Thursday, February 19, 2004

FREDLINE NEWS for 19 February 2004

FREDLINE NEWS IS BACK after a two-month absence. But we have pay stubs to prove we came in . . . .
Visit the new website at Everything but FREDLINE NEWS is up, ironically enough.

Also visit the official FREDLINE NEWS Special Valentine's Day Greeting at which will be up for one more week.

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THIS JUST IN: Candy Bars Discovered On Mars


NASA photos released today from the Mars surface have revealed a large cache of candy bars, possibly from a time when life once existed on the now lifeless red planet. "This is totally awesome," said NASA programmer Billy Richards during the morning press conference. "Our first attempt at finding the candy bars using only one robot was futile, but by spreading two rovers out in Twix formation, we finally know where they are."

The massive stash of Hershey's, Butterfingers, and Milky Ways were originally believed too weak to withstand the harsh, hot daytime temperatures on Mars. It seems that the cool, refreshing sensation of numerous York Peppermint Patties have kept the chocolate from melting over the ages. In any case, the photos seem to have proven what scientists have only speculated for centuries: girls aren't allowed on Mars.

"Boys go to Mars to get candy bars," noted Richards. "Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider."

Still, some NASA employees are still not convinced. Mary Wroblinski, a data systems analyst for NASA's spectrometry division, claims the photos create more questions than answers.

"Judging by the blinding reflections of the sun on the landscape, and the possiblility of more adaptable, non-candy bar confections that CAN survive on the Martian surface such as Everlasting Gob-Stoppers, these candies could be anything," the analyst debated. "This means girls can still go to Mars. Anyway, Billy just wants to hog the contols for the rover and ram it into rocks. He doesn't deserve candy bars, he's a jerk face, and I'm telling."

It should be mentioned, however, that Wroblinski is a year younger than Richards. Also, according to anonymous sources, she smells like poo.

In a related story, the beleagured Hubble Space Telescope will remain operative until 2012, when it's high-powered lenses will be refocused to find the place in France where the naked ladies dance.

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With almost two whole weeks before the opening of Mel Gibson's film "The Passion," fans are already starting to line up outside of box offices around America. Some fans are dressed up as characters from the movie, re-enacting favorite scenes from the story and showing off their knowledge of Jesus trivia. Here in Pasadena, where the film will open first in the nation, about fifty people have set up tents and lawn chairs in anticipation. Ellen Simpson, 32, is camping outside the theater with her husband and two children.

"I've been waiting forever for the book to become a movie!" Simpson told reporters. "Sure, they had an animated version, but it sucked. I just had to share this
experience with my kids. I hear the special effects are outstanding!" Her son, 8, dressed up as a Roman guard for the occasion, complete with toy sword, while her six-year-old daughter pretends she is Mary Magdalene with passers-by. Another group of twelve fans have set up a long buffet table on the sidewalk.

"The Passion" is based on the book "The Bible," an epic fable about good and evil. Though derided when it first came out, the book has gained a cult following in recent
years. Gibson, a Bible fan himself, has taken great measures to stick to the original manuscript.

Die-hard Bible readers may notice some descrepancies. "Oh man, don't get me started," says one ticketholder. "For one, it's supposed to be in the original language, but they totally got the wrong dialect of Aramaic, plus the Romans only spoke in Latin during legal matters, not in the Jerusalem marketplace. Then there's the complete omission of Matthew 27:25. Plus they totally glossed over the scene where Peter get's his ear cut off!"

When asked why the same ticketholder, wearing a Pharisee's robe, was still waiting in line, he declared "Hey, I'm a fan. It's still gonna be the best movie of the year.

And the sequel's supposed to ROCK."

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HEY SERIOUS MESSAGE: For those of you who watch too much television, you already know the E-Loan lady is missing. That's right! For those of you that don't, the E-Loan lady was the one that walked right up to some new homeowners and got them into an E-Loan . . . on their own front porch! During ANOTHER commercial, she went into A BANK with a laptop computer and got a couple to get their mortgage at E-Loan instead! She may be the greatest salesperson ever. Don't believe me? Remember those commercials where the mom throws a bowl of cereal to her kids, and they turn into breakfast bars in mid-air? GUESS who that mother was?!

As part of a nutritious breakfast, she was also in a number of orange juice commercials years before. New ads for E-Loan now have a woman that looks a lot like the original E-Loan lady, but it's not her. What happened? Is she all right? She had been looking thinner in recent commercials. Is she on drugs? Has she succumbed to the seedy commercialism of Hollywood? If anyone knows the whereabouts of the E-Loan lady PLEASE E-mail me. She's somewhat tall, too thin, has long, straight, blonde hair, and smiles profusely and overemphasizes her hand gestures when she talks. Don't make us switch to Ditech!

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