Friday, October 31, 2003

FREDLINE NEWS for Friday, 31 October 2003


Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, FREDLINE NEWS comes along to tug at the bottom of your swim trunks. Past issues can be found at To unsubscribe, beg for mercy by responding to this address. Forwarding permitted (bring two forms of I.D.)


Cheese--EXTREME DAIRY! Now in Neon Yellow! Eat it any way you want! Cheese is AWESOME! Now back to SpongeBob Squarepants.


I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one. About a month ago I was driving through Lackawanna, New York. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. In front of me was a car going about six miles per hour. No--less. As I drove around it I noticed several things:

1) The driver's door was open
2) There was a rope coming out of the passenger window
3) The driver was obese
4) There was a dog walking on the sidewalk
5) The dog was attached to the rope

Until that moment, I was like one of you. I would watch the news reports saying "Americans are fatter than ever!" and think nothing of it. It's when you see A WOMAN TOO LAZY TO GET OUT OF THE CAR TO WALK HER DOG that you realize our country really is in trouble. I don't want to sound like a sympathizer, but Lackawanna (allegedly) was the home to the Lackawanna Six Al-Qaida cell. My guess is those six, thin, first-generation Americans saw this fatso waving them by in her Lincoln and thought to themselves, "my family is starving across the sea, I work like a dog at my crappy job to make my mortgage payments, everybody hates my homeland, culture, religion, and accent, and here is this humungous white lady with no job, no desire to WALK, no common sense, and enough blubber for three whaling expeditions! Democracy my arse!"

The next time I see this woman I'm taking her dog. And that's the freaking news! Happy Halloween!

Here is a funny cartoon:
Here is another one:
And here is yet another:


It's been several months now, but who could forget Field Day: the proposed mega-music festival that went from a 2-day outdoors picnic to a half-day, rainsoaked mess ending up with Beck in the hospital. I just found my poncho in the closet! Also this testimony:

"As if the whole event wasn't enough of a total disaster," one spectator was quoted as saying, "my girlfriend ate a hot dog from one of Giants Stadium's fine concessionaires and ended up getting food poisoning, so we had to leave early to handle the puking. After dealing with all the other Field Day s***, I didn't even get to see more than couple of Radiohead songs -- the only possible saving grace of the crummy Festival. My girlfriend was spewing, shaking and green-faced for the rest of the night (a very expensive night I might add). Anybody else get sick off the nasty-assed food they were slinging?"

In related news, second-stage act Elliot Smith just killed himself this week.

Field Day was THAT bad.


To make up for this issue, the next FREDLINE NEWS will feature a feature interview with Moses. No, not Malone, but the real Moses. (His last name is Spiegelbaum.) He's got a new memoir out, "Blood From a Stone: My Years as Israeli Prime Minister." Should be interesting. If you have any questions for Moses, please E-mail FREDLINE NEWS at We'll ask as many as we'll have space for. And now, if you do a quick Google search, "Girls Jumping On Trampolines."