Friday, February 27, 2004


A New York Times article finally disspelled the myth that if you press the button to cross the street, nothing with happen. There are something like 2000 of those buttons in NYC that were turned off decades ago. But it saved a million dollars to not take them down and it keeps the stupid people from getting disgruntled by believing they can control traffic. I applaud city hall for not telling us earlier.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

My good people:

I only want to say this once again, this time in print so everyone can see it. I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I can give the average person several answers to the question "So what have you been up to?" but this here is the truth. Since January, and for the next few months, I will be sleeping in, watching more television, and spending more time in my pajamas. And I enjoy it. Sure, I work part time. Sure, I'm slowly but steadily writing a Master's Thesis. Sometimes I even work as a substitute teacher. But you know what? On the average weekday I'm deciding my own fate. I'm reading more, taking short walks, talking to a friend or two, going through my record collection, and whatever else I feel like doing. I'm writing this at three in the morning on a Wednesday, and it doesn't matter because I haven't needed to wear a watch in weeks.

This is not a permanent situation so I might as well enjoy it. I used to pull all-nighters doing math homework in high school, then did even more in college. Sometimes I kept three jobs while simultaneously pulling a full course load. In summer I would put sixty-hour work weeks with no overtime pay because those hours weren't all at one place. My idea of a vacation would be a couple weeks of missionary work and cold showers in the middle of nowhere. As late as December I was getting up at 5:30 and driving for two hours to two jobs only to go home and type a paper, then do it all again in the morning.

In a month or so I might be visiting new schools or interviewing for jobs, but for now all I need is a laptop and a bed. My schedule is free and I'm never bored. It's great, and somehow I'm saving money to boot. I'd write more about how doing nothing has made me content, but I feel like doing something else with my time. As you yours, I'm sure.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Buy my thong! Buy my thong!

Saturday, February 21, 2004

CD: Har Mar Superstar

Madd Dogg Mark Miller does strange things with chicken bones.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Smashing Pumpkins, "Mashed Potatoes"

Last night I had a dream that I was late for a class. I didn't know what time the class started, but I knew I was late, and I was trying to find the professor's phone number and tell him I wouldn't make it in time but I didn't know where it was. That and I had a cut on my finger that needed a bandage. Then I woke up and remembered I don't have classes anymore, that it was noon, and I didn't have anywhere to be. So I guess it ended well. I found a cut on my finger, though.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

FREDLINE NEWS for 19 February 2004

FREDLINE NEWS IS BACK after a two-month absence. But we have pay stubs to prove we came in . . . .
Visit the new website at Everything but FREDLINE NEWS is up, ironically enough.

Also visit the official FREDLINE NEWS Special Valentine's Day Greeting at which will be up for one more week.

* * * * *

THIS JUST IN: Candy Bars Discovered On Mars


NASA photos released today from the Mars surface have revealed a large cache of candy bars, possibly from a time when life once existed on the now lifeless red planet. "This is totally awesome," said NASA programmer Billy Richards during the morning press conference. "Our first attempt at finding the candy bars using only one robot was futile, but by spreading two rovers out in Twix formation, we finally know where they are."

The massive stash of Hershey's, Butterfingers, and Milky Ways were originally believed too weak to withstand the harsh, hot daytime temperatures on Mars. It seems that the cool, refreshing sensation of numerous York Peppermint Patties have kept the chocolate from melting over the ages. In any case, the photos seem to have proven what scientists have only speculated for centuries: girls aren't allowed on Mars.

"Boys go to Mars to get candy bars," noted Richards. "Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider."

Still, some NASA employees are still not convinced. Mary Wroblinski, a data systems analyst for NASA's spectrometry division, claims the photos create more questions than answers.

"Judging by the blinding reflections of the sun on the landscape, and the possiblility of more adaptable, non-candy bar confections that CAN survive on the Martian surface such as Everlasting Gob-Stoppers, these candies could be anything," the analyst debated. "This means girls can still go to Mars. Anyway, Billy just wants to hog the contols for the rover and ram it into rocks. He doesn't deserve candy bars, he's a jerk face, and I'm telling."

It should be mentioned, however, that Wroblinski is a year younger than Richards. Also, according to anonymous sources, she smells like poo.

In a related story, the beleagured Hubble Space Telescope will remain operative until 2012, when it's high-powered lenses will be refocused to find the place in France where the naked ladies dance.

* * * * *


With almost two whole weeks before the opening of Mel Gibson's film "The Passion," fans are already starting to line up outside of box offices around America. Some fans are dressed up as characters from the movie, re-enacting favorite scenes from the story and showing off their knowledge of Jesus trivia. Here in Pasadena, where the film will open first in the nation, about fifty people have set up tents and lawn chairs in anticipation. Ellen Simpson, 32, is camping outside the theater with her husband and two children.

"I've been waiting forever for the book to become a movie!" Simpson told reporters. "Sure, they had an animated version, but it sucked. I just had to share this
experience with my kids. I hear the special effects are outstanding!" Her son, 8, dressed up as a Roman guard for the occasion, complete with toy sword, while her six-year-old daughter pretends she is Mary Magdalene with passers-by. Another group of twelve fans have set up a long buffet table on the sidewalk.

"The Passion" is based on the book "The Bible," an epic fable about good and evil. Though derided when it first came out, the book has gained a cult following in recent
years. Gibson, a Bible fan himself, has taken great measures to stick to the original manuscript.

Die-hard Bible readers may notice some descrepancies. "Oh man, don't get me started," says one ticketholder. "For one, it's supposed to be in the original language, but they totally got the wrong dialect of Aramaic, plus the Romans only spoke in Latin during legal matters, not in the Jerusalem marketplace. Then there's the complete omission of Matthew 27:25. Plus they totally glossed over the scene where Peter get's his ear cut off!"

When asked why the same ticketholder, wearing a Pharisee's robe, was still waiting in line, he declared "Hey, I'm a fan. It's still gonna be the best movie of the year.

And the sequel's supposed to ROCK."

* * * * *

HEY SERIOUS MESSAGE: For those of you who watch too much television, you already know the E-Loan lady is missing. That's right! For those of you that don't, the E-Loan lady was the one that walked right up to some new homeowners and got them into an E-Loan . . . on their own front porch! During ANOTHER commercial, she went into A BANK with a laptop computer and got a couple to get their mortgage at E-Loan instead! She may be the greatest salesperson ever. Don't believe me? Remember those commercials where the mom throws a bowl of cereal to her kids, and they turn into breakfast bars in mid-air? GUESS who that mother was?!

As part of a nutritious breakfast, she was also in a number of orange juice commercials years before. New ads for E-Loan now have a woman that looks a lot like the original E-Loan lady, but it's not her. What happened? Is she all right? She had been looking thinner in recent commercials. Is she on drugs? Has she succumbed to the seedy commercialism of Hollywood? If anyone knows the whereabouts of the E-Loan lady PLEASE E-mail me. She's somewhat tall, too thin, has long, straight, blonde hair, and smiles profusely and overemphasizes her hand gestures when she talks. Don't make us switch to Ditech!

* * * * *

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

CD: Parliament, "Mothership Connection"

Yesterday I drove to UB to renew some books right before a meeting at church. I got lost (again) and went the wrong way, then got to the library late to find out I 1. did not have my Interlibrary Loan card and 2. could have done it online. A car drove down the wrong side of the road and almost hit me head-on. Then I was 30 minutes late for church and had a gas tank on E. The sermon was "The Gospel According to The Simpsons: Homer" so maybe it was worth it.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

The Beatles

Saw The Dawn at The Joe's house. We passed around a funny hat to wear. We ate bad guacamole. We watched an even worse movie! Let's just say that Maculay Culkin's (sp?) acting skills got worse after Home Alone. Also, according to Joe's bathroom scale I lost seven pounds this week, which I immediately celebrated by eating a plate of spaghetti upon arriving at home. It's 4:20 and I have to sleep. Stop.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Parliament Funkadelic

I just found out there's a Christian Wrestling Federation.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

CD: Warren Zevon, "The Wind"

Another story about the town judge: did I mention he owns the gun shop? Here then (paraphrased) is the cardboard sign he put up on the window.

"A female news reporter interviewed a recruiting general at his army base during her radio show. 'Just what do you teach these young boys when they come to you?' she asked.

'The basics,' he replied, 'survival, camping, and of course how to safely operate and fire a gun . . . '

'Do you really think that's a good idea, to have such young people to use firearms?'

'Like I said, we teach them safe and responsible usage of their guns.'

'Aren't you ashamed that you're equipping these men to become killers?' she pressed.

'Well,' said the general, 'you're fully equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not doing that either . . . '

The interview quickly ended."

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

I should be working on a paper, but I have so much important stuff to do . . . Yesterday I fixed up this old message board. Last week I put together a website (!) There's cleaning and cooking and naps once in a while, taking out the garbage, talking to friends, E-mail . . . There's no time for this paper! I have to organize my CD collection now.

Monday, February 09, 2004

CD: Butter 08, again and again!

Ed, where did the background go for your blog? Joe, yours too! I better get to work and tweak these things. Last week I procrastinated so much I got a whole website working without reading one page of research material. This week is a big question mark, though I must say it is already 2 in the afternoon. In other Buffalo State news, I forgot to hand in my Application for Graduation, which means I technically won't be able to graduate until August. Not a problem, really, it just gives me more time to procrastinate out a better paper. But don't you hate missing deadlines?

Sunday, February 08, 2004

CD: Butter 08, "Butter 08"

Though they will never read this, I would just like to thank the special person that uploaded the Butter 08 album to their KaZaa Shared Folder last night. Long out of print and amazingly hard to find, you took the initiative to share what may be the best one-off side project of the 90s. A shame that no one else has heard of them. Tonight, after searching for eight years (!) I finally have the music in my hands! Thank you, thank you, and thank you again. Who else wants a copy?

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Chemical Brothers!

It was really icey coming home tonight. Really icey. The whole way. I mean, there was ice everywhere and I kept slipping around. I could barely brake sometimes. Some car near my house didn't make it and went onto some guy's yard. In conclusion, ice made driving dangerous, as seen by the observed accident. Science!

Friday, February 06, 2004

The other night I had a dream where I was trying to get rid of a body. I'm pretty sure I didn't kill her, or at least, she didn't know I was killing her when I didn't. Anyway, I threw the body in a large campfire but the flames just wouldn't catch, so picked up a rake and started beating the ashes. Well I hit her on the leg and the lady regained consciousness. Then I had to pretend, like, "Oh no, you're on fire! Let me help you!" so I wouldn't look guilty. It was a close one; I almost really embarrassed myself there.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

listen to illegal art!

more old files:


This is to inform you that the magnificent bass-drum playing talents of Fred Schrock will not be available for this Wednesday's practice. Though he expresses deep regret in missing this ensemble rehearsal on such short
notice, he does hope that a comparable bass-drum uber-man can be found in time, and wishes the rest of the band only the best of luck.


A. H. Stephens

Scheduling Secretary to Fred Schrock

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

I went to town court tonight for a speeding ticket. I've been in front of a judge a couple of times now, and I must say they're hilarious. It must be all the crap they have to put up with. I've yet to give an excuse for speeding (or anything else) not because of pride, but because I know I'm just wasting the court's valuable time. The best excuse I heard tonight:

Defendant: "Well Your Honor, it was really late and I was trying to get home, you know, cuz it was late, but I guess I just didn't notice how fast I was going . . . "

Judge: So how many years have you been driving?

Defendant: "Since I was 16, Your Honor." (The man was about 30 years old.)

Judge: "And in all these years of driving you can't tell when you're going 84 in a 45?"

Defendant: "It was dark out . . . "

Judge: "Were you in the Air Force?"

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Another old file I found on old discs:

Response to "We’re playing follow the leader at Canisius"
I must admit I am proud of my fellow student who took a risky stand and exposed a less attractive side of the general populous. The issue of being a bunch of followers is not something people like to think about in their paper plastic lives. I my self took a consideration of this subject, I want to respond to Rob’s question about what can be done?
I am not sure that the resolution is to cease being followers. I think that would be impossible. We are inherently followers, I cannot think of someone who did not follow or conform to anything throughout history. If someone could find me an authentic leader I would be grateful. Think of current leaders, like the president, he is influenced by a myriad of sources. He is under law, he works for the people, he is influenced by campaign contributors, interest groups, and his cabinet. This is not to mention how he might have been raised, he may be inclined since a young age to follow a certain way. A leader has to lead a group of followers. If being a leader meant people had to aimlessly follow and conform to me, and I ought to be against this, I would be performing a vast hypocrisy. Or if I was against following I would be contradicting myself. If I admitted being a follower and hated it, at least id be an honest fool. If the college took a serious look at its student body it should not be surprised that it is a gaggle of conformists and followers. What else would it be? No wonder the campus is full of followers following Hilfilger, nike, and barbies around, what else are they going to do? If I am going to be a follower, and what I follow is wrong, what then can I follow that would be good, or at least noble? The question should rather be whether the student body is following something worth following.
hi my name is Brian Emerson 832-[xxxx] here is my letter to the editor. Please publish me. Oh yea i wish to join the view pts staff. Thanks XBJE@WZRD.COMX

Monday, February 02, 2004

Looking through old files last night, I found this .txt. Does anyone know where this came from?

Sixteenth century French economist Pierre Huet found England and Holland similar in that they kept their empire building focused on commerce, and fighting three wars to secure that commercial aspect was in the interests of both nations. (ii) He observed firsthand that over time economics and the war machine grew intertwined during the colonial period. Comparing the state of the two European powers to comments by Gustavus Adolphus and Francis Bacon, who gauged the health of the state on economic opportunity and a sphere of influence, Huet despised the use of military strength to achieve financial aims but noted its effectiveness. (iii) For the period’s empire builders, economic stability maintained itself through a reiteration of might. Queen Elizabeth’s England was not a considerable naval or commercial force at the start, but the gradual increase of the twain played either factor as a host upon the other. Funding of early trips that led to Muscovy and around the African continent would not have been undertaken had not the voyages been touted as an investment, nor would the search for a Northwest or Northeast Passage happened if lacking the chance for individual wealth. In turn, competition by both the English and Dutch against the Spanish until their respective victories over that nation honed their mercantile skills until the two were “the Terror of the Ocean and the Narrow Seas.” (iv) In relation to this fact, my friend Joe has a Dutch chemistry professor. He is nothing like the typical pot smoking Dutch guy that Joe had hoped he would be. In fact, he is just the opposite: a boring old fuddy-duddy that gets erections when he hears the word “eigenfunction.” Ironically, the two British students in the class don’t really get along with the Dutch professor. The frequently call him a “wanker” and kick him in the testicles while screaming their loyalty to the Manchester United soccer club. Fortunately, Holland and England are both in Europe, which is far away from here.

PR1121.U62 Reel 256:E177 no.14

Reel 377:11
Coke, Roger. A Discourse of Trade. London: H. Brome, 1670.
Part I: The Reason of the Decay of the Strength, Wealth, and Trade of England.
Part II: Of the Growth and Increase of the Dutch Trade above the English.

Davids, Karel ed. and Jan Lucassen ed. A Miracle Mirrored: The Dutch Republic in European Perspective. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1995.
Ch. 6: “Britain and the Dutch Republic,” William Speck

Robertson, John ed. A Union for Empire: Political Thought and the British Union of 1707. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1995.
“Empire and Union: Two Concepts of the Early Modern European Political Order,” John Robertson

“Daniel Defoe’s Political Writings 1698-1707,” Laurence Dickey

Rotberg, Robert I. ed. Social Mobility and Modernization: A Journal of Interdisciplinary History Reader. Cambridge, Massachusetts: The MIT Press, 2000.
“The Political Foundations of Modern Economic Growth: England, 1540-1800,” E. A. Wrigley.

W., W. An History of the Transaction Betwixt the Crown of England and the States of the Netherlands, Since they First Began to be a Republique, to this Day. London: Thomas Mabb, 1644.

[Nota Bene 6/19/04: from Joe Ferguson]

Sunday, February 01, 2004

A collection of texts from e-mail spam:

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A active vallie makes baby Jesus cry.

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