FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 27 May 2003

FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: SPECIAL DAVE EDITION

After a recent Spring Cleaning I found myself with a pile of unpublished manuscripts from former roommate and current poet laureate of Blasdell, New York, Mr. David Hill. A short sample of the collection is posted below, including rough language, poor grammar, and, in some cases, newly invented words. (The typos are his as well.) This may be interesting to no one but myself. If you are not myself, you may unsubscribe by replying to this address? Ready? The rest of this E-mail will look like Picasso with dysentery.


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UNTITLED

DMX, you think you're the shiznoid.
I eat popcorn like it's my void.
All you suckers, wanna piece of the game?
I got sumpi9n' thatchya just can't name.
John Popper
Born in Asia Proper.
Thought it was Rash Hashana
Fired up the grill + ate
a Kilbasa.
A1 Steak sauce,
endorsed by Boss.
A - B's + C's, can't fite
the rex n'FX attack.
Extrapolate, cuz Wendy's
is in the house. Dave
Thomas farted out the
word mouse.
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ART HISTORY REFLECTION PAPER (NOT SUBMITTED)

David Hill
Modern Art
Prof. Marie Vahue
March 28, 2000

Albright-Knox Art Gallery Visit

On Thursday, March 9th, we visited the Albright-Knox Art Gallery in Buffalo. It was totally gay. The gift shop had a plethora of stupid crap I didn't want to buy, except the checkout girl was kind of old so I kept laughing at her flapping jowels. That was pretty cool. I was going to go up to her and say, "Ooh! Live chicken!" but I got scared when somebody set off the store alarm by mistake and then I turned around real fast and ran away. The snack bar was too expensive. Like five dollars for a stupid little sandwich. Screw that, I'd rather eat a stool. And I don't mean a barstool, either!
Oh well. ONe of the most memorable parts of our visitation was this paining called "Venus." It was the bomb because you could see her boobs. Her butt, too. She was laying down on a big clam shell or something, and it looked pretty windy out where she was because her hair was flowing all over the place. It reminded me of the famous hockey movie Youngblood, where the new star hockey player does it with that chick, and then she's lying down and you see her boobs. Yeah. Boobs are cool. Huh huh huh.
In retrospect, our visit to the Albright-Knox Art Gallery was full of magic wonderment, and ferocious gaiety. I would most definitely recommend that anyone who like old flappy-jowl ladies or movies with gratuitous tittie shots to run, not walk, to the Gallery, jog up the stairs, raise their arms like Rocky Balboa, and say "Ow! My cramp!" Thank you for reading, and remember that Tops never stops...saving you more. PEACE!



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BEAUTIFUL GIRL

Beautiful Girl
Around the world
Kiss the girl
She is your pearl
Mama's girl
Went to Rome
to find a home
He loves here so
but she had to go
What a @#%$ ho.
If she only knew
What he went threw
Her panties were blue
He kept them in his hope chest.
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NOTES INSIDE A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM A POET NAMED CAREY MARTIN:

Happy Birthday Freddo! I hope u like this card!
Im just peturbed that that Carey Martin biatch
said everything i waited so long to tell you.

Because this Ms. Martin girl, the card 'poet' we'll call her,
stole the words from my mouth, I will write you a better poem
here:
Fred, from the first day I saw you,
you reminded me of a ball--a happy
wrinkly, wrily grimy ball.
You've always got your wits about you,
Much like a ball has that sort of not quite rectangular
but not quite cylinder shape to it.
Like a ripple in the water,
You have gently touched my life and,
I just thought you would appreciated a birthday card on
your birthday.
so, there you have it, I've said what's on my mind,
and now I'm feelin fine, but baby, baby i'll be rootin
for ya. So have a happy one you party that rocks the house
that rocks the bottle or whatever the saying goes!

--Dave Jammers


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GOLDEN HEART, PURPLE HAWK


Golden heart, purple hawk

He was known to stalk, while writing poems.

He lost his way, yesterday, his best friend turned gay.

Who's that, down your pants, hands off, watch the boys.

He watches Dirty Dancing, with his mouth on the warm pot pie.

Can't find work so for now he dances, the Patrick Swayze that never was.

What might have been, if not for the bike with no seat. Should have listened to mom, safety first, and now he will never be able to enjoy the hard candy he once loved oh so very much.
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NOTE LEFT JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK:

I feel that it is imperative that I leave you all, in an ever so early fashion, not with fading memories of scant wisdom and keen comrogany, but instead with a sense of accomplishment.

As such, let me reflect on what we have all learned this semester:

1) 1+1=2, unless you're seeing other people
2) soup tastes better hot
3) mashed potatoes taste better when spelled w/out the "e"
4) in one fell swoop, all the love of anal sex one can possibly have comes crashing down in a whimper of laconic, prosaic poetic pain.
5) No goodbye; there's only bj's.
Be proud and be merry; be puttered.


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Professor Dr. David J. Hill's Course Schedule, Fall 2002:

*Representations of Jewish Thought and Practice in the Baked Goods Industry
*Exquisite Moments in the 1956 NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament
*Inculcating Basted Turkeys into Spying for the Administration
*Constructive Uses of Taco Bell Management Strategies
*Paltry Practices as Predictors of the Puff Pastry Pastime in Monolithic Islam (Part I)
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EDITOR'S NOTES

Though I do not know if I can attribute it to Dave, I also found an old envelope with my address filled out in the corner and another full address in the middle. Apparently someone wanted to dive the impression that I had written a personal letter. The writing said as follows:

The Gay Pride Association of America
1 Commerce Plaza
Washington, D.C. 10014-40219

Membership fees enclosed

A drawing of "Ace" and "Gary" could be found on the back, also known as The Ambiguously Gay Duo. I think we can end on that note.


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Fred, what do ya say...wanna be a Rastafarian? --Dave!!

[from a Post-It Note]


[Nota Bene 6/19/04: Some of these later revealed to be by Joe Ferguson and Jeff Gross. Props.]