FREDLINE NEWS for Wednesday, 6 May 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FIRST EVER FREDLINE NEWS

And possibly the last, but let's see how it works out. I might do this once a week or so. If you don't want these E-mails, just Reply and say "Unsubscribe" or "You're A Horrible Person" or something similar. I used to make a weblog, so I'll just post this there instead. It's at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius in case you're interested. Hey, if this is the first issue, it's not an update it's not an update, is it? Huh.


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FREDLINE NEWS: MY CAT IS DISGUSTING

One night I came home and like usual, my cat followed me in. We have two cats, actually. One is black and white, and stupid. His name is Billy but we usually just call him Stupid. The one I let in is named Kramer, and he's pretty cool. But he's gross. So I started walking to the living room when I almost trip over Kramer, who's hunched down on the ground, refusing to move. It looked like he was trying to trap something. I stood back to get a good view and found the cat with half a mouse in his mouth, and the other half (the part with the tail) hanging out. The first thing I thought was "Why did he bring that inside?" Then the cat, with the mouse still in its mouth, whipped his head up real fast so the mouse flew like 10 feet in the air before landing on a chair in the dining room. The cat ran to pounce on it, and with the body between its teeth did one of those things that dogs do where they eat meat by shaking their head and growling. But the cat didn't eat it yet, it still wanted to play. (To which my second thought was, "Why doesn't he just eat it?") Then he body-slammed the mouse back on the floor again. I went outside to find a shovel to get rid of the mouse, not to bury it, but to find something to pick it up that had a long pole attached to it. When I came back to the house the cat was still going ape wild over this mouse, which upon further inspection was still alive, heart beating a mile a minute, with three giant holes in its underside and too scared to move. I got it on the shovel, walked outside, and catapulted it away.

For the rest of the night Kramer stood on his hind legs against the screen door, meowing to go outside. I knew what he was up to. And he kept looking back at me like "I have to go outside, and uh, do some stuff. I mean really, REALLY have to go outside now. It's important Cat Stuff, you wouldn't understand." Yeah right, Kramer. Now be a good cat and lick my dinner plate clean....On second thought, don't this time.


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Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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FREDLINE NEWS: FRED GETS FREE QUR'AN, NO SERIOUS INJURIES

Today at 4:30 PM EST the FREDLINE NEWS offices received a package from the Royal Embassy of Saudi Arabia's Islamic Affairs. It had Arab writing on the box and everything. Knowing exactly what it was, our Senior Editor opened it, much to the dismay of Jerry, one of our Copy Editors. Questions raised ranged from "What's that?" to "Are you sure it's not a bomb?" FREDLINE NEWS would also like to report that they expected some cheap paperback copy of the Qur'an but this is a really nice hardcover, and that you can request free copies from www.iad.org. When asked about the book, our Senior Editor replied that "free stuff" is always good and reminisced about the Good Ol' Days when you spelled Qur'an with a K.


FREDLINE LIFESTYLES

The following is a true story by a "Jamie K." who submitted this story to the "UB Embarrassed" contest for the University at Buffalo's "Visions" newsletter:

"I have a serious gastric problem, so whenever I can't hold it back I try to make a joke like "pull my finger" or something. One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went in to my room to get dressed. My girlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to fart I said, "this is how much I love you" and at the same time I dropped a BIG surprise on the floor. It surprised me as much as her. I looked at my girl who had a look of horror on her face and my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe I had just took a dump on the floor in front of my girlfriend. I screamed to her "don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers. We broke up later that day and I haven't heard from her since."


FREDLINE WORD OF THE DAY: "FERGUSONIAN"

fur*GOO*so*Nee*enne

The act of offering advice without adequate life experience to back it up. Example:

"Joe": Fred. Listen. Listen to me for a second. This is what women want:
"Fred": How do you know what women want?
"Joe": I don't. But hear me out here...
"Fred": Why, are you a woman?
"Joe": Shut up.
"Fred": "Joe," sometimes you're so...Fergusonian...



EDITOR'S NOTES

Go ahead and forward this if you're bored. If anyone else wants this they can also E-mail me.



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FREDLINE NEWS EXTRA: WORLD CELEBRATES FRED'S BIRTHDAY

Fred's Birthday's Highlights in History
On April 25, 1792, highwayman Nicolas Jacques Pelletier became the first person under French law to be executed by the guillotine.
In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.
In 1898, the United States formally declared war on Spain.
In 1901, New York became the first state to require automobile license plates; the fee was $1.
In 1945, during World War II, U.S. and Soviet forces linked up on the Elbe River, a meeting that dramatized the collapse of Nazi Germany's defenses.
In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
In 1959, the St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping.
In 1983, Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith to visit his country after receiving a letter in which the Manchester, Maine, schoolgirl expressed fears about nuclear war.
In 1983, the ``Pioneer Ten'' spacecraft crossed Pluto's orbit, speeding on its endless voyage through the Milky Way.
In 1990, Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua, ending eleven years of leftist Sandinista rule.
In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope was deployed from the space shuttle Discovery.
Ten years ago: Hundreds of thousands of gay rights activists and their supporters marched in Washington D.C., demanding equal rights and freedom from discrimination. Voters in Russia participated in a referendum, giving President Boris N. Yeltsin a sturdy vote of confidence.
Five years ago: Whitewater prosecutors questioned first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on videotape about her work as a private lawyer for the failed savings and loan at the center of the investigation.
One year ago: President Bush hosted Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at his Texas ranch for a day of talks. The House voted 405-9 to abolish the embattled Immigration and Naturalization Service. Lisa ``Left Eye'' Lopes, the effervescent, sometimes volatile member of the Grammy-winning trio TLC, died in a car crash in Honduras; she was 30.

Today's Birthdays
Basketball Hall of Fame electee George ``Meadowlark'' Lemon is 71. Songwriter Jerry Leiber is 70. Actor Al Pacino is 63. Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 58. Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 58. Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers) is 53. Actor Hank Azaria ("Moe" from "The Simpsons") is 39. Rock singer Andy Bell (Erasure) is 39. Rock musician Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) is 38. Actress Renee Zellweger is 34.
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