Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Lately I've been questioned about my political opinions and ideologies. Republicans think I'm a Democrat, and vice versa (or they think I'm a Republican, Ed). How narrow-minded! Political parties are simply trusts, oligopolizing government planning. Whatever happened to people like George Washington? He didn't put up with this kind of crap. And neither will I! You must all be destroyed!

Hypocritically, I'm starting my own political party. Fred Party Platform so far:

Find that Osama guy
Aquire Canada (except Quebec)
Control Afghan opium fields for highly taxed and controlled marijuana market
Bring back veterans' benefits
John McCain for President
Eliot Spitzer, Attorney General
Miss Aretha Franklin, The First Lady
Nationalized Heath Care, for the most part
Change name of Rhode Island to Rhodeland, for obvious reason
Bust Ticketmaster
Dissolve Buffalo City Government/Build Bridge with money saved
Move President's Day holiday to Election Day
Kill Flanders
One year of military/volunteer service for all young adults
Honorary championship trophies for Cubs/Red Sox/Bills
Leave the Indians alone
End the Death Penalty (except for Flanders)
Schooling no longer mandatory. Neither is giving health care or welfare to anyone without it.
One civil union is acceptable. Getting benefits from second and third marriages are not.
If we ever have to fight another war, we're going to WIN it
No more Income Tax; higher sales tax instead
Broadband for everyone!
National Identity Cards for everyone!
Fingerprinting too!
Colin Powell gets an award just for putting up with the rest of us.
50 cent/gallon gas tax on personal vehicles to support better public transportation
And we're switching to Metric, so forget I said "gallon"
$1 coins, and no more pennies

I got more GENIOUS ideas, but it's late.

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