Last week a few of us went to Quebec. All three of us had several years of education concerning the French language, and it was all useless. We Sucked. I couldn't even order a sandwich right ("The Number Four", sadly). During the ride we tried speaking in French, mostly mocking the Quebecois, but when we arrived we were des stupides. Je regrete, les Quebecois, mon mal. Then we stopped at the Burger King Motel, which is a real Burger King with a real Motel. We wondered if it had room service, which would have been awesome. Instead of mints, they could have left little ketchup packets on our pillows! Or as the Canadians would say, catsup packets.

Two important events on Friday that changed Dave for the better:

1) The purchase of a cowbell. The man's got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell.

2) I owe Dave eight dollars, instead of the other way around.

So we were out to eat last night and one of us was talking about how they would rather have an Intelligent Conversation with a woman than go to a topless bar. To which I put a dollar bill in my mouth and yelled "Tell me about Nietzsche!" They laughed so hard I had to tell it twice. G'night, folks, try the veal.

I'm getting married in three months and five days. But my dress is too big in the boobs. You need more ketchup. Give me a triple triple from Timmy Ho's!

The people of the Rochester area are some of the nicest folks you could ever meet. In the town of Sweden I found kids and adults of all races playing and working together in harmony, black-and-white cookie style. Local historians are active community leaders who write poems about things like dogs and hamburger stands. The centerpiece of the town is a homemade September 11th statue. People ask you if you need directions and want to know how you're doing if you don't look familiar. At the local college, a student who couldn't get my library card to work went out of her way to find loopholes in the system, and then finally checked my books out under her own name so I could take them home. That's classy!

My new toothbrush is freakin' awesome. Nothing fancy but a great scrub nonetheless. Thanks, pharmacy owner!

Yesterday was my first experience in a Duty Free Shop. There was a lot of alcohol which didn't interest me because I don't drink, and a lot of perfume, which is an even lesser topic of conversation. If someone smells nice, and you tell them, they're never going to say "Do you like it? I got it by the gallon at the Duty Free Shop." The complete opposite of the commercials, perfume buying must be very unromantic. What did interest me was the size of the chocolate bars. Five pounds of Kit Kats for six dollars is awesome. They had those big Toblerones you can only get in airport stores, but here they came in packs of three for $24. You could munch on that for a month, which is just about the time it takes for me to get back to the Duty Free Shop. Maybe I'll invest in a gold-bar-sized hunk of the Swiss Stuff next time I'm around.

Bands & Artists I saw perform (orderless and colorless)

Help me out because I'm missing plenty.

Radiohead (3)
Beck (2, also cancelled 1)
Beastie Boys (also, cancelled 1)
Spiritualized
Underworld
Beth Orton
Liz Phair
Pearl Jam
Foo Fighters (2)
Smashing Pumpkins
Our Lady Peace
Catherine Wheel
Tool
A Perfect Circle (2)
Blur
Treblecharger (3)
Danko Jones (5)
Ben Folds Five
Ben Folds
Mighty Mighty Bosstones
The Roots (left)
The Used
Britney Spears (worked venue)
Jewel (worked venue)
Newsboys (3, incl. worked venue 1)
DC Talk
GRITS
Hocus Pick (2)
Petra (2)
Ozomatli (2)
Ben Harper
Dave Matthews Band
Mexican Cession
One World Tribe
Glenn Miller Orchestra (2)
Johnny Cash (I walked through the building once while he played in the auditorium. I heard the music, does that count? It would be really cool if it did.)
U2
PJ Harvey
Chevelle
Beta Band (arrived late)
DJ Kid Koala (2)
The Pietasters
Cherry Poppin' Daddies
Nine Inch Nails
MiSTER
Cucumber + Ginseng (All of 'em!)
Ron Hawkins & The Rusty Nails
Barenaked Ladies
Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra (5?)
Pittsburg Philharmonic Orchestra
Gary Bartz Quintet
Maelstrom Percussion Ensemble (3)
Zwan
Queens Of The Stone Age
Weezer (3)
Dashboard Confessional
Default
Jimmy Eat World
No Doubt
The Faint
Oasis
Sloan
Big Delicious
The Who
Eric Clapton
Doyle Bramhall II And Smokestack
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Stone Temple Pilots
Caedmon's Call
Bebo Norman
Jill Phillips
The Tea Party
Velour
Alanis Morrisette
Tori Amos
The Waz
Acappella
Allman Brothers Band (worked venue)
Village People
Sparta
Roger Waters (worked venue)
Wesley Willis (3)
Saves The Day
Fishbone
The Start
Lance Diamond (2)
(Rage Against The Machine cancelled)
John Schlitt
Pier Nine Brawl
They Might Be Giants (1, cancelled 1)
Gov't Mule (part)
Eve 6 (2)
Stage
Ron Hawkins and the Rusty Nails
White Stripes
Whirlwind Heat
Elliot Smith
Death From Above
C'mon
Mates of State
Strokes

Two days ago my sister got fired from her job. I had to drive her to work that day, and she called to have me pick her up before I got home. I tried to be reassuring and stuff, but then she said something like "it's your fault" or a similar stupid comment. That's when I piled in her. Of course they fired you; you can't hold a job. You probably didn't work hard enough. Hey, maybe you can get a new job cleaning houses, so other people's places will be just as sparklingly unclean as ours. She was unfazed. Just another Thursday at the house.

Since summer's just around the corner, it's about everyone got accustomed to the new BDI (B*** D***ling Index). The lower the BDI, the hotter the outdoors temperature. Let's show an example of everyday use:

X: Man, it's hot out.

Y: No kidding, dude. My BDI is four from the floor.

Z: Heck, mine are still waiting in the car with the AC on.

X: C'mon Z, we told you not to wear a sweater!


Now let's show a very different situation:

X: There's no heat in this pool!

Y: My BDI is in my stomach!

Z: My BDI broke off!

X: C'mon Z, we all know you're Jewish!


--A public service announcement from The President's Council on Physical Fitness.--

[from a couple days ago]

TomServo0 (11:13:28 PM): yeah. oh, here's a good one
TomServo0 (11:13:58 PM): today my mother asked me where, if there was a place, that she could send money to help pay for my education
TomServo0 (11:14:14 PM): yeah mom, my HAND
SarahG (11:14:23 PM): hahaha
SarahG (11:14:26 PM): wow, that's funny
SarahG (11:14:29 PM): !!
SarahG (11:14:37 PM): she really asked you that?
TomServo0 (11:14:56 PM): yes!
TomServo0 (11:15:12 PM): and then she was like, "i mean, like a bank..."
TomServo0 (11:15:23 PM): me: "yeah, i have a bank account!"
SarahG (11:15:25 PM): that's freakin crazy, so is she going to give you money
SarahG (11:15:38 PM): how much does she want to give you
TomServo0 (11:15:55 PM): she probably won't give me anything
SarahG (11:15:59 PM): awww man
SarahG (11:16:02 PM): she's confused
TomServo0 (11:16:12 PM): damn hypotheticals
SarahG (11:16:49 PM): so she's basically saying "if i were to have the money for your education, to whom would i give that money?"
TomServo0 (11:17:30 PM): yup
SarahG (11:18:00 PM): and that's going to help you out how?
TomServo0 (11:18:06 PM): i have no idea

Leadership Conference, pt. 3

Bag lunches, provided by Anderson's, were . . . provided. For lunch. You could get the famous Beef on Weck sandwich, or turkey or ham, with chips, a cookie, and all the Pespi you could drink (one of the speakers was CEO of PespiCo). But I know all about being a leader from the most important leader in America, George F'N W Bush. Here's how crazy King George the Third helped me take advantage of the situation:

1.) Don't pay attention at important meetings. I brought stuff to read. By the end of the day I had finished a 200-page book, 2 newspapers and several short stories. I needed a backpack for everything, but that just shows preparedness.

2.) As a leader, rules of equity don't apply to you. This one was easy. Walking through the food line, I grabbed a Turkey bag. Then, I went to get my complimentary Pepsi. Then, I put it in my backpack. Then, I went back in line. With free hands I grabbed me a Roast Beef.

3.) Why buy something if you can pre-emptively take it? I got free pens, a half-dozen free sodas and a SWEET Post-It pad that's about 4 inches thick. I'll be writing on free Post-Its until 2012.

4.) Don't learn anything; someone will lead for you. I don't remember a thing. The end!

Leadership Seminar pt. 2:

Seminar Speakers are normally forgetable. The first one during the conference, however, at least got my attention with his topic. Two giant screens in the 1500-person room said simply: "MEET FRED." I now quote from the program handed out to all the participants.

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER FRED

Who is Fred?
And how does he manage to make a difference in the lives of everyone he meets?

--Fred is the customer service rep on the phone who finally gives you some service.

--Fred is the clerk who loans you $5.00 because the ATM is broken.

--Fred is the postman whose outstanding service inspired Mark Sanborn's THE FRED FACTOR.

Fred is the extraordinary person we can all be if we just follow the four life-changing principles that can help us find fresh energy, enthusiasm, and creativity wherever our careers or lives may lead.

Stop making it through the day.
Start making a difference.

www.fredfactor.com

Last Friday I went to a Leadership Seminar for business-type people who have to go to leadership seminars. Here's a conversation I overheard while in the bathroom between speakers:

1: "Hey, whaddya think so far?"

2: "Oh man, are you kidding? I live for this stuff!"

1: "Ha ha! I hear ya. That guy was right on about prioritizing.

2: "You know it. You know, every morning I enter my tasks in my tablet..."

[this is where I started rolling my eyes]

2: "...and then I put them in order of importance. And I've found that when I accomplish the first three or four, the rest just seem to melt away."

1: "So true. Are you staying for the lunch roundtable session? I'm going to be here the whole day."

2: "You know it!"

I didn't know these people existed. More on this later.

I just finished eating a whole can of SPAM. Didn't even phase me.

Yahoo!'s version of Scrabble is called Literati and I'm addicted. Perhaps you know of my previous Yahoo! addictions, such as Launchcast Radio (reached "fanatic" in three days; temporarily banned for overuse), Geocities website space (I have two sites), and Yahoo! Photos (about 1200 photos uploaded within the first forty-eight hours). Now I play a game or two against whatever goof is online. Many times it's grandmothers that completely destroy me.

ADDENDUM:

After just playing, I must admit I totally rocked it. The score was like 300 to 170. I used up all my letters 3 times. THREE times, people. THREE.

Edited by: TomServo0 at: 5/1/04 1:07 am