Somebody's Watching Me

I have magical powers that enable me to see what people type into search engines to find this blog. Here are the last 245 entries for your amusement. And no, I'm not making any of this up.



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1 0.41% neighborhood
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The Hunt For Linda Stouffer

Near the bottom-right of this page is a hit counter. It doesn't change much. But as the owner of the counter I'm privy to some neat info. Yesterday I got the following visit (bold added for emphasis):

Manassas Virginia United States
b249-138.house.gov (143.231.249.138)
Referring Page: www.google.com/search?hl=en&rlz=1T4ADBF_enUS265US265&q=linda stouffer whereabouts

Why do people keep visiting this site for Linda Stouffer info? What does the Federal Government want with Linda Stouffer? Is it because she's against troop increases? Does she know Congress is looking for her? Is she in trouble?

Linda, call me. I'm worried. Are you on drugs again?

Search for Linda

Vote Schrock!

FREDLINE NEWS for Monday, 19 May 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: DATE UPDATED

People seemed to like the first issue so I put together another one. Please feel free to ask me off the list if clicking "Erase" is not personal enough for you. Or if you want less contact with others, you can ask me to forward these things to your friends for you. Speaking of bad ideas, the first issue declared it was Wednesday, 6 May 2003. Funny, 6 May was a Tuesday. My sincere apologies to the Julian calendar. I will also post a copy of this on my weblog at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius just for shiggs and gitles.


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FREDLINE NEWS SPECIAL REPORT: MASSIVE DIG UNCOVERS OLD SKELETONS, MAGAZINES

(Roto-Reuters) Newstead - Forty miles from the border - Ghastly remains of the past were unearthed again this morning. For hours, Fred painstakingly went through shallow layers of debris in the hopes of finding something of value--anything--that he could salvage from his bedroom. The area has been sealed off and is being treated as a mass garbage pit by US troops, who are sending experts to try to identify the remains.

Experts estimate that about eighteen boxes of materials, ranging from old clothes to souvenirs, newspaper clippings and important documents, were discovered on the site. Investigators believe the materials were buried relatively recently, but some items were put there as long ago as 1998, when Clinton's regime controlled much of the region.

Several catalogues of faded photographs, presumably of dead or missing relatives and friends, were also found. Most of the surrounding items appeared to have suffered from indescriminate pack-ratting.

Though some of the older remains were too old to be fully distinguishable, officials hope to piece together the last five years. "I am afraid this may be the first of many of these depositories," rightly said Fred. "There are tens of thousands of items unaccounted for in the southern section of this room."

A tiny, poorly lit cell was also discovered nearby, with metal hooks dangling from the ceiling. Although much of the complex was dilapidated, there were suggestions Fred had lived out of it until recently, with new shirts found still hanging inside.

Many of the remains on display Monday showed signs of physical trauma. Some still had faded tape tied around binder pockets and singular, unmatched socks smelled of decaying feet. Several books had large dog-ears on one side or had covers bent far back. In each open cardboard box, awards and certificates were carefully wrapped in white cloth, surrounded by scraps of receipts, bits of strings and dust bunnies.

The visible evidence of effluent cleansing drove a number of family members to wailing. "Do you see this?" a red-eyed Jerry S., 51, demanded angrily. Jerry was looking for a NordicTrack that disappeared from his house in 1999. "This is the face of chaos."


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FREDLINE NEWS: CULT FETISH THREATENS CUTENESS OF NOVICE JOURNALISTIC ENDEAVOR

So I was thinking of some new stuff to put in this E-mail; something that sounded extremely serious. Then it occured to me: what if we had a News Anchor Babe of the Month! I went to the CNN Headline News website to see if I could get some names and profiles. Congratulations, Linda Stouffer! You're our first Anchor Babe! You can find out more about her at www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_r...inda.html.

But here's the rub. I decided to do some more searching to see if I could write up a funny article about Ms. Stouffer, and it got a little scary. Apparently there are a small number of people in this country that watch television news because, and pardon the pun, it turns them on. There are entire web pages devoted to female anchors that look a lot like porn sites. You can find one of these at dcwi.com/~dave/newsbabes.html. The only real difference is that the "fan pages" have pictures of fully clothed women in a sitting position. The anchors don't move from their seat, but you can find some hot, steamy pics of Ms. Stouffer smiling, smirking, talking, not talking, and blinking!

Check out Linda Stouffer, News Babe of the Month, at www.geocities.com/kryst0ph/lscnn.html. As the author of one post noted (yes, you can find a message board as well), "Linda Stouffer is the absolute most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She's classy, stylish, mysterious and competent. Not since I was a little boy have I found myself sitting so close to the TV when she's on. Having my coffee and watching her in the morning almost gives me a heart attack." Well hello, nurse!


FREDLINE FINANCIAL: CANDYBAR ALTERNATIVES

From our Indiana office comes another goldmine profit opportunity:

"To encourage you in your fundraising. I have completed my fundraising in a unique way. I put a flyer in our church bulletin asking for our members to consider donating their used “white elephant” household items to me so I could put them on EBay. One of the craziest items I got was several boxes of Colostomy Bags. The father of one of our members had a temporary colostomy and was “re-plumbed” and had leftovers. God provided over $100 for them on EBay!!"

The Internet is a blessed thing. Just think if he had to sell those door to door...


FREDLINE LIFESTYLES

Our Out-of-Context Quotes of the Week:

"Today's tip: Did you know writing in ALL CAPS is considered shouting?" --Yahoo.com

"I'm dont like pb&j how about fluffernutter! We will smell fresh and clean!" --Dawn, New York, New York

"Fred-there are a lot of pictures of frogs here, but not that many live ones " --Carrie, London, England

"I don't know how much more of this I can stand!!! Just discovered yet ANOTHER Byzantine Emperor in my background! WHATAMIGONNADOOOOOOOOOO???? Learn Greek, I guess!" --Don't Know, Don't Want to Know

"and ofcourse I love praising God and eating moms beefs stew!" --Some friend of the previous guy


EDITOR'S NOTES

I'd hate to end this on an honest note but this is important. Are you like me, constantly flipping off the newsman because you think he's full of uninformative, jingoist crap? Do you hate hearing the same five songs on the radio, fifteen times a day, for three months? Do you despise having to pay hidden "convenience fees" when buying concert tickets online? Are you not against political parties but can't stand partisanism? It's all interconnected. In the name of bigger profits, media conglomerates are gouging our wallets, straining journalistic integrity and erasing our culture. I'll let the MoveOn organization explain further:


"On June 2, the Federal Communications Commission is planning on authorizing sweeping changes to the American news media. The rule changes could allow your local TV stations, newspaper, radio stations, and cable provider to all be owned by one company. NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox could have the same corporate parent. The resulting concentration of ownership could be deeply destructive to our democracy.

"After the FCC and Congress relaxed radio ownership rules, corporate giant Clear Channel Communications swept in and bought hundreds of stations. Clear Channel has used its might to support pro-war political rallies and conservative talk shows, keep anti-war songs off its stations, coerce musicians into playing free promotional concerts, and bully them into performing at its music venues. In many towns that used to have a diverse array of radio options, Clear Channel is now the only thing on the dial.

"When we talk to Congresspeople about this issue, their response is usually the same: "We only hear from media lobbyists on this. It seems like my constituents aren't very concerned with this issue." A few thousand emails could permanently change that perception. Please join us in asking Congress and the FCC to fight media deregulation at:

"www.moveon.org/stopthefcc...lrrKCActw"
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Have a ball and a biscuit -F

Pleeeeeease Reeeeead!

Joe Ferguson put a counter on his site recently (thanks to the good people at StatCounter.com) and I thought hey, I should too. Then my counter started going faster than his. Much faster. At the time of this writing my counter has just passed 2900 while his is above 2300. Neither of these are extravagant numbers, but what's the deal? I thought I didn't have any friends. Let's check the numbers.

Here's a clue. Normally the main page gets the most hits. In this case, however, twice as many people viewed the December 2005 archive. There must be something from December that found its way to a search engine and got popular--more popular than my own (cough) notoriety.

I don't know if this is big enough for you to read, but it appears that others have searched Yahoo and Google for the spam E-Mail I posted on 5 December. You know, the one where Bill Gates gives you money for forwarding a chain letter?

Here are the actual search terms. An astounding 96.61 percent of searchers came to my website using some variation of the E-Mail's header. The other 3.39 percent came looking for information on Linda Stouffer, anchorperson on CNN Headline News. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but we should investigate further.

I tried out various versions of the Gates E-mail header on both Google and Yahoo. In some places my site was as high as 4th! For such a well-known hoax that's not to bad, especially considering I got the same E-mail ten years ago. I wonder how many saps click here thinking it might be their lucky day? Anyway, from now on I will simply post spam on my site to up the hit count. Lucky for you! Oh, and searching "'Linda Stouffer' bio" on Yahoo puts me at 7th or 8th, depending on its mood. However, one more question remains. Do I have any friends? The above graph proves the answer is: "only a few." In case the type is too small, that green Pac-Man represents the folks who spend less than 5 seconds looking at my blog. Pfft goes the ego.

Here is a fatter, more Irish Pac-Man showing that only 10.8 percent of viewers actually come back. Now let's compare this to Joe's less-viewed blog:

Now ain't that something. Joe has less hits, but a more devoted fanbase. It's as if I'm the Britney Spears of the Web while he's Sufjan Stevens. Or more literally, he's Joe Ferguson. In detail, here is more evidence. Below is a chart showing my last 100 viewers based on their location. Note how randomly distributed the readership is. I believe the blank space represents me as I gathered material for this post.



The second chart is for Joe's site. Remember too that Joe has friends and family in Western New York, California, and Nashville. See how much more concentrated his data set is?

Thus endeth the lesson. By the way, in a larger list of visitors that "Came From" another website to mine, only one out of a hundred wasn't a Bill-Gates-E-Mail-spam search page. That website was JoeFerguson.blogspot.com.

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 26 August 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FREDLINE NEWS PUBLISHED

Always late but always timely, FREDLINE NEWS is the official electronic publication for Amish Country. E-mail ezekiel@horsenbuggy.com for more details. We are probably a subsidiary of AOL Time Warner. If this is already too painful, reply to this address, type "unsubscribe," and demand a refund. Past issues are found in an old shoebox at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. All rights reserved. All lefts righted. All wrongs reversed. All right all ready.

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NEW YORK CITY RE-ENACTS R.E.M. VIDEO

Residents throughout the tri-state area recently got the chance to participate in what will be remembered by the Guinness Book of World Records as the "World's Largest Re-enactment of a Music Video." Hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers hit the streets simultaneously to perform the end scene of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts."

The New York Municipal Power Authority cooperated by diverting all of the city's power grid to be used by local, national and international media agencies to film the event for posterity.

"I can't believe it," re-enacted one anchorwoman as she viewed helicopter shots of gridlocked cars being passed by legions of streetwalking pedestrians. She continued with the video's dialogue. "They all just . . . got out and walked! [gasps] This is . . . unbelievable."

Mayor Bloomberg's office is considering more mass re-enactments to bring much-need tourism to the area. The last major intra-city performance--a staging of the Will Smith action vehicle "Independence Day"--in the autumn of 2001 brought rave reviews.


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DESIGNATED DRIVER FALLS ASLEEP AT WHEEL

Buffalo--Francis Shrode, 23 hit the broad side of a barn last Saturday night after falling asleep at the wheel. There were two passengers in the car at the time of the accident, police reported. The passengers, Sharon Gaulle and Jonah Fergis, also of Buffalo, possessed an above-average blood alcohol content.

According to the police, Francis, the designated driver, was extremely fatigued after a long night of drinking at a local bar, in which he did not participate. Witnesses at the bar reported a loser matching Francis' description "drowning" himself in ginger ale and, as one patron remembered, "sucking down bowls of free peanuts like an elephant with an eating disorder" until last call at 4:00 a.m.

Because Shrode was not drunk when the accident occurred, his injuries were much more serious. Gaulle and Fergis suffered minor scrapes and bruises, while Shrode received a minor concussion, a broken hand, and a bruised ego because he was the dumb one out of a group of three drunks, and he wasn't even drunk.

Al Sharpton, always having something to say, had something to say. "Anybody in their right mind would pull over if they were tired. They would AT LEAST try to hail a cab! Sharpton is currently at 3% in Presidential election polls, with a margin of error at plus or minus 3%.



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Linda Stouffer, FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month for May 2003, had her baby boy. On May 8, just before Mother's Day, little Wyatt Russell Strassman was born to Ms. Stouffer and her husband, CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassman. Ms. Stouffer just recently returned to her anchoring job at CNN Headline News. What tenacity, coming back after only three months! For this Ms. Stouffer has been awarded FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the month for August as well. Congratulations again!

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EDITORIAL NOTE

On a truly sad note, Wesley Willis died last week at age 40. For those of you who don't know, Wesley was an artist and musician from Chicago. Though born into poverty, abused as a child, schizophrenic, mentally slow, obese, and the victim of violent attacks, he went through live happy and more importantly, made countless others happy with him. His songs were both vicious and redeeming at the same time. I and several of you have met and talked to him at least once and it was always great to see him again, with a smile on his face, ready to "rah" and "ro" with his countless fans all over the world. Wesley died from heart complications after being diagnosed with leukemia and undergoing an operation for internal bleeding this year. Find out more about him at his label's website at www.alternativetentacles.com.

Rock over London
Rock on Chicago

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 17 June 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FREDLINE NEWS UPDATED.

Welcome to another mildly interesting editon of FREDLINE NEWS. If you'd rather

prefer to read TV Guide or some other comparable media, please reply and

request an unsubscription. This issue will also be posted at ub72.

ezboard.com/bpublius just in case it gives your computer a virus and you lose

the file.

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FRIENDSTER!

The new trend: Pretend friends! Join Friendster.com today and hook up with new

friends, old friends, red friends, blue friends! Try the address that came

with this E-mail, and find out what true friendship is all about: sporadic E-

mails and grainy thumbnail pics!
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FREDLINE NEWS: MAN LOSES FAITH IN HUMANITY

(Erie County, USA) A surprising turn of events took place at a Burger King on

the I-90 last Sunday when a summer worker, known only by the "FRED" on his

nametag, lost faith in human kind. The conclusion came about after the

hamburger grill broke, meaning "FRED" had to explain that burgers were not for

sale.

"I made signs that said, 'NO BURGERS - GRILL BROKEN'" commented "FRED." What

more did I need to do? Is everyone dumb?"

It is estimated that 1 in 2 customers had receive a personal explanation of

what the signs meant, while 1 in 5 needed to learn that the "Whopper" was a

kind of burger and hence unavailable. Also, 1 in 8 pointed to the signs and

asked "Does that mean there are no burgers?"

After two hours, "FRED" got really frustrated. "After two hours I got really

frustrated," he recalled, "so I made MORE signs. I even drew big X's on sheets

of paper and put them over the pictures of all the food on the menu. Do you

think that helped? NO!"

Justifiably so, many customers were also quite upset at the situation. One

became visibly angry. "What do you mean there are no burgers?!" the woman

yelled before she stomped away. "I've been waiting in line for 20 minutes!

The LEAST you could do is put up a sign!"

In an unrelated story, "FRED" is continuing to tell himself he has a career

future outside of Burger King and is only working there to help pay for

college.

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QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART ONE

From the employee bulletin board at Burger King:

"Lets remember why we are all here; we need money to live, and we need to have

a job to earn that money. We are here out of basic necessity. Let's make the

best of the situation. We are all here by choice no one is forcing us to be

here. Why don't we stop worrying about what we can't change? Let's not worry

about everyone else, lets concentrate on our selves and how we can do the best

work we can do to earn that money that is letting us survive. In the scheme of

things let's be glad that we are surviving. Let's all make the best of our

work environment. Let's be happy to be here each day. And be glad that the

others are able to be here too.

Going into summer lets decide to make it a good one, and remember to be happy,

it doesn't do any good to be sad or mad, be glad." [sic]

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EDITOR'S NOTES

It's a new month, and you know what that means: the *NEW* FREDLINE NEWS

Anchorette Centerfold for June is Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. And why not? Not

only is our dear Maria a bright shining face in a sea of middle-aged, balding

male financial experts, she's also a Rock Chick! Fun fact: Joey Ramone wrote a

song about her on his last solo album. Look it up!

"One of my hobbies is the stock market," Ramone said in March 1999. His

fascination at the time was a daily financial analysis program on cable station

CNBC.

"I watch this show Squawk Box every morning, and they have this host named

Maria [Bartiromo] who is really hot and feisty," Ramone said. "When I stopped

drinking, I started getting into the stock market because it's sort of like a

mosh pit down there."

A demo of the song mixes the British Invasion sound of the Who's early material

with a touch of the Ramones' career-long fascination with Motown girl groups.

"I watch her every day/ I watch her every night/ She's really out of sight/

Maria Bartiromo," Ramone sings.

Hey Maria, you can ring MY "opening bell" any day! Also, it's good we found a

new Anchorette Centerfold because the one for May--Linda Stouffer of Headline News--gave

birth a couple weeks ago and will be on maternity leave for a while. Honest,

it's not mine. Congrats Linda, and congrats Maria! We just want to say Good

Luck, and We're all counting on you.

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QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART TWO

"I don't think the system is 100% effective; I mean, it can't as long as the

human element is involved." --Jury Duty orientation video, City of Buffalo

Hot Chicks with Douchebags

...is the best blog of the year

I just want to say hello to whoever searched for the following terms, taking them to my website:

"linda stouffer boobs"
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You people are sick. Sick in the head!