Tuesday, August 26, 2003

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 26 August 2003


Always late but always timely, FREDLINE NEWS is the official electronic publication for Amish Country. E-mail ezekiel@horsenbuggy.com for more details. We are probably a subsidiary of AOL Time Warner. If this is already too painful, reply to this address, type "unsubscribe," and demand a refund. Past issues are found in an old shoebox at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. All rights reserved. All lefts righted. All wrongs reversed. All right all ready.

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Residents throughout the tri-state area recently got the chance to participate in what will be remembered by the Guinness Book of World Records as the "World's Largest Re-enactment of a Music Video." Hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers hit the streets simultaneously to perform the end scene of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts."

The New York Municipal Power Authority cooperated by diverting all of the city's power grid to be used by local, national and international media agencies to film the event for posterity.

"I can't believe it," re-enacted one anchorwoman as she viewed helicopter shots of gridlocked cars being passed by legions of streetwalking pedestrians. She continued with the video's dialogue. "They all just . . . got out and walked! [gasps] This is . . . unbelievable."

Mayor Bloomberg's office is considering more mass re-enactments to bring much-need tourism to the area. The last major intra-city performance--a staging of the Will Smith action vehicle "Independence Day"--in the autumn of 2001 brought rave reviews.

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Buffalo--Francis Shrode, 23 hit the broad side of a barn last Saturday night after falling asleep at the wheel. There were two passengers in the car at the time of the accident, police reported. The passengers, Sharon Gaulle and Jonah Fergis, also of Buffalo, possessed an above-average blood alcohol content.

According to the police, Francis, the designated driver, was extremely fatigued after a long night of drinking at a local bar, in which he did not participate. Witnesses at the bar reported a loser matching Francis' description "drowning" himself in ginger ale and, as one patron remembered, "sucking down bowls of free peanuts like an elephant with an eating disorder" until last call at 4:00 a.m.

Because Shrode was not drunk when the accident occurred, his injuries were much more serious. Gaulle and Fergis suffered minor scrapes and bruises, while Shrode received a minor concussion, a broken hand, and a bruised ego because he was the dumb one out of a group of three drunks, and he wasn't even drunk.

Al Sharpton, always having something to say, had something to say. "Anybody in their right mind would pull over if they were tired. They would AT LEAST try to hail a cab! Sharpton is currently at 3% in Presidential election polls, with a margin of error at plus or minus 3%.

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Linda Stouffer, FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month for May 2003, had her baby boy. On May 8, just before Mother's Day, little Wyatt Russell Strassman was born to Ms. Stouffer and her husband, CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassman. Ms. Stouffer just recently returned to her anchoring job at CNN Headline News. What tenacity, coming back after only three months! For this Ms. Stouffer has been awarded FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the month for August as well. Congratulations again!

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On a truly sad note, Wesley Willis died last week at age 40. For those of you who don't know, Wesley was an artist and musician from Chicago. Though born into poverty, abused as a child, schizophrenic, mentally slow, obese, and the victim of violent attacks, he went through live happy and more importantly, made countless others happy with him. His songs were both vicious and redeeming at the same time. I and several of you have met and talked to him at least once and it was always great to see him again, with a smile on his face, ready to "rah" and "ro" with his countless fans all over the world. Wesley died from heart complications after being diagnosed with leukemia and undergoing an operation for internal bleeding this year. Find out more about him at his label's website at www.alternativetentacles.com.

Rock over London
Rock on Chicago