Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Waiting for Hank's Ass

This has been going around. I think I found all the curse words (to put them back in). . . .

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I
answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely
dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss
Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's
Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a
million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shiat
out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank
built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what
ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a
million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you
want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss
on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh, yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money
until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you
don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left
town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left
town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you
the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you
leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a
small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar
bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of
bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take
the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass
he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the
details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of
his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes
it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us
all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was
take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said
there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his
ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years
ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on
From the desk of Karl letterhead. There were eleven
items listed:

1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million
dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this
is actually Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What
sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people
just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says, 'Everything Hanks says is right.'
That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing

John: "No way! Item 5 says, 'Hank dictated this list
himself.' Besides, item 2 says, 'Use alcohol in
moderation,' item 4 says, 'Eat right,' and item 8
says, 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.'
Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest
must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says, 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go
with item 2, and 6 says, 'The moon is made of green
cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9
just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been
to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that
the moon is made of rock...."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the
Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as
easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory
that the moon came from the Earth has been discounted.
Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't
make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make
mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the
list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated
it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list
says so. That's circular logic, no different than
saying, 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see
someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But.... oh, never mind. What's the deal with

Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no
condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's
no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners
chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not
listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil
deviant would eat that...."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you
were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When
Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there,
counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass
for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and
sped off.

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