CD: Danko Jones, "We Sweat Blood"

Spot Coffee closes at 11 on Friday night, which is a bloody shame. The snowstorm tonight was bollocks. Tonight I visited the Smiths of Williamsville (limeys!), watched "Bridget Jones' Diary," and went out for a late tea @ Coffee &. Jolly good times for all, except for the shaggin' awful weather. I drouve through a hourrible amount of snouw to get houme.

Now that I have broadband in the house, I can't get off the Internet. It's like I'm on crack. I get my fix downloading Windows Updates I don't even need. Awesome.

CD: Bikini Kill

Tonight we celebrated Dave's birthday by doing nothing for about 3 hours and then going to a bar from about 1:30 to 3:00. I think Dave had fun. Some other stuff happened. I wasn't involved. Joe fell in the snow. I drove. I met Jenny. Dave wore a hat. But the other stuff--seriously--I had nothing to do with it.

Listening to: Nardwaar The Human Serviette

Sushi Night with Joe, Scott, and Megan. Then Denny's Dessert Time with us + Sarah and Dave. Magical. I finally figured out not to eat the wasabi like pudding; also, in Japan the food "miso" is not to be followed by the word "horny." I learned a lot tonight, laughed, loved, and lost about $23. Also found myself in Niagara County for some reason. Saved by my stash of glove compartment maps!

At the post office today I saw some lady parked in front of someone's driveway. The guy tried to get out and just LAYED on the horn until she hurried back in the car and moved away. Who was that lady? My evil old French teacher, Mrs. Gaddis! I laughed maniacally! Just like this: AAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

I'm in Nashville. This is crazy. It was a long drive. I listened to truckin' music.

Vinyl: Kiss, "Destroyer"

Christmas Poem That Sucks

It is almost Christmas
No one reads this board
This poem doesn't rhyme
Happy birthday Lord

Tomorrow we'll get presents
Unless we're really poor
Or atheist or Jewish
Or fighting in the war

Wrapping presents takes too long
It creates excess trash
They found mad cow in Washington
The cattle market will crash

I hooked up an old record player
I found a Kiss record to play
I don't know where I got it from
But Kiss sounds kind of gay

This year lots of people died
Wesley Willis, three Cashes
Joe Strummer, Senator Simon
And there were some plane crashes

I'm eating too much candy
But that's because it's free
There's no such thing as a free salad
I wonder why dat be

Soon I'll go to Ottawa
That might be exciting
Montreal, Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Paul
But now I'm just reciting

www.adultswim.com/games/a...index.html

Awesome game!

In other important news, they caught Saddam Hussein the other day. It's awesome how this will finally end the war on terrorism! To celebrate, Iraqis stopped firing on American troops for a second and fired in the air instead. The bullets then fell on Americans.

listen to Sleater-Kinney's "Dig Me Out" right now!

There will be a new FREDLINE NEWS. I'm working on it. It will be very obtuse. Meanwhile, someone explain why they developed Mini-M&M's. They were a choking hazard as it was! Gee, the executive said, I like our M&M's but I'm on a diet. Can we make them smaller? Right about then is when Dilbert slaps his forehead. Until I write the darned FN article, or they invent Intravenous Skittles, this is TS0 signing off.

CD: White Stripes, "De Stijl"

Went to the casino last night. The ID guy looks at the card, looks at me and says "Well hey! You've got the same birthday as me!" and I say "April 25? Huh!" and he lets me pass. Then my friends start talking about the weird questions that THEY were asked and it finally dawns on me: his birthday probably wasn't on April 25! Then I lost 3 of my $5 and ate at Denny's. Don't eat the Breakfast Dagwood. Le fin!

Listening to: OutKast

The guy at Kinko's said the copies and the binding would take about 35 minutes, but it ended up being about 1:40. So I was really late for work. Not that I wanted to work. I didn't work that hard when I got there. Also, Joe (from "Joe's Blog") told me to write about what a jerk he is on my blog, so here it is. Man, that Joe, what a jerk! My apartment smells like bean soup. I'm a bit constipated. My alarm clock is set to play Iggy Pop and The Stooges' "Search and Destroy" tomorrow morning. Before I go to work at noon, I have to fill my car with gas. You're this close to reading Adult Swim News here. (If you get that one, E-mail me. We'll hang out.)

Listening to: Outkast

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. More importantly, I beat Shadowgate. Shadowgate was an old Nintendo game that used to give me nightmares because whenever you died a giant Grim Reaper would come on the screen. Also, you could get eaten alive by alligators or set on fire. You never saw any of that, but it SUGGESTED it would happen. Anyway, I downloaded a list of all the secrets for the game and walked through it. That's when I realized that there is no possible way I could have beaten it by myself...in fact, I don't know anyone who has. Once I went to this family's house and they were trying to beat it for a second time, but forgot how. It's that hard. I believe no one has ever finished the game without cheating. Meanwhile, the Grim Reaper is still a bit freaky.

So I was throwing dice in the alley the other day, wearin' my leather, and Officer Leroy comes up to me and says "Hey I thought I told you to" and I'm like "WHATEVER!"

Was listening to: 94.5

So my brother and a friend and I went to Krispy Kreme at about 2 in the morning. One worker there ran up to the drive-thru window and yelled "HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE CINNAMON DOUGHNUT?" He was pretty hyper. As my friend Richie described it, "It looked liked the teeth were falling out of his head." Too much sugar for that dude. So I guess Richie is a friend...he's really my brother's friend...then again that means I only have like two friends if I can't count people I've met through other friends. Richie said goodbye but I didn't really say goodbye back; I had a doughnut in my mouth. Creme-filled. Mmm.

Watching: America's Funniest Videos"

So my dad was watching this and I haven't seen it in years. If you only watch it every five years it can have some funny parts... But the best part of the show is that it's totally bourgeois. Everyone is ugly and poor, just like the rest of us! I mean, they'll dress up to go get their prize in Los Angeles, but their home videos make them look really really bad. I guess we all wear ratty clothes when we're around the house, so now I can feel better about myself.

Listening to: Tech TV

So anyway I was at the mall yesterday. I saw this woman dragging a kid outside the mall and she was MAD. Meanwhile the kid would not stop screaming, so I kind of figured out what was up. When their car pulled around I also saw the woman turn around and give the sign language sign for "SIT DOWN!" In conclusion, not only could the kid scream at the top of his lungs to get what he wanted, he was also deaf. He's a genious.

Listening to: Jamaican-tinged SMB3 credits music

So Ed found a really good emulator and made the mistake of telling me about it. I downloaded Super Mario Bros. 3 and played it all day, all the way through. I didn't think I still had it in me but I did; in fact it was the best I'd ever done it. Once I played it through when I was like 12 or 13 and it took 3 days, but I did it within the course of an afternoon. Pretty good considering how many years it's been. It's like those movies where the character gets anmesia... "I think I have to jump here, but I don't know why...[bonk][1-UP falls from sky]...Awesome!" Now if only I could remember the GREs like that.

Listening to: CBC Radio 2

In case you haven't noticed, I gave up on FREDLINE NEWS (for now) and am back to the blogs. For all 3 of you that read the bloody things.

Last night we went to see Chris Rock perform. Before I went I told everybody that he'd talk about "being black and smoking crack." It was my theory that almost all of his punchlines ended with "black", "crack", or something else that kind of rhymes, like "cracka!" I was only half right. The rest are "b****" and "f***!" Of course everything in between was pretty insightful; a biting social commentary. But when going for the big punchline laugh, you just gotta say, "f*** b****, where's my crack!?"

FREDLINE NEWS for Friday, 31 October 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: BOO

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, FREDLINE NEWS comes along to tug at the bottom of your swim trunks. Past issues can be found at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. To unsubscribe, beg for mercy by responding to this address. Forwarding permitted (bring two forms of I.D.)

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HEY KIDS, EAT MORE CHEESE!

Cheese--EXTREME DAIRY! Now in Neon Yellow! Eat it any way you want! Cheese is AWESOME! Now back to SpongeBob Squarepants.
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FREDLINE NEWS: HEY HEY HEY

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one. About a month ago I was driving through Lackawanna, New York. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. In front of me was a car going about six miles per hour. No--less. As I drove around it I noticed several things:

1) The driver's door was open
2) There was a rope coming out of the passenger window
3) The driver was obese
4) There was a dog walking on the sidewalk
5) The dog was attached to the rope

Until that moment, I was like one of you. I would watch the news reports saying "Americans are fatter than ever!" and think nothing of it. It's when you see A WOMAN TOO LAZY TO GET OUT OF THE CAR TO WALK HER DOG that you realize our country really is in trouble. I don't want to sound like a sympathizer, but Lackawanna (allegedly) was the home to the Lackawanna Six Al-Qaida cell. My guess is those six, thin, first-generation Americans saw this fatso waving them by in her Lincoln and thought to themselves, "my family is starving across the sea, I work like a dog at my crappy job to make my mortgage payments, everybody hates my homeland, culture, religion, and accent, and here is this humungous white lady with no job, no desire to WALK, no common sense, and enough blubber for three whaling expeditions! Democracy my arse!"

The next time I see this woman I'm taking her dog. And that's the freaking news! Happy Halloween!

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Here is a funny cartoon: homestarrunner.com/homestarloween.html
Here is another one: www.villagevoice.com/issu...sutton.php
And here is yet another: members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf
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FIELD DAY 2003 MEMORIES

It's been several months now, but who could forget Field Day: the proposed mega-music festival that went from a 2-day outdoors picnic to a half-day, rainsoaked mess ending up with Beck in the hospital. I just found my poncho in the closet! Also this testimony:

"As if the whole event wasn't enough of a total disaster," one spectator was quoted as saying, "my girlfriend ate a hot dog from one of Giants Stadium's fine concessionaires and ended up getting food poisoning, so we had to leave early to handle the puking. After dealing with all the other Field Day s***, I didn't even get to see more than couple of Radiohead songs -- the only possible saving grace of the crummy Festival. My girlfriend was spewing, shaking and green-faced for the rest of the night (a very expensive night I might add). Anybody else get sick off the nasty-assed food they were slinging?"

In related news, second-stage act Elliot Smith just killed himself this week.

Field Day was THAT bad.

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FREDLINE NEWS: COLLECTING FOR UNICEF!

To make up for this issue, the next FREDLINE NEWS will feature a feature interview with Moses. No, not Malone, but the real Moses. (His last name is Spiegelbaum.) He's got a new memoir out, "Blood From a Stone: My Years as Israeli Prime Minister." Should be interesting. If you have any questions for Moses, please E-mail FREDLINE NEWS at TomServo0@aol.com. We'll ask as many as we'll have space for. And now, if you do a quick Google search, "Girls Jumping On Trampolines."

FREDLINE NEWS for Friday, 26 September 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: IF YOU'RE "WEBCAMSUZY99," STOP IMing ME

FREDLINE NEWS is brought to you by the letters V and H and the number 1. Please reply to this address to lavish praise upon our news team for their astounding journalistic prowess. We also handle unsubscriptions. Sorry, Virginia! (There is no Santa Claus.) Back issues are posted for reasons of archeological research at http://pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius and now at http://dissek.com/webboard for no reason whatsoever. Skynyrd rules.


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PANTENE PRO-V IS THE BOMB

I lost my shampoo bottle in a hotel room in Chicago right after I checked out. After going back to the front desk to ask if they'd seen anything while cleaning up, a delightful cleaning lady appeared like Tinkerbell out of nowhere and let me down a maze of corridors to the secret lair of the maintenance department, a Never-Never Land where lost items remain forever young. She let me look through a locker overflowing with pirate treasure, but alas, no Eckerd-brand $1.19 Value Size. Then came the magic words: "Take whatever you want."

There were clothes and towels, but that seemed a little shady. I didn't come to loot, after all, I came for 'poo, so I grabbed the only bottle I could find. There it was. Pantene Pro-V 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner Classic Clean 400 mL (13.5 FL OZ). The last month has been a renaissance. Pantene's enriched "Pro-Vitamin" formula keeps my normal hair lustrous and healthy-looking from roots to ends. It cleans without stripping and conditions with balanced moisture in one step. My hair stays balanced, strong, healthy-looking, responding to my hair's structure to help bring out the beauty that's mine alone. Now all I have to do is dispense product into palm and rub hands together, apply shampoo to wet hair, massaging scalp with fingertips in a rotating motion, work lather through to ends, rinse thoroughly, and repeat if desired, and all is right with the world. I use it daily. Even better, I know that it's gentle enough to use on my permed or color-treated hair. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
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FREDLINE NEWS CORRECTIONS

--UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan does not have an alpaca ranch in Arkansas. He sold it in 1983.

--A recent obituary claims that Ms. Greta Pellington of Tonawanda died this Tuesday. The publication of this pre-written obituary was unfortunate, as she is still very much alive and kicking, buried with her coffin.

--The FREDLINE NEWS Editorial Department greatly regrets its coarse reply to a letter sent in by a Joshua D. of Buffalo, who after describing himself as a "nonpracticing Unitarian" got the response, "Isn't that an oxymoron?" The staff does not apologize for the error.


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FREDLINE NEWS ANCHORETTE OF THE MONTH AWARD

Special congratulations go to Michaela Pereira of TechTV for winning the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette Award for September 2003. A member of the TechTV news team since 1998, this fabulous adopted Canadian has made inspecting gadgets the best thing on television since...since "Inspector Gadget" was on television! Check out an eerie stalker pic page at http://members.cts.com/beach/j/johnson/techtvbabes.htm today!

That's all for now, see you in October.
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TomServo0: JEFF
jeff80: DERF
TomServo0: SUP
jeff80: not much, yo
TomServo0: here also is another benefit of AOL:
TomServo0: "Hear Hillary Duff's New CD: 'Metamorphosis' is on AOL but not in stores, Listen!"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: HEY
TomServo0: english question
jeff80: HEY SHOOT
TomServo0: what goes first in alphabetical order, "I've" or "in"
TomServo0: i guess i could look at a dictionary for this, huh
jeff80: depends --- there are dictionaries that do it both ways --- i'd put i've first
TomServo0: do you think it's 2 words?
jeff80: yeah
TomServo0: i think it's one
TomServo0: but i'd say the apostrophe precedes letters
jeff80: is "i have" one word or two?
TomServo0: "con·trac·tion n.
A word, as won't from will not, or phrase, as o'clock from of the clock, formed by omitting or combining some of the sounds of a longer phrase.
The formation of such a word."
jeff80: i don't buy it
jeff80: because in academic writing you can't use contractions because they're just viewed as abbreviations
TomServo0: that doesn't mean they're not singular words, it just suggests they're informal
TomServo0: "Edward80: I would say perhaps an expression. Its like 1.5 words" "TomServo0: that's stupid"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: "Edward80: Well, its not one word, and not quite two" "TomServo0: get off the fence, ed!"
TomServo0: the intelligencia needs you now
jeff80: you're really bored, aren't you?
TomServo0: "Edward80: Okay, one word. that is my opinion" "TomServo0: YES! i win!"
jeff80: i'm still saying 2 words
TomServo0: geez, and you're an english major
TomServo0: EVERYBODY knows a contraction is one word
TomServo0: unless they're less than three minutes apart, then they are about to be 2
jeff80: ?
jeff80: i just gave ed the ultimate defense of 2 words
TomServo0: send it over
jeff80: "Edward80: I say one, because there is no space or gap between the two words
jeff80: but the apostrophe says that a space exists, unlike a compound word, where the words blend together
Edward80: good point jeff80: plus, there are no apostrophes when you play scrabble!"
TomServo0: ah, jeff, how many words are in this sentence: "Bob's car is red."
jeff80: that's a possessive
jeff80: completely different
TomServo0: it's an apostrophe
jeff80: but it does't denote that something's missing
TomServo0: in a contraction, yes. but it creates an entirely new word while still referring to a phrase
jeff80: no
jeff80: what's the difference between Dr. and doctor
TomServo0: what if they'd decided to spell "Dr." "D'r"?
TomServo0: (that's a red herring)
jeff80: yeah - i know
TomServo0: Dr. and doctor are two different words that mean almost the same thing
TomServo0: and one can't be used in scrabble, but so what?
jeff80: what is the point of this conversation, anyhow?
TomServo0: to discuss the 2 word proposition!
TomServo0: and NOW, because i'm winning the argument, you're clintoning out!
jeff80: no - because i never was really involved fully - since i'm working on important stuff
TomServo0: mmhmm
TomServo0: this will probably go in the next fredline news
TomServo0: speaking of important stuff