FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: NOT ANOTHER ONE OF THESE THINGS
If you do not want these anymore, please reply and say so. Please use "please" when doing so, because your mother taught you manners. You can use the old E-mails to line the cage of your Tamogatchi pet. I think that's how it's spelled. For anyone that likes to see the same thing in two different formats (e.g. Betamax, for example) it is posted on pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DRINK MORE OVALTINE
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE SPORTS: INJURY HAMPERS ENGLISH MAJOR'S CHANCES OF MAKING NFL DRAFT
Terre Haute, IN: It could take several weeks of rehab, but the repercussions of last Tuesday's fall during an afternoon run could put Jeffrey Grose out of the running for the next NFL Draft.
Grose, a graduate student at Indiana State University, wanted to be eligible for the NFL Draft hoping to be drafted by the nearby Indianapolis Colts.
"Yeah, I've been limping around a little, so I'll have to stop running for a while. I think I pulled something," the dejected athlete remarked. "Maybe next year."
Grose runs several times a week, depending on his study schedule and weather conditions. Though never playing in professional or collegiate sports, he was a member of several intramural football teams and played countless 1-on-1 basketball games with his younger brother. Once last November Grose remarked that it would "be really cool if I got drafted in the last rounds of the [NFL] Draft. Dude I'd be rich." Though expressing at numerous occations that NFL players are overpaid babies, sources close to Grosse have hinted that a large NFL salary would not hinder his decision to enter the league.
The Colts front office was unavailable for comment.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS WORLD TOUR
The FREDLINE NEWS staff will be in the Czech Republic for the next 2-3 weeks, doing--of course--The Lord's Work. Though there are unknown hazards ahead, one thing is certain: we here at FREDLINE NEWS are prepared for the threat of terrorism, whether here or abroad.
As per recent comments by President George "Wuh?" Bush taunting would-be terrorists to "come and get us" [That's a paraphrase. We don't do a lot of fact-checking], we offer those same terrorists the following scenario:
--You (the terrorist) tries to hijack our international flight to Frankfurt
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) goes Passenger 57 on your hiney.
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) become national heroes, appearing on Letterman (NOT Leno, unless he offers more $$), Charlie Rose, and of course Larry King.
--During the call-in session at Larry King, the recently-returned-home Jessica Lynch rings me up to applaud our bravery in the face of impending doom.
--We reply, with a sly grin and a wink, "Hey, you're not so bad yourself."
--We (our staff, and Jessica Lynch) chat for a while about being heroes, the weather in West Virginia, etc.
--We get digits.
--Awesome.
Admit it, she is kind of cute.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
To those of you looking for a DIFFERENT news source, that we here at EDLINE NEWS cut through the crap (FR) and get straight to the point (ED). It's just staight News here at EDLINE. As our motto states: "We report We decide." EDLINE NEWS: Ed's opinion for you.
pub72.ezboard.com/fpubliu...D=52.topic
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITORIAL NOTE
We here at FREDLINE NEWS would just like to answer a few of the bogus claims being knocked around by the upstart media rival known as EDLINE NEWS. As their press release claims, the staff of FREDLINE NEWS has done everything from being "politically biased, and unfair," to having connections with the government of Saudi Arabia, Ashley Judd, and a Russian bride smuggling ring.
All of these accuations are complete fabrications, or as we call them in the journalism business, "horsehockey." Nay, ED is a pucking liar. Though the ongoing relationship between a member of the FREDLINE NEWS staff and actress Ashley Judd is verifiable and a private matter, everything else is purely and utterly untrue.
We challenge the staff of EDLINE NEWS to corroborate their insinuations. We also match your four insinuations and rise you one more. That's right, we here at FREDLINE NEWS have found ample evidence to prove that ED is EVIL. One look at the following website should explain everything.
asgard.drakhar.com:8080/a...eviled.jpg
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Our News Anchorette of the Month for July is Baghdad Bob. He's not exactly a woman or a newsperson, but we all love him dearly. Be sure to check out his new movie at www.baghdadbobdvd.com.
Toodles.
Saturday, July 26, 2003
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 15 July 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: LEGAL STUFF SHOULD BE AT THE END
If this is in your Inbox: Just so I don't get sued by the FCC people, remember that at one time you gave a guy named Fred your E-mail address, and lucky you, "You've Got Mail!" You can reply to this letter with an "Unsubscribe Me/Stop The Insanity" message. This is also one of those things you can FWD around if you really enjoy it, or go to pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius if you'd like to read back issues.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
AMERI-POS: BE THAT OLD GUY IN THE COMMERCIALS!
Hey, you know those commericals with the guy that buys that Internet Station thingy that probably cost him like $20,000? And every day he goes to it, opens it up, and WOW there's, like, TWENTY bucks worth of $1 bills inside? And that
makes him rich somehow? THAT COULD BE YOU! We here at Ameri-POS have told you for two years now that other people are going to take all the good spots at malls and airports. It's an amazing coincidence that there are spots still left NEAR YOU!
"I want the American Dream, and I want it now!" --Woman from commercial, who forgot the struggle of her immigrant forefathers
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: REBELLIOUS CASHIER FEARS FOR WELL-BEING
So this lady walks into the store and wants to buy some coffee. She reaches into her pocket, and somewhere between all the Casino Niagara tokens she finds $1.50 in Canadian money and hands it to me. So I tell her I can't take Canadian money unless she wants to pay the exchange rate, and suddenly I've infringed on her rights as an American. "What do you mean?! Everyone does it!!," to which I reply that yes, they do, in Canada. Now she must See a Manager Immediately. That means I have to go find the manager, who really does have better things to do, and explain why this woman has to interrupt TWO people that don't care two cents for her $1.50 coffee. Then the manager has to do the Happy Customer Dance until the problem goes away.
When I came back, the woman was on the other side of the room, filling up a coffee cup she'd stolen from behind the register. She sees me. "Changed your mind, huh?" So I flip her off. She wasn't very happy.
That night, and for the next day or so, my middle finger became a badge of honor. For the few people at work that I told (you have to be careful what gets out) it helped relieve some work tension. It was a fun little story to tell friends and family. ("And then I did THIS, Mom!") But then the thoughts started creeping in. What if I've gone on a power trip, and start telling off customers every day? More importantly, what if she comes back? With her larger, angrier boyfriend? Uh-oh. I had to watch my back. This is what I get for not loving my neighboUr!
Next week, she did come back, and her boyfriend/husband/brother was there, too. It was a particularly busy lunch period, so it was easy to pretend I didn't recognize her and look occupied. As I said "Thanks" to her as I did any other customer, she responded with a noticeably sharp "Thank YOU!!" in return.
So my fears were not entirely baseless. In conclusion, don't flip people off, unless you know them personally. You never know when they'll show up again. And they'll show up with their mullet-headed, dumbfounded, trailer-hick redneck stringbean of a husband/brother/probably both to stare at you awkwardly for a couple minutes.
I hope she's not reading this.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FOUR HAIKU
(found amongst my notes from a conference last year)
Oh, the Renaissance.
Pictures and statues abound.
Italians do work!
Dr. McDonnell.
Stumbles, speaking, long pauses.
Weekend-old coffee.
Canadians here?
The vermin lift up their hands,
Gap-toothed from hockey.
Duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck GOOSE!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
"it would be sweet if you included links to pics of the newsanchor women of the month. its a pain in the neck to hunt these chicks down myself."
--Joe F., Buffalo
Joe, it's good to know you're hunting down chicks on the Internet! In June we declared the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month to be Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. You can see hot, steamy pictures of her sitting at a desk at www.framisdave.com/avemaria.htm. "Daniel J." who runs the site, also wrote a wonderful dedication poem named "Ave Maria." Thanks for writing, Joe! You're creepy.
Stay tuned for the next issue, when we crown the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of July and expose the unheard-of evils of our rival publication, EDLINE NEWS.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LONG INTERNET CONVERSATION
(You can stop reading now)
TomServo0: guess who driving to chicago with me and my brother?
roi058: joe
roi058: lenny
roi058: hannah
roi058: micah
roi058: jerry
roi058: tony
roi058: richard
roi058: mustaffa
roi058: duffy
roi058: derrick
roi058: dosteovesky
roi058: thoreau
roi058: dr. butler
roi058: gerri pawalek
roi058: damien
roi058: some of joe's HIV friendster hoes
roi058: michael jackson
roi058: drew bledsoe
roi058: dave
roi058: dave
roi058: dave's dad
roi058: richard allen
roi058: osama bin laden
roi058: saddam huissein
roi058: tommy franks
roi058: wesley clark
roi058: howard dean
roi058: george bush, senior
roi058: jeb
roi058: jethro tull
roi058: john mccenroe
roi058: tom arnold
roi058: david letterman
roi058: an elephant trainer
roi058: a lion tamer
roi058: a real estate agent
roi058: a tops manager
roi058: susie liddle
roi058: mary echter
roi058: mike lauria
roi058: jack kerouac's ashes
roi058: tim allen
roi058: dick van dyke
roi058: a motorcycle dyke
roi058: beck
roi058: lisa loeb
roi058: danko jones
TomServo0: warmer
roi058: david guterson
roi058: tim o'brien
roi058: ani difranco
roi058: natalie merchant
roi058: bjork
roi058: mick cochrane
roi058: father cooke
roi058: joe's grandma
roi058: thurman thomas
roi058: hillary clinton
roi058: an antelope herder
roi058: jesus christ
roi058: your mom
roi058: dr. rosenbloom
roi058: dr. jones
roi058: pete martin
roi058: catherine sicoli
roi058: dr. d'amico
roi058: jack kevorikian
roi058: bernard slepian's widow
TomServo0: should i just tell you, or are you having too much fun?
roi058: zack
roi058: mario lopez
roi058: steve irwin
roi058: bob graham
roi058: tim russert
roi058: charity vogel
roi058: megan herbeck
roi058: give me 5 more guesses........................
roi058: james lipton
roi058: charlie rose
roi058: oprah
roi058: kevin o'connell
roi058: jane cary
roi058: ok, you can tell me
TomServo0: mike slagor
roi058: i was so close
TomServo0: how you missed that is beyond me
TomServo0: i think you just re-took the 2000 census
roi058: i wanted to name 5 million people
roi058: but i don't really have the time
roi058: al sharpton, al gore, alphonse d'amato, alec baldwin...
roi058: brett boone, barry bonds, barry bostwick, bernie kosar, and bump Andgo
roi058: corbin lacina, jimmy carter, catcher in the ryle, toni morrison, and ray romano
roi058: bob evans, jimmy dean, kenny rogers, bob dylan, and michael moore
roi058: michael douglass, michael richards, richard michaels, al michaels, and dick n. anus
roi058: apricot, orange, cherry, banana, tomato, grape, and apple
roi058: lemon, lime, peach, pear, and cranberry
roi058: ibm, dell, gateway, apple, toshiba, hp, sony, compaq, winbook
roi058: jazz, soft rock, adult contemporary . . . .
If this is in your Inbox: Just so I don't get sued by the FCC people, remember that at one time you gave a guy named Fred your E-mail address, and lucky you, "You've Got Mail!" You can reply to this letter with an "Unsubscribe Me/Stop The Insanity" message. This is also one of those things you can FWD around if you really enjoy it, or go to pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius if you'd like to read back issues.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
AMERI-POS: BE THAT OLD GUY IN THE COMMERCIALS!
Hey, you know those commericals with the guy that buys that Internet Station thingy that probably cost him like $20,000? And every day he goes to it, opens it up, and WOW there's, like, TWENTY bucks worth of $1 bills inside? And that
makes him rich somehow? THAT COULD BE YOU! We here at Ameri-POS have told you for two years now that other people are going to take all the good spots at malls and airports. It's an amazing coincidence that there are spots still left NEAR YOU!
"I want the American Dream, and I want it now!" --Woman from commercial, who forgot the struggle of her immigrant forefathers
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: REBELLIOUS CASHIER FEARS FOR WELL-BEING
So this lady walks into the store and wants to buy some coffee. She reaches into her pocket, and somewhere between all the Casino Niagara tokens she finds $1.50 in Canadian money and hands it to me. So I tell her I can't take Canadian money unless she wants to pay the exchange rate, and suddenly I've infringed on her rights as an American. "What do you mean?! Everyone does it!!," to which I reply that yes, they do, in Canada. Now she must See a Manager Immediately. That means I have to go find the manager, who really does have better things to do, and explain why this woman has to interrupt TWO people that don't care two cents for her $1.50 coffee. Then the manager has to do the Happy Customer Dance until the problem goes away.
When I came back, the woman was on the other side of the room, filling up a coffee cup she'd stolen from behind the register. She sees me. "Changed your mind, huh?" So I flip her off. She wasn't very happy.
That night, and for the next day or so, my middle finger became a badge of honor. For the few people at work that I told (you have to be careful what gets out) it helped relieve some work tension. It was a fun little story to tell friends and family. ("And then I did THIS, Mom!") But then the thoughts started creeping in. What if I've gone on a power trip, and start telling off customers every day? More importantly, what if she comes back? With her larger, angrier boyfriend? Uh-oh. I had to watch my back. This is what I get for not loving my neighboUr!
Next week, she did come back, and her boyfriend/husband/brother was there, too. It was a particularly busy lunch period, so it was easy to pretend I didn't recognize her and look occupied. As I said "Thanks" to her as I did any other customer, she responded with a noticeably sharp "Thank YOU!!" in return.
So my fears were not entirely baseless. In conclusion, don't flip people off, unless you know them personally. You never know when they'll show up again. And they'll show up with their mullet-headed, dumbfounded, trailer-hick redneck stringbean of a husband/brother/probably both to stare at you awkwardly for a couple minutes.
I hope she's not reading this.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FOUR HAIKU
(found amongst my notes from a conference last year)
Oh, the Renaissance.
Pictures and statues abound.
Italians do work!
Dr. McDonnell.
Stumbles, speaking, long pauses.
Weekend-old coffee.
Canadians here?
The vermin lift up their hands,
Gap-toothed from hockey.
Duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck GOOSE!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
"it would be sweet if you included links to pics of the newsanchor women of the month. its a pain in the neck to hunt these chicks down myself."
--Joe F., Buffalo
Joe, it's good to know you're hunting down chicks on the Internet! In June we declared the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month to be Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. You can see hot, steamy pictures of her sitting at a desk at www.framisdave.com/avemaria.htm. "Daniel J." who runs the site, also wrote a wonderful dedication poem named "Ave Maria." Thanks for writing, Joe! You're creepy.
Stay tuned for the next issue, when we crown the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of July and expose the unheard-of evils of our rival publication, EDLINE NEWS.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LONG INTERNET CONVERSATION
(You can stop reading now)
TomServo0: guess who driving to chicago with me and my brother?
roi058: joe
roi058: lenny
roi058: hannah
roi058: micah
roi058: jerry
roi058: tony
roi058: richard
roi058: mustaffa
roi058: duffy
roi058: derrick
roi058: dosteovesky
roi058: thoreau
roi058: dr. butler
roi058: gerri pawalek
roi058: damien
roi058: some of joe's HIV friendster hoes
roi058: michael jackson
roi058: drew bledsoe
roi058: dave
roi058: dave
roi058: dave's dad
roi058: richard allen
roi058: osama bin laden
roi058: saddam huissein
roi058: tommy franks
roi058: wesley clark
roi058: howard dean
roi058: george bush, senior
roi058: jeb
roi058: jethro tull
roi058: john mccenroe
roi058: tom arnold
roi058: david letterman
roi058: an elephant trainer
roi058: a lion tamer
roi058: a real estate agent
roi058: a tops manager
roi058: susie liddle
roi058: mary echter
roi058: mike lauria
roi058: jack kerouac's ashes
roi058: tim allen
roi058: dick van dyke
roi058: a motorcycle dyke
roi058: beck
roi058: lisa loeb
roi058: danko jones
TomServo0: warmer
roi058: david guterson
roi058: tim o'brien
roi058: ani difranco
roi058: natalie merchant
roi058: bjork
roi058: mick cochrane
roi058: father cooke
roi058: joe's grandma
roi058: thurman thomas
roi058: hillary clinton
roi058: an antelope herder
roi058: jesus christ
roi058: your mom
roi058: dr. rosenbloom
roi058: dr. jones
roi058: pete martin
roi058: catherine sicoli
roi058: dr. d'amico
roi058: jack kevorikian
roi058: bernard slepian's widow
TomServo0: should i just tell you, or are you having too much fun?
roi058: zack
roi058: mario lopez
roi058: steve irwin
roi058: bob graham
roi058: tim russert
roi058: charity vogel
roi058: megan herbeck
roi058: give me 5 more guesses........................
roi058: james lipton
roi058: charlie rose
roi058: oprah
roi058: kevin o'connell
roi058: jane cary
roi058: ok, you can tell me
TomServo0: mike slagor
roi058: i was so close
TomServo0: how you missed that is beyond me
TomServo0: i think you just re-took the 2000 census
roi058: i wanted to name 5 million people
roi058: but i don't really have the time
roi058: al sharpton, al gore, alphonse d'amato, alec baldwin...
roi058: brett boone, barry bonds, barry bostwick, bernie kosar, and bump Andgo
roi058: corbin lacina, jimmy carter, catcher in the ryle, toni morrison, and ray romano
roi058: bob evans, jimmy dean, kenny rogers, bob dylan, and michael moore
roi058: michael douglass, michael richards, richard michaels, al michaels, and dick n. anus
roi058: apricot, orange, cherry, banana, tomato, grape, and apple
roi058: lemon, lime, peach, pear, and cranberry
roi058: ibm, dell, gateway, apple, toshiba, hp, sony, compaq, winbook
roi058: jazz, soft rock, adult contemporary . . . .
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 17 June 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FREDLINE NEWS UPDATED.
Welcome to another mildly interesting editon of FREDLINE NEWS. If you'd rather
prefer to read TV Guide or some other comparable media, please reply and
request an unsubscription. This issue will also be posted at ub72.
ezboard.com/bpublius just in case it gives your computer a virus and you lose
the file.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FRIENDSTER!
The new trend: Pretend friends! Join Friendster.com today and hook up with new
friends, old friends, red friends, blue friends! Try the address that came
with this E-mail, and find out what true friendship is all about: sporadic E-
mails and grainy thumbnail pics!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: MAN LOSES FAITH IN HUMANITY
(Erie County, USA) A surprising turn of events took place at a Burger King on
the I-90 last Sunday when a summer worker, known only by the "FRED" on his
nametag, lost faith in human kind. The conclusion came about after the
hamburger grill broke, meaning "FRED" had to explain that burgers were not for
sale.
"I made signs that said, 'NO BURGERS - GRILL BROKEN'" commented "FRED." What
more did I need to do? Is everyone dumb?"
It is estimated that 1 in 2 customers had receive a personal explanation of
what the signs meant, while 1 in 5 needed to learn that the "Whopper" was a
kind of burger and hence unavailable. Also, 1 in 8 pointed to the signs and
asked "Does that mean there are no burgers?"
After two hours, "FRED" got really frustrated. "After two hours I got really
frustrated," he recalled, "so I made MORE signs. I even drew big X's on sheets
of paper and put them over the pictures of all the food on the menu. Do you
think that helped? NO!"
Justifiably so, many customers were also quite upset at the situation. One
became visibly angry. "What do you mean there are no burgers?!" the woman
yelled before she stomped away. "I've been waiting in line for 20 minutes!
The LEAST you could do is put up a sign!"
In an unrelated story, "FRED" is continuing to tell himself he has a career
future outside of Burger King and is only working there to help pay for
college.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INFLATIBLE CHURCH! INFLATABLE CHURCH!
Need a church on the go? Wish you didn't have to go to church, and had the
church come to YOU? Try the new Inflatable Church at inflatablechurch.com!
Finally, blowing up a church is a GOOD thing!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART ONE
From the employee bulletin board at Burger King:
"Lets remember why we are all here; we need money to live, and we need to have
a job to earn that money. We are here out of basic necessity. Let's make the
best of the situation. We are all here by choice no one is forcing us to be
here. Why don't we stop worrying about what we can't change? Let's not worry
about everyone else, lets concentrate on our selves and how we can do the best
work we can do to earn that money that is letting us survive. In the scheme of
things let's be glad that we are surviving. Let's all make the best of our
work environment. Let's be happy to be here each day. And be glad that the
others are able to be here too.
Going into summer lets decide to make it a good one, and remember to be happy,
it doesn't do any good to be sad or mad, be glad." [sic]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES
It's a new month, and you know what that means: the *NEW* FREDLINE NEWS
Anchorette Centerfold for June is Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. And why not? Not
only is our dear Maria a bright shining face in a sea of middle-aged, balding
male financial experts, she's also a Rock Chick! Fun fact: Joey Ramone wrote a
song about her on his last solo album. Look it up!
"One of my hobbies is the stock market," Ramone said in March 1999. His
fascination at the time was a daily financial analysis program on cable station
CNBC.
"I watch this show Squawk Box every morning, and they have this host named
Maria [Bartiromo] who is really hot and feisty," Ramone said. "When I stopped
drinking, I started getting into the stock market because it's sort of like a
mosh pit down there."
A demo of the song mixes the British Invasion sound of the Who's early material
with a touch of the Ramones' career-long fascination with Motown girl groups.
"I watch her every day/ I watch her every night/ She's really out of sight/
Maria Bartiromo," Ramone sings.
Hey Maria, you can ring MY "opening bell" any day! Also, it's good we found a
new Anchorette Centerfold because the one for May--Linda Stouffer of Headline News--gave
birth a couple weeks ago and will be on maternity leave for a while. Honest,
it's not mine. Congrats Linda, and congrats Maria! We just want to say Good
Luck, and We're all counting on you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART TWO
"I don't think the system is 100% effective; I mean, it can't as long as the
human element is involved." --Jury Duty orientation video, City of Buffalo
Welcome to another mildly interesting editon of FREDLINE NEWS. If you'd rather
prefer to read TV Guide or some other comparable media, please reply and
request an unsubscription. This issue will also be posted at ub72.
ezboard.com/bpublius just in case it gives your computer a virus and you lose
the file.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FRIENDSTER!
The new trend: Pretend friends! Join Friendster.com today and hook up with new
friends, old friends, red friends, blue friends! Try the address that came
with this E-mail, and find out what true friendship is all about: sporadic E-
mails and grainy thumbnail pics!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: MAN LOSES FAITH IN HUMANITY
(Erie County, USA) A surprising turn of events took place at a Burger King on
the I-90 last Sunday when a summer worker, known only by the "FRED" on his
nametag, lost faith in human kind. The conclusion came about after the
hamburger grill broke, meaning "FRED" had to explain that burgers were not for
sale.
"I made signs that said, 'NO BURGERS - GRILL BROKEN'" commented "FRED." What
more did I need to do? Is everyone dumb?"
It is estimated that 1 in 2 customers had receive a personal explanation of
what the signs meant, while 1 in 5 needed to learn that the "Whopper" was a
kind of burger and hence unavailable. Also, 1 in 8 pointed to the signs and
asked "Does that mean there are no burgers?"
After two hours, "FRED" got really frustrated. "After two hours I got really
frustrated," he recalled, "so I made MORE signs. I even drew big X's on sheets
of paper and put them over the pictures of all the food on the menu. Do you
think that helped? NO!"
Justifiably so, many customers were also quite upset at the situation. One
became visibly angry. "What do you mean there are no burgers?!" the woman
yelled before she stomped away. "I've been waiting in line for 20 minutes!
The LEAST you could do is put up a sign!"
In an unrelated story, "FRED" is continuing to tell himself he has a career
future outside of Burger King and is only working there to help pay for
college.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INFLATIBLE CHURCH! INFLATABLE CHURCH!
Need a church on the go? Wish you didn't have to go to church, and had the
church come to YOU? Try the new Inflatable Church at inflatablechurch.com!
Finally, blowing up a church is a GOOD thing!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART ONE
From the employee bulletin board at Burger King:
"Lets remember why we are all here; we need money to live, and we need to have
a job to earn that money. We are here out of basic necessity. Let's make the
best of the situation. We are all here by choice no one is forcing us to be
here. Why don't we stop worrying about what we can't change? Let's not worry
about everyone else, lets concentrate on our selves and how we can do the best
work we can do to earn that money that is letting us survive. In the scheme of
things let's be glad that we are surviving. Let's all make the best of our
work environment. Let's be happy to be here each day. And be glad that the
others are able to be here too.
Going into summer lets decide to make it a good one, and remember to be happy,
it doesn't do any good to be sad or mad, be glad." [sic]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES
It's a new month, and you know what that means: the *NEW* FREDLINE NEWS
Anchorette Centerfold for June is Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. And why not? Not
only is our dear Maria a bright shining face in a sea of middle-aged, balding
male financial experts, she's also a Rock Chick! Fun fact: Joey Ramone wrote a
song about her on his last solo album. Look it up!
"One of my hobbies is the stock market," Ramone said in March 1999. His
fascination at the time was a daily financial analysis program on cable station
CNBC.
"I watch this show Squawk Box every morning, and they have this host named
Maria [Bartiromo] who is really hot and feisty," Ramone said. "When I stopped
drinking, I started getting into the stock market because it's sort of like a
mosh pit down there."
A demo of the song mixes the British Invasion sound of the Who's early material
with a touch of the Ramones' career-long fascination with Motown girl groups.
"I watch her every day/ I watch her every night/ She's really out of sight/
Maria Bartiromo," Ramone sings.
Hey Maria, you can ring MY "opening bell" any day! Also, it's good we found a
new Anchorette Centerfold because the one for May--Linda Stouffer of Headline News--gave
birth a couple weeks ago and will be on maternity leave for a while. Honest,
it's not mine. Congrats Linda, and congrats Maria! We just want to say Good
Luck, and We're all counting on you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART TWO
"I don't think the system is 100% effective; I mean, it can't as long as the
human element is involved." --Jury Duty orientation video, City of Buffalo
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 27 May 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: SPECIAL DAVE EDITION
After a recent Spring Cleaning I found myself with a pile of unpublished manuscripts from former roommate and current poet laureate of Blasdell, New York, Mr. David Hill. A short sample of the collection is posted below, including rough language, poor grammar, and, in some cases, newly invented words. (The typos are his as well.) This may be interesting to no one but myself. If you are not myself, you may unsubscribe by replying to this address? Ready? The rest of this E-mail will look like Picasso with dysentery.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
UNTITLED
DMX, you think you're the shiznoid.
I eat popcorn like it's my void.
All you suckers, wanna piece of the game?
I got sumpi9n' thatchya just can't name.
John Popper
Born in Asia Proper.
Thought it was Rash Hashana
Fired up the grill + ate
a Kilbasa.
A1 Steak sauce,
endorsed by Boss.
A - B's + C's, can't fite
the rex n'FX attack.
Extrapolate, cuz Wendy's
is in the house. Dave
Thomas farted out the
word mouse.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ART HISTORY REFLECTION PAPER (NOT SUBMITTED)
David Hill
Modern Art
Prof. Marie Vahue
March 28, 2000
Albright-Knox Art Gallery Visit
On Thursday, March 9th, we visited the Albright-Knox Art Gallery in Buffalo. It was totally gay. The gift shop had a plethora of stupid crap I didn't want to buy, except the checkout girl was kind of old so I kept laughing at her flapping jowels. That was pretty cool. I was going to go up to her and say, "Ooh! Live chicken!" but I got scared when somebody set off the store alarm by mistake and then I turned around real fast and ran away. The snack bar was too expensive. Like five dollars for a stupid little sandwich. Screw that, I'd rather eat a stool. And I don't mean a barstool, either!
Oh well. ONe of the most memorable parts of our visitation was this paining called "Venus." It was the bomb because you could see her boobs. Her butt, too. She was laying down on a big clam shell or something, and it looked pretty windy out where she was because her hair was flowing all over the place. It reminded me of the famous hockey movie Youngblood, where the new star hockey player does it with that chick, and then she's lying down and you see her boobs. Yeah. Boobs are cool. Huh huh huh.
In retrospect, our visit to the Albright-Knox Art Gallery was full of magic wonderment, and ferocious gaiety. I would most definitely recommend that anyone who like old flappy-jowl ladies or movies with gratuitous tittie shots to run, not walk, to the Gallery, jog up the stairs, raise their arms like Rocky Balboa, and say "Ow! My cramp!" Thank you for reading, and remember that Tops never stops...saving you more. PEACE!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
BEAUTIFUL GIRL
Beautiful Girl
Around the world
Kiss the girl
She is your pearl
Mama's girl
Went to Rome
to find a home
He loves here so
but she had to go
What a @#%$ ho.
If she only knew
What he went threw
Her panties were blue
He kept them in his hope chest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NOTES INSIDE A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM A POET NAMED CAREY MARTIN:
Happy Birthday Freddo! I hope u like this card!
Im just peturbed that that Carey Martin biatch
said everything i waited so long to tell you.
Because this Ms. Martin girl, the card 'poet' we'll call her,
stole the words from my mouth, I will write you a better poem
here:
Fred, from the first day I saw you,
you reminded me of a ball--a happy
wrinkly, wrily grimy ball.
You've always got your wits about you,
Much like a ball has that sort of not quite rectangular
but not quite cylinder shape to it.
Like a ripple in the water,
You have gently touched my life and,
I just thought you would appreciated a birthday card on
your birthday.
so, there you have it, I've said what's on my mind,
and now I'm feelin fine, but baby, baby i'll be rootin
for ya. So have a happy one you party that rocks the house
that rocks the bottle or whatever the saying goes!
--Dave Jammers
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
GOLDEN HEART, PURPLE HAWK
Golden heart, purple hawk
He was known to stalk, while writing poems.
He lost his way, yesterday, his best friend turned gay.
Who's that, down your pants, hands off, watch the boys.
He watches Dirty Dancing, with his mouth on the warm pot pie.
Can't find work so for now he dances, the Patrick Swayze that never was.
What might have been, if not for the bike with no seat. Should have listened to mom, safety first, and now he will never be able to enjoy the hard candy he once loved oh so very much.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NOTE LEFT JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK:
I feel that it is imperative that I leave you all, in an ever so early fashion, not with fading memories of scant wisdom and keen comrogany, but instead with a sense of accomplishment.
As such, let me reflect on what we have all learned this semester:
1) 1+1=2, unless you're seeing other people
2) soup tastes better hot
3) mashed potatoes taste better when spelled w/out the "e"
4) in one fell swoop, all the love of anal sex one can possibly have comes crashing down in a whimper of laconic, prosaic poetic pain.
5) No goodbye; there's only bj's.
Be proud and be merry; be puttered.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Professor Dr. David J. Hill's Course Schedule, Fall 2002:
*Representations of Jewish Thought and Practice in the Baked Goods Industry
*Exquisite Moments in the 1956 NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament
*Inculcating Basted Turkeys into Spying for the Administration
*Constructive Uses of Taco Bell Management Strategies
*Paltry Practices as Predictors of the Puff Pastry Pastime in Monolithic Islam (Part I)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES
Though I do not know if I can attribute it to Dave, I also found an old envelope with my address filled out in the corner and another full address in the middle. Apparently someone wanted to dive the impression that I had written a personal letter. The writing said as follows:
The Gay Pride Association of America
1 Commerce Plaza
Washington, D.C. 10014-40219
Membership fees enclosed
A drawing of "Ace" and "Gary" could be found on the back, also known as The Ambiguously Gay Duo. I think we can end on that note.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Fred, what do ya say...wanna be a Rastafarian? --Dave!!
[from a Post-It Note]
[Nota Bene 6/19/04: Some of these later revealed to be by Joe Ferguson and Jeff Gross. Props.]
After a recent Spring Cleaning I found myself with a pile of unpublished manuscripts from former roommate and current poet laureate of Blasdell, New York, Mr. David Hill. A short sample of the collection is posted below, including rough language, poor grammar, and, in some cases, newly invented words. (The typos are his as well.) This may be interesting to no one but myself. If you are not myself, you may unsubscribe by replying to this address? Ready? The rest of this E-mail will look like Picasso with dysentery.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
UNTITLED
DMX, you think you're the shiznoid.
I eat popcorn like it's my void.
All you suckers, wanna piece of the game?
I got sumpi9n' thatchya just can't name.
John Popper
Born in Asia Proper.
Thought it was Rash Hashana
Fired up the grill + ate
a Kilbasa.
A1 Steak sauce,
endorsed by Boss.
A - B's + C's, can't fite
the rex n'FX attack.
Extrapolate, cuz Wendy's
is in the house. Dave
Thomas farted out the
word mouse.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ART HISTORY REFLECTION PAPER (NOT SUBMITTED)
David Hill
Modern Art
Prof. Marie Vahue
March 28, 2000
Albright-Knox Art Gallery Visit
On Thursday, March 9th, we visited the Albright-Knox Art Gallery in Buffalo. It was totally gay. The gift shop had a plethora of stupid crap I didn't want to buy, except the checkout girl was kind of old so I kept laughing at her flapping jowels. That was pretty cool. I was going to go up to her and say, "Ooh! Live chicken!" but I got scared when somebody set off the store alarm by mistake and then I turned around real fast and ran away. The snack bar was too expensive. Like five dollars for a stupid little sandwich. Screw that, I'd rather eat a stool. And I don't mean a barstool, either!
Oh well. ONe of the most memorable parts of our visitation was this paining called "Venus." It was the bomb because you could see her boobs. Her butt, too. She was laying down on a big clam shell or something, and it looked pretty windy out where she was because her hair was flowing all over the place. It reminded me of the famous hockey movie Youngblood, where the new star hockey player does it with that chick, and then she's lying down and you see her boobs. Yeah. Boobs are cool. Huh huh huh.
In retrospect, our visit to the Albright-Knox Art Gallery was full of magic wonderment, and ferocious gaiety. I would most definitely recommend that anyone who like old flappy-jowl ladies or movies with gratuitous tittie shots to run, not walk, to the Gallery, jog up the stairs, raise their arms like Rocky Balboa, and say "Ow! My cramp!" Thank you for reading, and remember that Tops never stops...saving you more. PEACE!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
BEAUTIFUL GIRL
Beautiful Girl
Around the world
Kiss the girl
She is your pearl
Mama's girl
Went to Rome
to find a home
He loves here so
but she had to go
What a @#%$ ho.
If she only knew
What he went threw
Her panties were blue
He kept them in his hope chest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NOTES INSIDE A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM A POET NAMED CAREY MARTIN:
Happy Birthday Freddo! I hope u like this card!
Im just peturbed that that Carey Martin biatch
said everything i waited so long to tell you.
Because this Ms. Martin girl, the card 'poet' we'll call her,
stole the words from my mouth, I will write you a better poem
here:
Fred, from the first day I saw you,
you reminded me of a ball--a happy
wrinkly, wrily grimy ball.
You've always got your wits about you,
Much like a ball has that sort of not quite rectangular
but not quite cylinder shape to it.
Like a ripple in the water,
You have gently touched my life and,
I just thought you would appreciated a birthday card on
your birthday.
so, there you have it, I've said what's on my mind,
and now I'm feelin fine, but baby, baby i'll be rootin
for ya. So have a happy one you party that rocks the house
that rocks the bottle or whatever the saying goes!
--Dave Jammers
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
GOLDEN HEART, PURPLE HAWK
Golden heart, purple hawk
He was known to stalk, while writing poems.
He lost his way, yesterday, his best friend turned gay.
Who's that, down your pants, hands off, watch the boys.
He watches Dirty Dancing, with his mouth on the warm pot pie.
Can't find work so for now he dances, the Patrick Swayze that never was.
What might have been, if not for the bike with no seat. Should have listened to mom, safety first, and now he will never be able to enjoy the hard candy he once loved oh so very much.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NOTE LEFT JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK:
I feel that it is imperative that I leave you all, in an ever so early fashion, not with fading memories of scant wisdom and keen comrogany, but instead with a sense of accomplishment.
As such, let me reflect on what we have all learned this semester:
1) 1+1=2, unless you're seeing other people
2) soup tastes better hot
3) mashed potatoes taste better when spelled w/out the "e"
4) in one fell swoop, all the love of anal sex one can possibly have comes crashing down in a whimper of laconic, prosaic poetic pain.
5) No goodbye; there's only bj's.
Be proud and be merry; be puttered.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Professor Dr. David J. Hill's Course Schedule, Fall 2002:
*Representations of Jewish Thought and Practice in the Baked Goods Industry
*Exquisite Moments in the 1956 NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament
*Inculcating Basted Turkeys into Spying for the Administration
*Constructive Uses of Taco Bell Management Strategies
*Paltry Practices as Predictors of the Puff Pastry Pastime in Monolithic Islam (Part I)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES
Though I do not know if I can attribute it to Dave, I also found an old envelope with my address filled out in the corner and another full address in the middle. Apparently someone wanted to dive the impression that I had written a personal letter. The writing said as follows:
The Gay Pride Association of America
1 Commerce Plaza
Washington, D.C. 10014-40219
Membership fees enclosed
A drawing of "Ace" and "Gary" could be found on the back, also known as The Ambiguously Gay Duo. I think we can end on that note.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Fred, what do ya say...wanna be a Rastafarian? --Dave!!
[from a Post-It Note]
[Nota Bene 6/19/04: Some of these later revealed to be by Joe Ferguson and Jeff Gross. Props.]
Monday, May 19, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Monday, 19 May 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: DATE UPDATED
People seemed to like the first issue so I put together another one. Please feel free to ask me off the list if clicking "Erase" is not personal enough for you. Or if you want less contact with others, you can ask me to forward these things to your friends for you. Speaking of bad ideas, the first issue declared it was Wednesday, 6 May 2003. Funny, 6 May was a Tuesday. My sincere apologies to the Julian calendar. I will also post a copy of this on my weblog at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius just for shiggs and gitles.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
SICK OF OVERWEIGHT AMERICAN WOMEN? TRY A RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE.
*American women can have attitudes that are difficult to deal with. They are often demanding and hard to please.
*Russian women on the other hand are so unspoiled.
*Russian men are often abusive and disrespectful toward women. This is what Russian women are used to. Compared to that, the life you can give her will make her so happy and grateful. Russian women tend to be devoted adoring wives.
*Russian women see American men as kind, sensitive, respectful, understanding, compassionate and dependable. Many American women take these qualities in American men for granted. However, because of what Russian women are used to, they will never take these qualities for granted. These qualities make American men very appealing to Russian women.
*Russian women are rarely overweight. They seem more concerned with their appearance. Very attractive women are common in countries of the Former Soviet Union.
We have pictures and profiles of many of these women who are seeking a man like you. Submit your profile browse through their pictures FREE!
Reply to: nysmktngra@racingseat.com
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS SPECIAL REPORT: MASSIVE DIG UNCOVERS OLD SKELETONS, MAGAZINES
(Roto-Reuters) Newstead - Forty miles from the border - Ghastly remains of the past were unearthed again this morning. For hours, Fred painstakingly went through shallow layers of debris in the hopes of finding something of value--anything--that he could salvage from his bedroom. The area has been sealed off and is being treated as a mass garbage pit by US troops, who are sending experts to try to identify the remains.
Experts estimate that about eighteen boxes of materials, ranging from old clothes to souvenirs, newspaper clippings and important documents, were discovered on the site. Investigators believe the materials were buried relatively recently, but some items were put there as long ago as 1998, when Clinton's regime controlled much of the region.
Several catalogues of faded photographs, presumably of dead or missing relatives and friends, were also found. Most of the surrounding items appeared to have suffered from indescriminate pack-ratting.
Though some of the older remains were too old to be fully distinguishable, officials hope to piece together the last five years. "I am afraid this may be the first of many of these depositories," rightly said Fred. "There are tens of thousands of items unaccounted for in the southern section of this room."
A tiny, poorly lit cell was also discovered nearby, with metal hooks dangling from the ceiling. Although much of the complex was dilapidated, there were suggestions Fred had lived out of it until recently, with new shirts found still hanging inside.
Many of the remains on display Monday showed signs of physical trauma. Some still had faded tape tied around binder pockets and singular, unmatched socks smelled of decaying feet. Several books had large dog-ears on one side or had covers bent far back. In each open cardboard box, awards and certificates were carefully wrapped in white cloth, surrounded by scraps of receipts, bits of strings and dust bunnies.
The visible evidence of effluent cleansing drove a number of family members to wailing. "Do you see this?" a red-eyed Jerry S., 51, demanded angrily. Jerry was looking for a NordicTrack that disappeared from his house in 1999. "This is the face of chaos."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In an industry filled with buzzwords and over-inflated claims, honesty and attention to detail mean more than ever. It doesn’t pay to work with someone you can’t trust. Micah Valine Software Development combines old-fashioned craftsmanship with the latest high-tech innovations.
With hard-to-find expertise in the new Microsoft .NET platform, Micah Valine Software Development specializes in multi-tier application development that targets the web, traditional Windows desktop applications and mobile applications running on both the Palm OS and Microsoft's PocketPC platform.
See www.micahvaline.com for more details.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: CULT FETISH THREATENS CUTENESS OF NOVICE JOURNALISTIC ENDEAVOR
So I was thinking of some new stuff to put in this E-mail; something that sounded extremely serious. Then it occured to me: what if we had a News Anchor Babe of the Month! I went to the CNN Headline News website to see if I could get some names and profiles. Congratulations, Linda Stouffer! You're our first Anchor Babe! You can find out more about her at www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_r...inda.html.
But here's the rub. I decided to do some more searching to see if I could write up a funny article about Ms. Stouffer, and it got a little scary. Apparently there are a small number of people in this country that watch television news because, and pardon the pun, it turns them on. There are entire web pages devoted to female anchors that look a lot like porn sites. You can find one of these at dcwi.com/~dave/newsbabes.html. The only real difference is that the "fan pages" have pictures of fully clothed women in a sitting position. The anchors don't move from their seat, but you can find some hot, steamy pics of Ms. Stouffer smiling, smirking, talking, not talking, and blinking!
Check out Linda Stouffer, News Babe of the Month, at www.geocities.com/kryst0ph/lscnn.html. As the author of one post noted (yes, you can find a message board as well), "Linda Stouffer is the absolute most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She's classy, stylish, mysterious and competent. Not since I was a little boy have I found myself sitting so close to the TV when she's on. Having my coffee and watching her in the morning almost gives me a heart attack." Well hello, nurse!
FREDLINE FINANCIAL: CANDYBAR ALTERNATIVES
From our Indiana office comes another goldmine profit opportunity:
"To encourage you in your fundraising. I have completed my fundraising in a unique way. I put a flyer in our church bulletin asking for our members to consider donating their used “white elephant” household items to me so I could put them on EBay. One of the craziest items I got was several boxes of Colostomy Bags. The father of one of our members had a temporary colostomy and was “re-plumbed” and had leftovers. God provided over $100 for them on EBay!!"
The Internet is a blessed thing. Just think if he had to sell those door to door...
FREDLINE LIFESTYLES
Our Out-of-Context Quotes of the Week:
"Today's tip: Did you know writing in ALL CAPS is considered shouting?" --Yahoo.com
"I'm dont like pb&j how about fluffernutter! We will smell fresh and clean!" --Dawn, New York, New York
"Fred-there are a lot of pictures of frogs here, but not that many live ones " --Carrie, London, England
"I don't know how much more of this I can stand!!! Just discovered yet ANOTHER Byzantine Emperor in my background! WHATAMIGONNADOOOOOOOOOO???? Learn Greek, I guess!" --Don't Know, Don't Want to Know
"and ofcourse I love praising God and eating moms beefs stew!" --Some friend of the previous guy
EDITOR'S NOTES
I'd hate to end this on an honest note but this is important. Are you like me, constantly flipping off the newsman because you think he's full of uninformative, jingoist crap? Do you hate hearing the same five songs on the radio, fifteen times a day, for three months? Do you despise having to pay hidden "convenience fees" when buying concert tickets online? Are you not against political parties but can't stand partisanism? It's all interconnected. In the name of bigger profits, media conglomerates are gouging our wallets, straining journalistic integrity and erasing our culture. I'll let the MoveOn organization explain further:
"On June 2, the Federal Communications Commission is planning on authorizing sweeping changes to the American news media. The rule changes could allow your local TV stations, newspaper, radio stations, and cable provider to all be owned by one company. NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox could have the same corporate parent. The resulting concentration of ownership could be deeply destructive to our democracy.
"After the FCC and Congress relaxed radio ownership rules, corporate giant Clear Channel Communications swept in and bought hundreds of stations. Clear Channel has used its might to support pro-war political rallies and conservative talk shows, keep anti-war songs off its stations, coerce musicians into playing free promotional concerts, and bully them into performing at its music venues. In many towns that used to have a diverse array of radio options, Clear Channel is now the only thing on the dial.
"When we talk to Congresspeople about this issue, their response is usually the same: "We only hear from media lobbyists on this. It seems like my constituents aren't very concerned with this issue." A few thousand emails could permanently change that perception. Please join us in asking Congress and the FCC to fight media deregulation at:
"www.moveon.org/stopthefcc...lrrKCActw"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Have a ball and a biscuit -F
People seemed to like the first issue so I put together another one. Please feel free to ask me off the list if clicking "Erase" is not personal enough for you. Or if you want less contact with others, you can ask me to forward these things to your friends for you. Speaking of bad ideas, the first issue declared it was Wednesday, 6 May 2003. Funny, 6 May was a Tuesday. My sincere apologies to the Julian calendar. I will also post a copy of this on my weblog at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius just for shiggs and gitles.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
SICK OF OVERWEIGHT AMERICAN WOMEN? TRY A RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE.
*American women can have attitudes that are difficult to deal with. They are often demanding and hard to please.
*Russian women on the other hand are so unspoiled.
*Russian men are often abusive and disrespectful toward women. This is what Russian women are used to. Compared to that, the life you can give her will make her so happy and grateful. Russian women tend to be devoted adoring wives.
*Russian women see American men as kind, sensitive, respectful, understanding, compassionate and dependable. Many American women take these qualities in American men for granted. However, because of what Russian women are used to, they will never take these qualities for granted. These qualities make American men very appealing to Russian women.
*Russian women are rarely overweight. They seem more concerned with their appearance. Very attractive women are common in countries of the Former Soviet Union.
We have pictures and profiles of many of these women who are seeking a man like you. Submit your profile browse through their pictures FREE!
Reply to: nysmktngra@racingseat.com
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS SPECIAL REPORT: MASSIVE DIG UNCOVERS OLD SKELETONS, MAGAZINES
(Roto-Reuters) Newstead - Forty miles from the border - Ghastly remains of the past were unearthed again this morning. For hours, Fred painstakingly went through shallow layers of debris in the hopes of finding something of value--anything--that he could salvage from his bedroom. The area has been sealed off and is being treated as a mass garbage pit by US troops, who are sending experts to try to identify the remains.
Experts estimate that about eighteen boxes of materials, ranging from old clothes to souvenirs, newspaper clippings and important documents, were discovered on the site. Investigators believe the materials were buried relatively recently, but some items were put there as long ago as 1998, when Clinton's regime controlled much of the region.
Several catalogues of faded photographs, presumably of dead or missing relatives and friends, were also found. Most of the surrounding items appeared to have suffered from indescriminate pack-ratting.
Though some of the older remains were too old to be fully distinguishable, officials hope to piece together the last five years. "I am afraid this may be the first of many of these depositories," rightly said Fred. "There are tens of thousands of items unaccounted for in the southern section of this room."
A tiny, poorly lit cell was also discovered nearby, with metal hooks dangling from the ceiling. Although much of the complex was dilapidated, there were suggestions Fred had lived out of it until recently, with new shirts found still hanging inside.
Many of the remains on display Monday showed signs of physical trauma. Some still had faded tape tied around binder pockets and singular, unmatched socks smelled of decaying feet. Several books had large dog-ears on one side or had covers bent far back. In each open cardboard box, awards and certificates were carefully wrapped in white cloth, surrounded by scraps of receipts, bits of strings and dust bunnies.
The visible evidence of effluent cleansing drove a number of family members to wailing. "Do you see this?" a red-eyed Jerry S., 51, demanded angrily. Jerry was looking for a NordicTrack that disappeared from his house in 1999. "This is the face of chaos."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In an industry filled with buzzwords and over-inflated claims, honesty and attention to detail mean more than ever. It doesn’t pay to work with someone you can’t trust. Micah Valine Software Development combines old-fashioned craftsmanship with the latest high-tech innovations.
With hard-to-find expertise in the new Microsoft .NET platform, Micah Valine Software Development specializes in multi-tier application development that targets the web, traditional Windows desktop applications and mobile applications running on both the Palm OS and Microsoft's PocketPC platform.
See www.micahvaline.com for more details.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: CULT FETISH THREATENS CUTENESS OF NOVICE JOURNALISTIC ENDEAVOR
So I was thinking of some new stuff to put in this E-mail; something that sounded extremely serious. Then it occured to me: what if we had a News Anchor Babe of the Month! I went to the CNN Headline News website to see if I could get some names and profiles. Congratulations, Linda Stouffer! You're our first Anchor Babe! You can find out more about her at www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_r...inda.html.
But here's the rub. I decided to do some more searching to see if I could write up a funny article about Ms. Stouffer, and it got a little scary. Apparently there are a small number of people in this country that watch television news because, and pardon the pun, it turns them on. There are entire web pages devoted to female anchors that look a lot like porn sites. You can find one of these at dcwi.com/~dave/newsbabes.html. The only real difference is that the "fan pages" have pictures of fully clothed women in a sitting position. The anchors don't move from their seat, but you can find some hot, steamy pics of Ms. Stouffer smiling, smirking, talking, not talking, and blinking!
Check out Linda Stouffer, News Babe of the Month, at www.geocities.com/kryst0ph/lscnn.html. As the author of one post noted (yes, you can find a message board as well), "Linda Stouffer is the absolute most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She's classy, stylish, mysterious and competent. Not since I was a little boy have I found myself sitting so close to the TV when she's on. Having my coffee and watching her in the morning almost gives me a heart attack." Well hello, nurse!
FREDLINE FINANCIAL: CANDYBAR ALTERNATIVES
From our Indiana office comes another goldmine profit opportunity:
"To encourage you in your fundraising. I have completed my fundraising in a unique way. I put a flyer in our church bulletin asking for our members to consider donating their used “white elephant” household items to me so I could put them on EBay. One of the craziest items I got was several boxes of Colostomy Bags. The father of one of our members had a temporary colostomy and was “re-plumbed” and had leftovers. God provided over $100 for them on EBay!!"
The Internet is a blessed thing. Just think if he had to sell those door to door...
FREDLINE LIFESTYLES
Our Out-of-Context Quotes of the Week:
"Today's tip: Did you know writing in ALL CAPS is considered shouting?" --Yahoo.com
"I'm dont like pb&j how about fluffernutter! We will smell fresh and clean!" --Dawn, New York, New York
"Fred-there are a lot of pictures of frogs here, but not that many live ones " --Carrie, London, England
"I don't know how much more of this I can stand!!! Just discovered yet ANOTHER Byzantine Emperor in my background! WHATAMIGONNADOOOOOOOOOO???? Learn Greek, I guess!" --Don't Know, Don't Want to Know
"and ofcourse I love praising God and eating moms beefs stew!" --Some friend of the previous guy
EDITOR'S NOTES
I'd hate to end this on an honest note but this is important. Are you like me, constantly flipping off the newsman because you think he's full of uninformative, jingoist crap? Do you hate hearing the same five songs on the radio, fifteen times a day, for three months? Do you despise having to pay hidden "convenience fees" when buying concert tickets online? Are you not against political parties but can't stand partisanism? It's all interconnected. In the name of bigger profits, media conglomerates are gouging our wallets, straining journalistic integrity and erasing our culture. I'll let the MoveOn organization explain further:
"On June 2, the Federal Communications Commission is planning on authorizing sweeping changes to the American news media. The rule changes could allow your local TV stations, newspaper, radio stations, and cable provider to all be owned by one company. NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox could have the same corporate parent. The resulting concentration of ownership could be deeply destructive to our democracy.
"After the FCC and Congress relaxed radio ownership rules, corporate giant Clear Channel Communications swept in and bought hundreds of stations. Clear Channel has used its might to support pro-war political rallies and conservative talk shows, keep anti-war songs off its stations, coerce musicians into playing free promotional concerts, and bully them into performing at its music venues. In many towns that used to have a diverse array of radio options, Clear Channel is now the only thing on the dial.
"When we talk to Congresspeople about this issue, their response is usually the same: "We only hear from media lobbyists on this. It seems like my constituents aren't very concerned with this issue." A few thousand emails could permanently change that perception. Please join us in asking Congress and the FCC to fight media deregulation at:
"www.moveon.org/stopthefcc...lrrKCActw"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Have a ball and a biscuit -F
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Wednesday, 6 May 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FIRST EVER FREDLINE NEWS
And possibly the last, but let's see how it works out. I might do this once a week or so. If you don't want these E-mails, just Reply and say "Unsubscribe" or "You're A Horrible Person" or something similar. I used to make a weblog, so I'll just post this there instead. It's at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius in case you're interested. Hey, if this is the first issue, it's not an update it's not an update, is it? Huh.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR PENS BY 2-3 INCHES!
Patented technology stretches your pens up to 30%! Thousands of our customers enjoy their new, longer-lasting pens! Why hurt your performance time having to reload your old, short pens? Impress your spouse, friends, and family today!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: MY CAT IS DISGUSTING
One night I came home and like usual, my cat followed me in. We have two cats, actually. One is black and white, and stupid. His name is Billy but we usually just call him Stupid. The one I let in is named Kramer, and he's pretty cool. But he's gross. So I started walking to the living room when I almost trip over Kramer, who's hunched down on the ground, refusing to move. It looked like he was trying to trap something. I stood back to get a good view and found the cat with half a mouse in his mouth, and the other half (the part with the tail) hanging out. The first thing I thought was "Why did he bring that inside?" Then the cat, with the mouse still in its mouth, whipped his head up real fast so the mouse flew like 10 feet in the air before landing on a chair in the dining room. The cat ran to pounce on it, and with the body between its teeth did one of those things that dogs do where they eat meat by shaking their head and growling. But the cat didn't eat it yet, it still wanted to play. (To which my second thought was, "Why doesn't he just eat it?") Then he body-slammed the mouse back on the floor again. I went outside to find a shovel to get rid of the mouse, not to bury it, but to find something to pick it up that had a long pole attached to it. When I came back to the house the cat was still going ape wild over this mouse, which upon further inspection was still alive, heart beating a mile a minute, with three giant holes in its underside and too scared to move. I got it on the shovel, walked outside, and catapulted it away.
For the rest of the night Kramer stood on his hind legs against the screen door, meowing to go outside. I knew what he was up to. And he kept looking back at me like "I have to go outside, and uh, do some stuff. I mean really, REALLY have to go outside now. It's important Cat Stuff, you wouldn't understand." Yeah right, Kramer. Now be a good cat and lick my dinner plate clean....On second thought, don't this time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: FRED GETS FREE QUR'AN, NO SERIOUS INJURIES
Today at 4:30 PM EST the FREDLINE NEWS offices received a package from the Royal Embassy of Saudi Arabia's Islamic Affairs. It had Arab writing on the box and everything. Knowing exactly what it was, our Senior Editor opened it, much to the dismay of Jerry, one of our Copy Editors. Questions raised ranged from "What's that?" to "Are you sure it's not a bomb?" FREDLINE NEWS would also like to report that they expected some cheap paperback copy of the Qur'an but this is a really nice hardcover, and that you can request free copies from www.iad.org. When asked about the book, our Senior Editor replied that "free stuff" is always good and reminisced about the Good Ol' Days when you spelled Qur'an with a K.
FREDLINE LIFESTYLES
The following is a true story by a "Jamie K." who submitted this story to the "UB Embarrassed" contest for the University at Buffalo's "Visions" newsletter:
"I have a serious gastric problem, so whenever I can't hold it back I try to make a joke like "pull my finger" or something. One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went in to my room to get dressed. My girlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to fart I said, "this is how much I love you" and at the same time I dropped a BIG surprise on the floor. It surprised me as much as her. I looked at my girl who had a look of horror on her face and my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe I had just took a dump on the floor in front of my girlfriend. I screamed to her "don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers. We broke up later that day and I haven't heard from her since."
FREDLINE WORD OF THE DAY: "FERGUSONIAN"
fur*GOO*so*Nee*enne
The act of offering advice without adequate life experience to back it up. Example:
"Joe": Fred. Listen. Listen to me for a second. This is what women want:
"Fred": How do you know what women want?
"Joe": I don't. But hear me out here...
"Fred": Why, are you a woman?
"Joe": Shut up.
"Fred": "Joe," sometimes you're so...Fergusonian...
EDITOR'S NOTES
Go ahead and forward this if you're bored. If anyone else wants this they can also E-mail me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS EXTRA: WORLD CELEBRATES FRED'S BIRTHDAY
Fred's Birthday's Highlights in History
On April 25, 1792, highwayman Nicolas Jacques Pelletier became the first person under French law to be executed by the guillotine.
In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.
In 1898, the United States formally declared war on Spain.
In 1901, New York became the first state to require automobile license plates; the fee was $1.
In 1945, during World War II, U.S. and Soviet forces linked up on the Elbe River, a meeting that dramatized the collapse of Nazi Germany's defenses.
In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
In 1959, the St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping.
In 1983, Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith to visit his country after receiving a letter in which the Manchester, Maine, schoolgirl expressed fears about nuclear war.
In 1983, the ``Pioneer Ten'' spacecraft crossed Pluto's orbit, speeding on its endless voyage through the Milky Way.
In 1990, Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua, ending eleven years of leftist Sandinista rule.
In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope was deployed from the space shuttle Discovery.
Ten years ago: Hundreds of thousands of gay rights activists and their supporters marched in Washington D.C., demanding equal rights and freedom from discrimination. Voters in Russia participated in a referendum, giving President Boris N. Yeltsin a sturdy vote of confidence.
Five years ago: Whitewater prosecutors questioned first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on videotape about her work as a private lawyer for the failed savings and loan at the center of the investigation.
One year ago: President Bush hosted Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at his Texas ranch for a day of talks. The House voted 405-9 to abolish the embattled Immigration and Naturalization Service. Lisa ``Left Eye'' Lopes, the effervescent, sometimes volatile member of the Grammy-winning trio TLC, died in a car crash in Honduras; she was 30.
Today's Birthdays
Basketball Hall of Fame electee George ``Meadowlark'' Lemon is 71. Songwriter Jerry Leiber is 70. Actor Al Pacino is 63. Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 58. Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 58. Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers) is 53. Actor Hank Azaria ("Moe" from "The Simpsons") is 39. Rock singer Andy Bell (Erasure) is 39. Rock musician Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) is 38. Actress Renee Zellweger is 34.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
And possibly the last, but let's see how it works out. I might do this once a week or so. If you don't want these E-mails, just Reply and say "Unsubscribe" or "You're A Horrible Person" or something similar. I used to make a weblog, so I'll just post this there instead. It's at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius in case you're interested. Hey, if this is the first issue, it's not an update it's not an update, is it? Huh.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR PENS BY 2-3 INCHES!
Patented technology stretches your pens up to 30%! Thousands of our customers enjoy their new, longer-lasting pens! Why hurt your performance time having to reload your old, short pens? Impress your spouse, friends, and family today!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: MY CAT IS DISGUSTING
One night I came home and like usual, my cat followed me in. We have two cats, actually. One is black and white, and stupid. His name is Billy but we usually just call him Stupid. The one I let in is named Kramer, and he's pretty cool. But he's gross. So I started walking to the living room when I almost trip over Kramer, who's hunched down on the ground, refusing to move. It looked like he was trying to trap something. I stood back to get a good view and found the cat with half a mouse in his mouth, and the other half (the part with the tail) hanging out. The first thing I thought was "Why did he bring that inside?" Then the cat, with the mouse still in its mouth, whipped his head up real fast so the mouse flew like 10 feet in the air before landing on a chair in the dining room. The cat ran to pounce on it, and with the body between its teeth did one of those things that dogs do where they eat meat by shaking their head and growling. But the cat didn't eat it yet, it still wanted to play. (To which my second thought was, "Why doesn't he just eat it?") Then he body-slammed the mouse back on the floor again. I went outside to find a shovel to get rid of the mouse, not to bury it, but to find something to pick it up that had a long pole attached to it. When I came back to the house the cat was still going ape wild over this mouse, which upon further inspection was still alive, heart beating a mile a minute, with three giant holes in its underside and too scared to move. I got it on the shovel, walked outside, and catapulted it away.
For the rest of the night Kramer stood on his hind legs against the screen door, meowing to go outside. I knew what he was up to. And he kept looking back at me like "I have to go outside, and uh, do some stuff. I mean really, REALLY have to go outside now. It's important Cat Stuff, you wouldn't understand." Yeah right, Kramer. Now be a good cat and lick my dinner plate clean....On second thought, don't this time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: FRED GETS FREE QUR'AN, NO SERIOUS INJURIES
Today at 4:30 PM EST the FREDLINE NEWS offices received a package from the Royal Embassy of Saudi Arabia's Islamic Affairs. It had Arab writing on the box and everything. Knowing exactly what it was, our Senior Editor opened it, much to the dismay of Jerry, one of our Copy Editors. Questions raised ranged from "What's that?" to "Are you sure it's not a bomb?" FREDLINE NEWS would also like to report that they expected some cheap paperback copy of the Qur'an but this is a really nice hardcover, and that you can request free copies from www.iad.org. When asked about the book, our Senior Editor replied that "free stuff" is always good and reminisced about the Good Ol' Days when you spelled Qur'an with a K.
FREDLINE LIFESTYLES
The following is a true story by a "Jamie K." who submitted this story to the "UB Embarrassed" contest for the University at Buffalo's "Visions" newsletter:
"I have a serious gastric problem, so whenever I can't hold it back I try to make a joke like "pull my finger" or something. One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went in to my room to get dressed. My girlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to fart I said, "this is how much I love you" and at the same time I dropped a BIG surprise on the floor. It surprised me as much as her. I looked at my girl who had a look of horror on her face and my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe I had just took a dump on the floor in front of my girlfriend. I screamed to her "don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers. We broke up later that day and I haven't heard from her since."
FREDLINE WORD OF THE DAY: "FERGUSONIAN"
fur*GOO*so*Nee*enne
The act of offering advice without adequate life experience to back it up. Example:
"Joe": Fred. Listen. Listen to me for a second. This is what women want:
"Fred": How do you know what women want?
"Joe": I don't. But hear me out here...
"Fred": Why, are you a woman?
"Joe": Shut up.
"Fred": "Joe," sometimes you're so...Fergusonian...
EDITOR'S NOTES
Go ahead and forward this if you're bored. If anyone else wants this they can also E-mail me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS EXTRA: WORLD CELEBRATES FRED'S BIRTHDAY
Fred's Birthday's Highlights in History
On April 25, 1792, highwayman Nicolas Jacques Pelletier became the first person under French law to be executed by the guillotine.
In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.
In 1898, the United States formally declared war on Spain.
In 1901, New York became the first state to require automobile license plates; the fee was $1.
In 1945, during World War II, U.S. and Soviet forces linked up on the Elbe River, a meeting that dramatized the collapse of Nazi Germany's defenses.
In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
In 1959, the St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping.
In 1983, Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith to visit his country after receiving a letter in which the Manchester, Maine, schoolgirl expressed fears about nuclear war.
In 1983, the ``Pioneer Ten'' spacecraft crossed Pluto's orbit, speeding on its endless voyage through the Milky Way.
In 1990, Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua, ending eleven years of leftist Sandinista rule.
In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope was deployed from the space shuttle Discovery.
Ten years ago: Hundreds of thousands of gay rights activists and their supporters marched in Washington D.C., demanding equal rights and freedom from discrimination. Voters in Russia participated in a referendum, giving President Boris N. Yeltsin a sturdy vote of confidence.
Five years ago: Whitewater prosecutors questioned first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on videotape about her work as a private lawyer for the failed savings and loan at the center of the investigation.
One year ago: President Bush hosted Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at his Texas ranch for a day of talks. The House voted 405-9 to abolish the embattled Immigration and Naturalization Service. Lisa ``Left Eye'' Lopes, the effervescent, sometimes volatile member of the Grammy-winning trio TLC, died in a car crash in Honduras; she was 30.
Today's Birthdays
Basketball Hall of Fame electee George ``Meadowlark'' Lemon is 71. Songwriter Jerry Leiber is 70. Actor Al Pacino is 63. Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 58. Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 58. Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers) is 53. Actor Hank Azaria ("Moe" from "The Simpsons") is 39. Rock singer Andy Bell (Erasure) is 39. Rock musician Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) is 38. Actress Renee Zellweger is 34.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Oh No
I was thinking about my weblog, as I often do, and decided that I didn't want to do it anymore. It was fun enough, but then I got busier and more bored. I'm surprised people read the stupid thing, actually. Anyway, after this semester ends I think I'll start a newsletter-type E-mail thing instead. So rather than one post a day, I'll do a weekly something-or-other. Maybe I'll call it "Fredline News." Maybe I won't, so there! But in either case I will still post it here on my blog board after it goes out. If you want it, just send me your E-mail address, but chances are you're going to get one anyway. I can't think of any strangers that read these entries. So I'll conclude on that note...wait, no I won't. Friday is my birthday; everybody should give me gifts I don't deserve. I feel relieved already. Thanks for reading so far...
-ts0
-ts0
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
CD: White Stripes, "Elephant"
I just wrote this in an E-mail to someone else, but it was a pretty good summary of my day:
"OK, so I went to UB because some friends and I bought tickets to a concert a long time ago and Joe was going to sell an extra one we had to someone he knows, and I had to bring him the extra ticket. I was going to use their library anyway to do homework, and be there all day. So I met him at Best Buy (we went to buy the new White Stripes album as well) and he says "Fred, my muffler fell off!" Sure enough, it was gone. So we buy our CDs, and Joe has to go to UB for a meeting, so we decide that he'll take the car to a garage later, and I'll take him home from there. After a couple of hours, he calls my cell phone from the parking lot (I knew it'd come in handy!) and says "Fred, your tire is flat." Sure enough, it was flat. So we decide to take off the tire, put it in Joe's car, and see if the garage can help us both out. It ends up being too late, so Joe tells the guy he'll leave the car there overnight, and we go looking for another tire place. We find one and give them the tire, and it happened to be across the street from Guitar Center so we paid my brother a visit at work. We also played on the keyboards. (Whee!) The tire place calls me on my cell phone (I knew it'd come in handy!) and says my tire is too messed up to get fixed. I call my father (handy!) and ask his advise; he says I should buy two tires for the car if the place is open long enough to put them on. We go back to UB to get my car, and too late, the place is closing. So we drop off Joe's car at the other garage, and we're hungry, so we go to Duff's. We both order the 20-wing Combo Meal that comes with a bowl of fries and a pitcher of pop. I eat all of mine and am very proud. Joe can only eat half of his, but somehow he makes fun of my accomplishments. The nerve! So then I drop him off, and here I am at Buff State, almost nine hours later than when I said I would start my homework, with one of those dinky little spare tires attached to my car. I'll probably be home around 3 AM."
I just wrote this in an E-mail to someone else, but it was a pretty good summary of my day:
"OK, so I went to UB because some friends and I bought tickets to a concert a long time ago and Joe was going to sell an extra one we had to someone he knows, and I had to bring him the extra ticket. I was going to use their library anyway to do homework, and be there all day. So I met him at Best Buy (we went to buy the new White Stripes album as well) and he says "Fred, my muffler fell off!" Sure enough, it was gone. So we buy our CDs, and Joe has to go to UB for a meeting, so we decide that he'll take the car to a garage later, and I'll take him home from there. After a couple of hours, he calls my cell phone from the parking lot (I knew it'd come in handy!) and says "Fred, your tire is flat." Sure enough, it was flat. So we decide to take off the tire, put it in Joe's car, and see if the garage can help us both out. It ends up being too late, so Joe tells the guy he'll leave the car there overnight, and we go looking for another tire place. We find one and give them the tire, and it happened to be across the street from Guitar Center so we paid my brother a visit at work. We also played on the keyboards. (Whee!) The tire place calls me on my cell phone (I knew it'd come in handy!) and says my tire is too messed up to get fixed. I call my father (handy!) and ask his advise; he says I should buy two tires for the car if the place is open long enough to put them on. We go back to UB to get my car, and too late, the place is closing. So we drop off Joe's car at the other garage, and we're hungry, so we go to Duff's. We both order the 20-wing Combo Meal that comes with a bowl of fries and a pitcher of pop. I eat all of mine and am very proud. Joe can only eat half of his, but somehow he makes fun of my accomplishments. The nerve! So then I drop him off, and here I am at Buff State, almost nine hours later than when I said I would start my homework, with one of those dinky little spare tires attached to my car. I'll probably be home around 3 AM."
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
CD: Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Chronicle"
Mmm...swearing. It seems that swearing is funnier when you don't say the words. On The Osbournes in Britain, nothing is censored out, and the ratings are lower. Maybe people just like to think harsh words but not hear them. I also think that TV networks, et cetera do not want to offend anyone, even though everybody has heard those words a million times before and it probably doesn't shock anyone anymore. Then you get people that like to swear but don't want to say the words, so they create banal substitutes. "Oh Sugar" is something my father says a lot. I'm still waiting for the day when he's actually talking about sugar: "Oh Sugar! I forgot to buy some sugar!" Something like that.
Maybe that's a bad example. I have a pastor that says "Oh Dog" in conversation. I think that's the worst, especially since he has a dog. I wonder what she thinks about being cursed with? Poor Pebbles.
Mmm...swearing. It seems that swearing is funnier when you don't say the words. On The Osbournes in Britain, nothing is censored out, and the ratings are lower. Maybe people just like to think harsh words but not hear them. I also think that TV networks, et cetera do not want to offend anyone, even though everybody has heard those words a million times before and it probably doesn't shock anyone anymore. Then you get people that like to swear but don't want to say the words, so they create banal substitutes. "Oh Sugar" is something my father says a lot. I'm still waiting for the day when he's actually talking about sugar: "Oh Sugar! I forgot to buy some sugar!" Something like that.
Maybe that's a bad example. I have a pastor that says "Oh Dog" in conversation. I think that's the worst, especially since he has a dog. I wonder what she thinks about being cursed with? Poor Pebbles.
Monday, March 31, 2003
CD: Frank Sinatra, "The Very Good Years"
Now my entire family is hooked on Subway subs. Today I had my fourth in a week. That's right! The delicious taste of Subway subs has come home. A new franchise opened up near my house ("near" is like six miles away over here) and my father decided to check it out. Now he can't get enough, and has already filled enough Sub Club cards to get a free sub and then some! Woo! Sometimes when my family is eating them at home people will just randomly say things like "I really like their choice of bread; it's great that they make it right in the store" and "it doesn't bog you down like regular subs; it fills you up without making you full!" as if they were that Jerod guy or something. So here's the deal, Subway: put us in your commercials as The Subway Family, watch your sales go through the roof, and then give us free subs for the rest of our days! Rock over London, rock on Chicago, Subway: eat fresh! Whee!
Now my entire family is hooked on Subway subs. Today I had my fourth in a week. That's right! The delicious taste of Subway subs has come home. A new franchise opened up near my house ("near" is like six miles away over here) and my father decided to check it out. Now he can't get enough, and has already filled enough Sub Club cards to get a free sub and then some! Woo! Sometimes when my family is eating them at home people will just randomly say things like "I really like their choice of bread; it's great that they make it right in the store" and "it doesn't bog you down like regular subs; it fills you up without making you full!" as if they were that Jerod guy or something. So here's the deal, Subway: put us in your commercials as The Subway Family, watch your sales go through the roof, and then give us free subs for the rest of our days! Rock over London, rock on Chicago, Subway: eat fresh! Whee!
Sunday, March 30, 2003
CD: Coldplay, "A Rush Of Blood To The Head"
I do wonder how many people in the news departments of America realize that something like "Operation: Iraqi Freedom" proves by its own name that its portrayal by the United States Government is propaganda at the very least. I don't know about you, but when the people of a nation really want to be liberated, shouldn't they do it themselves? Heck, even the French knew that. So why can't the Iraqis? Are they lazy? Or maybe it's something worse: they don't want to overtake Saddam Hussein. And if I may compare Iraq to the American and French Revolutions (and even the Bolshevik Revolution), when those countries were "liberated" they Stopped being controlled by foreign powers, not the opposite. Why should the United States do something that a people should earn for themselves? Bah!
I do wonder how many people in the news departments of America realize that something like "Operation: Iraqi Freedom" proves by its own name that its portrayal by the United States Government is propaganda at the very least. I don't know about you, but when the people of a nation really want to be liberated, shouldn't they do it themselves? Heck, even the French knew that. So why can't the Iraqis? Are they lazy? Or maybe it's something worse: they don't want to overtake Saddam Hussein. And if I may compare Iraq to the American and French Revolutions (and even the Bolshevik Revolution), when those countries were "liberated" they Stopped being controlled by foreign powers, not the opposite. Why should the United States do something that a people should earn for themselves? Bah!
Saturday, March 29, 2003
CD: White Stripes, "White Stripes"
Bork. Borken ze bork? Papa oom pow pow, shimmy shimmy ya. De do do do, de da da da. Ooh la la, be bop a loola. Aloha oye. Hibbity Jibbity. Deyyyo. Dey ey ey o. Ooh ahh oh. Seebeegeebees. Oompa loompa doompity doo. Jibberwocky flim-flam. Wowie zowie. Eee-aye eee-aye oh. Schwing. Do do do-DO do do do-DO do DO do-do doot do do-do. Emm aye ess ess aye ess ess aye pee pee aye. Elememopy. Oh wee oh, we ohh-oh. I ran out of ideas for posts months ago. Why are you still reading?
Q: What is your idea of a perfect date?
A: "I'd have to say April 25th....Because it's not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!" --"Miss Congeniality"
Bork. Borken ze bork? Papa oom pow pow, shimmy shimmy ya. De do do do, de da da da. Ooh la la, be bop a loola. Aloha oye. Hibbity Jibbity. Deyyyo. Dey ey ey o. Ooh ahh oh. Seebeegeebees. Oompa loompa doompity doo. Jibberwocky flim-flam. Wowie zowie. Eee-aye eee-aye oh. Schwing. Do do do-DO do do do-DO do DO do-do doot do do-do. Emm aye ess ess aye ess ess aye pee pee aye. Elememopy. Oh wee oh, we ohh-oh. I ran out of ideas for posts months ago. Why are you still reading?
Q: What is your idea of a perfect date?
A: "I'd have to say April 25th....Because it's not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!" --"Miss Congeniality"
Friday, March 28, 2003
CD: The Donnas, "Spend The Night"
Whilst bowling this night, I happened perchance to partake of a faulty bowling ball returning machine. For some reason the balls would not come back from the magical chute in the ground! So I've been thinking about it, and just what goes on begind those pins, anyway? I know Fred Flintstone had a pterydactyl (sp?) putting his day's work in, putting up carved-rock pins and making funny little comments, but what about today? And how do you keep score in a bowling game? How does 10 times 10 equal 100? One thing has never changed, and it is the definition of the bowling experience: Shoes. I'm going to call Calvin Klein and suggest a bowling clothes line--the untucked, shiny, button shirts, sure, but the multi-colored, pseudo-leather shoes are the epitome of retro fashion! It's like stepping your feet into 1978. If you could only wear them to interviews...
Whilst bowling this night, I happened perchance to partake of a faulty bowling ball returning machine. For some reason the balls would not come back from the magical chute in the ground! So I've been thinking about it, and just what goes on begind those pins, anyway? I know Fred Flintstone had a pterydactyl (sp?) putting his day's work in, putting up carved-rock pins and making funny little comments, but what about today? And how do you keep score in a bowling game? How does 10 times 10 equal 100? One thing has never changed, and it is the definition of the bowling experience: Shoes. I'm going to call Calvin Klein and suggest a bowling clothes line--the untucked, shiny, button shirts, sure, but the multi-colored, pseudo-leather shoes are the epitome of retro fashion! It's like stepping your feet into 1978. If you could only wear them to interviews...
Thursday, March 27, 2003
CD: Marvin Gaye, "What's Going On?"
What IS going on? For the fourth time in three weeks I have gotten lost at the University of Buffalo. Seeing how I've gone there sporadically for the past two years now for research purposes, wouldn't I know my way around by now? NOOOOO! What's up with that? The other day I drove around the campus, deftly maneuvering the I-290, the Millersport Highway, Niagara Falls Boulevard and some wierd private access road to make a beautiful circle ten miles in diameter. I wanted to go in a straight line! Argh! Today I had to be at a class in half an hour, and of course I drove out of a completely different exit that I went into and got lost, and late. How is that possible if I take the same road I came IN campus with and end up OUT of campus two streets away? And why haven't I bought a compass after all this time? Bork!!
What IS going on? For the fourth time in three weeks I have gotten lost at the University of Buffalo. Seeing how I've gone there sporadically for the past two years now for research purposes, wouldn't I know my way around by now? NOOOOO! What's up with that? The other day I drove around the campus, deftly maneuvering the I-290, the Millersport Highway, Niagara Falls Boulevard and some wierd private access road to make a beautiful circle ten miles in diameter. I wanted to go in a straight line! Argh! Today I had to be at a class in half an hour, and of course I drove out of a completely different exit that I went into and got lost, and late. How is that possible if I take the same road I came IN campus with and end up OUT of campus two streets away? And why haven't I bought a compass after all this time? Bork!!
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
CD: Guided By Voices, "Isolation Drills"
There is a bookcase in my room that is about six feet high...in parts. We found it one Christmas when the neighbors across the street threw it out. Covered with ice, we brought it upstairs. The wood is all bent up now, and it is probably getting worse because now it is loaded with a couple hundred books I don't read and another couple hundred records I don't listen to, not to mention the yearbooks I am ashamed to look at placed next to the stereo I can barely reach. Yet there it all sits. It's a monolith of furniture and an archives depository all at once. Now that it is full, what do I do with it? Should I go find more garbage as an add-on? should I buy Real bookshelves? Wait for an earthquake and see what's left? Good thing I don't really care.
There is a bookcase in my room that is about six feet high...in parts. We found it one Christmas when the neighbors across the street threw it out. Covered with ice, we brought it upstairs. The wood is all bent up now, and it is probably getting worse because now it is loaded with a couple hundred books I don't read and another couple hundred records I don't listen to, not to mention the yearbooks I am ashamed to look at placed next to the stereo I can barely reach. Yet there it all sits. It's a monolith of furniture and an archives depository all at once. Now that it is full, what do I do with it? Should I go find more garbage as an add-on? should I buy Real bookshelves? Wait for an earthquake and see what's left? Good thing I don't really care.
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
CD: Weezer, "Weezer" [2001]
If I don't turn off the television, I end up watching the war for eight hours, and that just can't be healthy. The satellite dish gives me about eight differnet channels to watch...I got ABC, NBC, CBS, ITV, BBC, CBC, NWI, CNBC, CNN, CNNFN, MSNBC, KMFDM, LMNOP, and, of course, NWA. All I know is that you can get those nasty pictures on Al-Jazeera's website even without reading Arabic, that the "War Desk" on CNNFN has my laptop on it, and that first night where they were blowing stuff up like crazy? THAT was fun, admit it! I do wonder how much less news I'd have to watch if the US and Iraq could stop using all that rhetoric about how victory is inevitable, and our soldiers are brave and courageous, bork bork bork. Maybe from eight hours to seven.
If I don't turn off the television, I end up watching the war for eight hours, and that just can't be healthy. The satellite dish gives me about eight differnet channels to watch...I got ABC, NBC, CBS, ITV, BBC, CBC, NWI, CNBC, CNN, CNNFN, MSNBC, KMFDM, LMNOP, and, of course, NWA. All I know is that you can get those nasty pictures on Al-Jazeera's website even without reading Arabic, that the "War Desk" on CNNFN has my laptop on it, and that first night where they were blowing stuff up like crazy? THAT was fun, admit it! I do wonder how much less news I'd have to watch if the US and Iraq could stop using all that rhetoric about how victory is inevitable, and our soldiers are brave and courageous, bork bork bork. Maybe from eight hours to seven.
Monday, March 24, 2003
CD: Moby, "Play"
I recently bought a cell phone. That means you have to write to all of your friends and give them your new number, which they will easily forget the first couple of times they need to call you. That's not a problem. The most disappointing thing in my situation, however--and this was pointed out to me by one of the friends I wrote to--was that my E-mail was sent out to nine people. Nine. Sad, huh? I pay $35 dollars a month so I can talk to nine people. Four of them live in my house. Or is it more depressing when one of them writes back and makes fun of you for only writing to nine people? Or that he just got a cell phone, too, and will probably only call three or four people with it? Or that it's 11:20 on a Monday morning and I still haven't gotten out of bed? Alas.
I recently bought a cell phone. That means you have to write to all of your friends and give them your new number, which they will easily forget the first couple of times they need to call you. That's not a problem. The most disappointing thing in my situation, however--and this was pointed out to me by one of the friends I wrote to--was that my E-mail was sent out to nine people. Nine. Sad, huh? I pay $35 dollars a month so I can talk to nine people. Four of them live in my house. Or is it more depressing when one of them writes back and makes fun of you for only writing to nine people? Or that he just got a cell phone, too, and will probably only call three or four people with it? Or that it's 11:20 on a Monday morning and I still haven't gotten out of bed? Alas.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
CD: Pavement, "Slanted And Enchanted" (deluxe)
It is 12:10 AM. What a great day this March 23rd has been! Definitely in the top 1000 of good days. What did I do today? Oh, gee...let me think. Well, I was reading this newspaper, as I am wont to do sometimes, and it was really interesting! Yeah! But then I thought to myself, "Hey, I wonder if I have any E-mail to check." So about halfway through the day, at about 12:05 AM, I checked my E-mail! I didn't have any! Wow! I wonder if I'll ever get any more. I guess only time will tell, huh? Already a mystery. Then I decided that since it was a new day, I would add to my weblog. I was listening to my Pavement album the night before, so I started of my new post with the title of the album I had played. Coincidence? No, silly! Then I started writing my weblog. It was about 12:10 in the morning by then. Well, what a day! I better get some rest. Toodles for now!
It is 12:10 AM. What a great day this March 23rd has been! Definitely in the top 1000 of good days. What did I do today? Oh, gee...let me think. Well, I was reading this newspaper, as I am wont to do sometimes, and it was really interesting! Yeah! But then I thought to myself, "Hey, I wonder if I have any E-mail to check." So about halfway through the day, at about 12:05 AM, I checked my E-mail! I didn't have any! Wow! I wonder if I'll ever get any more. I guess only time will tell, huh? Already a mystery. Then I decided that since it was a new day, I would add to my weblog. I was listening to my Pavement album the night before, so I started of my new post with the title of the album I had played. Coincidence? No, silly! Then I started writing my weblog. It was about 12:10 in the morning by then. Well, what a day! I better get some rest. Toodles for now!
Saturday, March 22, 2003
CD: Rage Against The Machine, "Rage Against The Machine"
Spring Break has been a wash. Compared to previous Spring Breaks, where I was out of town and on vacation, I have done some homework. So this is a 100% increase. Yet, thirty minutes isn't exactly going to help me out like I'd hoped. On one hand, I did go bowling last night. It was much more enjoyable than, say, a study of 17th century Dutch economics. I really don't know how to fully articulate what I'm saying, because I was out all night and didn't get any sleep, but it's too bad I didn't get any papers done. I'll just have to blame the war or something. That darned Saddam! Why couldn't he be like that nice Timothy McVeigh boy and be easier to catch?! Hmm, I probably shouldn't have said that...like that. Wait, what did I just say? I better get some sleep...it's a good reason for not starting more homework, too...
Spring Break has been a wash. Compared to previous Spring Breaks, where I was out of town and on vacation, I have done some homework. So this is a 100% increase. Yet, thirty minutes isn't exactly going to help me out like I'd hoped. On one hand, I did go bowling last night. It was much more enjoyable than, say, a study of 17th century Dutch economics. I really don't know how to fully articulate what I'm saying, because I was out all night and didn't get any sleep, but it's too bad I didn't get any papers done. I'll just have to blame the war or something. That darned Saddam! Why couldn't he be like that nice Timothy McVeigh boy and be easier to catch?! Hmm, I probably shouldn't have said that...like that. Wait, what did I just say? I better get some sleep...it's a good reason for not starting more homework, too...
Thursday, March 20, 2003
CD: various, "Negros Blues And Hollers"
Most every night, my father sits on the couch once he gets home and doesn't get up. He eventually falls asleep on the couch, snoring and keeping me awake. Then I have to close my bedroom door and since the heater is in my room, the building goes cold while my room gets to be about 90 degrees, so I have to keep a window cracked open in the middle of winter. So last night I put my foot down. Well, my butt. I got home first, grabbed my laptop, the remote and a book. I laid on that couch for several hours before he got home. He sat on one end of the couch and started nodding off, except for the couple of times he would turn his head, slowly open his eyes and see if I was still there. You could see the disappointment in him. A couple of times he would mumble something about "Well I guess I should go to bed soon..." right before he would glance at me. At about 1:30 he finally capitulated and went to his bedroom for good. I had won the night. I told my sister what I did and we celebrated for several seconds. Then I told her I was tired out too from all my squatting and I went to bed. The end.
Edited by: TomServo0 at: 3/20/03 2:45:36 am
Most every night, my father sits on the couch once he gets home and doesn't get up. He eventually falls asleep on the couch, snoring and keeping me awake. Then I have to close my bedroom door and since the heater is in my room, the building goes cold while my room gets to be about 90 degrees, so I have to keep a window cracked open in the middle of winter. So last night I put my foot down. Well, my butt. I got home first, grabbed my laptop, the remote and a book. I laid on that couch for several hours before he got home. He sat on one end of the couch and started nodding off, except for the couple of times he would turn his head, slowly open his eyes and see if I was still there. You could see the disappointment in him. A couple of times he would mumble something about "Well I guess I should go to bed soon..." right before he would glance at me. At about 1:30 he finally capitulated and went to his bedroom for good. I had won the night. I told my sister what I did and we celebrated for several seconds. Then I told her I was tired out too from all my squatting and I went to bed. The end.
Edited by: TomServo0 at: 3/20/03 2:45:36 am
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
