I'm in Nashville. This is crazy. It was a long drive. I listened to truckin' music.

Vinyl: Kiss, "Destroyer"

Christmas Poem That Sucks

It is almost Christmas
No one reads this board
This poem doesn't rhyme
Happy birthday Lord

Tomorrow we'll get presents
Unless we're really poor
Or atheist or Jewish
Or fighting in the war

Wrapping presents takes too long
It creates excess trash
They found mad cow in Washington
The cattle market will crash

I hooked up an old record player
I found a Kiss record to play
I don't know where I got it from
But Kiss sounds kind of gay

This year lots of people died
Wesley Willis, three Cashes
Joe Strummer, Senator Simon
And there were some plane crashes

I'm eating too much candy
But that's because it's free
There's no such thing as a free salad
I wonder why dat be

Soon I'll go to Ottawa
That might be exciting
Montreal, Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Paul
But now I'm just reciting

www.adultswim.com/games/a...index.html

Awesome game!

In other important news, they caught Saddam Hussein the other day. It's awesome how this will finally end the war on terrorism! To celebrate, Iraqis stopped firing on American troops for a second and fired in the air instead. The bullets then fell on Americans.

listen to Sleater-Kinney's "Dig Me Out" right now!

There will be a new FREDLINE NEWS. I'm working on it. It will be very obtuse. Meanwhile, someone explain why they developed Mini-M&M's. They were a choking hazard as it was! Gee, the executive said, I like our M&M's but I'm on a diet. Can we make them smaller? Right about then is when Dilbert slaps his forehead. Until I write the darned FN article, or they invent Intravenous Skittles, this is TS0 signing off.

CD: White Stripes, "De Stijl"

Went to the casino last night. The ID guy looks at the card, looks at me and says "Well hey! You've got the same birthday as me!" and I say "April 25? Huh!" and he lets me pass. Then my friends start talking about the weird questions that THEY were asked and it finally dawns on me: his birthday probably wasn't on April 25! Then I lost 3 of my $5 and ate at Denny's. Don't eat the Breakfast Dagwood. Le fin!

Listening to: OutKast

The guy at Kinko's said the copies and the binding would take about 35 minutes, but it ended up being about 1:40. So I was really late for work. Not that I wanted to work. I didn't work that hard when I got there. Also, Joe (from "Joe's Blog") told me to write about what a jerk he is on my blog, so here it is. Man, that Joe, what a jerk! My apartment smells like bean soup. I'm a bit constipated. My alarm clock is set to play Iggy Pop and The Stooges' "Search and Destroy" tomorrow morning. Before I go to work at noon, I have to fill my car with gas. You're this close to reading Adult Swim News here. (If you get that one, E-mail me. We'll hang out.)

Listening to: Outkast

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. More importantly, I beat Shadowgate. Shadowgate was an old Nintendo game that used to give me nightmares because whenever you died a giant Grim Reaper would come on the screen. Also, you could get eaten alive by alligators or set on fire. You never saw any of that, but it SUGGESTED it would happen. Anyway, I downloaded a list of all the secrets for the game and walked through it. That's when I realized that there is no possible way I could have beaten it by myself...in fact, I don't know anyone who has. Once I went to this family's house and they were trying to beat it for a second time, but forgot how. It's that hard. I believe no one has ever finished the game without cheating. Meanwhile, the Grim Reaper is still a bit freaky.

So I was throwing dice in the alley the other day, wearin' my leather, and Officer Leroy comes up to me and says "Hey I thought I told you to" and I'm like "WHATEVER!"

Was listening to: 94.5

So my brother and a friend and I went to Krispy Kreme at about 2 in the morning. One worker there ran up to the drive-thru window and yelled "HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE CINNAMON DOUGHNUT?" He was pretty hyper. As my friend Richie described it, "It looked liked the teeth were falling out of his head." Too much sugar for that dude. So I guess Richie is a friend...he's really my brother's friend...then again that means I only have like two friends if I can't count people I've met through other friends. Richie said goodbye but I didn't really say goodbye back; I had a doughnut in my mouth. Creme-filled. Mmm.

Watching: America's Funniest Videos"

So my dad was watching this and I haven't seen it in years. If you only watch it every five years it can have some funny parts... But the best part of the show is that it's totally bourgeois. Everyone is ugly and poor, just like the rest of us! I mean, they'll dress up to go get their prize in Los Angeles, but their home videos make them look really really bad. I guess we all wear ratty clothes when we're around the house, so now I can feel better about myself.

Listening to: Tech TV

So anyway I was at the mall yesterday. I saw this woman dragging a kid outside the mall and she was MAD. Meanwhile the kid would not stop screaming, so I kind of figured out what was up. When their car pulled around I also saw the woman turn around and give the sign language sign for "SIT DOWN!" In conclusion, not only could the kid scream at the top of his lungs to get what he wanted, he was also deaf. He's a genious.

Listening to: Jamaican-tinged SMB3 credits music

So Ed found a really good emulator and made the mistake of telling me about it. I downloaded Super Mario Bros. 3 and played it all day, all the way through. I didn't think I still had it in me but I did; in fact it was the best I'd ever done it. Once I played it through when I was like 12 or 13 and it took 3 days, but I did it within the course of an afternoon. Pretty good considering how many years it's been. It's like those movies where the character gets anmesia... "I think I have to jump here, but I don't know why...[bonk][1-UP falls from sky]...Awesome!" Now if only I could remember the GREs like that.

Listening to: CBC Radio 2

In case you haven't noticed, I gave up on FREDLINE NEWS (for now) and am back to the blogs. For all 3 of you that read the bloody things.

Last night we went to see Chris Rock perform. Before I went I told everybody that he'd talk about "being black and smoking crack." It was my theory that almost all of his punchlines ended with "black", "crack", or something else that kind of rhymes, like "cracka!" I was only half right. The rest are "b****" and "f***!" Of course everything in between was pretty insightful; a biting social commentary. But when going for the big punchline laugh, you just gotta say, "f*** b****, where's my crack!?"

FREDLINE NEWS for Friday, 31 October 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: BOO

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, FREDLINE NEWS comes along to tug at the bottom of your swim trunks. Past issues can be found at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. To unsubscribe, beg for mercy by responding to this address. Forwarding permitted (bring two forms of I.D.)

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HEY KIDS, EAT MORE CHEESE!

Cheese--EXTREME DAIRY! Now in Neon Yellow! Eat it any way you want! Cheese is AWESOME! Now back to SpongeBob Squarepants.
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FREDLINE NEWS: HEY HEY HEY

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one. About a month ago I was driving through Lackawanna, New York. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. In front of me was a car going about six miles per hour. No--less. As I drove around it I noticed several things:

1) The driver's door was open
2) There was a rope coming out of the passenger window
3) The driver was obese
4) There was a dog walking on the sidewalk
5) The dog was attached to the rope

Until that moment, I was like one of you. I would watch the news reports saying "Americans are fatter than ever!" and think nothing of it. It's when you see A WOMAN TOO LAZY TO GET OUT OF THE CAR TO WALK HER DOG that you realize our country really is in trouble. I don't want to sound like a sympathizer, but Lackawanna (allegedly) was the home to the Lackawanna Six Al-Qaida cell. My guess is those six, thin, first-generation Americans saw this fatso waving them by in her Lincoln and thought to themselves, "my family is starving across the sea, I work like a dog at my crappy job to make my mortgage payments, everybody hates my homeland, culture, religion, and accent, and here is this humungous white lady with no job, no desire to WALK, no common sense, and enough blubber for three whaling expeditions! Democracy my arse!"

The next time I see this woman I'm taking her dog. And that's the freaking news! Happy Halloween!

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Here is a funny cartoon: homestarrunner.com/homestarloween.html
Here is another one: www.villagevoice.com/issu...sutton.php
And here is yet another: members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf
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FIELD DAY 2003 MEMORIES

It's been several months now, but who could forget Field Day: the proposed mega-music festival that went from a 2-day outdoors picnic to a half-day, rainsoaked mess ending up with Beck in the hospital. I just found my poncho in the closet! Also this testimony:

"As if the whole event wasn't enough of a total disaster," one spectator was quoted as saying, "my girlfriend ate a hot dog from one of Giants Stadium's fine concessionaires and ended up getting food poisoning, so we had to leave early to handle the puking. After dealing with all the other Field Day s***, I didn't even get to see more than couple of Radiohead songs -- the only possible saving grace of the crummy Festival. My girlfriend was spewing, shaking and green-faced for the rest of the night (a very expensive night I might add). Anybody else get sick off the nasty-assed food they were slinging?"

In related news, second-stage act Elliot Smith just killed himself this week.

Field Day was THAT bad.

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FREDLINE NEWS: COLLECTING FOR UNICEF!

To make up for this issue, the next FREDLINE NEWS will feature a feature interview with Moses. No, not Malone, but the real Moses. (His last name is Spiegelbaum.) He's got a new memoir out, "Blood From a Stone: My Years as Israeli Prime Minister." Should be interesting. If you have any questions for Moses, please E-mail FREDLINE NEWS at TomServo0@aol.com. We'll ask as many as we'll have space for. And now, if you do a quick Google search, "Girls Jumping On Trampolines."

FREDLINE NEWS for Friday, 26 September 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: IF YOU'RE "WEBCAMSUZY99," STOP IMing ME

FREDLINE NEWS is brought to you by the letters V and H and the number 1. Please reply to this address to lavish praise upon our news team for their astounding journalistic prowess. We also handle unsubscriptions. Sorry, Virginia! (There is no Santa Claus.) Back issues are posted for reasons of archeological research at http://pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius and now at http://dissek.com/webboard for no reason whatsoever. Skynyrd rules.


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PANTENE PRO-V IS THE BOMB

I lost my shampoo bottle in a hotel room in Chicago right after I checked out. After going back to the front desk to ask if they'd seen anything while cleaning up, a delightful cleaning lady appeared like Tinkerbell out of nowhere and let me down a maze of corridors to the secret lair of the maintenance department, a Never-Never Land where lost items remain forever young. She let me look through a locker overflowing with pirate treasure, but alas, no Eckerd-brand $1.19 Value Size. Then came the magic words: "Take whatever you want."

There were clothes and towels, but that seemed a little shady. I didn't come to loot, after all, I came for 'poo, so I grabbed the only bottle I could find. There it was. Pantene Pro-V 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner Classic Clean 400 mL (13.5 FL OZ). The last month has been a renaissance. Pantene's enriched "Pro-Vitamin" formula keeps my normal hair lustrous and healthy-looking from roots to ends. It cleans without stripping and conditions with balanced moisture in one step. My hair stays balanced, strong, healthy-looking, responding to my hair's structure to help bring out the beauty that's mine alone. Now all I have to do is dispense product into palm and rub hands together, apply shampoo to wet hair, massaging scalp with fingertips in a rotating motion, work lather through to ends, rinse thoroughly, and repeat if desired, and all is right with the world. I use it daily. Even better, I know that it's gentle enough to use on my permed or color-treated hair. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
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FREDLINE NEWS CORRECTIONS

--UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan does not have an alpaca ranch in Arkansas. He sold it in 1983.

--A recent obituary claims that Ms. Greta Pellington of Tonawanda died this Tuesday. The publication of this pre-written obituary was unfortunate, as she is still very much alive and kicking, buried with her coffin.

--The FREDLINE NEWS Editorial Department greatly regrets its coarse reply to a letter sent in by a Joshua D. of Buffalo, who after describing himself as a "nonpracticing Unitarian" got the response, "Isn't that an oxymoron?" The staff does not apologize for the error.


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FREDLINE NEWS ANCHORETTE OF THE MONTH AWARD

Special congratulations go to Michaela Pereira of TechTV for winning the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette Award for September 2003. A member of the TechTV news team since 1998, this fabulous adopted Canadian has made inspecting gadgets the best thing on television since...since "Inspector Gadget" was on television! Check out an eerie stalker pic page at http://members.cts.com/beach/j/johnson/techtvbabes.htm today!

That's all for now, see you in October.
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TomServo0: JEFF
jeff80: DERF
TomServo0: SUP
jeff80: not much, yo
TomServo0: here also is another benefit of AOL:
TomServo0: "Hear Hillary Duff's New CD: 'Metamorphosis' is on AOL but not in stores, Listen!"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: HEY
TomServo0: english question
jeff80: HEY SHOOT
TomServo0: what goes first in alphabetical order, "I've" or "in"
TomServo0: i guess i could look at a dictionary for this, huh
jeff80: depends --- there are dictionaries that do it both ways --- i'd put i've first
TomServo0: do you think it's 2 words?
jeff80: yeah
TomServo0: i think it's one
TomServo0: but i'd say the apostrophe precedes letters
jeff80: is "i have" one word or two?
TomServo0: "con·trac·tion n.
A word, as won't from will not, or phrase, as o'clock from of the clock, formed by omitting or combining some of the sounds of a longer phrase.
The formation of such a word."
jeff80: i don't buy it
jeff80: because in academic writing you can't use contractions because they're just viewed as abbreviations
TomServo0: that doesn't mean they're not singular words, it just suggests they're informal
TomServo0: "Edward80: I would say perhaps an expression. Its like 1.5 words" "TomServo0: that's stupid"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: "Edward80: Well, its not one word, and not quite two" "TomServo0: get off the fence, ed!"
TomServo0: the intelligencia needs you now
jeff80: you're really bored, aren't you?
TomServo0: "Edward80: Okay, one word. that is my opinion" "TomServo0: YES! i win!"
jeff80: i'm still saying 2 words
TomServo0: geez, and you're an english major
TomServo0: EVERYBODY knows a contraction is one word
TomServo0: unless they're less than three minutes apart, then they are about to be 2
jeff80: ?
jeff80: i just gave ed the ultimate defense of 2 words
TomServo0: send it over
jeff80: "Edward80: I say one, because there is no space or gap between the two words
jeff80: but the apostrophe says that a space exists, unlike a compound word, where the words blend together
Edward80: good point jeff80: plus, there are no apostrophes when you play scrabble!"
TomServo0: ah, jeff, how many words are in this sentence: "Bob's car is red."
jeff80: that's a possessive
jeff80: completely different
TomServo0: it's an apostrophe
jeff80: but it does't denote that something's missing
TomServo0: in a contraction, yes. but it creates an entirely new word while still referring to a phrase
jeff80: no
jeff80: what's the difference between Dr. and doctor
TomServo0: what if they'd decided to spell "Dr." "D'r"?
TomServo0: (that's a red herring)
jeff80: yeah - i know
TomServo0: Dr. and doctor are two different words that mean almost the same thing
TomServo0: and one can't be used in scrabble, but so what?
jeff80: what is the point of this conversation, anyhow?
TomServo0: to discuss the 2 word proposition!
TomServo0: and NOW, because i'm winning the argument, you're clintoning out!
jeff80: no - because i never was really involved fully - since i'm working on important stuff
TomServo0: mmhmm
TomServo0: this will probably go in the next fredline news
TomServo0: speaking of important stuff

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 26 August 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FREDLINE NEWS PUBLISHED

Always late but always timely, FREDLINE NEWS is the official electronic publication for Amish Country. E-mail ezekiel@horsenbuggy.com for more details. We are probably a subsidiary of AOL Time Warner. If this is already too painful, reply to this address, type "unsubscribe," and demand a refund. Past issues are found in an old shoebox at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. All rights reserved. All lefts righted. All wrongs reversed. All right all ready.

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NEW YORK CITY RE-ENACTS R.E.M. VIDEO

Residents throughout the tri-state area recently got the chance to participate in what will be remembered by the Guinness Book of World Records as the "World's Largest Re-enactment of a Music Video." Hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers hit the streets simultaneously to perform the end scene of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts."

The New York Municipal Power Authority cooperated by diverting all of the city's power grid to be used by local, national and international media agencies to film the event for posterity.

"I can't believe it," re-enacted one anchorwoman as she viewed helicopter shots of gridlocked cars being passed by legions of streetwalking pedestrians. She continued with the video's dialogue. "They all just . . . got out and walked! [gasps] This is . . . unbelievable."

Mayor Bloomberg's office is considering more mass re-enactments to bring much-need tourism to the area. The last major intra-city performance--a staging of the Will Smith action vehicle "Independence Day"--in the autumn of 2001 brought rave reviews.


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Beautiful Russian Women Are Looking For Love!
You can find them right here.

The Russian women likes to look pretty.
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Don't spend another day alone, you can browse through our database of pictures and bio's of beautiful Russian women looking for a western man just like you!
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DESIGNATED DRIVER FALLS ASLEEP AT WHEEL

Buffalo--Francis Shrode, 23 hit the broad side of a barn last Saturday night after falling asleep at the wheel. There were two passengers in the car at the time of the accident, police reported. The passengers, Sharon Gaulle and Jonah Fergis, also of Buffalo, possessed an above-average blood alcohol content.

According to the police, Francis, the designated driver, was extremely fatigued after a long night of drinking at a local bar, in which he did not participate. Witnesses at the bar reported a loser matching Francis' description "drowning" himself in ginger ale and, as one patron remembered, "sucking down bowls of free peanuts like an elephant with an eating disorder" until last call at 4:00 a.m.

Because Shrode was not drunk when the accident occurred, his injuries were much more serious. Gaulle and Fergis suffered minor scrapes and bruises, while Shrode received a minor concussion, a broken hand, and a bruised ego because he was the dumb one out of a group of three drunks, and he wasn't even drunk.

Al Sharpton, always having something to say, had something to say. "Anybody in their right mind would pull over if they were tired. They would AT LEAST try to hail a cab! Sharpton is currently at 3% in Presidential election polls, with a margin of error at plus or minus 3%.



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Linda Stouffer, FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month for May 2003, had her baby boy. On May 8, just before Mother's Day, little Wyatt Russell Strassman was born to Ms. Stouffer and her husband, CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassman. Ms. Stouffer just recently returned to her anchoring job at CNN Headline News. What tenacity, coming back after only three months! For this Ms. Stouffer has been awarded FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the month for August as well. Congratulations again!

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EDITORIAL NOTE

On a truly sad note, Wesley Willis died last week at age 40. For those of you who don't know, Wesley was an artist and musician from Chicago. Though born into poverty, abused as a child, schizophrenic, mentally slow, obese, and the victim of violent attacks, he went through live happy and more importantly, made countless others happy with him. His songs were both vicious and redeeming at the same time. I and several of you have met and talked to him at least once and it was always great to see him again, with a smile on his face, ready to "rah" and "ro" with his countless fans all over the world. Wesley died from heart complications after being diagnosed with leukemia and undergoing an operation for internal bleeding this year. Find out more about him at his label's website at www.alternativetentacles.com.

Rock over London
Rock on Chicago

FREDLINE NEWS for Saturday, 26 July 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: NOT ANOTHER ONE OF THESE THINGS

If you do not want these anymore, please reply and say so. Please use "please" when doing so, because your mother taught you manners. You can use the old E-mails to line the cage of your Tamogatchi pet. I think that's how it's spelled. For anyone that likes to see the same thing in two different formats (e.g. Betamax, for example) it is posted on pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius.

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DRINK MORE OVALTINE
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FREDLINE SPORTS: INJURY HAMPERS ENGLISH MAJOR'S CHANCES OF MAKING NFL DRAFT

Terre Haute, IN: It could take several weeks of rehab, but the repercussions of last Tuesday's fall during an afternoon run could put Jeffrey Grose out of the running for the next NFL Draft.

Grose, a graduate student at Indiana State University, wanted to be eligible for the NFL Draft hoping to be drafted by the nearby Indianapolis Colts.

"Yeah, I've been limping around a little, so I'll have to stop running for a while. I think I pulled something," the dejected athlete remarked. "Maybe next year."

Grose runs several times a week, depending on his study schedule and weather conditions. Though never playing in professional or collegiate sports, he was a member of several intramural football teams and played countless 1-on-1 basketball games with his younger brother. Once last November Grose remarked that it would "be really cool if I got drafted in the last rounds of the [NFL] Draft. Dude I'd be rich." Though expressing at numerous occations that NFL players are overpaid babies, sources close to Grosse have hinted that a large NFL salary would not hinder his decision to enter the league.

The Colts front office was unavailable for comment.
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FREDLINE NEWS WORLD TOUR

The FREDLINE NEWS staff will be in the Czech Republic for the next 2-3 weeks, doing--of course--The Lord's Work. Though there are unknown hazards ahead, one thing is certain: we here at FREDLINE NEWS are prepared for the threat of terrorism, whether here or abroad.

As per recent comments by President George "Wuh?" Bush taunting would-be terrorists to "come and get us" [That's a paraphrase. We don't do a lot of fact-checking], we offer those same terrorists the following scenario:

--You (the terrorist) tries to hijack our international flight to Frankfurt
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) goes Passenger 57 on your hiney.
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) become national heroes, appearing on Letterman (NOT Leno, unless he offers more $$), Charlie Rose, and of course Larry King.
--During the call-in session at Larry King, the recently-returned-home Jessica Lynch rings me up to applaud our bravery in the face of impending doom.
--We reply, with a sly grin and a wink, "Hey, you're not so bad yourself."
--We (our staff, and Jessica Lynch) chat for a while about being heroes, the weather in West Virginia, etc.
--We get digits.
--Awesome.

Admit it, she is kind of cute.


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To those of you looking for a DIFFERENT news source, that we here at EDLINE NEWS cut through the crap (FR) and get straight to the point (ED). It's just staight News here at EDLINE. As our motto states: "We report We decide." EDLINE NEWS: Ed's opinion for you.

pub72.ezboard.com/fpubliu...D=52.topic
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EDITORIAL NOTE

We here at FREDLINE NEWS would just like to answer a few of the bogus claims being knocked around by the upstart media rival known as EDLINE NEWS. As their press release claims, the staff of FREDLINE NEWS has done everything from being "politically biased, and unfair," to having connections with the government of Saudi Arabia, Ashley Judd, and a Russian bride smuggling ring.

All of these accuations are complete fabrications, or as we call them in the journalism business, "horsehockey." Nay, ED is a pucking liar. Though the ongoing relationship between a member of the FREDLINE NEWS staff and actress Ashley Judd is verifiable and a private matter, everything else is purely and utterly untrue.

We challenge the staff of EDLINE NEWS to corroborate their insinuations. We also match your four insinuations and rise you one more. That's right, we here at FREDLINE NEWS have found ample evidence to prove that ED is EVIL. One look at the following website should explain everything.

asgard.drakhar.com:8080/a...eviled.jpg


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Our News Anchorette of the Month for July is Baghdad Bob. He's not exactly a woman or a newsperson, but we all love him dearly. Be sure to check out his new movie at www.baghdadbobdvd.com.


Toodles.

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 15 July 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: LEGAL STUFF SHOULD BE AT THE END

If this is in your Inbox: Just so I don't get sued by the FCC people, remember that at one time you gave a guy named Fred your E-mail address, and lucky you, "You've Got Mail!" You can reply to this letter with an "Unsubscribe Me/Stop The Insanity" message. This is also one of those things you can FWD around if you really enjoy it, or go to pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius if you'd like to read back issues.


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AMERI-POS: BE THAT OLD GUY IN THE COMMERCIALS!

Hey, you know those commericals with the guy that buys that Internet Station thingy that probably cost him like $20,000? And every day he goes to it, opens it up, and WOW there's, like, TWENTY bucks worth of $1 bills inside? And that
makes him rich somehow? THAT COULD BE YOU! We here at Ameri-POS have told you for two years now that other people are going to take all the good spots at malls and airports. It's an amazing coincidence that there are spots still left NEAR YOU!

"I want the American Dream, and I want it now!" --Woman from commercial, who forgot the struggle of her immigrant forefathers
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FREDLINE NEWS: REBELLIOUS CASHIER FEARS FOR WELL-BEING

So this lady walks into the store and wants to buy some coffee. She reaches into her pocket, and somewhere between all the Casino Niagara tokens she finds $1.50 in Canadian money and hands it to me. So I tell her I can't take Canadian money unless she wants to pay the exchange rate, and suddenly I've infringed on her rights as an American. "What do you mean?! Everyone does it!!," to which I reply that yes, they do, in Canada. Now she must See a Manager Immediately. That means I have to go find the manager, who really does have better things to do, and explain why this woman has to interrupt TWO people that don't care two cents for her $1.50 coffee. Then the manager has to do the Happy Customer Dance until the problem goes away.

When I came back, the woman was on the other side of the room, filling up a coffee cup she'd stolen from behind the register. She sees me. "Changed your mind, huh?" So I flip her off. She wasn't very happy.

That night, and for the next day or so, my middle finger became a badge of honor. For the few people at work that I told (you have to be careful what gets out) it helped relieve some work tension. It was a fun little story to tell friends and family. ("And then I did THIS, Mom!") But then the thoughts started creeping in. What if I've gone on a power trip, and start telling off customers every day? More importantly, what if she comes back? With her larger, angrier boyfriend? Uh-oh. I had to watch my back. This is what I get for not loving my neighboUr!

Next week, she did come back, and her boyfriend/husband/brother was there, too. It was a particularly busy lunch period, so it was easy to pretend I didn't recognize her and look occupied. As I said "Thanks" to her as I did any other customer, she responded with a noticeably sharp "Thank YOU!!" in return.

So my fears were not entirely baseless. In conclusion, don't flip people off, unless you know them personally. You never know when they'll show up again. And they'll show up with their mullet-headed, dumbfounded, trailer-hick redneck stringbean of a husband/brother/probably both to stare at you awkwardly for a couple minutes.

I hope she's not reading this.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FOUR HAIKU
(found amongst my notes from a conference last year)


Oh, the Renaissance.
Pictures and statues abound.
Italians do work!


Dr. McDonnell.
Stumbles, speaking, long pauses.
Weekend-old coffee.


Canadians here?
The vermin lift up their hands,
Gap-toothed from hockey.


Duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck GOOSE!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

"it would be sweet if you included links to pics of the newsanchor women of the month. its a pain in the neck to hunt these chicks down myself."

--Joe F., Buffalo


Joe, it's good to know you're hunting down chicks on the Internet! In June we declared the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month to be Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. You can see hot, steamy pictures of her sitting at a desk at www.framisdave.com/avemaria.htm. "Daniel J." who runs the site, also wrote a wonderful dedication poem named "Ave Maria." Thanks for writing, Joe! You're creepy.

Stay tuned for the next issue, when we crown the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of July and expose the unheard-of evils of our rival publication, EDLINE NEWS.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LONG INTERNET CONVERSATION
(You can stop reading now)


TomServo0: guess who driving to chicago with me and my brother?
roi058: joe
roi058: lenny
roi058: hannah
roi058: micah
roi058: jerry
roi058: tony
roi058: richard
roi058: mustaffa
roi058: duffy
roi058: derrick
roi058: dosteovesky
roi058: thoreau
roi058: dr. butler
roi058: gerri pawalek
roi058: damien
roi058: some of joe's HIV friendster hoes
roi058: michael jackson
roi058: drew bledsoe
roi058: dave
roi058: dave
roi058: dave's dad
roi058: richard allen
roi058: osama bin laden
roi058: saddam huissein
roi058: tommy franks
roi058: wesley clark
roi058: howard dean
roi058: george bush, senior
roi058: jeb
roi058: jethro tull
roi058: john mccenroe
roi058: tom arnold
roi058: david letterman
roi058: an elephant trainer
roi058: a lion tamer
roi058: a real estate agent
roi058: a tops manager
roi058: susie liddle
roi058: mary echter
roi058: mike lauria
roi058: jack kerouac's ashes
roi058: tim allen
roi058: dick van dyke
roi058: a motorcycle dyke
roi058: beck
roi058: lisa loeb
roi058: danko jones
TomServo0: warmer
roi058: david guterson
roi058: tim o'brien
roi058: ani difranco
roi058: natalie merchant
roi058: bjork
roi058: mick cochrane
roi058: father cooke
roi058: joe's grandma
roi058: thurman thomas
roi058: hillary clinton
roi058: an antelope herder
roi058: jesus christ
roi058: your mom
roi058: dr. rosenbloom
roi058: dr. jones
roi058: pete martin
roi058: catherine sicoli
roi058: dr. d'amico
roi058: jack kevorikian
roi058: bernard slepian's widow
TomServo0: should i just tell you, or are you having too much fun?
roi058: zack
roi058: mario lopez
roi058: steve irwin
roi058: bob graham
roi058: tim russert
roi058: charity vogel
roi058: megan herbeck
roi058: give me 5 more guesses........................
roi058: james lipton
roi058: charlie rose
roi058: oprah
roi058: kevin o'connell
roi058: jane cary
roi058: ok, you can tell me
TomServo0: mike slagor
roi058: i was so close
TomServo0: how you missed that is beyond me
TomServo0: i think you just re-took the 2000 census
roi058: i wanted to name 5 million people
roi058: but i don't really have the time
roi058: al sharpton, al gore, alphonse d'amato, alec baldwin...
roi058: brett boone, barry bonds, barry bostwick, bernie kosar, and bump Andgo
roi058: corbin lacina, jimmy carter, catcher in the ryle, toni morrison, and ray romano
roi058: bob evans, jimmy dean, kenny rogers, bob dylan, and michael moore
roi058: michael douglass, michael richards, richard michaels, al michaels, and dick n. anus
roi058: apricot, orange, cherry, banana, tomato, grape, and apple
roi058: lemon, lime, peach, pear, and cranberry
roi058: ibm, dell, gateway, apple, toshiba, hp, sony, compaq, winbook
roi058: jazz, soft rock, adult contemporary . . . .

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 17 June 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FREDLINE NEWS UPDATED.

Welcome to another mildly interesting editon of FREDLINE NEWS. If you'd rather

prefer to read TV Guide or some other comparable media, please reply and

request an unsubscription. This issue will also be posted at ub72.

ezboard.com/bpublius just in case it gives your computer a virus and you lose

the file.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FRIENDSTER!

The new trend: Pretend friends! Join Friendster.com today and hook up with new

friends, old friends, red friends, blue friends! Try the address that came

with this E-mail, and find out what true friendship is all about: sporadic E-

mails and grainy thumbnail pics!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

FREDLINE NEWS: MAN LOSES FAITH IN HUMANITY

(Erie County, USA) A surprising turn of events took place at a Burger King on

the I-90 last Sunday when a summer worker, known only by the "FRED" on his

nametag, lost faith in human kind. The conclusion came about after the

hamburger grill broke, meaning "FRED" had to explain that burgers were not for

sale.

"I made signs that said, 'NO BURGERS - GRILL BROKEN'" commented "FRED." What

more did I need to do? Is everyone dumb?"

It is estimated that 1 in 2 customers had receive a personal explanation of

what the signs meant, while 1 in 5 needed to learn that the "Whopper" was a

kind of burger and hence unavailable. Also, 1 in 8 pointed to the signs and

asked "Does that mean there are no burgers?"

After two hours, "FRED" got really frustrated. "After two hours I got really

frustrated," he recalled, "so I made MORE signs. I even drew big X's on sheets

of paper and put them over the pictures of all the food on the menu. Do you

think that helped? NO!"

Justifiably so, many customers were also quite upset at the situation. One

became visibly angry. "What do you mean there are no burgers?!" the woman

yelled before she stomped away. "I've been waiting in line for 20 minutes!

The LEAST you could do is put up a sign!"

In an unrelated story, "FRED" is continuing to tell himself he has a career

future outside of Burger King and is only working there to help pay for

college.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INFLATIBLE CHURCH! INFLATABLE CHURCH!

Need a church on the go? Wish you didn't have to go to church, and had the

church come to YOU? Try the new Inflatable Church at inflatablechurch.com!

Finally, blowing up a church is a GOOD thing!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART ONE

From the employee bulletin board at Burger King:

"Lets remember why we are all here; we need money to live, and we need to have

a job to earn that money. We are here out of basic necessity. Let's make the

best of the situation. We are all here by choice no one is forcing us to be

here. Why don't we stop worrying about what we can't change? Let's not worry

about everyone else, lets concentrate on our selves and how we can do the best

work we can do to earn that money that is letting us survive. In the scheme of

things let's be glad that we are surviving. Let's all make the best of our

work environment. Let's be happy to be here each day. And be glad that the

others are able to be here too.

Going into summer lets decide to make it a good one, and remember to be happy,

it doesn't do any good to be sad or mad, be glad." [sic]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES

It's a new month, and you know what that means: the *NEW* FREDLINE NEWS

Anchorette Centerfold for June is Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. And why not? Not

only is our dear Maria a bright shining face in a sea of middle-aged, balding

male financial experts, she's also a Rock Chick! Fun fact: Joey Ramone wrote a

song about her on his last solo album. Look it up!

"One of my hobbies is the stock market," Ramone said in March 1999. His

fascination at the time was a daily financial analysis program on cable station

CNBC.

"I watch this show Squawk Box every morning, and they have this host named

Maria [Bartiromo] who is really hot and feisty," Ramone said. "When I stopped

drinking, I started getting into the stock market because it's sort of like a

mosh pit down there."

A demo of the song mixes the British Invasion sound of the Who's early material

with a touch of the Ramones' career-long fascination with Motown girl groups.

"I watch her every day/ I watch her every night/ She's really out of sight/

Maria Bartiromo," Ramone sings.

Hey Maria, you can ring MY "opening bell" any day! Also, it's good we found a

new Anchorette Centerfold because the one for May--Linda Stouffer of Headline News--gave

birth a couple weeks ago and will be on maternity leave for a while. Honest,

it's not mine. Congrats Linda, and congrats Maria! We just want to say Good

Luck, and We're all counting on you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART TWO

"I don't think the system is 100% effective; I mean, it can't as long as the

human element is involved." --Jury Duty orientation video, City of Buffalo

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 27 May 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: SPECIAL DAVE EDITION

After a recent Spring Cleaning I found myself with a pile of unpublished manuscripts from former roommate and current poet laureate of Blasdell, New York, Mr. David Hill. A short sample of the collection is posted below, including rough language, poor grammar, and, in some cases, newly invented words. (The typos are his as well.) This may be interesting to no one but myself. If you are not myself, you may unsubscribe by replying to this address? Ready? The rest of this E-mail will look like Picasso with dysentery.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
UNTITLED

DMX, you think you're the shiznoid.
I eat popcorn like it's my void.
All you suckers, wanna piece of the game?
I got sumpi9n' thatchya just can't name.
John Popper
Born in Asia Proper.
Thought it was Rash Hashana
Fired up the grill + ate
a Kilbasa.
A1 Steak sauce,
endorsed by Boss.
A - B's + C's, can't fite
the rex n'FX attack.
Extrapolate, cuz Wendy's
is in the house. Dave
Thomas farted out the
word mouse.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


ART HISTORY REFLECTION PAPER (NOT SUBMITTED)

David Hill
Modern Art
Prof. Marie Vahue
March 28, 2000

Albright-Knox Art Gallery Visit

On Thursday, March 9th, we visited the Albright-Knox Art Gallery in Buffalo. It was totally gay. The gift shop had a plethora of stupid crap I didn't want to buy, except the checkout girl was kind of old so I kept laughing at her flapping jowels. That was pretty cool. I was going to go up to her and say, "Ooh! Live chicken!" but I got scared when somebody set off the store alarm by mistake and then I turned around real fast and ran away. The snack bar was too expensive. Like five dollars for a stupid little sandwich. Screw that, I'd rather eat a stool. And I don't mean a barstool, either!
Oh well. ONe of the most memorable parts of our visitation was this paining called "Venus." It was the bomb because you could see her boobs. Her butt, too. She was laying down on a big clam shell or something, and it looked pretty windy out where she was because her hair was flowing all over the place. It reminded me of the famous hockey movie Youngblood, where the new star hockey player does it with that chick, and then she's lying down and you see her boobs. Yeah. Boobs are cool. Huh huh huh.
In retrospect, our visit to the Albright-Knox Art Gallery was full of magic wonderment, and ferocious gaiety. I would most definitely recommend that anyone who like old flappy-jowl ladies or movies with gratuitous tittie shots to run, not walk, to the Gallery, jog up the stairs, raise their arms like Rocky Balboa, and say "Ow! My cramp!" Thank you for reading, and remember that Tops never stops...saving you more. PEACE!



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
BEAUTIFUL GIRL

Beautiful Girl
Around the world
Kiss the girl
She is your pearl
Mama's girl
Went to Rome
to find a home
He loves here so
but she had to go
What a @#%$ ho.
If she only knew
What he went threw
Her panties were blue
He kept them in his hope chest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


NOTES INSIDE A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM A POET NAMED CAREY MARTIN:

Happy Birthday Freddo! I hope u like this card!
Im just peturbed that that Carey Martin biatch
said everything i waited so long to tell you.

Because this Ms. Martin girl, the card 'poet' we'll call her,
stole the words from my mouth, I will write you a better poem
here:
Fred, from the first day I saw you,
you reminded me of a ball--a happy
wrinkly, wrily grimy ball.
You've always got your wits about you,
Much like a ball has that sort of not quite rectangular
but not quite cylinder shape to it.
Like a ripple in the water,
You have gently touched my life and,
I just thought you would appreciated a birthday card on
your birthday.
so, there you have it, I've said what's on my mind,
and now I'm feelin fine, but baby, baby i'll be rootin
for ya. So have a happy one you party that rocks the house
that rocks the bottle or whatever the saying goes!

--Dave Jammers


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
GOLDEN HEART, PURPLE HAWK


Golden heart, purple hawk

He was known to stalk, while writing poems.

He lost his way, yesterday, his best friend turned gay.

Who's that, down your pants, hands off, watch the boys.

He watches Dirty Dancing, with his mouth on the warm pot pie.

Can't find work so for now he dances, the Patrick Swayze that never was.

What might have been, if not for the bike with no seat. Should have listened to mom, safety first, and now he will never be able to enjoy the hard candy he once loved oh so very much.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


NOTE LEFT JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK:

I feel that it is imperative that I leave you all, in an ever so early fashion, not with fading memories of scant wisdom and keen comrogany, but instead with a sense of accomplishment.

As such, let me reflect on what we have all learned this semester:

1) 1+1=2, unless you're seeing other people
2) soup tastes better hot
3) mashed potatoes taste better when spelled w/out the "e"
4) in one fell swoop, all the love of anal sex one can possibly have comes crashing down in a whimper of laconic, prosaic poetic pain.
5) No goodbye; there's only bj's.
Be proud and be merry; be puttered.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Professor Dr. David J. Hill's Course Schedule, Fall 2002:

*Representations of Jewish Thought and Practice in the Baked Goods Industry
*Exquisite Moments in the 1956 NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament
*Inculcating Basted Turkeys into Spying for the Administration
*Constructive Uses of Taco Bell Management Strategies
*Paltry Practices as Predictors of the Puff Pastry Pastime in Monolithic Islam (Part I)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


EDITOR'S NOTES

Though I do not know if I can attribute it to Dave, I also found an old envelope with my address filled out in the corner and another full address in the middle. Apparently someone wanted to dive the impression that I had written a personal letter. The writing said as follows:

The Gay Pride Association of America
1 Commerce Plaza
Washington, D.C. 10014-40219

Membership fees enclosed

A drawing of "Ace" and "Gary" could be found on the back, also known as The Ambiguously Gay Duo. I think we can end on that note.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Fred, what do ya say...wanna be a Rastafarian? --Dave!!

[from a Post-It Note]


[Nota Bene 6/19/04: Some of these later revealed to be by Joe Ferguson and Jeff Gross. Props.]

FREDLINE NEWS for Monday, 19 May 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: DATE UPDATED

People seemed to like the first issue so I put together another one. Please feel free to ask me off the list if clicking "Erase" is not personal enough for you. Or if you want less contact with others, you can ask me to forward these things to your friends for you. Speaking of bad ideas, the first issue declared it was Wednesday, 6 May 2003. Funny, 6 May was a Tuesday. My sincere apologies to the Julian calendar. I will also post a copy of this on my weblog at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius just for shiggs and gitles.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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*Russian women see American men as kind, sensitive, respectful, understanding, compassionate and dependable. Many American women take these qualities in American men for granted. However, because of what Russian women are used to, they will never take these qualities for granted. These qualities make American men very appealing to Russian women.

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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


FREDLINE NEWS SPECIAL REPORT: MASSIVE DIG UNCOVERS OLD SKELETONS, MAGAZINES

(Roto-Reuters) Newstead - Forty miles from the border - Ghastly remains of the past were unearthed again this morning. For hours, Fred painstakingly went through shallow layers of debris in the hopes of finding something of value--anything--that he could salvage from his bedroom. The area has been sealed off and is being treated as a mass garbage pit by US troops, who are sending experts to try to identify the remains.

Experts estimate that about eighteen boxes of materials, ranging from old clothes to souvenirs, newspaper clippings and important documents, were discovered on the site. Investigators believe the materials were buried relatively recently, but some items were put there as long ago as 1998, when Clinton's regime controlled much of the region.

Several catalogues of faded photographs, presumably of dead or missing relatives and friends, were also found. Most of the surrounding items appeared to have suffered from indescriminate pack-ratting.

Though some of the older remains were too old to be fully distinguishable, officials hope to piece together the last five years. "I am afraid this may be the first of many of these depositories," rightly said Fred. "There are tens of thousands of items unaccounted for in the southern section of this room."

A tiny, poorly lit cell was also discovered nearby, with metal hooks dangling from the ceiling. Although much of the complex was dilapidated, there were suggestions Fred had lived out of it until recently, with new shirts found still hanging inside.

Many of the remains on display Monday showed signs of physical trauma. Some still had faded tape tied around binder pockets and singular, unmatched socks smelled of decaying feet. Several books had large dog-ears on one side or had covers bent far back. In each open cardboard box, awards and certificates were carefully wrapped in white cloth, surrounded by scraps of receipts, bits of strings and dust bunnies.

The visible evidence of effluent cleansing drove a number of family members to wailing. "Do you see this?" a red-eyed Jerry S., 51, demanded angrily. Jerry was looking for a NordicTrack that disappeared from his house in 1999. "This is the face of chaos."


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


FREDLINE NEWS: CULT FETISH THREATENS CUTENESS OF NOVICE JOURNALISTIC ENDEAVOR

So I was thinking of some new stuff to put in this E-mail; something that sounded extremely serious. Then it occured to me: what if we had a News Anchor Babe of the Month! I went to the CNN Headline News website to see if I could get some names and profiles. Congratulations, Linda Stouffer! You're our first Anchor Babe! You can find out more about her at www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_r...inda.html.

But here's the rub. I decided to do some more searching to see if I could write up a funny article about Ms. Stouffer, and it got a little scary. Apparently there are a small number of people in this country that watch television news because, and pardon the pun, it turns them on. There are entire web pages devoted to female anchors that look a lot like porn sites. You can find one of these at dcwi.com/~dave/newsbabes.html. The only real difference is that the "fan pages" have pictures of fully clothed women in a sitting position. The anchors don't move from their seat, but you can find some hot, steamy pics of Ms. Stouffer smiling, smirking, talking, not talking, and blinking!

Check out Linda Stouffer, News Babe of the Month, at www.geocities.com/kryst0ph/lscnn.html. As the author of one post noted (yes, you can find a message board as well), "Linda Stouffer is the absolute most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She's classy, stylish, mysterious and competent. Not since I was a little boy have I found myself sitting so close to the TV when she's on. Having my coffee and watching her in the morning almost gives me a heart attack." Well hello, nurse!


FREDLINE FINANCIAL: CANDYBAR ALTERNATIVES

From our Indiana office comes another goldmine profit opportunity:

"To encourage you in your fundraising. I have completed my fundraising in a unique way. I put a flyer in our church bulletin asking for our members to consider donating their used “white elephant” household items to me so I could put them on EBay. One of the craziest items I got was several boxes of Colostomy Bags. The father of one of our members had a temporary colostomy and was “re-plumbed” and had leftovers. God provided over $100 for them on EBay!!"

The Internet is a blessed thing. Just think if he had to sell those door to door...


FREDLINE LIFESTYLES

Our Out-of-Context Quotes of the Week:

"Today's tip: Did you know writing in ALL CAPS is considered shouting?" --Yahoo.com

"I'm dont like pb&j how about fluffernutter! We will smell fresh and clean!" --Dawn, New York, New York

"Fred-there are a lot of pictures of frogs here, but not that many live ones " --Carrie, London, England

"I don't know how much more of this I can stand!!! Just discovered yet ANOTHER Byzantine Emperor in my background! WHATAMIGONNADOOOOOOOOOO???? Learn Greek, I guess!" --Don't Know, Don't Want to Know

"and ofcourse I love praising God and eating moms beefs stew!" --Some friend of the previous guy


EDITOR'S NOTES

I'd hate to end this on an honest note but this is important. Are you like me, constantly flipping off the newsman because you think he's full of uninformative, jingoist crap? Do you hate hearing the same five songs on the radio, fifteen times a day, for three months? Do you despise having to pay hidden "convenience fees" when buying concert tickets online? Are you not against political parties but can't stand partisanism? It's all interconnected. In the name of bigger profits, media conglomerates are gouging our wallets, straining journalistic integrity and erasing our culture. I'll let the MoveOn organization explain further:


"On June 2, the Federal Communications Commission is planning on authorizing sweeping changes to the American news media. The rule changes could allow your local TV stations, newspaper, radio stations, and cable provider to all be owned by one company. NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox could have the same corporate parent. The resulting concentration of ownership could be deeply destructive to our democracy.

"After the FCC and Congress relaxed radio ownership rules, corporate giant Clear Channel Communications swept in and bought hundreds of stations. Clear Channel has used its might to support pro-war political rallies and conservative talk shows, keep anti-war songs off its stations, coerce musicians into playing free promotional concerts, and bully them into performing at its music venues. In many towns that used to have a diverse array of radio options, Clear Channel is now the only thing on the dial.

"When we talk to Congresspeople about this issue, their response is usually the same: "We only hear from media lobbyists on this. It seems like my constituents aren't very concerned with this issue." A few thousand emails could permanently change that perception. Please join us in asking Congress and the FCC to fight media deregulation at:

"www.moveon.org/stopthefcc...lrrKCActw"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Have a ball and a biscuit -F

FREDLINE NEWS for Wednesday, 6 May 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FIRST EVER FREDLINE NEWS

And possibly the last, but let's see how it works out. I might do this once a week or so. If you don't want these E-mails, just Reply and say "Unsubscribe" or "You're A Horrible Person" or something similar. I used to make a weblog, so I'll just post this there instead. It's at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius in case you're interested. Hey, if this is the first issue, it's not an update it's not an update, is it? Huh.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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FREDLINE NEWS: MY CAT IS DISGUSTING

One night I came home and like usual, my cat followed me in. We have two cats, actually. One is black and white, and stupid. His name is Billy but we usually just call him Stupid. The one I let in is named Kramer, and he's pretty cool. But he's gross. So I started walking to the living room when I almost trip over Kramer, who's hunched down on the ground, refusing to move. It looked like he was trying to trap something. I stood back to get a good view and found the cat with half a mouse in his mouth, and the other half (the part with the tail) hanging out. The first thing I thought was "Why did he bring that inside?" Then the cat, with the mouse still in its mouth, whipped his head up real fast so the mouse flew like 10 feet in the air before landing on a chair in the dining room. The cat ran to pounce on it, and with the body between its teeth did one of those things that dogs do where they eat meat by shaking their head and growling. But the cat didn't eat it yet, it still wanted to play. (To which my second thought was, "Why doesn't he just eat it?") Then he body-slammed the mouse back on the floor again. I went outside to find a shovel to get rid of the mouse, not to bury it, but to find something to pick it up that had a long pole attached to it. When I came back to the house the cat was still going ape wild over this mouse, which upon further inspection was still alive, heart beating a mile a minute, with three giant holes in its underside and too scared to move. I got it on the shovel, walked outside, and catapulted it away.

For the rest of the night Kramer stood on his hind legs against the screen door, meowing to go outside. I knew what he was up to. And he kept looking back at me like "I have to go outside, and uh, do some stuff. I mean really, REALLY have to go outside now. It's important Cat Stuff, you wouldn't understand." Yeah right, Kramer. Now be a good cat and lick my dinner plate clean....On second thought, don't this time.


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Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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FREDLINE NEWS: FRED GETS FREE QUR'AN, NO SERIOUS INJURIES

Today at 4:30 PM EST the FREDLINE NEWS offices received a package from the Royal Embassy of Saudi Arabia's Islamic Affairs. It had Arab writing on the box and everything. Knowing exactly what it was, our Senior Editor opened it, much to the dismay of Jerry, one of our Copy Editors. Questions raised ranged from "What's that?" to "Are you sure it's not a bomb?" FREDLINE NEWS would also like to report that they expected some cheap paperback copy of the Qur'an but this is a really nice hardcover, and that you can request free copies from www.iad.org. When asked about the book, our Senior Editor replied that "free stuff" is always good and reminisced about the Good Ol' Days when you spelled Qur'an with a K.


FREDLINE LIFESTYLES

The following is a true story by a "Jamie K." who submitted this story to the "UB Embarrassed" contest for the University at Buffalo's "Visions" newsletter:

"I have a serious gastric problem, so whenever I can't hold it back I try to make a joke like "pull my finger" or something. One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went in to my room to get dressed. My girlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to fart I said, "this is how much I love you" and at the same time I dropped a BIG surprise on the floor. It surprised me as much as her. I looked at my girl who had a look of horror on her face and my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe I had just took a dump on the floor in front of my girlfriend. I screamed to her "don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers. We broke up later that day and I haven't heard from her since."


FREDLINE WORD OF THE DAY: "FERGUSONIAN"

fur*GOO*so*Nee*enne

The act of offering advice without adequate life experience to back it up. Example:

"Joe": Fred. Listen. Listen to me for a second. This is what women want:
"Fred": How do you know what women want?
"Joe": I don't. But hear me out here...
"Fred": Why, are you a woman?
"Joe": Shut up.
"Fred": "Joe," sometimes you're so...Fergusonian...



EDITOR'S NOTES

Go ahead and forward this if you're bored. If anyone else wants this they can also E-mail me.



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FREDLINE NEWS EXTRA: WORLD CELEBRATES FRED'S BIRTHDAY

Fred's Birthday's Highlights in History
On April 25, 1792, highwayman Nicolas Jacques Pelletier became the first person under French law to be executed by the guillotine.
In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.
In 1898, the United States formally declared war on Spain.
In 1901, New York became the first state to require automobile license plates; the fee was $1.
In 1945, during World War II, U.S. and Soviet forces linked up on the Elbe River, a meeting that dramatized the collapse of Nazi Germany's defenses.
In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
In 1959, the St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping.
In 1983, Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith to visit his country after receiving a letter in which the Manchester, Maine, schoolgirl expressed fears about nuclear war.
In 1983, the ``Pioneer Ten'' spacecraft crossed Pluto's orbit, speeding on its endless voyage through the Milky Way.
In 1990, Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua, ending eleven years of leftist Sandinista rule.
In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope was deployed from the space shuttle Discovery.
Ten years ago: Hundreds of thousands of gay rights activists and their supporters marched in Washington D.C., demanding equal rights and freedom from discrimination. Voters in Russia participated in a referendum, giving President Boris N. Yeltsin a sturdy vote of confidence.
Five years ago: Whitewater prosecutors questioned first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on videotape about her work as a private lawyer for the failed savings and loan at the center of the investigation.
One year ago: President Bush hosted Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at his Texas ranch for a day of talks. The House voted 405-9 to abolish the embattled Immigration and Naturalization Service. Lisa ``Left Eye'' Lopes, the effervescent, sometimes volatile member of the Grammy-winning trio TLC, died in a car crash in Honduras; she was 30.

Today's Birthdays
Basketball Hall of Fame electee George ``Meadowlark'' Lemon is 71. Songwriter Jerry Leiber is 70. Actor Al Pacino is 63. Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 58. Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 58. Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers) is 53. Actor Hank Azaria ("Moe" from "The Simpsons") is 39. Rock singer Andy Bell (Erasure) is 39. Rock musician Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) is 38. Actress Renee Zellweger is 34.
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Oh No

I was thinking about my weblog, as I often do, and decided that I didn't want to do it anymore. It was fun enough, but then I got busier and more bored. I'm surprised people read the stupid thing, actually. Anyway, after this semester ends I think I'll start a newsletter-type E-mail thing instead. So rather than one post a day, I'll do a weekly something-or-other. Maybe I'll call it "Fredline News." Maybe I won't, so there! But in either case I will still post it here on my blog board after it goes out. If you want it, just send me your E-mail address, but chances are you're going to get one anyway. I can't think of any strangers that read these entries. So I'll conclude on that note...wait, no I won't. Friday is my birthday; everybody should give me gifts I don't deserve. I feel relieved already. Thanks for reading so far...

-ts0

CD: White Stripes, "Elephant"

I just wrote this in an E-mail to someone else, but it was a pretty good summary of my day:

"OK, so I went to UB because some friends and I bought tickets to a concert a long time ago and Joe was going to sell an extra one we had to someone he knows, and I had to bring him the extra ticket. I was going to use their library anyway to do homework, and be there all day. So I met him at Best Buy (we went to buy the new White Stripes album as well) and he says "Fred, my muffler fell off!" Sure enough, it was gone. So we buy our CDs, and Joe has to go to UB for a meeting, so we decide that he'll take the car to a garage later, and I'll take him home from there. After a couple of hours, he calls my cell phone from the parking lot (I knew it'd come in handy!) and says "Fred, your tire is flat." Sure enough, it was flat. So we decide to take off the tire, put it in Joe's car, and see if the garage can help us both out. It ends up being too late, so Joe tells the guy he'll leave the car there overnight, and we go looking for another tire place. We find one and give them the tire, and it happened to be across the street from Guitar Center so we paid my brother a visit at work. We also played on the keyboards. (Whee!) The tire place calls me on my cell phone (I knew it'd come in handy!) and says my tire is too messed up to get fixed. I call my father (handy!) and ask his advise; he says I should buy two tires for the car if the place is open long enough to put them on. We go back to UB to get my car, and too late, the place is closing. So we drop off Joe's car at the other garage, and we're hungry, so we go to Duff's. We both order the 20-wing Combo Meal that comes with a bowl of fries and a pitcher of pop. I eat all of mine and am very proud. Joe can only eat half of his, but somehow he makes fun of my accomplishments. The nerve! So then I drop him off, and here I am at Buff State, almost nine hours later than when I said I would start my homework, with one of those dinky little spare tires attached to my car. I'll probably be home around 3 AM."

CD: Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Chronicle"

Mmm...swearing. It seems that swearing is funnier when you don't say the words. On The Osbournes in Britain, nothing is censored out, and the ratings are lower. Maybe people just like to think harsh words but not hear them. I also think that TV networks, et cetera do not want to offend anyone, even though everybody has heard those words a million times before and it probably doesn't shock anyone anymore. Then you get people that like to swear but don't want to say the words, so they create banal substitutes. "Oh Sugar" is something my father says a lot. I'm still waiting for the day when he's actually talking about sugar: "Oh Sugar! I forgot to buy some sugar!" Something like that.

Maybe that's a bad example. I have a pastor that says "Oh Dog" in conversation. I think that's the worst, especially since he has a dog. I wonder what she thinks about being cursed with? Poor Pebbles.

CD: Frank Sinatra, "The Very Good Years"

Now my entire family is hooked on Subway subs. Today I had my fourth in a week. That's right! The delicious taste of Subway subs has come home. A new franchise opened up near my house ("near" is like six miles away over here) and my father decided to check it out. Now he can't get enough, and has already filled enough Sub Club cards to get a free sub and then some! Woo! Sometimes when my family is eating them at home people will just randomly say things like "I really like their choice of bread; it's great that they make it right in the store" and "it doesn't bog you down like regular subs; it fills you up without making you full!" as if they were that Jerod guy or something. So here's the deal, Subway: put us in your commercials as The Subway Family, watch your sales go through the roof, and then give us free subs for the rest of our days! Rock over London, rock on Chicago, Subway: eat fresh! Whee!

CD: Coldplay, "A Rush Of Blood To The Head"

I do wonder how many people in the news departments of America realize that something like "Operation: Iraqi Freedom" proves by its own name that its portrayal by the United States Government is propaganda at the very least. I don't know about you, but when the people of a nation really want to be liberated, shouldn't they do it themselves? Heck, even the French knew that. So why can't the Iraqis? Are they lazy? Or maybe it's something worse: they don't want to overtake Saddam Hussein. And if I may compare Iraq to the American and French Revolutions (and even the Bolshevik Revolution), when those countries were "liberated" they Stopped being controlled by foreign powers, not the opposite. Why should the United States do something that a people should earn for themselves? Bah!

CD: White Stripes, "White Stripes"

Bork. Borken ze bork? Papa oom pow pow, shimmy shimmy ya. De do do do, de da da da. Ooh la la, be bop a loola. Aloha oye. Hibbity Jibbity. Deyyyo. Dey ey ey o. Ooh ahh oh. Seebeegeebees. Oompa loompa doompity doo. Jibberwocky flim-flam. Wowie zowie. Eee-aye eee-aye oh. Schwing. Do do do-DO do do do-DO do DO do-do doot do do-do. Emm aye ess ess aye ess ess aye pee pee aye. Elememopy. Oh wee oh, we ohh-oh. I ran out of ideas for posts months ago. Why are you still reading?

Q: What is your idea of a perfect date?

A: "I'd have to say April 25th....Because it's not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!" --"Miss Congeniality"

CD: The Donnas, "Spend The Night"

Whilst bowling this night, I happened perchance to partake of a faulty bowling ball returning machine. For some reason the balls would not come back from the magical chute in the ground! So I've been thinking about it, and just what goes on begind those pins, anyway? I know Fred Flintstone had a pterydactyl (sp?) putting his day's work in, putting up carved-rock pins and making funny little comments, but what about today? And how do you keep score in a bowling game? How does 10 times 10 equal 100? One thing has never changed, and it is the definition of the bowling experience: Shoes. I'm going to call Calvin Klein and suggest a bowling clothes line--the untucked, shiny, button shirts, sure, but the multi-colored, pseudo-leather shoes are the epitome of retro fashion! It's like stepping your feet into 1978. If you could only wear them to interviews...

CD: Marvin Gaye, "What's Going On?"

What IS going on? For the fourth time in three weeks I have gotten lost at the University of Buffalo. Seeing how I've gone there sporadically for the past two years now for research purposes, wouldn't I know my way around by now? NOOOOO! What's up with that? The other day I drove around the campus, deftly maneuvering the I-290, the Millersport Highway, Niagara Falls Boulevard and some wierd private access road to make a beautiful circle ten miles in diameter. I wanted to go in a straight line! Argh! Today I had to be at a class in half an hour, and of course I drove out of a completely different exit that I went into and got lost, and late. How is that possible if I take the same road I came IN campus with and end up OUT of campus two streets away? And why haven't I bought a compass after all this time? Bork!!

CD: Guided By Voices, "Isolation Drills"

There is a bookcase in my room that is about six feet high...in parts. We found it one Christmas when the neighbors across the street threw it out. Covered with ice, we brought it upstairs. The wood is all bent up now, and it is probably getting worse because now it is loaded with a couple hundred books I don't read and another couple hundred records I don't listen to, not to mention the yearbooks I am ashamed to look at placed next to the stereo I can barely reach. Yet there it all sits. It's a monolith of furniture and an archives depository all at once. Now that it is full, what do I do with it? Should I go find more garbage as an add-on? should I buy Real bookshelves? Wait for an earthquake and see what's left? Good thing I don't really care.

CD: Weezer, "Weezer" [2001]

If I don't turn off the television, I end up watching the war for eight hours, and that just can't be healthy. The satellite dish gives me about eight differnet channels to watch...I got ABC, NBC, CBS, ITV, BBC, CBC, NWI, CNBC, CNN, CNNFN, MSNBC, KMFDM, LMNOP, and, of course, NWA. All I know is that you can get those nasty pictures on Al-Jazeera's website even without reading Arabic, that the "War Desk" on CNNFN has my laptop on it, and that first night where they were blowing stuff up like crazy? THAT was fun, admit it! I do wonder how much less news I'd have to watch if the US and Iraq could stop using all that rhetoric about how victory is inevitable, and our soldiers are brave and courageous, bork bork bork. Maybe from eight hours to seven.

CD: Moby, "Play"

I recently bought a cell phone. That means you have to write to all of your friends and give them your new number, which they will easily forget the first couple of times they need to call you. That's not a problem. The most disappointing thing in my situation, however--and this was pointed out to me by one of the friends I wrote to--was that my E-mail was sent out to nine people. Nine. Sad, huh? I pay $35 dollars a month so I can talk to nine people. Four of them live in my house. Or is it more depressing when one of them writes back and makes fun of you for only writing to nine people? Or that he just got a cell phone, too, and will probably only call three or four people with it? Or that it's 11:20 on a Monday morning and I still haven't gotten out of bed? Alas.

CD: Pavement, "Slanted And Enchanted" (deluxe)

It is 12:10 AM. What a great day this March 23rd has been! Definitely in the top 1000 of good days. What did I do today? Oh, gee...let me think. Well, I was reading this newspaper, as I am wont to do sometimes, and it was really interesting! Yeah! But then I thought to myself, "Hey, I wonder if I have any E-mail to check." So about halfway through the day, at about 12:05 AM, I checked my E-mail! I didn't have any! Wow! I wonder if I'll ever get any more. I guess only time will tell, huh? Already a mystery. Then I decided that since it was a new day, I would add to my weblog. I was listening to my Pavement album the night before, so I started of my new post with the title of the album I had played. Coincidence? No, silly! Then I started writing my weblog. It was about 12:10 in the morning by then. Well, what a day! I better get some rest. Toodles for now!

CD: Rage Against The Machine, "Rage Against The Machine"

Spring Break has been a wash. Compared to previous Spring Breaks, where I was out of town and on vacation, I have done some homework. So this is a 100% increase. Yet, thirty minutes isn't exactly going to help me out like I'd hoped. On one hand, I did go bowling last night. It was much more enjoyable than, say, a study of 17th century Dutch economics. I really don't know how to fully articulate what I'm saying, because I was out all night and didn't get any sleep, but it's too bad I didn't get any papers done. I'll just have to blame the war or something. That darned Saddam! Why couldn't he be like that nice Timothy McVeigh boy and be easier to catch?! Hmm, I probably shouldn't have said that...like that. Wait, what did I just say? I better get some sleep...it's a good reason for not starting more homework, too...

CD: various, "Negros Blues And Hollers"

Most every night, my father sits on the couch once he gets home and doesn't get up. He eventually falls asleep on the couch, snoring and keeping me awake. Then I have to close my bedroom door and since the heater is in my room, the building goes cold while my room gets to be about 90 degrees, so I have to keep a window cracked open in the middle of winter. So last night I put my foot down. Well, my butt. I got home first, grabbed my laptop, the remote and a book. I laid on that couch for several hours before he got home. He sat on one end of the couch and started nodding off, except for the couple of times he would turn his head, slowly open his eyes and see if I was still there. You could see the disappointment in him. A couple of times he would mumble something about "Well I guess I should go to bed soon..." right before he would glance at me. At about 1:30 he finally capitulated and went to his bedroom for good. I had won the night. I told my sister what I did and we celebrated for several seconds. Then I told her I was tired out too from all my squatting and I went to bed. The end.

Edited by: TomServo0 at: 3/20/03 2:45:36 am

CD: Fiona Apple, "When The Pawn..."

This war thing is taking forever. Just think, if they do reenactments of it in 2203, it will involve sitting in the desert for 3 months, doing nothing. It'll be pretty boring, that's for sure. And then one of the troop reenactors will pull out a laptop computer and press a button, something will blow up, and the battle will be over. Not that I want anyone to die in this war, or that I want this war at all, but come on already. it really has been twelve years since this thing has started. I almost like Bush for being impatient. Saddam Hussein is like that one kid in elementary school that was so annoying that you wanted to pop him one but he never got caught doing anything wrong. He would make fun of you and then hide behind a tree in the playground or stand next to the teacher so you couldn't rough him up. Still, if you ignored him he would go away after a while...

Edited by: TomServo0 at: 3/19/03 2:34:36 pm

CD: Talib Kweli, "Quality"

My theory is has been tried and tested, and still true: If there is no specific reason to get together, as my friends and I did the other night, we will somehow end up at Denny's. That doesn't mean we specifically want to go to Denny's. What used to be a fun outing has turned into a tradition and then an out and out regrettable situation. Last night I decided that since I was driving, we were just going to drive down one road until someone decided what we were going to do next. We got halfway to driving off of the Niagara Falls when I had to give up and turn around. It's a shame when your posse physically GOES to several places says "NO! We must go do Denny's." But you know what? They have darn good sandwiches and pies and I barely care anymore. Moons Over My Hammy for everyone! I had a great time. Free refills!

CD: James Brown, "Say It Live And Loud: Live In Dallas 08.26.68"

Someone mentioned that it's going to look really bad when the United States declares war on Iraq and the world press comes to get our reaction, and everyone is drunk and dancing in the streets with party hats and floats because it's St. Patrick's Day. They're going to have a field day with us. I never really liked this holiday because I don't drink and don't like drunks, but since green is my favorite color I guess it's passable as a celebration. Interesting, though, that we're starting a war to combat terrorism (or whatever they call it) around a day celebrating the Irish, who would be World Terrorist Enemy #1 if it weren't for that whole Arab-Israeli thing. How many people have died from Irish terrorist acts? Nomatter. All we know over here in the states was that there was some sort of famine and what do you know, everyone in the Fire Department has a name that starts with "O'." Also, Lucky Charms is the best kids' cereal ever.

CD: Taleb Kwali, "Quality"

Yesterday I went to downtown Buffalo, which was interesting because it was actually nice out for once and people were taking walks, looking around at the city like they just came out of their bomb shelters. It was Saturday, so no one had much of a reason to be there. We were just surprised the sun was shining and stuff wasn't falling from the sky. On the windows of the abandonned Burger King was a sign that said "Fat, Ugly Italian Male looking for Nice Girl with a Sense of Humor, 878-xxxx." That was kind of funny. The subway was half-filled with people that didn't want to look at each other. I was the most handsome person there. I rode the subway down to its last stop at South Campus and the floor was really slippery, probably from the moisture with the weather and everything melting. Dangerous.

CD: White Stripes, "De Stijl"

Some months ago I made what could be called the Mother Of All Mix Albums, or MOAMA, for some foreign guys at work. Tonight I pulled it out and copied to my laptop and dude, this is fun! Now I technically have my own portable MP3 player! Whee! And it's already loaded with 200 of my favorite songs. The best part is that I forgot what songs I put on the thing so I get a pleasant surprise every three minutes or so. Now I recall the three days it took for me to put the MOAMA together; how I fussed over song selection, how I tried to be eclectic (no band appears more than once) while still fitting everything in. Finally my hard work, though relatively still useless, is paying off. AND, as an added bonus, WinAmp is automatically fading in between tracks. Fantastic.

CD: Pearl Jam, "Riot Act"

The best part about my winter trip to Europe may not be the actual vacation but the ability to refer to it in conversation later. Watching the news today they showed the Chancellor of Germany giving a speech to the legislature, and DUDE I was IN THAT BUILDING! Cool! Somewhere I learned that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's favorite tourist attraction in Rome is the Spanish Steps, and I was ON those steps! Whenever they talk about the Eiffel Tower, the EU headquarters in Belgium, the Vatican's plea for peace in the Middle East...I was there, making me an EXPERT compared to all y'all who are only TALKING about the stuff! So they want to rename French Fries "Freedom Fries" because they think the French are snooty, self-centered anti-Americans? Well guess what? I was actually IN FRANCE and they ARE snooty, self-centered anti-Americans. How about those pommes, Jacques?

CD: "Langley Schools Music Project"

Spring Break. Wooooooooo. There are no girls going wild here in farm country, nor do I see Fat Joe getting ready to perform. Even the upcoming St. Patrick's Day holiday fails to pique the interest of our Germanic neighbors. What to do then? Well, it seems that my academic adversaries, or "professors," have all designed that I must write them a 15-20 page paper. So instead of warm beaches and cold water (The ocean's always cold no matter where you are, isn't that such a disappointment?) I will get to visit cold libraries and search for old books. Maybe I'll even stop procrastinating long enough to write something down. My Beach House will consist of a bunch of bundled-up, grandfatherly dudes trying to look up totally rad geneology records! Party on!

CD: Green Day, "Warning"

I found this during my research and I though it was interesting. Some things never change . . . .

from "Republican Advocate" by D. C. Miller. Batavia, NY Fri. Evening 18 August 1826 VOL. 15, NO. 758
Pg. 3 col.1

<<“He who is not for us is against us.”—This is an old and trite saying—and whatever may be the hazard in any laudable untertaking, rendered necessary by the nature and state of things, the whimperings of nerveless friendship, doling out its fears of cousequences, is lost upon him whose purposes are as just as unchangeable; and could such friends duly estimate things, whey would consider their advice, as it really is—worthless. Armed with justice, none but cowards fear consequences. What are scoffs, threats and persecution to him who is bent upon purposes good? Simply stimulants to action, calling forth powers that put at defiance the demons of mischief.”<<

CD: Wesley Willis, "Daren Hacker"

Most of this was from an E-mail I just sent to Ed:

Guess who Joe and I saw last night? That's right, the one and only WESLEY WILLIS. The jam was a knockout! The singer rocked like a Magikiss! The show was supposed to be at Mohawk Place but because of all that Great White stuff the fire marshall had them move it to the Continental. It was the best show I've seen him do by far. He was on a Harmony Joy Ride for sure! He did the hits of course--"Rock and Roll McDonald's," "Cut the Mullet,"--but he unveiled some other stuff like "Michael Jackson," which may be his best song yet (just look up the lyrics), "Osama bin Laden," and the encore, "My Demon is the Devil's Son." They even sounded like different songs this time! He's gotten a lot better. Now he pauses right after he says "Rock Over London, Rock On [Buffalo New York]" so people can cheer before he does his slogan and the ends fade out. It was a success! There were about 100 people at the show! Suddenly, it was over. Just plain awesome.

I would also like to add that the toilets at the Continental are human rights catastrophies. I think there should also be a Toilet Marshall that goes around to bars and clubs to see if they're deadly or not. They're just accidents waiting to have already happened.

CD: Jimmy Eat World, "Bleed American"

I remember a long time ago (months!) I wrote a post about how Saddam Hussein released almost all the prisoners in his jails in Iraq. And I sarcastically commented that it must be this Great Coincidence that American troops were coming over to fight his country, and he needed troops for his army--hey, here are some, and they're big fans of yours, Hussein! Well now I'm wondering if they're actually in the Iraqi guard. If they are or they aren't, aren't they bored? Come to think of it, what are the Iraqi people doing right now? It's not like they can make any big plans..."Yo Abdul, you wanna help me move?" "Sure, Mohammed, but you sure you want to right now, what with the war and all?" "Oh yeah, I forgot. They might blow our houses up. Maybe later then?" Or maybe, "Yo Abdullina, would you like to come to my bachelorette party?" "Sure, Mohammedina, but you sure you want to get married right now, what with the war and all?" "Oh yeah, I forgot. They might kill my husband in a firefight and my future children could die of starvation. Maybe later then?" All I know for sure is that if I were living there right now, I'd be in the basement trying to get through Ulysseys.

CD: Oasis, "Be Here Now"

Uuuuugh. I knew it wouldn't work. So I got to the library at about 4 yesterday, vowing not to leave until I finished my five-page paper, which is due tonight. after about six hours, I had competed ONE PAGE. That's right, somehow I was able to sit in one place and only write ONE PAGE of a book review. How horrible is that? Right now I'm wasting my time on this thing (which is going much faster, by the way) but I think I've figured it out: years of all-nighters and last-minute writing make me unable to function as a regular student unless there is a pressing deadline upon me. I bet that by the end of the afternoon this paper will be done quickly simply because it has to be. The words will magically appear on the page--almost like its their destiny--but for now they will not come. No matter, I must sign off and forge ahead. But first...breakfast...

CD: Natalie Imbruglia, "White Lillies Island"

Today I fully intend to spend all day at the library and I just know it will never work. It never does. I tell myself I will work all day long but I end up goofing off for a couple of hours and then going back home. This time I have a five-page paper to write and I refuse to leave until I do...if I do leave, it's thirty miles to home so I have an extra incentive to stay. Nevertheless, I was supposed to be there a couple of hours ago and I just got out of bed. Now I'm writing this stupid weblog which means I will waste even more time before I even eat breakfast. When I first started writing these log things it was to practice answering those "About Me" essays on job applications, but now I see it's my new excuse to procrastinate. Once again I have ruined my academic career.

CD: Natalie Imbruglia, "Left Of The Middle"

I just saw the High School Play version of the movie Footloose, and I must say I expected looser feet. It was very unprofessional. But for some reason all I could think about during the play was the inevitable war in Iraq. So the hero of the story--the guy that just wanted to dance, dance, dance!--and his friends became the anti-war protesters, and the evil minister became George Bush, and the minister kept pushing for war because of some accident with his father in the last war--probably the assassination attempt--and he was all cantankerous and wouldn't listen to anybody, and then the hero got up in front of everybody and said "blessed are the peacemakers" but all the old people voted for war anyway...and George Bush really couldn't sing but he still got some applause because he seemed like a nice kid that tried really hard. I still don't know what to name my daydream: Trooploose? Obtoose? Oh well.

CD: Missy Elliot, "Under Construction"

Today, a first: I taught an elementary school class. Six, actually. Through this I found out something amazing: children are transfixed upon a television. It doesn't even have to be showing anything. A blank, blue screen will suffice; the children will love it. Today I played videos for all six of these classes. From Kindergarden through grade six, the kids just sat there quietly. It was amazing. Best classes I've ever had. I noticed that there are four levels of television understanding with kids:

Grade 5+6: Cool, it's video time. We don't have to do anything.
Grade 4+3: A movie! This is funny stuff!
Grade 2+1: Wow, a dancing elephant!
Kindergarden: [mouths agape. no comprehension until the songs come in]

CD: John Coltrane, "The Very Best Of John Coltrane"

I forgot how to read. After all these years, I forgot how to sound out words, read phonetically, stay on one line at a time. In college I developed the ability to read two or three lines at a time to better skim the material so I could spend my time more wisely not doing the dishes for my dorm. Reading the newspaper too often has made me skip whole paragraphs in a quick search for important quotes and concise summaries. So now, whenever I want to read a real book--or even a long New Yorker article--it's darn near impossible. I lose my place, I turn the page halfway through reading the one before it, and sometimes stop and say to myself "I don't know what I just read. I didn't remember a single word." It's been difficult, but with a few hours of practice every night I've tried to regain my reading abilities. Sure, every page of my graduate textbooks are a challenge, but so was inventing the light bulb and we're glad someone did that! So to conclude, reading is worth it. But you don't have to take MY word for it....

CD: Weezer, "Maladroit"

In Buffalo, the transition from winter to spring has been more schizophrenic than usual. Usually there's no spring anyway, but this year we just might give it a try. So this past week or two we have experienced temperatures of zero or below, then had temperatures in the 40s, then back to zero again. Today it was up and started raining, but now it is down and snowing again. As in city government, the weather can't make up its mind, either. Perhaps hail tonight? Maybe more snazzy snow. Nobody knows; we can't predict a thing. And in this town it doesn't really matter either way, because nobody will do anything differently with their day until a yard of the stuff hits the ground; one reason (and only one?) why living here is better than in Florida.

CD: Lenny Kravitz, "Greatest Hits"

Ooh, those crazy French. They remind me of this kid named Keith I used to go to school with that everyone wanted to beat up on the playground. He wasn't really evil or anything, just a dork. Even if he said things you agreed with, you still wanted to beat him up. So that's France to me. Sure, I'm not too fond about this upcoming war either, and I would probably vote against it if I were France, too. But it's the delivery, I guess. That, and every time someone threatened to beat up Keith--which happened often, by the way--he would run away like a little girl. And that is 100% France. I wonder what Keith is up to right now...probably pretending not to know English, and selling bottles of Coca-Cola for $4.50 a pop, and having national holidays whenever I happen to visit so I'll never get to see the Mona Lisa. Jerks.