TomServo0

Thursday, May 19, 2005

FBI: Grenade thrown toward Bush was live

Philadelphia Inquirer

Dear Prospective Employers (or College Admissions People),

In the past few weeks I've filled out dozens of job applications to you, The Man. The past has also held some wonderful experiences. In order to make your work more efficient (and because nerd points couldn't hurt in getting me hired), I have the following suggestions to change your hiring practices:

1.) I know a lot of people that work very hard on their resume. I've even heard of people that pay to have others create resumes for them. I have at least three different kinds of resumes myself, depending on what the job is. We spend extra money for the good, heavy paper to print them out. So I guess my biggest beef is your general application. If you require a resume, why do you require filling out a history of past jobs, education, and a list of skills on the application? It's redundant. The worst is when employers write "You must attach a resume" AND "You must fill out this section even if you have a resume" at the top of the form. While we're at it, if a placement file includes a contact list, recommendations, et cetera, remember that some places charge to send those out and I have no intention to ink them in or find you new copies, either. You'll just have to wait a day for those to come in. When it comes to the real application, other than the essays and the "Are you a convicted felon" question (which is kind of unfair, if you ask me) there's not much else to know, let alone know twice.

2.) If you're not really hiring, or "not sure what positions will need to be filled yet," please don't invite me to an interview that makes me have to miss a day at the place that's actually paying me. When I take a morning off, they get a little upset, you know? And then they don't want me as an employee, either.

3.) If I can B.S. an answer during an interview, you should be able to as well. In my first ever group interview, I was grilled on a couple of questions I didn't provide detailed answers for. Fair enough. But when they asked if I had any questions, mine was simple: "What would your staff say is the best thing about working here?" Person #1 said "diversity". So did persons 2,3,4, and 5. You pride yourselves on diversity and you all think alike? Oh, but your skins are different colors. Suddenly I didn't feel so bad about messing up the interview.

4.) It would be splendid if I'd get notification that all my materials had arrived and were "under review". At the very least, tell me you hired someone else. You don't even have to send letters or call anymore, what with E-mail. It's free! And it beats thinking I might have "other offers" to consider when my second or third choice wants a decision quickly.

5.) Hey, I'm a college student that would like a high-paying summer job. But when I look at the Classifieds and see "COLLEGE STUDENTS! CALL 555-WXYZ ABOUT OUR HIGH PAYING SUMMER JOBS!" I want nothing to do with you. Why? Well for one, what's the name of your company? What's the job? Full or part-time? What's the salary or wage? Where are you located? Anyone who doesn't believe this is an endemic problem should open the paper and check it out. C'mon folks, a website . . . SOMETHING allowing a job hunter to check out who you are.

6.) For me, the most confusing question on every application is the one asking for my major in High School. What does that mean? Do people really major in things that young? I had to take History for all four years, so I guess that counts as a major, but I also took Gym class for four years. And Science. And English, and Math, and French. Then they have to ask me not the year, or the month, but the DAY I graduated. If I were The Man I'd be thinking, "This guy was a sextuple major in High School! Who cares WHEN he graduated, get him on the line!"

7.) Finally--at least for now--there is one question you should never, ever ask, and you ask it all the time: "Why do you want to work at WXYZ Company". I promise you, everything said after that question is a rotten lie. Oh, ever since I was a little boy, playing "WXYZ Worker" with my little brothers, I've always dreamt of working in your mail room. The correct answer to your question is, "Because you have a job and I need to fill it." What if I asked the interviewer "Why are you hiring Workers for WXYZ Company?" The interviewer wouldn't reply, "For years, I have searched high and low for the world's greatest mail clerk, to raise like my own son that someday . . . [turns to gazes at the sunset] . . . someday, he would carry on my work, and the proud traditions of WXYZ." No, she or he would say "Because I have a job and you need to fill it." N'est-ce pas?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The Onion Radio News

The Onion Radio News

The Internet suffered gains and losses in its quest to become Totally Awesome. First it took a step backwards when Terri Schiavo's Blog ended its hugely successful run. So sad. But then the Onion started audio streaming. Good Work guys! And this issue's knock on Harvard actually publishes their actual phone number in actuality! (It's 617-495-1551.)

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The Adventures of Pete & Pete

Amazon.com: DVD: Season 1 (1993)

My people! Pete & Pete is now on DVD! Just yesterday someone asked me "What happened to that Pete & Pete show? They should put it on DVD." And now, because Nickelodeon can read my mind, here it is. As long as they're paying attention, where's You Can't Do That On Television? That show was great. It was even better for me because my parents wouldn't let me watch it (Barth was a bad influence, I guess).

Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Official Website of Sleater-Kinney

Click here to stream the new record

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Cultural Creative

81%

Postmodernist

50%

Idealist

44%

Modernist

38%

Existentialist

38%

Fundamentalist

31%

Materialist

31%

Romanticist

19%

What is Your World View?
created with QuizFarm.com

Spitzer: 40 Arrests Shut Down Massive Heroin Ring

WIVB TV4 Buffalo, NY

What doesn't this guy do? In other news, 40 more high-income city jobs have been lost. We just can't catch a break around here.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

TwelveLittleGrrrls

Chicago Reader

Oh, the places I've gone.

On Wednesday I began a 15-page paper for my History Of Medieval South Asian Religions class. I think that's what it's called. It may have been the hardest 15 pages I've ever written. In fact, it was only 13 pages. That could be bad, but my sources were hardcore. I mean, half the book was written in Urdu, what can I do? Urdo or Hindi, maybe. Not that I know the difference. So anyway, the paper was due Thursday morning at 9. I worked overnight at the library and handed it in at 8:30. Awesome. But that didn't count the two days before that where I was reading these books and going "WUH?" after every paragraph.

Deadline flatlining. That's normal for me, and everybody knows I have this "problem". But it's not a problem, baby. It's a superpower. I can stay up till the cows come home while writing a 20-page essay about the migratory patterns of cows. Word. Moo. All you need is a diet soda and a dream. There's a corner in the library with microform machines; it's quiet there. So that's where I spent the last night. There was an Indian guy there (I should have asked for some help on my paper, ha ha he he) that studied nonstop from about 10:30 AM (so he said to his friend) to about 3 or 4 in the morning. That guy rules. It sucks he has all that work, but he's gonna make some serious paper someday.

Friday, I needed to recoup. My dude compadres hung out w/o me so's I could get rest. Ali had the fruit punch. I ran some errands, you know, took my momma out to dinner and all that. I should call her back sometime.

Saturday meant prep work for a new paper. I can't start a paper until the last night it's due, and you know it. So lately I've been promising myself to go a day early to the library with my laptop "just in case I'm inspired to write". But I know myself. So I take my books and peruse them. I glean stuff. I learn through osmosis. I get a feel of the literature. I read only the introduction and conclusion, and maybe a couple of pages that look interesting. I left the library at 4 AM, with some American History--"Taylorism, on my mind. Time to get some sleep before the big night.

Sunday, I got up at noon. I ate some carbs. I ate more balogna than carbs though. Either way I needed that food. I was about to step out of the house when I found out Office Space was on. Oh, Oh, Oh, I'd never seen it the whole way through. So I watched it. I was fulfilled. Time to work. I arrived at my library table at 6 PM. That Indian guy was there again! How does he do it? Someone extend his VISA. He stayed until about 3 or 4 again, but his friend was there until like 6. Freakin' amazing. By then, however, the place was mine all mine.

The paper was much easier than my HOMSAR class's, and not just because this one was 12 pages. Still, it was a difficult operation. Some of the sources were sociology, some were industrial science. Some were socialist political mumbo jumbo. One was a literature study. I had to learn the theory behind every "-ism" on every page. Writing was off and on. I lucked out because I'd taken notes on one of the books months ago, but decided to use those notes for this paper instead. They fit perfectly. Bam--three pages right there.

But I got stuck at page 11. How the crap do I fill this out and reach a conclusion? Well my paper's about work efficiency. What if I just quoted Office Space? Duuuude. When you've been up for 24 straight hours (currently 38) that's a GREAT idea. Boom, done. Based on the paper, it's not as crazy an idea as it sounds.

But I just noticed the title of my report: "Taylorism, Production, and Society." DUDE! TPS REPORT! THAT'S AWESOME!