Sunday, February 13, 2005

Rescued from the Internet Archive

Dr. Frederick C. Schrock, PhD.
Professor of International Cheese Studies/
Departmental Head
Canisius College, Buffalo, New York

We here at the Canisius College International Cheese Studies are proud of our fine Jesuit tradition of providing to the aspiring student a concisely taught yet profusely detailed exploration of the history, culinary artistic quality, scientific variabilization and quantic philosophy wrought from the explications found via detailed analysis of the many intraplanetary deviations du fromage -- not only those of the cradles of cheese civilization: pristine Egypt, the Gaul of the Holy Roman times, and, of course, the trifecta of salivatorily delectable nations of foodular invention: Hungary, Turkey, and Greece -- but also the more modern pillars of tastetecular excellence, such as Wisconsin.

"Apres moi, le fromage!" --Louis XIV

My wife and I have a little summer place in the Florida Keys. Besides Cheeseology, I'm an avid fan of underwater photography. And leg waxes, check 'em out! (Reuters)

Cheeseology, in a translation wrestled literally from its Greco-Roman roots, means, quite literally, "the study of cheese," literally speaking in a more literal sense of the word. Throughout unrecorded history, the cheeseologist has sought to ask of himself (and, as of REAL v. Bored of Education [1954], herself) several basic questions, none of which, in five thousand years of research, has ever been answered to the complete satisfaction of the majority of circles of extremely esteemed professors of the field -- myself included and highly revered -- but all of which, in an inexplicable irony, will be presented for interrogation during the commencement of each final examination:

1. Is cheese a solid?
2. Can it be used as Play-Doh?
3. Is it better to eat a hamburger with cheese and a glass of milk, or should we just eliminate the middle man and bite a live cow?
4. Did you hear that?
5. I didn't hear anything, did you?
6. I don't know, did I?
7. Why is it people can invent stuff like cheese just by leaving it out for a long time, but when we don't rake the leaves in autumn, all it does is kill the grass?
8. And when we leave cheese out for a long time, we don't invent anything other than a big ol' hunk of hard cheese?
9. Are you sure you heard something?
10. Cigars? Cigarettes?

"Speak softly and carry a big mozzarella stick." --Teddy Roosevelt

The wishful thinker that is the collegiate cheeseologist-to-be can expect only the best of facilities to be available to them at Canisius College, a.k.a., eg., al anon, "The College in the Ghetto" (iiiiin the ghettooooo…), as each lab, classroom and fromatorium lecture hall is equipped to "the max," and is all "totally mod." You can be assured that in the hands of Dr. Frederick C. Schrock, PhD. you will be treated like a lady, and not just a piece of cheese.

Course Curriculum


1. "How to hunt and trap cheese"
2. "Cottage Cheese: No, Its Not a Split-Level"
3. Unit Test: Know how to discern between the smell of cheese and your feet.
4. "Gouda is Good, But Cheddar is Better"
5. "Kurds vs. Whey"
6. Unit Test: Know the anatomy of the Moon.
7. "Would You Like Some Cheese With Your Wine: How to Entertain Guests"
8. SPRING BREAK. Eat fiber, drink Drano. Trust me, you'll need it by then.
9. "Imitation Cheese, and How You Can Prepare For the Coming Wrath"
10. Paper Due: "My Favorite Cheese, and How It Has Touched Me Personally." min. 2500 wds.
11. Unit Test: Know how to make grilled cheese sandwiches without burning the bread.
12. "90 Seconds to Heaven: Waiting for Cheez-Whiz"
13. "Why Do We Love the Fishes? 'Cause They SO Delicious!"
14. Unit Test: Don't waste your time studying for this one, the final's next week!
15. FINAL EXAM: Be sure to study (A) everything we did in class, (B) everything you learned from the readings, and (C) everything else, which you couldn't have possibly learned but absolutely have to know. Good luck!

"Lindburger is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."
--Thomas Edison

This page has been approved by Derf.


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