Saturday, July 26, 2003

FREDLINE NEWS for Saturday, 26 July 2003


If you do not want these anymore, please reply and say so. Please use "please" when doing so, because your mother taught you manners. You can use the old E-mails to line the cage of your Tamogatchi pet. I think that's how it's spelled. For anyone that likes to see the same thing in two different formats (e.g. Betamax, for example) it is posted on

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Terre Haute, IN: It could take several weeks of rehab, but the repercussions of last Tuesday's fall during an afternoon run could put Jeffrey Grose out of the running for the next NFL Draft.

Grose, a graduate student at Indiana State University, wanted to be eligible for the NFL Draft hoping to be drafted by the nearby Indianapolis Colts.

"Yeah, I've been limping around a little, so I'll have to stop running for a while. I think I pulled something," the dejected athlete remarked. "Maybe next year."

Grose runs several times a week, depending on his study schedule and weather conditions. Though never playing in professional or collegiate sports, he was a member of several intramural football teams and played countless 1-on-1 basketball games with his younger brother. Once last November Grose remarked that it would "be really cool if I got drafted in the last rounds of the [NFL] Draft. Dude I'd be rich." Though expressing at numerous occations that NFL players are overpaid babies, sources close to Grosse have hinted that a large NFL salary would not hinder his decision to enter the league.

The Colts front office was unavailable for comment.
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The FREDLINE NEWS staff will be in the Czech Republic for the next 2-3 weeks, doing--of course--The Lord's Work. Though there are unknown hazards ahead, one thing is certain: we here at FREDLINE NEWS are prepared for the threat of terrorism, whether here or abroad.

As per recent comments by President George "Wuh?" Bush taunting would-be terrorists to "come and get us" [That's a paraphrase. We don't do a lot of fact-checking], we offer those same terrorists the following scenario:

--You (the terrorist) tries to hijack our international flight to Frankfurt
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) goes Passenger 57 on your hiney.
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) become national heroes, appearing on Letterman (NOT Leno, unless he offers more $$), Charlie Rose, and of course Larry King.
--During the call-in session at Larry King, the recently-returned-home Jessica Lynch rings me up to applaud our bravery in the face of impending doom.
--We reply, with a sly grin and a wink, "Hey, you're not so bad yourself."
--We (our staff, and Jessica Lynch) chat for a while about being heroes, the weather in West Virginia, etc.
--We get digits.

Admit it, she is kind of cute.

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To those of you looking for a DIFFERENT news source, that we here at EDLINE NEWS cut through the crap (FR) and get straight to the point (ED). It's just staight News here at EDLINE. As our motto states: "We report We decide." EDLINE NEWS: Ed's opinion for you.
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We here at FREDLINE NEWS would just like to answer a few of the bogus claims being knocked around by the upstart media rival known as EDLINE NEWS. As their press release claims, the staff of FREDLINE NEWS has done everything from being "politically biased, and unfair," to having connections with the government of Saudi Arabia, Ashley Judd, and a Russian bride smuggling ring.

All of these accuations are complete fabrications, or as we call them in the journalism business, "horsehockey." Nay, ED is a pucking liar. Though the ongoing relationship between a member of the FREDLINE NEWS staff and actress Ashley Judd is verifiable and a private matter, everything else is purely and utterly untrue.

We challenge the staff of EDLINE NEWS to corroborate their insinuations. We also match your four insinuations and rise you one more. That's right, we here at FREDLINE NEWS have found ample evidence to prove that ED is EVIL. One look at the following website should explain everything.

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Our News Anchorette of the Month for July is Baghdad Bob. He's not exactly a woman or a newsperson, but we all love him dearly. Be sure to check out his new movie at


Tuesday, July 15, 2003

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 15 July 2003


If this is in your Inbox: Just so I don't get sued by the FCC people, remember that at one time you gave a guy named Fred your E-mail address, and lucky you, "You've Got Mail!" You can reply to this letter with an "Unsubscribe Me/Stop The Insanity" message. This is also one of those things you can FWD around if you really enjoy it, or go to if you'd like to read back issues.

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Hey, you know those commericals with the guy that buys that Internet Station thingy that probably cost him like $20,000? And every day he goes to it, opens it up, and WOW there's, like, TWENTY bucks worth of $1 bills inside? And that
makes him rich somehow? THAT COULD BE YOU! We here at Ameri-POS have told you for two years now that other people are going to take all the good spots at malls and airports. It's an amazing coincidence that there are spots still left NEAR YOU!

"I want the American Dream, and I want it now!" --Woman from commercial, who forgot the struggle of her immigrant forefathers
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So this lady walks into the store and wants to buy some coffee. She reaches into her pocket, and somewhere between all the Casino Niagara tokens she finds $1.50 in Canadian money and hands it to me. So I tell her I can't take Canadian money unless she wants to pay the exchange rate, and suddenly I've infringed on her rights as an American. "What do you mean?! Everyone does it!!," to which I reply that yes, they do, in Canada. Now she must See a Manager Immediately. That means I have to go find the manager, who really does have better things to do, and explain why this woman has to interrupt TWO people that don't care two cents for her $1.50 coffee. Then the manager has to do the Happy Customer Dance until the problem goes away.

When I came back, the woman was on the other side of the room, filling up a coffee cup she'd stolen from behind the register. She sees me. "Changed your mind, huh?" So I flip her off. She wasn't very happy.

That night, and for the next day or so, my middle finger became a badge of honor. For the few people at work that I told (you have to be careful what gets out) it helped relieve some work tension. It was a fun little story to tell friends and family. ("And then I did THIS, Mom!") But then the thoughts started creeping in. What if I've gone on a power trip, and start telling off customers every day? More importantly, what if she comes back? With her larger, angrier boyfriend? Uh-oh. I had to watch my back. This is what I get for not loving my neighboUr!

Next week, she did come back, and her boyfriend/husband/brother was there, too. It was a particularly busy lunch period, so it was easy to pretend I didn't recognize her and look occupied. As I said "Thanks" to her as I did any other customer, she responded with a noticeably sharp "Thank YOU!!" in return.

So my fears were not entirely baseless. In conclusion, don't flip people off, unless you know them personally. You never know when they'll show up again. And they'll show up with their mullet-headed, dumbfounded, trailer-hick redneck stringbean of a husband/brother/probably both to stare at you awkwardly for a couple minutes.

I hope she's not reading this.

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(found amongst my notes from a conference last year)

Oh, the Renaissance.
Pictures and statues abound.
Italians do work!

Dr. McDonnell.
Stumbles, speaking, long pauses.
Weekend-old coffee.

Canadians here?
The vermin lift up their hands,
Gap-toothed from hockey.

Duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck GOOSE!
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"it would be sweet if you included links to pics of the newsanchor women of the month. its a pain in the neck to hunt these chicks down myself."

--Joe F., Buffalo

Joe, it's good to know you're hunting down chicks on the Internet! In June we declared the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month to be Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. You can see hot, steamy pictures of her sitting at a desk at "Daniel J." who runs the site, also wrote a wonderful dedication poem named "Ave Maria." Thanks for writing, Joe! You're creepy.

Stay tuned for the next issue, when we crown the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of July and expose the unheard-of evils of our rival publication, EDLINE NEWS.

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(You can stop reading now)

TomServo0: guess who driving to chicago with me and my brother?
roi058: joe
roi058: lenny
roi058: hannah
roi058: micah
roi058: jerry
roi058: tony
roi058: richard
roi058: mustaffa
roi058: duffy
roi058: derrick
roi058: dosteovesky
roi058: thoreau
roi058: dr. butler
roi058: gerri pawalek
roi058: damien
roi058: some of joe's HIV friendster hoes
roi058: michael jackson
roi058: drew bledsoe
roi058: dave
roi058: dave
roi058: dave's dad
roi058: richard allen
roi058: osama bin laden
roi058: saddam huissein
roi058: tommy franks
roi058: wesley clark
roi058: howard dean
roi058: george bush, senior
roi058: jeb
roi058: jethro tull
roi058: john mccenroe
roi058: tom arnold
roi058: david letterman
roi058: an elephant trainer
roi058: a lion tamer
roi058: a real estate agent
roi058: a tops manager
roi058: susie liddle
roi058: mary echter
roi058: mike lauria
roi058: jack kerouac's ashes
roi058: tim allen
roi058: dick van dyke
roi058: a motorcycle dyke
roi058: beck
roi058: lisa loeb
roi058: danko jones
TomServo0: warmer
roi058: david guterson
roi058: tim o'brien
roi058: ani difranco
roi058: natalie merchant
roi058: bjork
roi058: mick cochrane
roi058: father cooke
roi058: joe's grandma
roi058: thurman thomas
roi058: hillary clinton
roi058: an antelope herder
roi058: jesus christ
roi058: your mom
roi058: dr. rosenbloom
roi058: dr. jones
roi058: pete martin
roi058: catherine sicoli
roi058: dr. d'amico
roi058: jack kevorikian
roi058: bernard slepian's widow
TomServo0: should i just tell you, or are you having too much fun?
roi058: zack
roi058: mario lopez
roi058: steve irwin
roi058: bob graham
roi058: tim russert
roi058: charity vogel
roi058: megan herbeck
roi058: give me 5 more guesses........................
roi058: james lipton
roi058: charlie rose
roi058: oprah
roi058: kevin o'connell
roi058: jane cary
roi058: ok, you can tell me
TomServo0: mike slagor
roi058: i was so close
TomServo0: how you missed that is beyond me
TomServo0: i think you just re-took the 2000 census
roi058: i wanted to name 5 million people
roi058: but i don't really have the time
roi058: al sharpton, al gore, alphonse d'amato, alec baldwin...
roi058: brett boone, barry bonds, barry bostwick, bernie kosar, and bump Andgo
roi058: corbin lacina, jimmy carter, catcher in the ryle, toni morrison, and ray romano
roi058: bob evans, jimmy dean, kenny rogers, bob dylan, and michael moore
roi058: michael douglass, michael richards, richard michaels, al michaels, and dick n. anus
roi058: apricot, orange, cherry, banana, tomato, grape, and apple
roi058: lemon, lime, peach, pear, and cranberry
roi058: ibm, dell, gateway, apple, toshiba, hp, sony, compaq, winbook
roi058: jazz, soft rock, adult contemporary . . . .