A town hall, or shopping center . . . or something. 

AOL Employee Charged With Stealing Names (TechNews.com)

AOL Employee Charged With Stealing Names (TechNews.com)

I've tried to convince my family that AOL is evil and far too expensive. Several times that company has signed my father up for broadband service even though he's never asked, and though we already have a cable internet provider, he still pays the $23 a month for the telephone connection. According to him, he remains a loyal customer because he is familiar with the service. I try to tell him that he could get similar functions for free (E-mail, instant messaging), but several hundred dollars a year isn't enough of an incentive. Of course he complains about spam, pop-ups, and slow connections. What is two plus two? Couldn't tell ya.

Opportunity

Sometimes, Jeff desperately wants to fool you into something. You just have to let him go; he's a creative person and needs an outlet. Who knows how long he plans these things...

jeoffroi (2:15:18 AM): if this girl asked you out, what would you say?
TomServo0 (2:16:14 AM): wtf is that from
jeoffroi (2:16:42 AM): is that a no or a yes?
TomServo0 (2:17:05 AM): i want to know the genesis of that question
jeoffroi (2:18:34 AM): her agent and i were talking about a freelance piece i'm writing for him, he said she was bummed out since breaking up with billy crudup and that she just need a normal guy so she could start to live a normal life, and i thought of you
TomServo0 (2:19:38 AM): she was in something...what was it?
jeoffroi (2:20:02 AM): Fried Green Tomatoes
jeoffroi (2:20:10 AM): Reckless
jeoffroi (2:20:17 AM): Goodbye, Lover
jeoffroi (2:20:23 AM): a few episodes of West Wing
TomServo0 (2:21:01 AM): that's neat
jeoffroi (2:21:22 AM): you're not interested
jeoffroi (2:21:22 AM): ?
TomServo0 (2:24:29 AM): um
TomServo0 (2:24:39 AM): i dunno, that's out of the blue
TomServo0 (2:24:45 AM): are you serious?
TomServo0 (2:24:53 AM): you talk with agents?
jeoffroi (2:25:07 AM): yeah - i do some writing that i don't get credit for
jeoffroi (2:25:13 AM): press releases and shit
TomServo0 (2:25:35 AM): where do you find these jobs?
jeoffroi (2:26:18 AM): Connections
jeoffroi (2:26:37 AM): you should know - before you say yes - she's 36
TomServo0 (2:28:13 AM): yeah i kind figured
TomServo0 (2:28:28 AM): fried green tomatoes is so old
jeoffroi (2:29:24 AM): i've never talked to her either, personally
jeoffroi (2:29:44 AM): but nick says she's a special gal
jeoffroi (2:30:42 AM): look, though, i don't want to put any pressure on you, so what you should do....
jeoffroi (2:32:28 AM): if you're interested, call Nick's office tomorrow - 1-866-588-3225 and ask for Nick Constantine -- tell him I told you to call, and he'll give you Mary-Louise's phone number if you want it ---- and she lives in new york, so keep that in mind
TomServo0 (2:32:37 AM): LOL
TomServo0 (2:32:42 AM): no!
jeoffroi (2:33:15 AM): and when i e-mailed him this morning, i sent him your blog --- he thought it was funny, and said she'd laugh at it too - so she may have seen it now
TomServo0 (2:33:30 AM): 36, jeff
jeoffroi (2:33:52 AM): if i were single, i'd go out with her
jeoffroi (2:33:54 AM): look at her
TomServo0 (2:34:26 AM): but i just got out of a long-term celebrity fling with ashley judd
TomServo0 (2:34:30 AM): check the blog again
jeoffroi (2:37:27 AM): THAT'S HILARIOUS --- the night that you break up a fake relationship with a movie star you get a chance to start a relationship with a real movie star
TomServo0 (2:39:16 AM): maybe she'll reply. "hey, if you want to meet a REAL blah blah blah, blah blah BLAH!"
jeoffroi (2:40:14 AM): You know what other agent works in Nick Constantine's office, don't you?
TomServo0 (2:40:24 AM): :-O
jeoffroi (2:40:30 AM): Eddie Stafanos
jeoffroi (2:41:13 AM): (Scarlet Johannson's agent)
jeoffroi (2:44:30 AM): can we use your blog as a treatment to create a sitcom based on your life?
TomServo0 (2:45:45 AM): how boring would that be
jeoffroi (2:46:06 AM): so boring it would be funny
jeoffroi (2:46:15 AM): you sock shopping
jeoffroi (2:46:22 AM): you trying to catch a rat
jeoffroi (2:46:22 AM): jerry
jeoffroi (2:53:16 AM): if you did nick and eddie a favor and helped normalize mary-louise's life for them... maybe they could do something for C+G
jeoffroi (2:53:47 AM): i know they represent Sum 41
TomServo0 (2:54:53 AM): C+G is beyond help
jeoffroi0 (2:55:04 AM): i heard you guys were getting good
TomServo0 (2:56:56 AM): we've got drums
TomServo0 (2:57:10 AM): and COWBELL
jeoffroi (3:19:13 AM): cool - well call nick constantine tomorrow
jeoffroi (3:19:48 AM): hell, if she were 46 it would still be a once in a lifetime chance
TomServo0 (3:20:24 AM): chance for what, really
jeoffroi (3:20:49 AM): to hang out with and maybe date a celebrity
TomServo0 (3:21:09 AM): why would that be interesting
jeoffroi (3:21:41 AM): imagine it, you're hanging out in her swank manhattan townhouse
jeoffroi (3:21:49 AM): she says, let's go get a drink or whatever
jeoffroi (3:22:01 AM): and next thing you know, you're at a table with jimmy fallon or something
TomServo0 (3:29:38 AM): i better get to bed
jeoffroi (3:29:58 AM): well - goodnight - and think about mary-louise parker ---- i say try it!
jeoffroi (3:30:04 AM): call - what would it hurt!?!
TomServo0 (3:30:42 AM): bye

Ashley Judd 2002-2004

Sometime in early 2002 Ashley Judd appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. She was articulate, funny, and overall just gosh darned sweet. As my alleged friends would have it, we fell in love. One friend even suggested I visit him in Nashville and let him drive me by her house. Or her relatives' house. Either way, Ashley Judd is not my Jodie Foster, but when I eventually did visit my friend in Nashville he seemed visibly disappointed that I preferred seeing the Country Music Hall of Fame over the Stalker's Tour of Franklin. Folks, what I'm trying to say is that the joke's gone too far and gotten too old. There were times that I have helped drag it along--using her photo as an avatar at Dissek.com, for example--but some jokes just don't stay funny for two years. Hereby declared tonight, after viewing a second appearance of Mrs. Judd on the aforementioned show, that the fictitious coupling of myself to a movie star I have never met has ceased to not exist. Let's just stick to Tina Fey for the time being.

CD: Beastie Boys, "To The 5 Boroughs"

Schrock's Amish Farm

Welcome to Schrocks Amish Farm

jeoffroi (9:57:38 PM): derf n' turf, please incorporate THIS into your blog
TomServo0 (9:57:46 PM): lol
jeoffroi (9:58:12 PM): you just gotta
TomServo0 (9:59:53 PM): that's damn ironic
jeoffroi (10:00:05 PM): not at all
jeoffroi (10:00:10 PM): what's ironic about it?
TomServo0 (10:00:33 PM): amish webpage?
jeoffroi (10:00:41 PM): oh, yes - that is

The Swiss-Lebanese Connection

I did a quick late-night search for "Schrag," which is the original form of "Schrock." I found this website which has some early family info, and also the results of a Roald Schrock's DNA test, which I will quote in part (there's a lot of chemistry stuff in between):

"A large number of the families with the
Schrock, Schrack, or Schrag surnames
who currently live in the United States,
have their origins in the mountain highlands
of the Swiss canton of Bern,
among early members of the Mennonite and Amish faiths,
whose name was originally spelled as Schrag.

These Amish or Mennonite Schrag families
all seem to have had their origins in the town of
Wynigen, Switzerland,
and specifically, in the hamlets of
Loumberg and Mistelberg.

These ancestors left their homes
because of persecution,
which the combined forces
of the established churches and the state
unleashed against all non-conformist movements.

Many lived for some time in the Jura Mountains,
in Alsace, and in parts of Germany,
before emigrating to America, where
they started to spell the family name as
Schrock, Shrock, or Schrack.

Others migrated to the East, reaching Russia,
where they lived for some time, before also
coming to America, where they retained
the original Schrag spelling.

My family's branch is descended from "Uli" (Ulrich) Schrag,
who came to America in 1769,
as part of the first wave of Amish immigration,
settling in Somerset County,
in the mountains of western Pennsylvania.
His Schrock descendents were early settlers of
LaGrange County, Indiana,
where my paternal grandparents
(no longer Amish) grew up.
(More details to come!)

"My father, Roald A. Schrack, has been the pioneer,
the first male of a Schrock/Schrack/Schrag lineage
to come forward and have his Y chromosome DNA tested,
so that we can gain a more in-depth picture of our history.
We used the testing company,
Family Tree DNA.

The results of his test are exciting and unexpected.
They show a genetic pattern that's found mainly in people of
Mediterranean and Middle Eastern origins.

Of course, we are talking about origins, most likely,
many thousands of years ago!
But still -- how would that be possible?

Most of the ancestors of people who
have this genetic type in Northern Europe,
are thought to have migrated North
after the end of the Ice Age,
bringing agriculture during Neolithic times,
from its beginnings in the Fertile Crescent,
into the Mediterranean basin,
and from there to the rest of Europe.

They would have been the first teachers
of farming and animal husbandry
to the hunting and gathering peoples.

Haplotypes similar to my father's
seems to be especially common in
Northern Italy.

So there are a few other possibilities
specific to that region.
One is that people of the early Etruscan civilization
or of the great Roman Empire
traveled northward across the Alps
in their trading, political, or military activities.

Another possibility which fascinates me
has to do with the many "heretical" movements
that arose during the Middle Ages,
such as the Albigensians (Cathars) and the Waldensians,
who were violently persecuted.

These movements were centered in Southern France,
and also grew very strong among the neighboring people
of Northern Italy, especially Lombardy,
and some of their members are known to have
fled from the persecution by
heading north over the Alps.

Amish and Mennonite historical sources
such as the famous Martyrs Mirror
trace the roots of their movement
to that of the Waldensians.

"Will all the Schrock, Schrack and Schrag men
turn out to share this same genetic type?
Did our Schrag ancestors leave
an ancient Mediterreanean homeland
to settle the Alpine valleys?
How will our DNA type compare
with other Amish and Mennonite families,
and other Swiss?

"Roald Schrack also seemed
to nearly match with the Y-DNA
of a fellow named Metni, from Lebanon,
who is also in the Family Tree DNA database."

Here are some pictures of Ed, Megan and I during our day trip to Ottawa. This is the Restauparc where we stayed after a day in Montreal; yes, we stayed at a Burger King motel. It was nice! 

Democracy in action. They almost begged us to take pictures of them. 

This is my "Kilroy was here" shot of Megan. 

If we could only do this at the Lincoln Memorial. 

This is where the magic happens 

Parliament lobby. 

Um . . . hot. 

Design under the museum dome. Canada's going to legalize it soon . . . 

I hope you can read this from where you are. 

Mad props. 

Criminal. 

Ed was feelin' a lot of love that day. 

Aw. 

Don't know what it is, but I WANT it. 

Butt. 

Nuts & Gum, together at last 

Sunset in Ottawa 

The Greek Orthodox church we got completely lost at 

Megan tried out some night functions on my camera. Trippy, and now I know I have night functions on my camera. 

Work

I'm extremely pissed today, and for all the right reasons. Let's go back to my workplace, about a year ago, and I can explain myself.

Last summer a position opened where I work. Instead of the variable hours everyone usually gets, this one remained in the morning. It possibly pays better too, but the more important thing is that I wanted the position, it would have made me more money because I would have been more available, and I was more than qualified to do it. Signs were posted, noting that the job had to be filled immediately and to talk to a manager.

I also had a friend at the time who did not work for the company, but was known by the management (let's call them A and B) and expressed interest shortly before I did (let's call this person C). C had to go out of town. Then, six months passed. In C's absence, C requested I check up on the job for them. Talking to A and B, I made clear C's intention to come back and take the position, even though they kept delaying their return. Since the job had to be filled immediately, I also told them I would take the job until C returned. In those six months, the position was never filled. C took the job, with no prior experience or training, upon their return.

Fast forward another six months, to today. C is leaving, for good, and I am still working for the company as I have for the past five years. D, who has far less experience, training, and education, is now being trained by A, B, and C for the job. There was no job posting. I'm angry because after five years doing night shifts I'm being shafted by both management and co-worker who might have never gotten their job without my help. They have failed to take me into consideration not once, but twice, and maybe on purpose. Today I seriously thought about quitting on the spot.

Then I did some calculations, seeing how I already scheduled a vacation for next month (including buying plane tickets). It would be impossible for me to get another job until the fall, and quitting immediately would give me a loss of $1300 in wages after taxes. That's not much, but it's $1300 more than $0. If I was assured a stationary, full-time schedule (which in my current position is rare) that number would double. Regrettably, in order to not cause any more problems for both myself and other coworkers in the next three months I should probably not even bring this up. I'm just going to quit after Labor Day and not waste another five years in the same stagnant swamp, despite the convenience.

Joe's view of the Skydome 

Joe's view of everyone's backside 

Everyone's view of everyone else. 

TomServo0 conquers the Czech Republic. 

"How exciting!"

I didn't think I could do it, but I skipped an entire day of thesis work to transfer the last 250 weblogs to Blogspot. Get ready for the same old blogs, but with pictures. But one last time with the 4th grade papers. Maybe, if you're nice, you can see more in the future.

Fourth grade was not very fun. I didn't like the teachers and creative writing was a chore. Note how I really pad out the story, also, the future irony of my sports prediction.


Jan. 26, 1990

Motor Bowl

The year is 2223 football, baseball, and basketball have stopped being America's favorite pastimes. The new craze: motor ball. The game is played almost like football. It is played with 10 people on each team, all riding motorcycles. The object of the game: to an old football in your motorcycle across an old football field to the end zone. (This game is very dangerous)...

Hello, motorsports fans, Im Derf Kcorhcs This is the 4th annual Motor Bowl. The teams: Buffalo Brakes against the San Francisco 49 horsepower. Buffalo's fixing their Yamahas, While San Francisco check out their Harleys. And the game is about to begin.

1st quarter. The 49'ers got a little bit too tense. Their quarterback just about GAVE the ball to Buffalo. It was the Break's ball anyway.

2nd quarter. Buffalo made one, but missed the extra point. The 49'ers lost their quarterback due to a motorcycle injury. Now they're mad...

3rd quarter. San Francisco made two touchdowns. (for the other team) Score: Buffalo 26, San Francisco 0.

4th quarter. The 49'ers make two touchdowns, two extra points. Now they make another touchdown, but missed the extra point.

26 to 26. 10 seconds left. 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, Wait! The Breaks made a touchdown they win.

By the way, Buffalo has won all 4 Motor Bowls.

"Some ordinary day!"

--"grade" on following paper

Today officially marks two years since I began writing weblogs. I guess this is an opportune time to upgrade to an actual posting program instead of a message board-based system. But since it takes bloody near forever to move 400 posts, here again is some creative writing from fourth grade. Considering the dominance of the 9/11 Commission in the news, this story should teach us all a deep moral lesson. :)


Oct. 5, 1989

Help!

It was just an ordinary day in the red ant colony. It was afternoon, and everybody was coming home from work. John, which is one of those ants, went outside for a little walk. As he was going to come back in he spotted a black ant spy! He ran into the anthill, screaming and shouting as he went. The queen has been having a meeting for three hours now. John had no time to lose.

He ran into a guard at the door of the queen's chamber. The ant was named Big Ant Strong. Strong wouldn't believe anything from a small fry like John. "Hey, Strong, your shirt's inside out!" John said as he rammed himself through the door.

John spotted the secretary of the queen. "Where's (huff) Where's the (puff) the (huff) Where is (puff) Where's the queen?" He asked, catching his breath. The secretary pointed to a sign. It read:

NO CIVILIANS (OR WHATEVER) ALLOWED OR EXECUTION!

By then the black ants had come in and captured the whole colony. The queen was to blame.

"NEAT WORK" / "3 cheers for Fred!"

From now on my weblog posts will be here at Blogspot.

Coincidentally, today I was cleaning out the garage (which will take weeks). I found a writing portfolio from fourth grade which I will post from for the next few days, until I get all these entries moved. Today's is a fitting introduction to the enigma that is my bad, rebellious self. FYI, the title of this post is the "grade" I got written on my paper. Get used to those asinine teacher comments, folks . . . .


Nov. 28, 1989

Me.

I don't have much to say about myself, because there's nothing exciting going on in my life. I have a few hobbies, which are: comic strips, Nintendo, TV, baseball cards, pennies, maps, puzzles, reading, drawing, eating, and others.

At home it's pretty boring too. Everything I own is usually broken or lost. My mom borrows money from me and never pays back. No one has fallen down the stairs for six months. My whole family plays the piano but they also hate it. Every room is a mess. Legos are scattered all over the floor. The most exciting thing that happens at home is my brother and sister fighting. (Or Batman and The Joker fighting).

As I said, my life is pretty boring.

We have rats. Well, one rat. I think I saw it, around the kitchen. I found out that rat traps cost $1.61, which I think is a pretty good deal. You can also get two mouse traps for a dollar. Anyway, I hate rats. One time I went down in the basement to "help" my dad fix a water heater, and what did I almost step on but a dead rat the size of an adult cat. With the tail it could have been 18 inches long. Then my father asked me to get rid of it, but I could barely step over its corpse to run back upstairs. So in some respects I hope we don't catch the rat, because the last thing I want to see waking up in the morning is a dead rat on my kitchen floor. And remember, when using manual rat traps the worst thing isn't finding a dead rat, it's finding half a dead rat.

New CDs (something I forgot to write the past few months):

Beastie Boys: To The 5 Boroughs [noice!]
Eagles of Death Metal: Peace Love Death Metal [sexy fun!]
Mars Volta: De-Loused in the Comatorium [obtuse!]

Oh man, I had so many things I was going to write about but I forgot them all. If only I had a Blogspot (TM) weblog with the integrated Google Toolbar (also TM) blogging feature! Oh woe is me! With the time I spend picking my nose I could convert all my old posts, so why don't I? How could I be such a fool to post on this antiquated message board? I'm so ashamed! Jeff, save me from the error of my ways!

In other news, Megan Smith would make a great antihero in the movie of my life. Launchcast, online Scrabble, OddTodd.com . . . she has introduced all of these to me and all of them have thrown weeks of my life into the circular file. I must now go Brockport and do that research stuff I procrastinated for a month on, and quickly, before she signs on again.

After a month or so of having a poor battery in my laptop (40 minutes tops) this new one feels like running around naked in a shopping mall: free and exciting. These three paragraphs are all about the Internet, so you can tell how my life is really going this week. Out.

I just saw the video for Jimmy James for the Beastie Boys. I think there's a different video for that song on the DVD anthology I bought for $27. There's plenty of cool stuff on the DVDs, but there are no License To Ill videos, OR "She's On It," or Jimmy James. I feel like the anthology wasn't very anthologetic. Lately I've been reading weblogs by friends of mine, and they talk about politics or jobs or philosophy. Well here's a little info for you:

MY BLOG : MISCELLANIOUS CONTENT :: FOX NEWS : CONSERVATIVE REPORTING

also,

MY BLOG : MISCELLANIOUS CONTENT :: YOUR BLOG : SUBSTANTIVE CONTENT

:.

YOUR BLOG = FOX NEWS

I think that's the Law of Detachment. Dare question me, Mr. Logical? Mr. Bill O'Reilly? That's right. Dirrty Souf!

Clothes shopping is a big deal for me, because I do it once every other year or so. Right now, in fact, I am wearing a pair of shorts and a tee shirt I got when in the 5th grade. So you can see my use for a new wardrobe. I tried to switch things up a little. For one--and this is bigger than you might think--ankle socks. After a lifetime of only rocking the tubes, I decided to get a little crazy. For another, instead of earthtones I bought some bright stuff. I have an orange shirt now. Orange! Thirdly, it was important that I bought really loose pants. Normally I buy pants from the 30-32 range, where I fluxuate. On some days certain things fit while others don't. Last year, however, I bought a belt (!), so now I can go a little bigger just in case. These 34s are tres comfortable. Not to mention they ride a little lower! Are you listening, ladies? And these socks are gonna show off some more leg, too!

As I drove to work today I lamented the fact that I couldn't go to the Akron Sidewalk Sale for yet another year. The Sidewalk Sale is a big Akron event and during the two times I've been able to go, I quite enjoyed it. It's a much smaller-scale Allentown Art Festival (which I also missed). Sadder still was just how nice it was outside today. I kept telling myself how I shouldn't work on Saturdays.

Then I found out I don't. They changed my schedule so for the first time in years, I won't have anything to do on Saturday. I can go to the bloody park, meet some freakin' friends, work on my stinkin' thesis, or do whatever else the heck I want. So what do I do? I go to work and stay there for the extra money. It was actually quite pleasant. Did I just say that? Fudge, I did.

One of our new channels is the RFD Network, or Rural Free Delivery. It's the farmer's channel, basically. It's also pretty darn good. They cover tractor shows, have agricultural news from the University of Tennessee, and right now they're playing a polka party. Cornbread: ain't nuthin' wrong with that.

Lately I've been questioned about my political opinions and ideologies. Republicans think I'm a Democrat, and vice versa (or they think I'm a Republican, Ed). How narrow-minded! Political parties are simply trusts, oligopolizing government planning. Whatever happened to people like George Washington? He didn't put up with this kind of crap. And neither will I! You must all be destroyed!

Hypocritically, I'm starting my own political party. Fred Party Platform so far:

Find that Osama guy
Aquire Canada (except Quebec)
Control Afghan opium fields for highly taxed and controlled marijuana market
Bring back veterans' benefits
John McCain for President
Eliot Spitzer, Attorney General
Miss Aretha Franklin, The First Lady
Nationalized Heath Care, for the most part
Change name of Rhode Island to Rhodeland, for obvious reason
Bust Ticketmaster
Dissolve Buffalo City Government/Build Bridge with money saved
Move President's Day holiday to Election Day
Kill Flanders
One year of military/volunteer service for all young adults
Honorary championship trophies for Cubs/Red Sox/Bills
Leave the Indians alone
End the Death Penalty (except for Flanders)
Schooling no longer mandatory. Neither is giving health care or welfare to anyone without it.
One civil union is acceptable. Getting benefits from second and third marriages are not.
If we ever have to fight another war, we're going to WIN it
No more Income Tax; higher sales tax instead
Broadband for everyone!
National Identity Cards for everyone!
Fingerprinting too!
Colin Powell gets an award just for putting up with the rest of us.
50 cent/gallon gas tax on personal vehicles to support better public transportation
And we're switching to Metric, so forget I said "gallon"
$1 coins, and no more pennies

I got more GENIOUS ideas, but it's late.

I just finished listening to the Who anthology and I must admit I found them boring. They're good musicians and some of the songs are good, but I wasn't very interested. Once in 2000 I saw them play in Cleveland and it was great. I also remember their performance at that 9/11 concert, which was friggin' awesome. So, therefore, nonetheless, in conclusion, vis a vis et cetera, I believe the Who are a great band live and an OK band on wax. Led Zeppelin were so much better.

The joke I made up about Reagan was that his Alzheimer's is so bad he doesn't even know he's dead. Which may or may not be funny. I have FOX News on to watch the motorcade, because I knew (and assumed correctly) that they'd show the whole bloody thing and the other networks would find real news to report. If a car's going less than 90 on a California freeway, three hours of video by helicopter is unneccessary. The smog is really hurting the view, too.

Finally, last night I read through the giant stack of Free Liberal Weeklies that I've piled up over the past few weeks. There were at least a dozen of them from Minneapolis, Buffalo, Toronto, Ottawa, and Montreal. The sad thing is that all these papers pretend to be unique in their own cities when they're really just the same as the rest of them. They all hate George W. Bush, they all think Super Size Me is a great Michael Moore-ian view of corporate propaganda and the American obesity epidemic, they all have a column by Dan Savage, and they all have the same pictures of the same women in their classified ads. Even the papers written in French are like this. (I think.) So while I'm waiting for two of these editors to disagree with one another, color me disappointed. The only thing I learned about local politics was that they're bad and getting worse, and I didn't have to leave my house to know that. Also, out of all these papers, Buffalo's Artvoice was by far the crappiest.

I don't know why everyone mocks my posts when they are absolute genious. These literary masterpieces will be read and reread for generations. Future scholars will quote my posts in university classes and Wilco will set them to song. Shakespeare's corpse will be dug up and burned, and my cat will be buried in his place. I will die famous. News networks will interrupt their coverage to broadcast word of my untimely death and timeless works of art. Alpha-Bits Cereal will put my face on their box. Conspiracy theorists will assume I had influence in the highest levels of government. VH1 will produce both a clip show and a made-for-TV movie about me. Friends and relatives will file motions about my royalty monies that will hold up the courts for years. The Simpsons will reference me. Crying teenagers will hold sparsely attended vigils in public parks for me. Upon hearing about my death, President Bush will pull out all troops from Iraq and declare a War On Slippery Stairs. All because my weblog is the iconic, foreward-thinking voice of poetry that no one is yet to fully comprehend.

Today I had a fever. Not for More Cowbell, but for Chinese Food. I took $9 of medicine but I could use a second dosage. Gimme an IV of brown sauce, stat!

Last week a few of us went to Quebec. All three of us had several years of education concerning the French language, and it was all useless. We Sucked. I couldn't even order a sandwich right ("The Number Four", sadly). During the ride we tried speaking in French, mostly mocking the Quebecois, but when we arrived we were des stupides. Je regrete, les Quebecois, mon mal. Then we stopped at the Burger King Motel, which is a real Burger King with a real Motel. We wondered if it had room service, which would have been awesome. Instead of mints, they could have left little ketchup packets on our pillows! Or as the Canadians would say, catsup packets.

Two important events on Friday that changed Dave for the better:

1) The purchase of a cowbell. The man's got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell.

2) I owe Dave eight dollars, instead of the other way around.

So we were out to eat last night and one of us was talking about how they would rather have an Intelligent Conversation with a woman than go to a topless bar. To which I put a dollar bill in my mouth and yelled "Tell me about Nietzsche!" They laughed so hard I had to tell it twice. G'night, folks, try the veal.

I'm getting married in three months and five days. But my dress is too big in the boobs. You need more ketchup. Give me a triple triple from Timmy Ho's!

The people of the Rochester area are some of the nicest folks you could ever meet. In the town of Sweden I found kids and adults of all races playing and working together in harmony, black-and-white cookie style. Local historians are active community leaders who write poems about things like dogs and hamburger stands. The centerpiece of the town is a homemade September 11th statue. People ask you if you need directions and want to know how you're doing if you don't look familiar. At the local college, a student who couldn't get my library card to work went out of her way to find loopholes in the system, and then finally checked my books out under her own name so I could take them home. That's classy!

My new toothbrush is freakin' awesome. Nothing fancy but a great scrub nonetheless. Thanks, pharmacy owner!

Yesterday was my first experience in a Duty Free Shop. There was a lot of alcohol which didn't interest me because I don't drink, and a lot of perfume, which is an even lesser topic of conversation. If someone smells nice, and you tell them, they're never going to say "Do you like it? I got it by the gallon at the Duty Free Shop." The complete opposite of the commercials, perfume buying must be very unromantic. What did interest me was the size of the chocolate bars. Five pounds of Kit Kats for six dollars is awesome. They had those big Toblerones you can only get in airport stores, but here they came in packs of three for $24. You could munch on that for a month, which is just about the time it takes for me to get back to the Duty Free Shop. Maybe I'll invest in a gold-bar-sized hunk of the Swiss Stuff next time I'm around.

Bands & Artists I saw perform (orderless and colorless)

Help me out because I'm missing plenty.

Radiohead (3)
Beck (2, also cancelled 1)
Beastie Boys (also, cancelled 1)
Spiritualized
Underworld
Beth Orton
Liz Phair
Pearl Jam
Foo Fighters (2)
Smashing Pumpkins
Our Lady Peace
Catherine Wheel
Tool
A Perfect Circle (2)
Blur
Treblecharger (3)
Danko Jones (5)
Ben Folds Five
Ben Folds
Mighty Mighty Bosstones
The Roots (left)
The Used
Britney Spears (worked venue)
Jewel (worked venue)
Newsboys (3, incl. worked venue 1)
DC Talk
GRITS
Hocus Pick (2)
Petra (2)
Ozomatli (2)
Ben Harper
Dave Matthews Band
Mexican Cession
One World Tribe
Glenn Miller Orchestra (2)
Johnny Cash (I walked through the building once while he played in the auditorium. I heard the music, does that count? It would be really cool if it did.)
U2
PJ Harvey
Chevelle
Beta Band (arrived late)
DJ Kid Koala (2)
The Pietasters
Cherry Poppin' Daddies
Nine Inch Nails
MiSTER
Cucumber + Ginseng (All of 'em!)
Ron Hawkins & The Rusty Nails
Barenaked Ladies
Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra (5?)
Pittsburg Philharmonic Orchestra
Gary Bartz Quintet
Maelstrom Percussion Ensemble (3)
Zwan
Queens Of The Stone Age
Weezer (3)
Dashboard Confessional
Default
Jimmy Eat World
No Doubt
The Faint
Oasis
Sloan
Big Delicious
The Who
Eric Clapton
Doyle Bramhall II And Smokestack
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Stone Temple Pilots
Caedmon's Call
Bebo Norman
Jill Phillips
The Tea Party
Velour
Alanis Morrisette
Tori Amos
The Waz
Acappella
Allman Brothers Band (worked venue)
Village People
Sparta
Roger Waters (worked venue)
Wesley Willis (3)
Saves The Day
Fishbone
The Start
Lance Diamond (2)
(Rage Against The Machine cancelled)
John Schlitt
Pier Nine Brawl
They Might Be Giants (1, cancelled 1)
Gov't Mule (part)
Eve 6 (2)
Stage
Ron Hawkins and the Rusty Nails
White Stripes
Whirlwind Heat
Elliot Smith
Death From Above
C'mon
Mates of State
Strokes

Two days ago my sister got fired from her job. I had to drive her to work that day, and she called to have me pick her up before I got home. I tried to be reassuring and stuff, but then she said something like "it's your fault" or a similar stupid comment. That's when I piled in her. Of course they fired you; you can't hold a job. You probably didn't work hard enough. Hey, maybe you can get a new job cleaning houses, so other people's places will be just as sparklingly unclean as ours. She was unfazed. Just another Thursday at the house.

Since summer's just around the corner, it's about everyone got accustomed to the new BDI (B*** D***ling Index). The lower the BDI, the hotter the outdoors temperature. Let's show an example of everyday use:

X: Man, it's hot out.

Y: No kidding, dude. My BDI is four from the floor.

Z: Heck, mine are still waiting in the car with the AC on.

X: C'mon Z, we told you not to wear a sweater!


Now let's show a very different situation:

X: There's no heat in this pool!

Y: My BDI is in my stomach!

Z: My BDI broke off!

X: C'mon Z, we all know you're Jewish!


--A public service announcement from The President's Council on Physical Fitness.--

[from a couple days ago]

TomServo0 (11:13:28 PM): yeah. oh, here's a good one
TomServo0 (11:13:58 PM): today my mother asked me where, if there was a place, that she could send money to help pay for my education
TomServo0 (11:14:14 PM): yeah mom, my HAND
SarahG (11:14:23 PM): hahaha
SarahG (11:14:26 PM): wow, that's funny
SarahG (11:14:29 PM): !!
SarahG (11:14:37 PM): she really asked you that?
TomServo0 (11:14:56 PM): yes!
TomServo0 (11:15:12 PM): and then she was like, "i mean, like a bank..."
TomServo0 (11:15:23 PM): me: "yeah, i have a bank account!"
SarahG (11:15:25 PM): that's freakin crazy, so is she going to give you money
SarahG (11:15:38 PM): how much does she want to give you
TomServo0 (11:15:55 PM): she probably won't give me anything
SarahG (11:15:59 PM): awww man
SarahG (11:16:02 PM): she's confused
TomServo0 (11:16:12 PM): damn hypotheticals
SarahG (11:16:49 PM): so she's basically saying "if i were to have the money for your education, to whom would i give that money?"
TomServo0 (11:17:30 PM): yup
SarahG (11:18:00 PM): and that's going to help you out how?
TomServo0 (11:18:06 PM): i have no idea

Leadership Conference, pt. 3

Bag lunches, provided by Anderson's, were . . . provided. For lunch. You could get the famous Beef on Weck sandwich, or turkey or ham, with chips, a cookie, and all the Pespi you could drink (one of the speakers was CEO of PespiCo). But I know all about being a leader from the most important leader in America, George F'N W Bush. Here's how crazy King George the Third helped me take advantage of the situation:

1.) Don't pay attention at important meetings. I brought stuff to read. By the end of the day I had finished a 200-page book, 2 newspapers and several short stories. I needed a backpack for everything, but that just shows preparedness.

2.) As a leader, rules of equity don't apply to you. This one was easy. Walking through the food line, I grabbed a Turkey bag. Then, I went to get my complimentary Pepsi. Then, I put it in my backpack. Then, I went back in line. With free hands I grabbed me a Roast Beef.

3.) Why buy something if you can pre-emptively take it? I got free pens, a half-dozen free sodas and a SWEET Post-It pad that's about 4 inches thick. I'll be writing on free Post-Its until 2012.

4.) Don't learn anything; someone will lead for you. I don't remember a thing. The end!

Leadership Seminar pt. 2:

Seminar Speakers are normally forgetable. The first one during the conference, however, at least got my attention with his topic. Two giant screens in the 1500-person room said simply: "MEET FRED." I now quote from the program handed out to all the participants.

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER FRED

Who is Fred?
And how does he manage to make a difference in the lives of everyone he meets?

--Fred is the customer service rep on the phone who finally gives you some service.

--Fred is the clerk who loans you $5.00 because the ATM is broken.

--Fred is the postman whose outstanding service inspired Mark Sanborn's THE FRED FACTOR.

Fred is the extraordinary person we can all be if we just follow the four life-changing principles that can help us find fresh energy, enthusiasm, and creativity wherever our careers or lives may lead.

Stop making it through the day.
Start making a difference.

www.fredfactor.com

Last Friday I went to a Leadership Seminar for business-type people who have to go to leadership seminars. Here's a conversation I overheard while in the bathroom between speakers:

1: "Hey, whaddya think so far?"

2: "Oh man, are you kidding? I live for this stuff!"

1: "Ha ha! I hear ya. That guy was right on about prioritizing.

2: "You know it. You know, every morning I enter my tasks in my tablet..."

[this is where I started rolling my eyes]

2: "...and then I put them in order of importance. And I've found that when I accomplish the first three or four, the rest just seem to melt away."

1: "So true. Are you staying for the lunch roundtable session? I'm going to be here the whole day."

2: "You know it!"

I didn't know these people existed. More on this later.

I just finished eating a whole can of SPAM. Didn't even phase me.

Yahoo!'s version of Scrabble is called Literati and I'm addicted. Perhaps you know of my previous Yahoo! addictions, such as Launchcast Radio (reached "fanatic" in three days; temporarily banned for overuse), Geocities website space (I have two sites), and Yahoo! Photos (about 1200 photos uploaded within the first forty-eight hours). Now I play a game or two against whatever goof is online. Many times it's grandmothers that completely destroy me.

ADDENDUM:

After just playing, I must admit I totally rocked it. The score was like 300 to 170. I used up all my letters 3 times. THREE times, people. THREE.

Edited by: TomServo0 at: 5/1/04 1:07 am

Last night I went to a lecture by a guy who had some pretty pointed views about modern Jewish historiography. The hall was packed and their were a lot of tensions in the audience. After going to a number of lectures this year--What else should I be doing, actual work?--I've categorized several types of persons that go to these events:

1) People who want to listen with an open mind. I'd like to think I'm one of those, especially since I had no idea who this guy was before the lecture.

2) People who agree with a guy so much they'd marry him if they could. They laugh at the guy's jokes a little to hard, usually followed by applause. These people come to see their murky beliefs solidified by a person that concurs with them but can also write a book about it.

3) People who disagree with a guy enough that they'd beat him in a back alley somewhere, and are sick enough that they'd listen to him rant just to make themselves angrier. These people are a rare breed; there might be a handful in the audience, but they leave early. They mutter stuff when they leave. Since last night's lecture was about the Middle East, the muttering was in foreign languages. They must be really bored.

4) People who disagree with a guy enough that they want him dead. These people are like #3 but they show up more often, armed with fliers, placards, poorly functioning medullas, pre-written lists of errors in scholarship, demanding voices and no manners. During Q&As they are often found confusing the word "lecture" with "debate" and the word "question" with "rambling statement of contradictory personal beliefs". Last night these people required a police presence and threats of physical removal. Though noticable, these people are generally rare. Bill O'Reilly is one of these people: his species only exists in wildlife refuges but he's still the World-Famous Great Bucking Donkey.

5) Hippies and retired people. Soon we can call them "retired hippies." They go to anything. These people are also known as "distinguished faculty".

In order of population, it usually goes #2, #5, #4, #1, #3.

For my birthday I got something called the Presto Pizzazz (R) which promises "Freezer to perfect [pizza] in minutes. While ordinary ovens are heating, you're eating." Instead of being a regular oven, it's more like a hot plate that looks like a cross between the front of the Starship Enterprise and a Mr. Fusion machine from Back To The Future. Apparently it will shave 10-15 minutes off of my waiting-for-pizza-to-cook time, which I usually spent folding laundry, reading mail, or doing something else constructive (e.g. using the bathroom). Now I'll be saving so much time nothing will get done.

I just got a digital camera with a 512 mb memory chip. Generalissimo Photog is back with a vengeance.

Today a package came to my house from Pueblo, Colorado. You ever see those ads on the TV that say you can get a catalog of free information from the government, and all you have to do is write to Pueblo, Colorado? Well guess what I did. Not only that, they gave me 15 copies of everything. The box weighed about twelve pounds. If you ever desire a booklet on how to invest wisely, what medicines not to mix, or how you will be affected by the onset of menopause, I'm the man you want to see.

April 19 is important for many reasons. The Battle of Lexington & Concord was on April 19, 1775 in what is now known as "Patriots Day" in Massachusetts. On April 19, 1993, the US Government attacked the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas, leaving scores of men, women and children dead. Timothy McVeigh, who would later show up in Waco to protest the act, planned and executed the Oklahoma City Bombing of April 19, 1997 in retaliation. He often quoted Founding Father Thomas Jefferson in defense of his actions, saying "The tree of liberty must be refreshed with the blood of tyrants and patriots." As in 1775, on April 19, 1943 an unknown gunshot in Warsaw, Poland began a forty-two day rebellion of the city's Jews against Nazi attempts to transfer them to extermination camps.

So there you go. Tomorrow's just as bloody: Hitler's birthday AND the Columbine Massacre. Enjoy your week!

After this year's more than 100 days of unshortsmanlike conduct from Mother Nature, I finally got to expose my legs to the outside world. What a pristine day, and what white, white flesh. Methinks it's time for a haircut.

Knees!

-ts0

Today was Tax Day, which I remembered by remembering that Subway would give out free cookies today. Without purchase! As I drove by the Subway, however, the shades were pulled. I think it was still open, but it made me think twice. I kept driving. Turning around is almost a shameful act, so it was on to another destination. Subway 1, Me 0. Foiled again! Just you wait, Subway...I'm two stamps away from a free sandwich!

After spending the afternoon listening to Foreigner's Greatest Hits, I've decided that what may be "greatest hits" for one band may simply be "songs" to most other bands. I have a policy of listening to all my records all the way through, and I must say it was a very long hour. If you've ever been in a class for a subject you have no interest in, you'll understand. "Double Vision" was okay, and though the song wasn't so good, it was fun hearing the guy say "'cuz I'm a Dirty White Boy!" I filed this CD under "F." For "Foreigner."

Conversation from the other day:

Friend (talking about mutual aquaintance): "You know, he said he once had sex on top of a fire truck."

Me: "That poor dalmation!"

Friend (pounding fist against wall): HAAAAAAHAAAAA!!!

* * *
More wise thoughts: The Israelis and the Palestinians should just put down their weapons and smoke weed together. They could become best buds over best buds!

Music News:

Posted on Sat, Apr. 10, 2004
Elderly parents of `Weird Al' Yankovic found dead in home
Associated Press

FALLBROOK, Calif. - The elderly parents of Grammy-winning recording artist "Weird Al" Yankovic were found dead in their home, apparently victims of carbon monoxide poisoning, officials said.

Nick Yankovic, 86, and his wife, Mary Yankovic, 81, were found dead about 1 p.m. Friday in their suburban San Diego home by three family members, said sheriff's Sgt. Conrad Grayson, a fire investigator.

The relatives came to the house because they had not seen the couple in a while and were concerned.

Paramedics found Nick Yankovic in a chair in the front living room. His wife was lying on the bathroom floor.

A fire had been recently set in a fireplace in the house, Grayson said.

"The house was full of smoke when they opened the door," Grayson said. "We examined the fireplace. They were burning wood. They (family) had found the flue closed. They opened it."

"Weird Al" Yankovic, 44, had been scheduled to appear Wednesday night in Kansas at the Topeka Performing Arts Center as part of a tour for his new album. Attempts to reach him by telephone through his agency, the William Morris Agency, were unsuccessful Saturday.

Yankovic's parents were described by a neighbor as nice people who were proud of their son's accomplishments.

"Everybody who came to the neighborhood knew Nick," said John Buehman, who lives across the street. "They're going to be missed, big time."


Beck Is No Longer A Bachelor
Thursday April 08, 2004 @ 04:30 PM
By: ChartAttack.com Staff

Yes, that is a ring on his finger. It is with a heavy heart and a tear in our eye that ChartAttack has to report that Beck Hansen is no longer a single man. According to MuchMusic, Beck has just gotten hitched and will soon become a father.

Beck’s lovely bride is actress Marissa Ribisi, best known as the twin sister of actor Giovanni Ribisi. The couple, who are expecting their bundle of joy to arrive in about a month’s time, wed in a low-key ceremony in Santa Monica.


Fred Finds CD Wallet In Burger King Parking Lot
10 April 2004
FREDLINE NEWS

(Clarence, New York) FN - Fred found someone's CD wallet in the parking lot of a Burger King today. The wallet was one of those ones that attach to the sun visor in your car so you can change CDs when you drive, sources say.

Though Fred asked those around the parking lot if they had lost the particular item, no persons came forward. Though there were ten CDs inside the wallet at the time, they were all classical.

"Even though the music is somewhat bland, I will still take full advantage of the free CDs and of the usefulness of the wallet," spoke Fred in a press release statement this afternoon. The press release did not say what Fred was doing at a Burger King.

2:30:52 AM
dangit.


ALERT! You have exceeded the usage limit for our free service.

For the rest of the month, your free service will be restricted:

• No customized radio
• No song skipping
• Low (mono) audio quality only

Like Ed, I also have a Launchcast station. Go to launch.yahoo.com and search for "fcschrock." What do other listeners think?

MEG: yours is sooo ...
MEG: ... whats the right word
MEG: :-)
TomServo0: uh huh
MEG: uhm uhm
MEG: i want to say it positivly
MEG: but its so eclectic
MEG: dare i say ... visionary ;-) .. hey that one is really positive
MEG: ... i could just say... alot of weird stuff i havent heard of
MEG: but i didnt :-D yay!

I had a cup of milk next to me at dinner last night and what does the cat do but start drinking from it when I wasn't looking. In response I start knocking on the cat's head with my fist. I was rapping on his skull pretty hard with my knuckles but the cat, even why his head rattled, didn't hesitate to continue drinking the milk. I don't know how he did it. Eventually I had to just pull the cup away from him. So then you may ask, did I then drink from that same cup, from that same milk? The answer is yes. I already admitted to beating my cat...

Four Four Four!

My computer AND my satellite dish AND my digital clock ALL just adjusted THEMSELVES for Daylight Savings Time. THAT is ASTOUDING. Machines now control the time-space continuum! Time for bed.

04 02 04
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right now there are four men with orange vests outside replacing a stop sign. Not that there's anything wrong with the old stop sign, or that it takes four men to unhinge it from the post, or that they have to keep their truck idling while they do it. The orange vests are good for safety reasons but quite honestly no one uses that street any more. Its two businesses left years ago and there are no houses. So . . . yeah.

All right, I admit it. I really am gay.

April Fools!



"for fred's first 6 years of college, his away message only ever said, 'sleep'" --Jeff

So I was teaching 7th grade the other day and the smallest kid in the class comes up to me. The kid walked with a limp and was sitting at the other end of the room. (This was during the middle of a lesson.)

Kid: "Hey, Mr. S."

Me: "Hey."

Kid: "Do you know who I am?"

Me: " . . . "

Kid: "I'M RICK JAMES!"

And he limped back to his seat.

Today I spent three hours cleaning the fridge. The fridge is older than me and probably hasn't been cleaned yet. I found materials that used to be organic. Then they weren't. Then they became organic again. What remains is half a jar of mustard, half a dozen eggs and some sticks of mustard. I learned a lot, mostly that there are plenty of colors not in the rainbow that still occur in nature.

pop-ups blocked by my google toolbar (downloaded in January): 998

Edited by: TomServo0 at: 3/30/04 1:55 am

For the first time in months it's nice out and we can open the windows. Jerry came in my room this morning and said it smelled like bad breath. So I opened the windows and went to brush my teeth. I can't speak for the room, but my morning breath was horrible. Maybe he was right. Someone next door is cooking bacon. Seriously, I can really smell pork for some reason.

Flying Crocodile wins!

FREDLINE NEWS was written a few days ago. It was sent to the "printers" and should be ready one of these days. In the meantime I might just start writing ahead. so for all of you FREDLINE NEWS fans--thanks, mom!--there's more on the way. The other day I went to the University of Buffalo for some research, and found a crappy newsletter called The Journal of Truth, or some crap like that. It was crap. I could make better crap than that, and in fact, I already do. Maybe I should print out FREDLINE NEWS and enlighten the inferior competition. We've already defeated Edline News, in what will prove to be our Poland. The Journal of Truth already looks like France. AHH Ha Ha Ha hA!

My apartment is full of furniture, none of it bought. The couch came from a family who donated it to our church, but the church had no room for it. Same with the easy chair. Maybe we bought the folding table and the plastic porch chairs, but that's, what, twenty dollars? I have two lamps from who-knows-where. My filing cabinet was thrown away by someone in the Science Department. I use a nightstand that I built in a summer camp woodworking course. I stole a second filing cabinet from my parents. A small cabinet was found in a little-used closet. My father helped me grab a bookshelf/entertainment center from a neighbor's garbage one Christmas; it covers one full wall of my bedroom. In turn, I helped him rescue a large, metal teacher's desk from the scrap heap. Until recently I had a set of video shelves thrown together with some old wooden boards and empty shoe boxes. And how could I forget the green table besides me, a twenty-five-year-old reject from an ill-fated shop class? (I made the trim out of a roll of packaging tape. Someone threw away the tape as well.)

One of the last great vestages of my undergraduate life, the non-perishable leftovers, passed away today. One of Jeff's containers of Pillsbury bread dough was ceremoniously dumped into the trash. Though still in good health, we realized that it had been stuck fast to the bottom of the fridge by an unknown organic substance. Rather than try to salvage the can and risk irreparable damage we let nature take its course. The dough is survived by several pots, and assortment of blue and yellow plastic plates, and a lone jar of Country Time Lemonade Mix (TM) ("Mix w/vodka and enjoy!").

Ed and I are fighting, I think. It's over what to watch on television. This would almost seem normal if A) we were a couple, B) we were of opposite genders, and C) we lived in the same household. Instead, we live 1000 miles away. So here we sit typing away on Instant Messenger about what we're going to watch next so we can discuss it, and then we get into an argument about whether a certain show is funny or how we forced the other person to watch OUR show last week and should return the favor. We might need counseling. In other news, today I visited downtown Lancaster, New York for the first time today. In the words of Dr. Robert Butler, I had a firsthand experience of the quintessential articulation of mid-20th century Americana. Fascinating.

For the past three months or so I've procrastinated over my master's thesis. Last night I spent a full two hours on it, which is probably the longest uninterrupted time period yet for me. This is sad. What's more sad than that? The guy who's supposed to read it hasn't written back about my proposal yet. That's pretty darn sad. Sadder still? How about writing paying $50 application fees to colleges that don't tell you if you're accepted? Handsome people like me can't get a break nowadays.

New CDs: Foo Fighters, Live In Chicago 2003 (2 discs). Find it at musicbug.com

After some consideration I've decided to change my computer's user name from "Ashley" to my own. It was funny at first, then quaint, then simply sad. At least I didn't name it something pretentious, like Porcshe, but I digress. Now, instead of a headshot of actress Ashley Judd, I get to start my computing day looking at the pic of an old, black Frederick Douglass and his big, white Fluffy 'Fro.

Tonight is Ed's first experience with Adult Swim. Congrats Ed! Flying Shark vs. Flying Crocodile: a fight for the ages!

New CD: Upton Sinclair, "WBNY Upton Sinclair ID." I'm ashamed to have ended up with it, but I can't give it back.

Why I'm up at 5 AM is beyond me. Especially when I spent a good part of it on Google Image Search looking up "civil unions." You'll see why eventually.


New CD: The Eagles Of Death Metal, "Live At Slims"

Listening to: The Shins, "Chutes Too Narrow" [finally getting into it]

Ed owes me a chicken burrito. Ed, send it in an attachment.

I've come to the conclusion that rabid dogs have more common sense than teenage girls. From the perspective of a teacher, that is. Stop thinking dirty.

World War III, if you don't count the Cold War as World War III, will be fought over American and Chinese economic interests. Taiwan, perhaps?

My college loans were sold to another bank yesterday. They must think they're going to get the money back.

New CD: Smash TV, "Demo+ 2003-2004"

New CDs:

--Some Kool Cigarettes Mix Promo. Hip-hop beats with smoking ads for at least 2 tracks.

--"Civil War Songs." Haven't heard it yet. Wonder what it's like?

--"Civil War Music." Haven't heard it yet. Wonder what it's like? Also with "World War I Songs." Haven't heard that yet either. Wonder what THAT's like?

--"Road Trip." A road trip mix! Of songs!

New Album Buying Bonanza!

CDs:

Drain S.T.H., "Freaks of Nature"

--Some Swedish women play heavy metal. Very crunchy. Crunchy like crash test footage.

Ozomatli, "Coming Up"

--Newer EP of the band. Rap with a horn section. Tribal dance music with scratching. Blacks, whites and Latinos! Wheeeee!

Vinyl:

Various, "Saturday Night Fever"

--How often do you go to the Salvation Army and find a winner like this for only 99 cents? Four sides of disco is all I'll ever need. The packaging is in just as good condition as when the original owner picked it up in 1977.

Brad Swanson, "Party Time: The Whispering Organ Sound of Brad Swanson"

--My father has one of Brad Swanson's other records so I had to pick it up. Another 99 cent masterpiece. Organ renditions of "Deep In The Heart of Texas," "Mairzy Doats," Beer Barrel Polka," Hava Nagila..." and that's just PART of side A. BFLO made!

Ed is NOT a Stephen Colbert fan. NOT! He is a casual viewer of Stephen Colbert that occasionally laughs at Colbert's jokes. I'm writing this down for all posterity, Ed! You see, anyone could watch Colbert's appearances on The Daily Show. Even the weakest of comedy afficionados could stay tuned for the occasional guest spot on Tough Crowd. But did Ed see Colbert on the American version of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Of course not! How many episodes of Strangers With Candy, Exit 57, or The Drew Carey Show did Ed ever tune in for? NOT A ONE. Did he buy Wigfield in hardcover--let alone at all--and read it cover-to-cover in the course of a weekend? BAH! And yet I have partaken in all these hilarious things. Ed would never remember Colbert's first Daily Show piece, where "The New Guy" gayly sashayed in front of the camera awkwardly, yet with enough of an idiot savant flair to immediately turn the most jaded comedy fan over to his creative grip. But I do. And as I sat watching another amazing episode of Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law tonight, with another amazing performance by one Stephen Colbert I tried counting the countless times I have pleaded with my friend Ed to watch the Adult Swim block in my little head. Redundantly speaking, it was impossible. Ed, you can keep your Patrice O'Neal. Stephen Colbert is with Me.

The other day I went to Toronto with some friends but for what may be the first time ever, I did not drive. I wanted to sleep but couldn't. I was too worried about how the driving was going: navigating, not falling asleep, whether or not Joe used his signals when changing lanes. I was really anal retentive about everything. I also had a giant mound of my family's Canadian change that I was charged to get rid of. That challenge was also met head-on, turning about $30 of nickels and dimes into, well, it's all gone now. The reason I'm writing this is to acknowledge that I am too bloody uptight and need to relax a little. If you're reading this, you already know. Maybe I should smoke weed. Some guy came into work today and his eyes were comepletely bloodshot from weed; you could smell him from yards away. He was relaxed for sure...in fact, he just stood staring at the floor for several minutes at a time. He paid with exact change.

Last night I went to a wake. One guy came in with a tattered shirt with a picture of a BEAR with DEER antlers growing from his head. The shirt simply asked:

"BEER?"

Today we snuck across the border for an errand. Also accomplished the inevitable Canadian must-dos of eating poutine and spending about a litre of Canadian change that somehow smuggles its way south. You hear me, Canucks? We don't want your looney money! I'm half-Canadian, but based on the exchange rate I'm now half-American and 40% Canadian. I think the other 10% got moved to Mexico. Muy problemo!

CD purchases $5 Canadian each!

Handsome Boy Modeling School, "So...How' Your Girl?"
John Coltrane, "The Gentle Side of John Coltrane"
Sonic Youth, "Goo"
Primus, "Pork Soda"

Great albums all!

Last night's dinner:

2 Twinkies
3 Ho-Hos
2 Slim Jims
1 Polly-O String Cheese
1 Hostess Apple Pie
2 of those fluffy chocolate sandwich things with the icing filling
1 Vanilla Coke

CD: Liam Lynch, "Fake Songs"

Today at work I had to replace the Ketchup Dispenser. The ketchup (or catsup) comes in plastic bags that hold about three gallons apiece. Well, one of the bags ripped. Ketchup started flowing like a newly discovered oil well. The K.D. wouldn't take the bag, and I couldn't just throw away three gallons of ketchup, so I found a large bucket and drained it all into that. Now the big problem: how to put all this ketchup from a bucket into small ketchup bottles. A funnel? The bucket was too big to pour into a small funnel, so I got a second, smaller bucket to dip into the first, then dumped that into the funnel. That's when I realized that ketchup doesn't pour, it plops. Stuff that plops can't go through a funnel, it only clogs the funnel. That's when I grabbed a spoon to put pressure on the top of the clog to get it to go down into the bottle. It took forever. Then someone suggested finding a plastic bag, putting a whole lot of ketchup into it, then cutting a small hole in the bottom corner of the bag to let a high pressure stream of ketchup fall out of the hole. A good idea indeed. The high pressure stream, however, is difficult to control. By the end of the debacle, I had a broken Ketchup Dispenser, two ketchup-drenched kitchen tables, a cowpie of ketchup on the floor, giant ketchup stains on my shirt, pants and shoes, ten bottles of ketchup overflowing on all sides, a large stirring spoon covered in ketchup all up the handle, a small pitcher coated in ketchup on the inside and out, a second giant, practically useless Bucket O'Ketchup, and a garbage can filled with ketchup-catching napkins that made it look like the World's Most Destructive Period. Thus endeth The Ketchup Story.

Today someone at the store demanded to know whether a certain baseball cap was for men or for women. I never knew they made different caps for men or women. That's because they don't. The guy wasn't convinced with my answer, and demanded a guarantee that he could return it if it ended up being for the wrong sex. A possible scenario:

Guy 1: I hope you like it.
Guy 2: A baseball cap! Thanks!

Guy 2: It doesn't fit! This must be a WOMAN'S baseball cap!
Guy 1: I'm sooooo embarrassed!

Also at the store, we sell unisex cigarettes, gum, newspapers, and 20 oz. bottles of Coke.

I went to Perkins with The Folks. I bought them dinner. Then I went to Joe's and wrote a song about people with three names. If you know anyone with three names that's famous, please tell us what they are. We're brainstorming and need a good list. Some examples:

James Earl Jones
Mary Kate Olsen
Billy Ray Cyrus

Like all our other songs, they will Rock. Trust me.

Tonight I became a perfectionist in the studio. Joe can't keep time and it's hurting the band. He's got to tighten up his solos or he's out on his @$$.

Tonight I went to my court-ordered driving class. There was a real old lady in the front named Delores who wouldn't stop making innocent comments, stupid or otherwise. I counted 21 dumb comments to 5 useful ones. Two of the useful ones pointed out grammar errors in the book.

Teacher: "Delores, what answer did you get for number 4?"

Delores: "False?"

Teacher: "That's correct."

Delores: "Oh. So it's true?"

Teacher: "No, you're right."

Delores: "Why isn't it False? I put down False."

Teacher: "The answer IS False. Maybe I misspoke. I'm sorry."

Delores: "Alrighty. So it's False then?"

Teacher: "YES."

Delores [talking to herself too loudly]: "So that's number . . . 4."

[class rolls eyes]

Vinyl: David Broza, "Away From Home"

I just destroyed Ed in a game of online Reversi. DESTROYED. He told me I sucked and refused to finish the game! AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Loooooserrrrr...

CD: The Shins, "Chutes Too Narrow"

While spring cleaning--okay, leap year cleaning--I found a crate of long-lost stuff underneath some stairs. This included my copy of "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing", my report cart from fifth grade, the school yearbook from first grade, two copies of the official Map of Newstead (not much to see), the entire Bible on cassette, several sets of school photos from my "It's picture day again? I forgot to dress up" era, and soon to be the most disturbing of all, some mix tapes my parents made for each other when they were dating.

From now on I will also use my weblog to document the new CDs/DVDs I either buy or magically acquire. Tonight Dave forcefully dragged me to Best Buy and DEMANDED that I buy:
The Shins, "Chutes Too Narrow" CD
Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD Volume 1
D. W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation" DVD

"I don't need no instructions to know how to ROCK!" -Carl