Special thanks to Ward E for posting transcriptions of my favorite TV show, including this classic "term paper" from episode 510:
Rutherford B. Hayes
by Crow T. Robot
Rutherford B. Hayes was born humbly to his own son, Rutherford B. Hayes Jr, in Delaware, while it was still Ohio, sometime after the French Revolution. Rejecting a career as a professional speller, he was admitted to the bar, even though he didn't drink lustfully from it. Serving heroically in the Civil War, Hayes later admitted that it was in the army he first tasted human flesh. In 1876, Hayes beat Bill Tildon in a three-set quarterfinal at Flushing Meadows, which caused the electrical college to declare him President of the United States.
Here are some of the highlights of the Hayes administration: In 1877, reconstruction ended and Jacques Derida was appointed Secretary of Linguistics, and the period of deconstruction began, and continues to this day. Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, beginning the age of pornography. President Hayes then passed the Hayes act, started the Hayes office, won fame as an American lyric tenor, and was named archbishop of New York in 1919.
After he retired he founded the original ZZ Top with James Garfield and Chester Alan Arthur. He shocked the world with a publicity stunt, when on a bet, he made a tent out of the underwear of William Howard Taft and lived inside for a full year. In later years Hayes retired from the stage and did many memorable character parts in Hollywood. Who could forget the time he was slapped by Jacqueline Bisset in the 1971 Universal movie "Airport"?
And then, after inventing ringworm, Hayes died. His last words were, "I have only one life to live, so let me live it as a blonde."
Oh, and his blood type was AB.
That show's been warping my mind since I was 10. Check out this old autobiography I wrote in grade school and you'll see the similarities.