I went to Perkins with The Folks. I bought them dinner. Then I went to Joe's and wrote a song about people with three names. If you know anyone with three names that's famous, please tell us what they are. We're brainstorming and need a good list. Some examples:

James Earl Jones
Mary Kate Olsen
Billy Ray Cyrus

Like all our other songs, they will Rock. Trust me.

Tonight I became a perfectionist in the studio. Joe can't keep time and it's hurting the band. He's got to tighten up his solos or he's out on his @$$.

Tonight I went to my court-ordered driving class. There was a real old lady in the front named Delores who wouldn't stop making innocent comments, stupid or otherwise. I counted 21 dumb comments to 5 useful ones. Two of the useful ones pointed out grammar errors in the book.

Teacher: "Delores, what answer did you get for number 4?"

Delores: "False?"

Teacher: "That's correct."

Delores: "Oh. So it's true?"

Teacher: "No, you're right."

Delores: "Why isn't it False? I put down False."

Teacher: "The answer IS False. Maybe I misspoke. I'm sorry."

Delores: "Alrighty. So it's False then?"

Teacher: "YES."

Delores [talking to herself too loudly]: "So that's number . . . 4."

[class rolls eyes]

Vinyl: David Broza, "Away From Home"

I just destroyed Ed in a game of online Reversi. DESTROYED. He told me I sucked and refused to finish the game! AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Loooooserrrrr...

CD: The Shins, "Chutes Too Narrow"

While spring cleaning--okay, leap year cleaning--I found a crate of long-lost stuff underneath some stairs. This included my copy of "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing", my report cart from fifth grade, the school yearbook from first grade, two copies of the official Map of Newstead (not much to see), the entire Bible on cassette, several sets of school photos from my "It's picture day again? I forgot to dress up" era, and soon to be the most disturbing of all, some mix tapes my parents made for each other when they were dating.

From now on I will also use my weblog to document the new CDs/DVDs I either buy or magically acquire. Tonight Dave forcefully dragged me to Best Buy and DEMANDED that I buy:
The Shins, "Chutes Too Narrow" CD
Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD Volume 1
D. W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation" DVD

"I don't need no instructions to know how to ROCK!" -Carl

Voivod

A New York Times article finally disspelled the myth that if you press the button to cross the street, nothing with happen. There are something like 2000 of those buttons in NYC that were turned off decades ago. But it saved a million dollars to not take them down and it keeps the stupid people from getting disgruntled by believing they can control traffic. I applaud city hall for not telling us earlier.

My good people:

I only want to say this once again, this time in print so everyone can see it. I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I can give the average person several answers to the question "So what have you been up to?" but this here is the truth. Since January, and for the next few months, I will be sleeping in, watching more television, and spending more time in my pajamas. And I enjoy it. Sure, I work part time. Sure, I'm slowly but steadily writing a Master's Thesis. Sometimes I even work as a substitute teacher. But you know what? On the average weekday I'm deciding my own fate. I'm reading more, taking short walks, talking to a friend or two, going through my record collection, and whatever else I feel like doing. I'm writing this at three in the morning on a Wednesday, and it doesn't matter because I haven't needed to wear a watch in weeks.

This is not a permanent situation so I might as well enjoy it. I used to pull all-nighters doing math homework in high school, then did even more in college. Sometimes I kept three jobs while simultaneously pulling a full course load. In summer I would put sixty-hour work weeks with no overtime pay because those hours weren't all at one place. My idea of a vacation would be a couple weeks of missionary work and cold showers in the middle of nowhere. As late as December I was getting up at 5:30 and driving for two hours to two jobs only to go home and type a paper, then do it all again in the morning.

In a month or so I might be visiting new schools or interviewing for jobs, but for now all I need is a laptop and a bed. My schedule is free and I'm never bored. It's great, and somehow I'm saving money to boot. I'd write more about how doing nothing has made me content, but I feel like doing something else with my time. As you yours, I'm sure.

Buy my thong! Buy my thong!

www.cafeshops.com/bataviamall#apparel

CD: Har Mar Superstar

Madd Dogg Mark Miller does strange things with chicken bones.

Smashing Pumpkins, "Mashed Potatoes"

Last night I had a dream that I was late for a class. I didn't know what time the class started, but I knew I was late, and I was trying to find the professor's phone number and tell him I wouldn't make it in time but I didn't know where it was. That and I had a cut on my finger that needed a bandage. Then I woke up and remembered I don't have classes anymore, that it was noon, and I didn't have anywhere to be. So I guess it ended well. I found a cut on my finger, though.

FREDLINE NEWS for 19 February 2004

FREDLINE NEWS IS BACK after a two-month absence. But we have pay stubs to prove we came in . . . .
Visit the new website at geocities.com/fcschrock. Everything but FREDLINE NEWS is up, ironically enough.

Also visit the official FREDLINE NEWS Special Valentine's Day Greeting at
veepers01.budlight.com/se...635E514682 which will be up for one more week.

* * * * *

THIS JUST IN: Candy Bars Discovered On Mars

Picture: geocities.com/marsfind.jpg

NASA photos released today from the Mars surface have revealed a large cache of candy bars, possibly from a time when life once existed on the now lifeless red planet. "This is totally awesome," said NASA programmer Billy Richards during the morning press conference. "Our first attempt at finding the candy bars using only one robot was futile, but by spreading two rovers out in Twix formation, we finally know where they are."

The massive stash of Hershey's, Butterfingers, and Milky Ways were originally believed too weak to withstand the harsh, hot daytime temperatures on Mars. It seems that the cool, refreshing sensation of numerous York Peppermint Patties have kept the chocolate from melting over the ages. In any case, the photos seem to have proven what scientists have only speculated for centuries: girls aren't allowed on Mars.

"Boys go to Mars to get candy bars," noted Richards. "Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider."

Still, some NASA employees are still not convinced. Mary Wroblinski, a data systems analyst for NASA's spectrometry division, claims the photos create more questions than answers.

"Judging by the blinding reflections of the sun on the landscape, and the possiblility of more adaptable, non-candy bar confections that CAN survive on the Martian surface such as Everlasting Gob-Stoppers, these candies could be anything," the analyst debated. "This means girls can still go to Mars. Anyway, Billy just wants to hog the contols for the rover and ram it into rocks. He doesn't deserve candy bars, he's a jerk face, and I'm telling."

It should be mentioned, however, that Wroblinski is a year younger than Richards. Also, according to anonymous sources, she smells like poo.

In a related story, the beleagured Hubble Space Telescope will remain operative until 2012, when it's high-powered lenses will be refocused to find the place in France where the naked ladies dance.

* * * * *

CALIFORNIA BIBLE FANS LINE UP FOR NEW JESUS FILM

With almost two whole weeks before the opening of Mel Gibson's film "The Passion," fans are already starting to line up outside of box offices around America. Some fans are dressed up as characters from the movie, re-enacting favorite scenes from the story and showing off their knowledge of Jesus trivia. Here in Pasadena, where the film will open first in the nation, about fifty people have set up tents and lawn chairs in anticipation. Ellen Simpson, 32, is camping outside the theater with her husband and two children.

"I've been waiting forever for the book to become a movie!" Simpson told reporters. "Sure, they had an animated version, but it sucked. I just had to share this
experience with my kids. I hear the special effects are outstanding!" Her son, 8, dressed up as a Roman guard for the occasion, complete with toy sword, while her six-year-old daughter pretends she is Mary Magdalene with passers-by. Another group of twelve fans have set up a long buffet table on the sidewalk.

"The Passion" is based on the book "The Bible," an epic fable about good and evil. Though derided when it first came out, the book has gained a cult following in recent
years. Gibson, a Bible fan himself, has taken great measures to stick to the original manuscript.

Die-hard Bible readers may notice some descrepancies. "Oh man, don't get me started," says one ticketholder. "For one, it's supposed to be in the original language, but they totally got the wrong dialect of Aramaic, plus the Romans only spoke in Latin during legal matters, not in the Jerusalem marketplace. Then there's the complete omission of Matthew 27:25. Plus they totally glossed over the scene where Peter get's his ear cut off!"

When asked why the same ticketholder, wearing a Pharisee's robe, was still waiting in line, he declared "Hey, I'm a fan. It's still gonna be the best movie of the year.

And the sequel's supposed to ROCK."

* * * * *

HEY SERIOUS MESSAGE: For those of you who watch too much television, you already know the E-Loan lady is missing. That's right! For those of you that don't, the E-Loan lady was the one that walked right up to some new homeowners and got them into an E-Loan . . . on their own front porch! During ANOTHER commercial, she went into A BANK with a laptop computer and got a couple to get their mortgage at E-Loan instead! She may be the greatest salesperson ever. Don't believe me? Remember those commercials where the mom throws a bowl of cereal to her kids, and they turn into breakfast bars in mid-air? GUESS who that mother was?!

As part of a nutritious breakfast, she was also in a number of orange juice commercials years before. New ads for E-Loan now have a woman that looks a lot like the original E-Loan lady, but it's not her. What happened? Is she all right? She had been looking thinner in recent commercials. Is she on drugs? Has she succumbed to the seedy commercialism of Hollywood? If anyone knows the whereabouts of the E-Loan lady PLEASE E-mail me. She's somewhat tall, too thin, has long, straight, blonde hair, and smiles profusely and overemphasizes her hand gestures when she talks. Don't make us switch to Ditech!

* * * * *

CD: Parliament, "Mothership Connection"

Yesterday I drove to UB to renew some books right before a meeting at church. I got lost (again) and went the wrong way, then got to the library late to find out I 1. did not have my Interlibrary Loan card and 2. could have done it online. A car drove down the wrong side of the road and almost hit me head-on. Then I was 30 minutes late for church and had a gas tank on E. The sermon was "The Gospel According to The Simpsons: Homer" so maybe it was worth it.

The Beatles

Saw The Dawn at The Joe's house. We passed around a funny hat to wear. We ate bad guacamole. We watched an even worse movie! Let's just say that Maculay Culkin's (sp?) acting skills got worse after Home Alone. Also, according to Joe's bathroom scale I lost seven pounds this week, which I immediately celebrated by eating a plate of spaghetti upon arriving at home. It's 4:20 and I have to sleep. Stop.

Parliament Funkadelic

I just found out there's a Christian Wrestling Federation.

CD: Warren Zevon, "The Wind"

Another story about the town judge: did I mention he owns the gun shop? Here then (paraphrased) is the cardboard sign he put up on the window.


"A female news reporter interviewed a recruiting general at his army base during her radio show. 'Just what do you teach these young boys when they come to you?' she asked.

'The basics,' he replied, 'survival, camping, and of course how to safely operate and fire a gun . . . '

'Do you really think that's a good idea, to have such young people to use firearms?'

'Like I said, we teach them safe and responsible usage of their guns.'

'Aren't you ashamed that you're equipping these men to become killers?' she pressed.

'Well,' said the general, 'you're fully equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not doing that either . . . '

The interview quickly ended."

I should be working on a paper, but I have so much important stuff to do . . . Yesterday I fixed up this old message board. Last week I put together a website (geocities.com/fcschrock!) There's cleaning and cooking and naps once in a while, taking out the garbage, talking to friends, E-mail . . . There's no time for this paper! I have to organize my CD collection now.

CD: Butter 08, again and again!

Ed, where did the background go for your blog? Joe, yours too! I better get to work and tweak these things. Last week I procrastinated so much I got a whole website working without reading one page of research material. This week is a big question mark, though I must say it is already 2 in the afternoon. In other Buffalo State news, I forgot to hand in my Application for Graduation, which means I technically won't be able to graduate until August. Not a problem, really, it just gives me more time to procrastinate out a better paper. But don't you hate missing deadlines?

CD: Butter 08, "Butter 08"

Though they will never read this, I would just like to thank the special person that uploaded the Butter 08 album to their KaZaa Shared Folder last night. Long out of print and amazingly hard to find, you took the initiative to share what may be the best one-off side project of the 90s. A shame that no one else has heard of them. Tonight, after searching for eight years (!) I finally have the music in my hands! Thank you, thank you, and thank you again. Who else wants a copy?

Chemical Brothers!

It was really icey coming home tonight. Really icey. The whole way. I mean, there was ice everywhere and I kept slipping around. I could barely brake sometimes. Some car near my house didn't make it and went onto some guy's yard. In conclusion, ice made driving dangerous, as seen by the observed accident. Science!

The other night I had a dream where I was trying to get rid of a body. I'm pretty sure I didn't kill her, or at least, she didn't know I was killing her when I didn't. Anyway, I threw the body in a large campfire but the flames just wouldn't catch, so picked up a rake and started beating the ashes. Well I hit her on the leg and the lady regained consciousness. Then I had to pretend, like, "Oh no, you're on fire! Let me help you!" so I wouldn't look guilty. It was a close one; I almost really embarrassed myself there.

listen to illegal art!

more old files:

11/18/98

This is to inform you that the magnificent bass-drum playing talents of Fred Schrock will not be available for this Wednesday's practice. Though he expresses deep regret in missing this ensemble rehearsal on such short
notice, he does hope that a comparable bass-drum uber-man can be found in time, and wishes the rest of the band only the best of luck.

Sincerely,

A. H. Stephens

Scheduling Secretary to Fred Schrock

I went to town court tonight for a speeding ticket. I've been in front of a judge a couple of times now, and I must say they're hilarious. It must be all the crap they have to put up with. I've yet to give an excuse for speeding (or anything else) not because of pride, but because I know I'm just wasting the court's valuable time. The best excuse I heard tonight:

Defendant: "Well Your Honor, it was really late and I was trying to get home, you know, cuz it was late, but I guess I just didn't notice how fast I was going . . . "

Judge: So how many years have you been driving?

Defendant: "Since I was 16, Your Honor." (The man was about 30 years old.)

Judge: "And in all these years of driving you can't tell when you're going 84 in a 45?"

Defendant: "It was dark out . . . "

Judge: "Were you in the Air Force?"

Another old file I found on old discs:

Response to "We’re playing follow the leader at Canisius"
I must admit I am proud of my fellow student who took a risky stand and exposed a less attractive side of the general populous. The issue of being a bunch of followers is not something people like to think about in their paper plastic lives. I my self took a consideration of this subject, I want to respond to Rob’s question about what can be done?
I am not sure that the resolution is to cease being followers. I think that would be impossible. We are inherently followers, I cannot think of someone who did not follow or conform to anything throughout history. If someone could find me an authentic leader I would be grateful. Think of current leaders, like the president, he is influenced by a myriad of sources. He is under law, he works for the people, he is influenced by campaign contributors, interest groups, and his cabinet. This is not to mention how he might have been raised, he may be inclined since a young age to follow a certain way. A leader has to lead a group of followers. If being a leader meant people had to aimlessly follow and conform to me, and I ought to be against this, I would be performing a vast hypocrisy. Or if I was against following I would be contradicting myself. If I admitted being a follower and hated it, at least id be an honest fool. If the college took a serious look at its student body it should not be surprised that it is a gaggle of conformists and followers. What else would it be? No wonder the campus is full of followers following Hilfilger, nike, and barbies around, what else are they going to do? If I am going to be a follower, and what I follow is wrong, what then can I follow that would be good, or at least noble? The question should rather be whether the student body is following something worth following.
hi my name is Brian Emerson 832-[xxxx] here is my letter to the editor. Please publish me. Oh yea i wish to join the view pts staff. Thanks XBJE@WZRD.COMX

Looking through old files last night, I found this .txt. Does anyone know where this came from?


Sixteenth century French economist Pierre Huet found England and Holland similar in that they kept their empire building focused on commerce, and fighting three wars to secure that commercial aspect was in the interests of both nations. (ii) He observed firsthand that over time economics and the war machine grew intertwined during the colonial period. Comparing the state of the two European powers to comments by Gustavus Adolphus and Francis Bacon, who gauged the health of the state on economic opportunity and a sphere of influence, Huet despised the use of military strength to achieve financial aims but noted its effectiveness. (iii) For the period’s empire builders, economic stability maintained itself through a reiteration of might. Queen Elizabeth’s England was not a considerable naval or commercial force at the start, but the gradual increase of the twain played either factor as a host upon the other. Funding of early trips that led to Muscovy and around the African continent would not have been undertaken had not the voyages been touted as an investment, nor would the search for a Northwest or Northeast Passage happened if lacking the chance for individual wealth. In turn, competition by both the English and Dutch against the Spanish until their respective victories over that nation honed their mercantile skills until the two were “the Terror of the Ocean and the Narrow Seas.” (iv) In relation to this fact, my friend Joe has a Dutch chemistry professor. He is nothing like the typical pot smoking Dutch guy that Joe had hoped he would be. In fact, he is just the opposite: a boring old fuddy-duddy that gets erections when he hears the word “eigenfunction.” Ironically, the two British students in the class don’t really get along with the Dutch professor. The frequently call him a “wanker” and kick him in the testicles while screaming their loyalty to the Manchester United soccer club. Fortunately, Holland and England are both in Europe, which is far away from here.





PR1121.U62 Reel 256:E177 no.14

Reel 377:11
Coke, Roger. A Discourse of Trade. London: H. Brome, 1670.
Part I: The Reason of the Decay of the Strength, Wealth, and Trade of England.
Part II: Of the Growth and Increase of the Dutch Trade above the English.

Davids, Karel ed. and Jan Lucassen ed. A Miracle Mirrored: The Dutch Republic in European Perspective. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1995.
Ch. 6: “Britain and the Dutch Republic,” William Speck

Robertson, John ed. A Union for Empire: Political Thought and the British Union of 1707. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1995.
“Empire and Union: Two Concepts of the Early Modern European Political Order,” John Robertson

“Daniel Defoe’s Political Writings 1698-1707,” Laurence Dickey

Rotberg, Robert I. ed. Social Mobility and Modernization: A Journal of Interdisciplinary History Reader. Cambridge, Massachusetts: The MIT Press, 2000.
“The Political Foundations of Modern Economic Growth: England, 1540-1800,” E. A. Wrigley.

W., W. An History of the Transaction Betwixt the Crown of England and the States of the Netherlands, Since they First Began to be a Republique, to this Day. London: Thomas Mabb, 1644.


[Nota Bene 6/19/04: from Joe Ferguson]

A collection of texts from e-mail spam:

I love you from the bottom of my newest nelson. the multiple hollis hates the yan. nicola looks like a snug mui. ffs, Someone is sectoring the vern, shaina looks like a unimportant hertha. lol, the william is gathered the angry yaeko, Got eduardo?I love you from the bottom of my mythological lina. Hey baby wanna let me start formulate your oma?sheryl am propped the so. look out, gentler chandra, what the hell, replaceable solange, the tressie am corrected the lateral ramona?We better go nearby the yulanda, What if rosana saw a greater naida that was converges a valentin?Let's go near the cherri. lol, Someone is smelling the grace, Don't be so yellow Where are the pale celine?beside the jong?Shave the clemmie, nearby the bad arden lies a optimum dorinda. Someday the keren will be marginal. look at that, foggy kym, the nilsa was measured the structural angelica?We better go behind the doria, the tory died becuase the eulalia was disliked the dario. Someday the talisha will be relocatable. Shave the enriqueta, I love you from the bottom of my hot cortez. Someday the wava will be cheapest. What if olinda saw a molten elfrieda that was eased a clotilde?A legal tyisha makes baby Jesus cry. rebekah is so transient that I am arises the verdell. My cyndy are relocatable. Someday the collen will be sweet. you are a void staci, cathrine looks like a coordinated karissa.

cathrine looks like a coordinated karissa. clyde looks like a wrongful elvis.
A active vallie makes baby Jesus cry.

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you are a lethal norberto, nikita looks like a rough patty. the emmie is bob the potential johana?We better go by the dania, Someday the kiersten will be cleanest. Hey baby wanna let me start realines your norene?Never have fishy sex with a bad wilford. Don't be so valid jeanmarie plus nickolas equals tad. sweet sauce, intrinsic felton, Don't be so bumpy Friends don't let friends go bunching the gertrude. Much like a reliable kaley the deshawn is extremely stranger. the nakesha was heavy. My jovita is cleanest. the moshe doesn't enjoy outlined the easiest lauretta. Where are the graceful kim?aboard the carmelo?Shave the joseph, on top of the foggy sade lies a asynchronous oneida. Never have undersea sex with a careful marti. lakeisha looks like a seventh tie. don't turn around, steadier tonya, Don't be so overcooked My lauretta is pale. near the useful margareta lies a procedural jody. the barrie was noticed the broader noemi?We better go on the jacquelin, help, lawful cleotilde, Where was the algebraic kamilah?aboard the liz?you are a shiniest alyssa, Much like a independent kaci the syble is extremely decimal. the fabiola am fastens the stiffest lamar?We better go by the sari, Where are the stiff jordan?aboard the cyril?on top of the barometric kenyetta lies a private reagan. the katrina died becuase the deloise was advising the trinity. Someday the jaymie will be younger. belkis is so prior that I am quitted the teresa.

CD: Danko Jones, "We Sweat Blood"

Spot Coffee closes at 11 on Friday night, which is a bloody shame. The snowstorm tonight was bollocks. Tonight I visited the Smiths of Williamsville (limeys!), watched "Bridget Jones' Diary," and went out for a late tea @ Coffee &. Jolly good times for all, except for the shaggin' awful weather. I drouve through a hourrible amount of snouw to get houme.

Now that I have broadband in the house, I can't get off the Internet. It's like I'm on crack. I get my fix downloading Windows Updates I don't even need. Awesome.

CD: Bikini Kill

Tonight we celebrated Dave's birthday by doing nothing for about 3 hours and then going to a bar from about 1:30 to 3:00. I think Dave had fun. Some other stuff happened. I wasn't involved. Joe fell in the snow. I drove. I met Jenny. Dave wore a hat. But the other stuff--seriously--I had nothing to do with it.

Listening to: Nardwaar The Human Serviette

Sushi Night with Joe, Scott, and Megan. Then Denny's Dessert Time with us + Sarah and Dave. Magical. I finally figured out not to eat the wasabi like pudding; also, in Japan the food "miso" is not to be followed by the word "horny." I learned a lot tonight, laughed, loved, and lost about $23. Also found myself in Niagara County for some reason. Saved by my stash of glove compartment maps!

At the post office today I saw some lady parked in front of someone's driveway. The guy tried to get out and just LAYED on the horn until she hurried back in the car and moved away. Who was that lady? My evil old French teacher, Mrs. Gaddis! I laughed maniacally! Just like this: AAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

I'm in Nashville. This is crazy. It was a long drive. I listened to truckin' music.

Vinyl: Kiss, "Destroyer"

Christmas Poem That Sucks

It is almost Christmas
No one reads this board
This poem doesn't rhyme
Happy birthday Lord

Tomorrow we'll get presents
Unless we're really poor
Or atheist or Jewish
Or fighting in the war

Wrapping presents takes too long
It creates excess trash
They found mad cow in Washington
The cattle market will crash

I hooked up an old record player
I found a Kiss record to play
I don't know where I got it from
But Kiss sounds kind of gay

This year lots of people died
Wesley Willis, three Cashes
Joe Strummer, Senator Simon
And there were some plane crashes

I'm eating too much candy
But that's because it's free
There's no such thing as a free salad
I wonder why dat be

Soon I'll go to Ottawa
That might be exciting
Montreal, Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Paul
But now I'm just reciting

www.adultswim.com/games/a...index.html

Awesome game!

In other important news, they caught Saddam Hussein the other day. It's awesome how this will finally end the war on terrorism! To celebrate, Iraqis stopped firing on American troops for a second and fired in the air instead. The bullets then fell on Americans.

listen to Sleater-Kinney's "Dig Me Out" right now!

There will be a new FREDLINE NEWS. I'm working on it. It will be very obtuse. Meanwhile, someone explain why they developed Mini-M&M's. They were a choking hazard as it was! Gee, the executive said, I like our M&M's but I'm on a diet. Can we make them smaller? Right about then is when Dilbert slaps his forehead. Until I write the darned FN article, or they invent Intravenous Skittles, this is TS0 signing off.

CD: White Stripes, "De Stijl"

Went to the casino last night. The ID guy looks at the card, looks at me and says "Well hey! You've got the same birthday as me!" and I say "April 25? Huh!" and he lets me pass. Then my friends start talking about the weird questions that THEY were asked and it finally dawns on me: his birthday probably wasn't on April 25! Then I lost 3 of my $5 and ate at Denny's. Don't eat the Breakfast Dagwood. Le fin!

Listening to: OutKast

The guy at Kinko's said the copies and the binding would take about 35 minutes, but it ended up being about 1:40. So I was really late for work. Not that I wanted to work. I didn't work that hard when I got there. Also, Joe (from "Joe's Blog") told me to write about what a jerk he is on my blog, so here it is. Man, that Joe, what a jerk! My apartment smells like bean soup. I'm a bit constipated. My alarm clock is set to play Iggy Pop and The Stooges' "Search and Destroy" tomorrow morning. Before I go to work at noon, I have to fill my car with gas. You're this close to reading Adult Swim News here. (If you get that one, E-mail me. We'll hang out.)

Listening to: Outkast

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. More importantly, I beat Shadowgate. Shadowgate was an old Nintendo game that used to give me nightmares because whenever you died a giant Grim Reaper would come on the screen. Also, you could get eaten alive by alligators or set on fire. You never saw any of that, but it SUGGESTED it would happen. Anyway, I downloaded a list of all the secrets for the game and walked through it. That's when I realized that there is no possible way I could have beaten it by myself...in fact, I don't know anyone who has. Once I went to this family's house and they were trying to beat it for a second time, but forgot how. It's that hard. I believe no one has ever finished the game without cheating. Meanwhile, the Grim Reaper is still a bit freaky.

So I was throwing dice in the alley the other day, wearin' my leather, and Officer Leroy comes up to me and says "Hey I thought I told you to" and I'm like "WHATEVER!"

Was listening to: 94.5

So my brother and a friend and I went to Krispy Kreme at about 2 in the morning. One worker there ran up to the drive-thru window and yelled "HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE CINNAMON DOUGHNUT?" He was pretty hyper. As my friend Richie described it, "It looked liked the teeth were falling out of his head." Too much sugar for that dude. So I guess Richie is a friend...he's really my brother's friend...then again that means I only have like two friends if I can't count people I've met through other friends. Richie said goodbye but I didn't really say goodbye back; I had a doughnut in my mouth. Creme-filled. Mmm.

Watching: America's Funniest Videos"

So my dad was watching this and I haven't seen it in years. If you only watch it every five years it can have some funny parts... But the best part of the show is that it's totally bourgeois. Everyone is ugly and poor, just like the rest of us! I mean, they'll dress up to go get their prize in Los Angeles, but their home videos make them look really really bad. I guess we all wear ratty clothes when we're around the house, so now I can feel better about myself.

Listening to: Tech TV

So anyway I was at the mall yesterday. I saw this woman dragging a kid outside the mall and she was MAD. Meanwhile the kid would not stop screaming, so I kind of figured out what was up. When their car pulled around I also saw the woman turn around and give the sign language sign for "SIT DOWN!" In conclusion, not only could the kid scream at the top of his lungs to get what he wanted, he was also deaf. He's a genious.

Listening to: Jamaican-tinged SMB3 credits music

So Ed found a really good emulator and made the mistake of telling me about it. I downloaded Super Mario Bros. 3 and played it all day, all the way through. I didn't think I still had it in me but I did; in fact it was the best I'd ever done it. Once I played it through when I was like 12 or 13 and it took 3 days, but I did it within the course of an afternoon. Pretty good considering how many years it's been. It's like those movies where the character gets anmesia... "I think I have to jump here, but I don't know why...[bonk][1-UP falls from sky]...Awesome!" Now if only I could remember the GREs like that.

Listening to: CBC Radio 2

In case you haven't noticed, I gave up on FREDLINE NEWS (for now) and am back to the blogs. For all 3 of you that read the bloody things.

Last night we went to see Chris Rock perform. Before I went I told everybody that he'd talk about "being black and smoking crack." It was my theory that almost all of his punchlines ended with "black", "crack", or something else that kind of rhymes, like "cracka!" I was only half right. The rest are "b****" and "f***!" Of course everything in between was pretty insightful; a biting social commentary. But when going for the big punchline laugh, you just gotta say, "f*** b****, where's my crack!?"

FREDLINE NEWS for Friday, 31 October 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: BOO

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, FREDLINE NEWS comes along to tug at the bottom of your swim trunks. Past issues can be found at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. To unsubscribe, beg for mercy by responding to this address. Forwarding permitted (bring two forms of I.D.)

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HEY KIDS, EAT MORE CHEESE!

Cheese--EXTREME DAIRY! Now in Neon Yellow! Eat it any way you want! Cheese is AWESOME! Now back to SpongeBob Squarepants.
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FREDLINE NEWS: HEY HEY HEY

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one. About a month ago I was driving through Lackawanna, New York. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. In front of me was a car going about six miles per hour. No--less. As I drove around it I noticed several things:

1) The driver's door was open
2) There was a rope coming out of the passenger window
3) The driver was obese
4) There was a dog walking on the sidewalk
5) The dog was attached to the rope

Until that moment, I was like one of you. I would watch the news reports saying "Americans are fatter than ever!" and think nothing of it. It's when you see A WOMAN TOO LAZY TO GET OUT OF THE CAR TO WALK HER DOG that you realize our country really is in trouble. I don't want to sound like a sympathizer, but Lackawanna (allegedly) was the home to the Lackawanna Six Al-Qaida cell. My guess is those six, thin, first-generation Americans saw this fatso waving them by in her Lincoln and thought to themselves, "my family is starving across the sea, I work like a dog at my crappy job to make my mortgage payments, everybody hates my homeland, culture, religion, and accent, and here is this humungous white lady with no job, no desire to WALK, no common sense, and enough blubber for three whaling expeditions! Democracy my arse!"

The next time I see this woman I'm taking her dog. And that's the freaking news! Happy Halloween!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a funny cartoon: homestarrunner.com/homestarloween.html
Here is another one: www.villagevoice.com/issu...sutton.php
And here is yet another: members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FIELD DAY 2003 MEMORIES

It's been several months now, but who could forget Field Day: the proposed mega-music festival that went from a 2-day outdoors picnic to a half-day, rainsoaked mess ending up with Beck in the hospital. I just found my poncho in the closet! Also this testimony:

"As if the whole event wasn't enough of a total disaster," one spectator was quoted as saying, "my girlfriend ate a hot dog from one of Giants Stadium's fine concessionaires and ended up getting food poisoning, so we had to leave early to handle the puking. After dealing with all the other Field Day s***, I didn't even get to see more than couple of Radiohead songs -- the only possible saving grace of the crummy Festival. My girlfriend was spewing, shaking and green-faced for the rest of the night (a very expensive night I might add). Anybody else get sick off the nasty-assed food they were slinging?"

In related news, second-stage act Elliot Smith just killed himself this week.

Field Day was THAT bad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREDLINE NEWS: COLLECTING FOR UNICEF!

To make up for this issue, the next FREDLINE NEWS will feature a feature interview with Moses. No, not Malone, but the real Moses. (His last name is Spiegelbaum.) He's got a new memoir out, "Blood From a Stone: My Years as Israeli Prime Minister." Should be interesting. If you have any questions for Moses, please E-mail FREDLINE NEWS at TomServo0@aol.com. We'll ask as many as we'll have space for. And now, if you do a quick Google search, "Girls Jumping On Trampolines."

FREDLINE NEWS for Friday, 26 September 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: IF YOU'RE "WEBCAMSUZY99," STOP IMing ME

FREDLINE NEWS is brought to you by the letters V and H and the number 1. Please reply to this address to lavish praise upon our news team for their astounding journalistic prowess. We also handle unsubscriptions. Sorry, Virginia! (There is no Santa Claus.) Back issues are posted for reasons of archeological research at http://pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius and now at http://dissek.com/webboard for no reason whatsoever. Skynyrd rules.


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PANTENE PRO-V IS THE BOMB

I lost my shampoo bottle in a hotel room in Chicago right after I checked out. After going back to the front desk to ask if they'd seen anything while cleaning up, a delightful cleaning lady appeared like Tinkerbell out of nowhere and let me down a maze of corridors to the secret lair of the maintenance department, a Never-Never Land where lost items remain forever young. She let me look through a locker overflowing with pirate treasure, but alas, no Eckerd-brand $1.19 Value Size. Then came the magic words: "Take whatever you want."

There were clothes and towels, but that seemed a little shady. I didn't come to loot, after all, I came for 'poo, so I grabbed the only bottle I could find. There it was. Pantene Pro-V 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner Classic Clean 400 mL (13.5 FL OZ). The last month has been a renaissance. Pantene's enriched "Pro-Vitamin" formula keeps my normal hair lustrous and healthy-looking from roots to ends. It cleans without stripping and conditions with balanced moisture in one step. My hair stays balanced, strong, healthy-looking, responding to my hair's structure to help bring out the beauty that's mine alone. Now all I have to do is dispense product into palm and rub hands together, apply shampoo to wet hair, massaging scalp with fingertips in a rotating motion, work lather through to ends, rinse thoroughly, and repeat if desired, and all is right with the world. I use it daily. Even better, I know that it's gentle enough to use on my permed or color-treated hair. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
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FREDLINE NEWS CORRECTIONS

--UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan does not have an alpaca ranch in Arkansas. He sold it in 1983.

--A recent obituary claims that Ms. Greta Pellington of Tonawanda died this Tuesday. The publication of this pre-written obituary was unfortunate, as she is still very much alive and kicking, buried with her coffin.

--The FREDLINE NEWS Editorial Department greatly regrets its coarse reply to a letter sent in by a Joshua D. of Buffalo, who after describing himself as a "nonpracticing Unitarian" got the response, "Isn't that an oxymoron?" The staff does not apologize for the error.


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FREDLINE NEWS ANCHORETTE OF THE MONTH AWARD

Special congratulations go to Michaela Pereira of TechTV for winning the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette Award for September 2003. A member of the TechTV news team since 1998, this fabulous adopted Canadian has made inspecting gadgets the best thing on television since...since "Inspector Gadget" was on television! Check out an eerie stalker pic page at http://members.cts.com/beach/j/johnson/techtvbabes.htm today!

That's all for now, see you in October.
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TomServo0: JEFF
jeff80: DERF
TomServo0: SUP
jeff80: not much, yo
TomServo0: here also is another benefit of AOL:
TomServo0: "Hear Hillary Duff's New CD: 'Metamorphosis' is on AOL but not in stores, Listen!"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: HEY
TomServo0: english question
jeff80: HEY SHOOT
TomServo0: what goes first in alphabetical order, "I've" or "in"
TomServo0: i guess i could look at a dictionary for this, huh
jeff80: depends --- there are dictionaries that do it both ways --- i'd put i've first
TomServo0: do you think it's 2 words?
jeff80: yeah
TomServo0: i think it's one
TomServo0: but i'd say the apostrophe precedes letters
jeff80: is "i have" one word or two?
TomServo0: "con·trac·tion n.
A word, as won't from will not, or phrase, as o'clock from of the clock, formed by omitting or combining some of the sounds of a longer phrase.
The formation of such a word."
jeff80: i don't buy it
jeff80: because in academic writing you can't use contractions because they're just viewed as abbreviations
TomServo0: that doesn't mean they're not singular words, it just suggests they're informal
TomServo0: "Edward80: I would say perhaps an expression. Its like 1.5 words" "TomServo0: that's stupid"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: "Edward80: Well, its not one word, and not quite two" "TomServo0: get off the fence, ed!"
TomServo0: the intelligencia needs you now
jeff80: you're really bored, aren't you?
TomServo0: "Edward80: Okay, one word. that is my opinion" "TomServo0: YES! i win!"
jeff80: i'm still saying 2 words
TomServo0: geez, and you're an english major
TomServo0: EVERYBODY knows a contraction is one word
TomServo0: unless they're less than three minutes apart, then they are about to be 2
jeff80: ?
jeff80: i just gave ed the ultimate defense of 2 words
TomServo0: send it over
jeff80: "Edward80: I say one, because there is no space or gap between the two words
jeff80: but the apostrophe says that a space exists, unlike a compound word, where the words blend together
Edward80: good point jeff80: plus, there are no apostrophes when you play scrabble!"
TomServo0: ah, jeff, how many words are in this sentence: "Bob's car is red."
jeff80: that's a possessive
jeff80: completely different
TomServo0: it's an apostrophe
jeff80: but it does't denote that something's missing
TomServo0: in a contraction, yes. but it creates an entirely new word while still referring to a phrase
jeff80: no
jeff80: what's the difference between Dr. and doctor
TomServo0: what if they'd decided to spell "Dr." "D'r"?
TomServo0: (that's a red herring)
jeff80: yeah - i know
TomServo0: Dr. and doctor are two different words that mean almost the same thing
TomServo0: and one can't be used in scrabble, but so what?
jeff80: what is the point of this conversation, anyhow?
TomServo0: to discuss the 2 word proposition!
TomServo0: and NOW, because i'm winning the argument, you're clintoning out!
jeff80: no - because i never was really involved fully - since i'm working on important stuff
TomServo0: mmhmm
TomServo0: this will probably go in the next fredline news
TomServo0: speaking of important stuff

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 26 August 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FREDLINE NEWS PUBLISHED

Always late but always timely, FREDLINE NEWS is the official electronic publication for Amish Country. E-mail ezekiel@horsenbuggy.com for more details. We are probably a subsidiary of AOL Time Warner. If this is already too painful, reply to this address, type "unsubscribe," and demand a refund. Past issues are found in an old shoebox at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. All rights reserved. All lefts righted. All wrongs reversed. All right all ready.

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NEW YORK CITY RE-ENACTS R.E.M. VIDEO

Residents throughout the tri-state area recently got the chance to participate in what will be remembered by the Guinness Book of World Records as the "World's Largest Re-enactment of a Music Video." Hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers hit the streets simultaneously to perform the end scene of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts."

The New York Municipal Power Authority cooperated by diverting all of the city's power grid to be used by local, national and international media agencies to film the event for posterity.

"I can't believe it," re-enacted one anchorwoman as she viewed helicopter shots of gridlocked cars being passed by legions of streetwalking pedestrians. She continued with the video's dialogue. "They all just . . . got out and walked! [gasps] This is . . . unbelievable."

Mayor Bloomberg's office is considering more mass re-enactments to bring much-need tourism to the area. The last major intra-city performance--a staging of the Will Smith action vehicle "Independence Day"--in the autumn of 2001 brought rave reviews.


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Beautiful Russian Women Are Looking For Love!
You can find them right here.

The Russian women likes to look pretty.
She likes to dress well when she walks in the city street to her destination. She wears a dress and pumps, or a suit with a blouse and jewelry. She is concerned about her weight, her hair, how she presents herself.

Meet These Women Right Now! Visit Our Site at www.writetoabride.com/?oc=5215
Searching And Still Haven't Found A That Someone Special?
Don't spend another day alone, you can browse through our database of pictures and bio's of beautiful Russian women looking for a western man just like you!
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DESIGNATED DRIVER FALLS ASLEEP AT WHEEL

Buffalo--Francis Shrode, 23 hit the broad side of a barn last Saturday night after falling asleep at the wheel. There were two passengers in the car at the time of the accident, police reported. The passengers, Sharon Gaulle and Jonah Fergis, also of Buffalo, possessed an above-average blood alcohol content.

According to the police, Francis, the designated driver, was extremely fatigued after a long night of drinking at a local bar, in which he did not participate. Witnesses at the bar reported a loser matching Francis' description "drowning" himself in ginger ale and, as one patron remembered, "sucking down bowls of free peanuts like an elephant with an eating disorder" until last call at 4:00 a.m.

Because Shrode was not drunk when the accident occurred, his injuries were much more serious. Gaulle and Fergis suffered minor scrapes and bruises, while Shrode received a minor concussion, a broken hand, and a bruised ego because he was the dumb one out of a group of three drunks, and he wasn't even drunk.

Al Sharpton, always having something to say, had something to say. "Anybody in their right mind would pull over if they were tired. They would AT LEAST try to hail a cab! Sharpton is currently at 3% in Presidential election polls, with a margin of error at plus or minus 3%.



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Linda Stouffer, FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month for May 2003, had her baby boy. On May 8, just before Mother's Day, little Wyatt Russell Strassman was born to Ms. Stouffer and her husband, CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassman. Ms. Stouffer just recently returned to her anchoring job at CNN Headline News. What tenacity, coming back after only three months! For this Ms. Stouffer has been awarded FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the month for August as well. Congratulations again!

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EDITORIAL NOTE

On a truly sad note, Wesley Willis died last week at age 40. For those of you who don't know, Wesley was an artist and musician from Chicago. Though born into poverty, abused as a child, schizophrenic, mentally slow, obese, and the victim of violent attacks, he went through live happy and more importantly, made countless others happy with him. His songs were both vicious and redeeming at the same time. I and several of you have met and talked to him at least once and it was always great to see him again, with a smile on his face, ready to "rah" and "ro" with his countless fans all over the world. Wesley died from heart complications after being diagnosed with leukemia and undergoing an operation for internal bleeding this year. Find out more about him at his label's website at www.alternativetentacles.com.

Rock over London
Rock on Chicago

FREDLINE NEWS for Saturday, 26 July 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: NOT ANOTHER ONE OF THESE THINGS

If you do not want these anymore, please reply and say so. Please use "please" when doing so, because your mother taught you manners. You can use the old E-mails to line the cage of your Tamogatchi pet. I think that's how it's spelled. For anyone that likes to see the same thing in two different formats (e.g. Betamax, for example) it is posted on pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius.

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DRINK MORE OVALTINE
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FREDLINE SPORTS: INJURY HAMPERS ENGLISH MAJOR'S CHANCES OF MAKING NFL DRAFT

Terre Haute, IN: It could take several weeks of rehab, but the repercussions of last Tuesday's fall during an afternoon run could put Jeffrey Grose out of the running for the next NFL Draft.

Grose, a graduate student at Indiana State University, wanted to be eligible for the NFL Draft hoping to be drafted by the nearby Indianapolis Colts.

"Yeah, I've been limping around a little, so I'll have to stop running for a while. I think I pulled something," the dejected athlete remarked. "Maybe next year."

Grose runs several times a week, depending on his study schedule and weather conditions. Though never playing in professional or collegiate sports, he was a member of several intramural football teams and played countless 1-on-1 basketball games with his younger brother. Once last November Grose remarked that it would "be really cool if I got drafted in the last rounds of the [NFL] Draft. Dude I'd be rich." Though expressing at numerous occations that NFL players are overpaid babies, sources close to Grosse have hinted that a large NFL salary would not hinder his decision to enter the league.

The Colts front office was unavailable for comment.
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FREDLINE NEWS WORLD TOUR

The FREDLINE NEWS staff will be in the Czech Republic for the next 2-3 weeks, doing--of course--The Lord's Work. Though there are unknown hazards ahead, one thing is certain: we here at FREDLINE NEWS are prepared for the threat of terrorism, whether here or abroad.

As per recent comments by President George "Wuh?" Bush taunting would-be terrorists to "come and get us" [That's a paraphrase. We don't do a lot of fact-checking], we offer those same terrorists the following scenario:

--You (the terrorist) tries to hijack our international flight to Frankfurt
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) goes Passenger 57 on your hiney.
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) become national heroes, appearing on Letterman (NOT Leno, unless he offers more $$), Charlie Rose, and of course Larry King.
--During the call-in session at Larry King, the recently-returned-home Jessica Lynch rings me up to applaud our bravery in the face of impending doom.
--We reply, with a sly grin and a wink, "Hey, you're not so bad yourself."
--We (our staff, and Jessica Lynch) chat for a while about being heroes, the weather in West Virginia, etc.
--We get digits.
--Awesome.

Admit it, she is kind of cute.


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To those of you looking for a DIFFERENT news source, that we here at EDLINE NEWS cut through the crap (FR) and get straight to the point (ED). It's just staight News here at EDLINE. As our motto states: "We report We decide." EDLINE NEWS: Ed's opinion for you.

pub72.ezboard.com/fpubliu...D=52.topic
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EDITORIAL NOTE

We here at FREDLINE NEWS would just like to answer a few of the bogus claims being knocked around by the upstart media rival known as EDLINE NEWS. As their press release claims, the staff of FREDLINE NEWS has done everything from being "politically biased, and unfair," to having connections with the government of Saudi Arabia, Ashley Judd, and a Russian bride smuggling ring.

All of these accuations are complete fabrications, or as we call them in the journalism business, "horsehockey." Nay, ED is a pucking liar. Though the ongoing relationship between a member of the FREDLINE NEWS staff and actress Ashley Judd is verifiable and a private matter, everything else is purely and utterly untrue.

We challenge the staff of EDLINE NEWS to corroborate their insinuations. We also match your four insinuations and rise you one more. That's right, we here at FREDLINE NEWS have found ample evidence to prove that ED is EVIL. One look at the following website should explain everything.

asgard.drakhar.com:8080/a...eviled.jpg


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Our News Anchorette of the Month for July is Baghdad Bob. He's not exactly a woman or a newsperson, but we all love him dearly. Be sure to check out his new movie at www.baghdadbobdvd.com.


Toodles.

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 15 July 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: LEGAL STUFF SHOULD BE AT THE END

If this is in your Inbox: Just so I don't get sued by the FCC people, remember that at one time you gave a guy named Fred your E-mail address, and lucky you, "You've Got Mail!" You can reply to this letter with an "Unsubscribe Me/Stop The Insanity" message. This is also one of those things you can FWD around if you really enjoy it, or go to pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius if you'd like to read back issues.


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AMERI-POS: BE THAT OLD GUY IN THE COMMERCIALS!

Hey, you know those commericals with the guy that buys that Internet Station thingy that probably cost him like $20,000? And every day he goes to it, opens it up, and WOW there's, like, TWENTY bucks worth of $1 bills inside? And that
makes him rich somehow? THAT COULD BE YOU! We here at Ameri-POS have told you for two years now that other people are going to take all the good spots at malls and airports. It's an amazing coincidence that there are spots still left NEAR YOU!

"I want the American Dream, and I want it now!" --Woman from commercial, who forgot the struggle of her immigrant forefathers
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FREDLINE NEWS: REBELLIOUS CASHIER FEARS FOR WELL-BEING

So this lady walks into the store and wants to buy some coffee. She reaches into her pocket, and somewhere between all the Casino Niagara tokens she finds $1.50 in Canadian money and hands it to me. So I tell her I can't take Canadian money unless she wants to pay the exchange rate, and suddenly I've infringed on her rights as an American. "What do you mean?! Everyone does it!!," to which I reply that yes, they do, in Canada. Now she must See a Manager Immediately. That means I have to go find the manager, who really does have better things to do, and explain why this woman has to interrupt TWO people that don't care two cents for her $1.50 coffee. Then the manager has to do the Happy Customer Dance until the problem goes away.

When I came back, the woman was on the other side of the room, filling up a coffee cup she'd stolen from behind the register. She sees me. "Changed your mind, huh?" So I flip her off. She wasn't very happy.

That night, and for the next day or so, my middle finger became a badge of honor. For the few people at work that I told (you have to be careful what gets out) it helped relieve some work tension. It was a fun little story to tell friends and family. ("And then I did THIS, Mom!") But then the thoughts started creeping in. What if I've gone on a power trip, and start telling off customers every day? More importantly, what if she comes back? With her larger, angrier boyfriend? Uh-oh. I had to watch my back. This is what I get for not loving my neighboUr!

Next week, she did come back, and her boyfriend/husband/brother was there, too. It was a particularly busy lunch period, so it was easy to pretend I didn't recognize her and look occupied. As I said "Thanks" to her as I did any other customer, she responded with a noticeably sharp "Thank YOU!!" in return.

So my fears were not entirely baseless. In conclusion, don't flip people off, unless you know them personally. You never know when they'll show up again. And they'll show up with their mullet-headed, dumbfounded, trailer-hick redneck stringbean of a husband/brother/probably both to stare at you awkwardly for a couple minutes.

I hope she's not reading this.


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FOUR HAIKU
(found amongst my notes from a conference last year)


Oh, the Renaissance.
Pictures and statues abound.
Italians do work!


Dr. McDonnell.
Stumbles, speaking, long pauses.
Weekend-old coffee.


Canadians here?
The vermin lift up their hands,
Gap-toothed from hockey.


Duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck GOOSE!
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

"it would be sweet if you included links to pics of the newsanchor women of the month. its a pain in the neck to hunt these chicks down myself."

--Joe F., Buffalo


Joe, it's good to know you're hunting down chicks on the Internet! In June we declared the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month to be Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. You can see hot, steamy pictures of her sitting at a desk at www.framisdave.com/avemaria.htm. "Daniel J." who runs the site, also wrote a wonderful dedication poem named "Ave Maria." Thanks for writing, Joe! You're creepy.

Stay tuned for the next issue, when we crown the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of July and expose the unheard-of evils of our rival publication, EDLINE NEWS.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LONG INTERNET CONVERSATION
(You can stop reading now)


TomServo0: guess who driving to chicago with me and my brother?
roi058: joe
roi058: lenny
roi058: hannah
roi058: micah
roi058: jerry
roi058: tony
roi058: richard
roi058: mustaffa
roi058: duffy
roi058: derrick
roi058: dosteovesky
roi058: thoreau
roi058: dr. butler
roi058: gerri pawalek
roi058: damien
roi058: some of joe's HIV friendster hoes
roi058: michael jackson
roi058: drew bledsoe
roi058: dave
roi058: dave
roi058: dave's dad
roi058: richard allen
roi058: osama bin laden
roi058: saddam huissein
roi058: tommy franks
roi058: wesley clark
roi058: howard dean
roi058: george bush, senior
roi058: jeb
roi058: jethro tull
roi058: john mccenroe
roi058: tom arnold
roi058: david letterman
roi058: an elephant trainer
roi058: a lion tamer
roi058: a real estate agent
roi058: a tops manager
roi058: susie liddle
roi058: mary echter
roi058: mike lauria
roi058: jack kerouac's ashes
roi058: tim allen
roi058: dick van dyke
roi058: a motorcycle dyke
roi058: beck
roi058: lisa loeb
roi058: danko jones
TomServo0: warmer
roi058: david guterson
roi058: tim o'brien
roi058: ani difranco
roi058: natalie merchant
roi058: bjork
roi058: mick cochrane
roi058: father cooke
roi058: joe's grandma
roi058: thurman thomas
roi058: hillary clinton
roi058: an antelope herder
roi058: jesus christ
roi058: your mom
roi058: dr. rosenbloom
roi058: dr. jones
roi058: pete martin
roi058: catherine sicoli
roi058: dr. d'amico
roi058: jack kevorikian
roi058: bernard slepian's widow
TomServo0: should i just tell you, or are you having too much fun?
roi058: zack
roi058: mario lopez
roi058: steve irwin
roi058: bob graham
roi058: tim russert
roi058: charity vogel
roi058: megan herbeck
roi058: give me 5 more guesses........................
roi058: james lipton
roi058: charlie rose
roi058: oprah
roi058: kevin o'connell
roi058: jane cary
roi058: ok, you can tell me
TomServo0: mike slagor
roi058: i was so close
TomServo0: how you missed that is beyond me
TomServo0: i think you just re-took the 2000 census
roi058: i wanted to name 5 million people
roi058: but i don't really have the time
roi058: al sharpton, al gore, alphonse d'amato, alec baldwin...
roi058: brett boone, barry bonds, barry bostwick, bernie kosar, and bump Andgo
roi058: corbin lacina, jimmy carter, catcher in the ryle, toni morrison, and ray romano
roi058: bob evans, jimmy dean, kenny rogers, bob dylan, and michael moore
roi058: michael douglass, michael richards, richard michaels, al michaels, and dick n. anus
roi058: apricot, orange, cherry, banana, tomato, grape, and apple
roi058: lemon, lime, peach, pear, and cranberry
roi058: ibm, dell, gateway, apple, toshiba, hp, sony, compaq, winbook
roi058: jazz, soft rock, adult contemporary . . . .

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 17 June 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FREDLINE NEWS UPDATED.

Welcome to another mildly interesting editon of FREDLINE NEWS. If you'd rather

prefer to read TV Guide or some other comparable media, please reply and

request an unsubscription. This issue will also be posted at ub72.

ezboard.com/bpublius just in case it gives your computer a virus and you lose

the file.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FRIENDSTER!

The new trend: Pretend friends! Join Friendster.com today and hook up with new

friends, old friends, red friends, blue friends! Try the address that came

with this E-mail, and find out what true friendship is all about: sporadic E-

mails and grainy thumbnail pics!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

FREDLINE NEWS: MAN LOSES FAITH IN HUMANITY

(Erie County, USA) A surprising turn of events took place at a Burger King on

the I-90 last Sunday when a summer worker, known only by the "FRED" on his

nametag, lost faith in human kind. The conclusion came about after the

hamburger grill broke, meaning "FRED" had to explain that burgers were not for

sale.

"I made signs that said, 'NO BURGERS - GRILL BROKEN'" commented "FRED." What

more did I need to do? Is everyone dumb?"

It is estimated that 1 in 2 customers had receive a personal explanation of

what the signs meant, while 1 in 5 needed to learn that the "Whopper" was a

kind of burger and hence unavailable. Also, 1 in 8 pointed to the signs and

asked "Does that mean there are no burgers?"

After two hours, "FRED" got really frustrated. "After two hours I got really

frustrated," he recalled, "so I made MORE signs. I even drew big X's on sheets

of paper and put them over the pictures of all the food on the menu. Do you

think that helped? NO!"

Justifiably so, many customers were also quite upset at the situation. One

became visibly angry. "What do you mean there are no burgers?!" the woman

yelled before she stomped away. "I've been waiting in line for 20 minutes!

The LEAST you could do is put up a sign!"

In an unrelated story, "FRED" is continuing to tell himself he has a career

future outside of Burger King and is only working there to help pay for

college.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INFLATIBLE CHURCH! INFLATABLE CHURCH!

Need a church on the go? Wish you didn't have to go to church, and had the

church come to YOU? Try the new Inflatable Church at inflatablechurch.com!

Finally, blowing up a church is a GOOD thing!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART ONE

From the employee bulletin board at Burger King:

"Lets remember why we are all here; we need money to live, and we need to have

a job to earn that money. We are here out of basic necessity. Let's make the

best of the situation. We are all here by choice no one is forcing us to be

here. Why don't we stop worrying about what we can't change? Let's not worry

about everyone else, lets concentrate on our selves and how we can do the best

work we can do to earn that money that is letting us survive. In the scheme of

things let's be glad that we are surviving. Let's all make the best of our

work environment. Let's be happy to be here each day. And be glad that the

others are able to be here too.

Going into summer lets decide to make it a good one, and remember to be happy,

it doesn't do any good to be sad or mad, be glad." [sic]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES

It's a new month, and you know what that means: the *NEW* FREDLINE NEWS

Anchorette Centerfold for June is Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. And why not? Not

only is our dear Maria a bright shining face in a sea of middle-aged, balding

male financial experts, she's also a Rock Chick! Fun fact: Joey Ramone wrote a

song about her on his last solo album. Look it up!

"One of my hobbies is the stock market," Ramone said in March 1999. His

fascination at the time was a daily financial analysis program on cable station

CNBC.

"I watch this show Squawk Box every morning, and they have this host named

Maria [Bartiromo] who is really hot and feisty," Ramone said. "When I stopped

drinking, I started getting into the stock market because it's sort of like a

mosh pit down there."

A demo of the song mixes the British Invasion sound of the Who's early material

with a touch of the Ramones' career-long fascination with Motown girl groups.

"I watch her every day/ I watch her every night/ She's really out of sight/

Maria Bartiromo," Ramone sings.

Hey Maria, you can ring MY "opening bell" any day! Also, it's good we found a

new Anchorette Centerfold because the one for May--Linda Stouffer of Headline News--gave

birth a couple weeks ago and will be on maternity leave for a while. Honest,

it's not mine. Congrats Linda, and congrats Maria! We just want to say Good

Luck, and We're all counting on you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART TWO

"I don't think the system is 100% effective; I mean, it can't as long as the

human element is involved." --Jury Duty orientation video, City of Buffalo

FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 27 May 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: SPECIAL DAVE EDITION

After a recent Spring Cleaning I found myself with a pile of unpublished manuscripts from former roommate and current poet laureate of Blasdell, New York, Mr. David Hill. A short sample of the collection is posted below, including rough language, poor grammar, and, in some cases, newly invented words. (The typos are his as well.) This may be interesting to no one but myself. If you are not myself, you may unsubscribe by replying to this address? Ready? The rest of this E-mail will look like Picasso with dysentery.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
UNTITLED

DMX, you think you're the shiznoid.
I eat popcorn like it's my void.
All you suckers, wanna piece of the game?
I got sumpi9n' thatchya just can't name.
John Popper
Born in Asia Proper.
Thought it was Rash Hashana
Fired up the grill + ate
a Kilbasa.
A1 Steak sauce,
endorsed by Boss.
A - B's + C's, can't fite
the rex n'FX attack.
Extrapolate, cuz Wendy's
is in the house. Dave
Thomas farted out the
word mouse.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


ART HISTORY REFLECTION PAPER (NOT SUBMITTED)

David Hill
Modern Art
Prof. Marie Vahue
March 28, 2000

Albright-Knox Art Gallery Visit

On Thursday, March 9th, we visited the Albright-Knox Art Gallery in Buffalo. It was totally gay. The gift shop had a plethora of stupid crap I didn't want to buy, except the checkout girl was kind of old so I kept laughing at her flapping jowels. That was pretty cool. I was going to go up to her and say, "Ooh! Live chicken!" but I got scared when somebody set off the store alarm by mistake and then I turned around real fast and ran away. The snack bar was too expensive. Like five dollars for a stupid little sandwich. Screw that, I'd rather eat a stool. And I don't mean a barstool, either!
Oh well. ONe of the most memorable parts of our visitation was this paining called "Venus." It was the bomb because you could see her boobs. Her butt, too. She was laying down on a big clam shell or something, and it looked pretty windy out where she was because her hair was flowing all over the place. It reminded me of the famous hockey movie Youngblood, where the new star hockey player does it with that chick, and then she's lying down and you see her boobs. Yeah. Boobs are cool. Huh huh huh.
In retrospect, our visit to the Albright-Knox Art Gallery was full of magic wonderment, and ferocious gaiety. I would most definitely recommend that anyone who like old flappy-jowl ladies or movies with gratuitous tittie shots to run, not walk, to the Gallery, jog up the stairs, raise their arms like Rocky Balboa, and say "Ow! My cramp!" Thank you for reading, and remember that Tops never stops...saving you more. PEACE!



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
BEAUTIFUL GIRL

Beautiful Girl
Around the world
Kiss the girl
She is your pearl
Mama's girl
Went to Rome
to find a home
He loves here so
but she had to go
What a @#%$ ho.
If she only knew
What he went threw
Her panties were blue
He kept them in his hope chest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


NOTES INSIDE A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM A POET NAMED CAREY MARTIN:

Happy Birthday Freddo! I hope u like this card!
Im just peturbed that that Carey Martin biatch
said everything i waited so long to tell you.

Because this Ms. Martin girl, the card 'poet' we'll call her,
stole the words from my mouth, I will write you a better poem
here:
Fred, from the first day I saw you,
you reminded me of a ball--a happy
wrinkly, wrily grimy ball.
You've always got your wits about you,
Much like a ball has that sort of not quite rectangular
but not quite cylinder shape to it.
Like a ripple in the water,
You have gently touched my life and,
I just thought you would appreciated a birthday card on
your birthday.
so, there you have it, I've said what's on my mind,
and now I'm feelin fine, but baby, baby i'll be rootin
for ya. So have a happy one you party that rocks the house
that rocks the bottle or whatever the saying goes!

--Dave Jammers


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
GOLDEN HEART, PURPLE HAWK


Golden heart, purple hawk

He was known to stalk, while writing poems.

He lost his way, yesterday, his best friend turned gay.

Who's that, down your pants, hands off, watch the boys.

He watches Dirty Dancing, with his mouth on the warm pot pie.

Can't find work so for now he dances, the Patrick Swayze that never was.

What might have been, if not for the bike with no seat. Should have listened to mom, safety first, and now he will never be able to enjoy the hard candy he once loved oh so very much.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


NOTE LEFT JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK:

I feel that it is imperative that I leave you all, in an ever so early fashion, not with fading memories of scant wisdom and keen comrogany, but instead with a sense of accomplishment.

As such, let me reflect on what we have all learned this semester:

1) 1+1=2, unless you're seeing other people
2) soup tastes better hot
3) mashed potatoes taste better when spelled w/out the "e"
4) in one fell swoop, all the love of anal sex one can possibly have comes crashing down in a whimper of laconic, prosaic poetic pain.
5) No goodbye; there's only bj's.
Be proud and be merry; be puttered.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Professor Dr. David J. Hill's Course Schedule, Fall 2002:

*Representations of Jewish Thought and Practice in the Baked Goods Industry
*Exquisite Moments in the 1956 NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament
*Inculcating Basted Turkeys into Spying for the Administration
*Constructive Uses of Taco Bell Management Strategies
*Paltry Practices as Predictors of the Puff Pastry Pastime in Monolithic Islam (Part I)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


EDITOR'S NOTES

Though I do not know if I can attribute it to Dave, I also found an old envelope with my address filled out in the corner and another full address in the middle. Apparently someone wanted to dive the impression that I had written a personal letter. The writing said as follows:

The Gay Pride Association of America
1 Commerce Plaza
Washington, D.C. 10014-40219

Membership fees enclosed

A drawing of "Ace" and "Gary" could be found on the back, also known as The Ambiguously Gay Duo. I think we can end on that note.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Fred, what do ya say...wanna be a Rastafarian? --Dave!!

[from a Post-It Note]


[Nota Bene 6/19/04: Some of these later revealed to be by Joe Ferguson and Jeff Gross. Props.]

FREDLINE NEWS for Monday, 19 May 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: DATE UPDATED

People seemed to like the first issue so I put together another one. Please feel free to ask me off the list if clicking "Erase" is not personal enough for you. Or if you want less contact with others, you can ask me to forward these things to your friends for you. Speaking of bad ideas, the first issue declared it was Wednesday, 6 May 2003. Funny, 6 May was a Tuesday. My sincere apologies to the Julian calendar. I will also post a copy of this on my weblog at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius just for shiggs and gitles.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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*Russian women see American men as kind, sensitive, respectful, understanding, compassionate and dependable. Many American women take these qualities in American men for granted. However, because of what Russian women are used to, they will never take these qualities for granted. These qualities make American men very appealing to Russian women.

*Russian women are rarely overweight. They seem more concerned with their appearance. Very attractive women are common in countries of the Former Soviet Union.

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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


FREDLINE NEWS SPECIAL REPORT: MASSIVE DIG UNCOVERS OLD SKELETONS, MAGAZINES

(Roto-Reuters) Newstead - Forty miles from the border - Ghastly remains of the past were unearthed again this morning. For hours, Fred painstakingly went through shallow layers of debris in the hopes of finding something of value--anything--that he could salvage from his bedroom. The area has been sealed off and is being treated as a mass garbage pit by US troops, who are sending experts to try to identify the remains.

Experts estimate that about eighteen boxes of materials, ranging from old clothes to souvenirs, newspaper clippings and important documents, were discovered on the site. Investigators believe the materials were buried relatively recently, but some items were put there as long ago as 1998, when Clinton's regime controlled much of the region.

Several catalogues of faded photographs, presumably of dead or missing relatives and friends, were also found. Most of the surrounding items appeared to have suffered from indescriminate pack-ratting.

Though some of the older remains were too old to be fully distinguishable, officials hope to piece together the last five years. "I am afraid this may be the first of many of these depositories," rightly said Fred. "There are tens of thousands of items unaccounted for in the southern section of this room."

A tiny, poorly lit cell was also discovered nearby, with metal hooks dangling from the ceiling. Although much of the complex was dilapidated, there were suggestions Fred had lived out of it until recently, with new shirts found still hanging inside.

Many of the remains on display Monday showed signs of physical trauma. Some still had faded tape tied around binder pockets and singular, unmatched socks smelled of decaying feet. Several books had large dog-ears on one side or had covers bent far back. In each open cardboard box, awards and certificates were carefully wrapped in white cloth, surrounded by scraps of receipts, bits of strings and dust bunnies.

The visible evidence of effluent cleansing drove a number of family members to wailing. "Do you see this?" a red-eyed Jerry S., 51, demanded angrily. Jerry was looking for a NordicTrack that disappeared from his house in 1999. "This is the face of chaos."


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


FREDLINE NEWS: CULT FETISH THREATENS CUTENESS OF NOVICE JOURNALISTIC ENDEAVOR

So I was thinking of some new stuff to put in this E-mail; something that sounded extremely serious. Then it occured to me: what if we had a News Anchor Babe of the Month! I went to the CNN Headline News website to see if I could get some names and profiles. Congratulations, Linda Stouffer! You're our first Anchor Babe! You can find out more about her at www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_r...inda.html.

But here's the rub. I decided to do some more searching to see if I could write up a funny article about Ms. Stouffer, and it got a little scary. Apparently there are a small number of people in this country that watch television news because, and pardon the pun, it turns them on. There are entire web pages devoted to female anchors that look a lot like porn sites. You can find one of these at dcwi.com/~dave/newsbabes.html. The only real difference is that the "fan pages" have pictures of fully clothed women in a sitting position. The anchors don't move from their seat, but you can find some hot, steamy pics of Ms. Stouffer smiling, smirking, talking, not talking, and blinking!

Check out Linda Stouffer, News Babe of the Month, at www.geocities.com/kryst0ph/lscnn.html. As the author of one post noted (yes, you can find a message board as well), "Linda Stouffer is the absolute most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She's classy, stylish, mysterious and competent. Not since I was a little boy have I found myself sitting so close to the TV when she's on. Having my coffee and watching her in the morning almost gives me a heart attack." Well hello, nurse!


FREDLINE FINANCIAL: CANDYBAR ALTERNATIVES

From our Indiana office comes another goldmine profit opportunity:

"To encourage you in your fundraising. I have completed my fundraising in a unique way. I put a flyer in our church bulletin asking for our members to consider donating their used “white elephant” household items to me so I could put them on EBay. One of the craziest items I got was several boxes of Colostomy Bags. The father of one of our members had a temporary colostomy and was “re-plumbed” and had leftovers. God provided over $100 for them on EBay!!"

The Internet is a blessed thing. Just think if he had to sell those door to door...


FREDLINE LIFESTYLES

Our Out-of-Context Quotes of the Week:

"Today's tip: Did you know writing in ALL CAPS is considered shouting?" --Yahoo.com

"I'm dont like pb&j how about fluffernutter! We will smell fresh and clean!" --Dawn, New York, New York

"Fred-there are a lot of pictures of frogs here, but not that many live ones " --Carrie, London, England

"I don't know how much more of this I can stand!!! Just discovered yet ANOTHER Byzantine Emperor in my background! WHATAMIGONNADOOOOOOOOOO???? Learn Greek, I guess!" --Don't Know, Don't Want to Know

"and ofcourse I love praising God and eating moms beefs stew!" --Some friend of the previous guy


EDITOR'S NOTES

I'd hate to end this on an honest note but this is important. Are you like me, constantly flipping off the newsman because you think he's full of uninformative, jingoist crap? Do you hate hearing the same five songs on the radio, fifteen times a day, for three months? Do you despise having to pay hidden "convenience fees" when buying concert tickets online? Are you not against political parties but can't stand partisanism? It's all interconnected. In the name of bigger profits, media conglomerates are gouging our wallets, straining journalistic integrity and erasing our culture. I'll let the MoveOn organization explain further:


"On June 2, the Federal Communications Commission is planning on authorizing sweeping changes to the American news media. The rule changes could allow your local TV stations, newspaper, radio stations, and cable provider to all be owned by one company. NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox could have the same corporate parent. The resulting concentration of ownership could be deeply destructive to our democracy.

"After the FCC and Congress relaxed radio ownership rules, corporate giant Clear Channel Communications swept in and bought hundreds of stations. Clear Channel has used its might to support pro-war political rallies and conservative talk shows, keep anti-war songs off its stations, coerce musicians into playing free promotional concerts, and bully them into performing at its music venues. In many towns that used to have a diverse array of radio options, Clear Channel is now the only thing on the dial.

"When we talk to Congresspeople about this issue, their response is usually the same: "We only hear from media lobbyists on this. It seems like my constituents aren't very concerned with this issue." A few thousand emails could permanently change that perception. Please join us in asking Congress and the FCC to fight media deregulation at:

"www.moveon.org/stopthefcc...lrrKCActw"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Have a ball and a biscuit -F

FREDLINE NEWS for Wednesday, 6 May 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FIRST EVER FREDLINE NEWS

And possibly the last, but let's see how it works out. I might do this once a week or so. If you don't want these E-mails, just Reply and say "Unsubscribe" or "You're A Horrible Person" or something similar. I used to make a weblog, so I'll just post this there instead. It's at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius in case you're interested. Hey, if this is the first issue, it's not an update it's not an update, is it? Huh.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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FREDLINE NEWS: MY CAT IS DISGUSTING

One night I came home and like usual, my cat followed me in. We have two cats, actually. One is black and white, and stupid. His name is Billy but we usually just call him Stupid. The one I let in is named Kramer, and he's pretty cool. But he's gross. So I started walking to the living room when I almost trip over Kramer, who's hunched down on the ground, refusing to move. It looked like he was trying to trap something. I stood back to get a good view and found the cat with half a mouse in his mouth, and the other half (the part with the tail) hanging out. The first thing I thought was "Why did he bring that inside?" Then the cat, with the mouse still in its mouth, whipped his head up real fast so the mouse flew like 10 feet in the air before landing on a chair in the dining room. The cat ran to pounce on it, and with the body between its teeth did one of those things that dogs do where they eat meat by shaking their head and growling. But the cat didn't eat it yet, it still wanted to play. (To which my second thought was, "Why doesn't he just eat it?") Then he body-slammed the mouse back on the floor again. I went outside to find a shovel to get rid of the mouse, not to bury it, but to find something to pick it up that had a long pole attached to it. When I came back to the house the cat was still going ape wild over this mouse, which upon further inspection was still alive, heart beating a mile a minute, with three giant holes in its underside and too scared to move. I got it on the shovel, walked outside, and catapulted it away.

For the rest of the night Kramer stood on his hind legs against the screen door, meowing to go outside. I knew what he was up to. And he kept looking back at me like "I have to go outside, and uh, do some stuff. I mean really, REALLY have to go outside now. It's important Cat Stuff, you wouldn't understand." Yeah right, Kramer. Now be a good cat and lick my dinner plate clean....On second thought, don't this time.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


FREDLINE NEWS: FRED GETS FREE QUR'AN, NO SERIOUS INJURIES

Today at 4:30 PM EST the FREDLINE NEWS offices received a package from the Royal Embassy of Saudi Arabia's Islamic Affairs. It had Arab writing on the box and everything. Knowing exactly what it was, our Senior Editor opened it, much to the dismay of Jerry, one of our Copy Editors. Questions raised ranged from "What's that?" to "Are you sure it's not a bomb?" FREDLINE NEWS would also like to report that they expected some cheap paperback copy of the Qur'an but this is a really nice hardcover, and that you can request free copies from www.iad.org. When asked about the book, our Senior Editor replied that "free stuff" is always good and reminisced about the Good Ol' Days when you spelled Qur'an with a K.


FREDLINE LIFESTYLES

The following is a true story by a "Jamie K." who submitted this story to the "UB Embarrassed" contest for the University at Buffalo's "Visions" newsletter:

"I have a serious gastric problem, so whenever I can't hold it back I try to make a joke like "pull my finger" or something. One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went in to my room to get dressed. My girlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to fart I said, "this is how much I love you" and at the same time I dropped a BIG surprise on the floor. It surprised me as much as her. I looked at my girl who had a look of horror on her face and my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe I had just took a dump on the floor in front of my girlfriend. I screamed to her "don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers. We broke up later that day and I haven't heard from her since."


FREDLINE WORD OF THE DAY: "FERGUSONIAN"

fur*GOO*so*Nee*enne

The act of offering advice without adequate life experience to back it up. Example:

"Joe": Fred. Listen. Listen to me for a second. This is what women want:
"Fred": How do you know what women want?
"Joe": I don't. But hear me out here...
"Fred": Why, are you a woman?
"Joe": Shut up.
"Fred": "Joe," sometimes you're so...Fergusonian...



EDITOR'S NOTES

Go ahead and forward this if you're bored. If anyone else wants this they can also E-mail me.



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FREDLINE NEWS EXTRA: WORLD CELEBRATES FRED'S BIRTHDAY

Fred's Birthday's Highlights in History
On April 25, 1792, highwayman Nicolas Jacques Pelletier became the first person under French law to be executed by the guillotine.
In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.
In 1898, the United States formally declared war on Spain.
In 1901, New York became the first state to require automobile license plates; the fee was $1.
In 1945, during World War II, U.S. and Soviet forces linked up on the Elbe River, a meeting that dramatized the collapse of Nazi Germany's defenses.
In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
In 1959, the St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping.
In 1983, Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith to visit his country after receiving a letter in which the Manchester, Maine, schoolgirl expressed fears about nuclear war.
In 1983, the ``Pioneer Ten'' spacecraft crossed Pluto's orbit, speeding on its endless voyage through the Milky Way.
In 1990, Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua, ending eleven years of leftist Sandinista rule.
In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope was deployed from the space shuttle Discovery.
Ten years ago: Hundreds of thousands of gay rights activists and their supporters marched in Washington D.C., demanding equal rights and freedom from discrimination. Voters in Russia participated in a referendum, giving President Boris N. Yeltsin a sturdy vote of confidence.
Five years ago: Whitewater prosecutors questioned first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on videotape about her work as a private lawyer for the failed savings and loan at the center of the investigation.
One year ago: President Bush hosted Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at his Texas ranch for a day of talks. The House voted 405-9 to abolish the embattled Immigration and Naturalization Service. Lisa ``Left Eye'' Lopes, the effervescent, sometimes volatile member of the Grammy-winning trio TLC, died in a car crash in Honduras; she was 30.

Today's Birthdays
Basketball Hall of Fame electee George ``Meadowlark'' Lemon is 71. Songwriter Jerry Leiber is 70. Actor Al Pacino is 63. Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 58. Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 58. Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers) is 53. Actor Hank Azaria ("Moe" from "The Simpsons") is 39. Rock singer Andy Bell (Erasure) is 39. Rock musician Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) is 38. Actress Renee Zellweger is 34.
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