www.adultswim.com/games/a...index.html
Awesome game!
In other important news, they caught Saddam Hussein the other day. It's awesome how this will finally end the war on terrorism! To celebrate, Iraqis stopped firing on American troops for a second and fired in the air instead. The bullets then fell on Americans.
Monday, December 15, 2003
Saturday, December 13, 2003
listen to Sleater-Kinney's "Dig Me Out" right now!
There will be a new FREDLINE NEWS. I'm working on it. It will be very obtuse. Meanwhile, someone explain why they developed Mini-M&M's. They were a choking hazard as it was! Gee, the executive said, I like our M&M's but I'm on a diet. Can we make them smaller? Right about then is when Dilbert slaps his forehead. Until I write the darned FN article, or they invent Intravenous Skittles, this is TS0 signing off.
There will be a new FREDLINE NEWS. I'm working on it. It will be very obtuse. Meanwhile, someone explain why they developed Mini-M&M's. They were a choking hazard as it was! Gee, the executive said, I like our M&M's but I'm on a diet. Can we make them smaller? Right about then is when Dilbert slaps his forehead. Until I write the darned FN article, or they invent Intravenous Skittles, this is TS0 signing off.
Monday, December 01, 2003
CD: White Stripes, "De Stijl"
Went to the casino last night. The ID guy looks at the card, looks at me and says "Well hey! You've got the same birthday as me!" and I say "April 25? Huh!" and he lets me pass. Then my friends start talking about the weird questions that THEY were asked and it finally dawns on me: his birthday probably wasn't on April 25! Then I lost 3 of my $5 and ate at Denny's. Don't eat the Breakfast Dagwood. Le fin!
Went to the casino last night. The ID guy looks at the card, looks at me and says "Well hey! You've got the same birthday as me!" and I say "April 25? Huh!" and he lets me pass. Then my friends start talking about the weird questions that THEY were asked and it finally dawns on me: his birthday probably wasn't on April 25! Then I lost 3 of my $5 and ate at Denny's. Don't eat the Breakfast Dagwood. Le fin!
Saturday, November 29, 2003
Listening to: OutKast
The guy at Kinko's said the copies and the binding would take about 35 minutes, but it ended up being about 1:40. So I was really late for work. Not that I wanted to work. I didn't work that hard when I got there. Also, Joe (from "Joe's Blog") told me to write about what a jerk he is on my blog, so here it is. Man, that Joe, what a jerk! My apartment smells like bean soup. I'm a bit constipated. My alarm clock is set to play Iggy Pop and The Stooges' "Search and Destroy" tomorrow morning. Before I go to work at noon, I have to fill my car with gas. You're this close to reading Adult Swim News here. (If you get that one, E-mail me. We'll hang out.)
The guy at Kinko's said the copies and the binding would take about 35 minutes, but it ended up being about 1:40. So I was really late for work. Not that I wanted to work. I didn't work that hard when I got there. Also, Joe (from "Joe's Blog") told me to write about what a jerk he is on my blog, so here it is. Man, that Joe, what a jerk! My apartment smells like bean soup. I'm a bit constipated. My alarm clock is set to play Iggy Pop and The Stooges' "Search and Destroy" tomorrow morning. Before I go to work at noon, I have to fill my car with gas. You're this close to reading Adult Swim News here. (If you get that one, E-mail me. We'll hang out.)
Friday, November 28, 2003
Listening to: Outkast
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. More importantly, I beat Shadowgate. Shadowgate was an old Nintendo game that used to give me nightmares because whenever you died a giant Grim Reaper would come on the screen. Also, you could get eaten alive by alligators or set on fire. You never saw any of that, but it SUGGESTED it would happen. Anyway, I downloaded a list of all the secrets for the game and walked through it. That's when I realized that there is no possible way I could have beaten it by myself...in fact, I don't know anyone who has. Once I went to this family's house and they were trying to beat it for a second time, but forgot how. It's that hard. I believe no one has ever finished the game without cheating. Meanwhile, the Grim Reaper is still a bit freaky.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. More importantly, I beat Shadowgate. Shadowgate was an old Nintendo game that used to give me nightmares because whenever you died a giant Grim Reaper would come on the screen. Also, you could get eaten alive by alligators or set on fire. You never saw any of that, but it SUGGESTED it would happen. Anyway, I downloaded a list of all the secrets for the game and walked through it. That's when I realized that there is no possible way I could have beaten it by myself...in fact, I don't know anyone who has. Once I went to this family's house and they were trying to beat it for a second time, but forgot how. It's that hard. I believe no one has ever finished the game without cheating. Meanwhile, the Grim Reaper is still a bit freaky.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Monday, November 24, 2003
Was listening to: 94.5
So my brother and a friend and I went to Krispy Kreme at about 2 in the morning. One worker there ran up to the drive-thru window and yelled "HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE CINNAMON DOUGHNUT?" He was pretty hyper. As my friend Richie described it, "It looked liked the teeth were falling out of his head." Too much sugar for that dude. So I guess Richie is a friend...he's really my brother's friend...then again that means I only have like two friends if I can't count people I've met through other friends. Richie said goodbye but I didn't really say goodbye back; I had a doughnut in my mouth. Creme-filled. Mmm.
So my brother and a friend and I went to Krispy Kreme at about 2 in the morning. One worker there ran up to the drive-thru window and yelled "HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE CINNAMON DOUGHNUT?" He was pretty hyper. As my friend Richie described it, "It looked liked the teeth were falling out of his head." Too much sugar for that dude. So I guess Richie is a friend...he's really my brother's friend...then again that means I only have like two friends if I can't count people I've met through other friends. Richie said goodbye but I didn't really say goodbye back; I had a doughnut in my mouth. Creme-filled. Mmm.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Watching: America's Funniest Videos"
So my dad was watching this and I haven't seen it in years. If you only watch it every five years it can have some funny parts... But the best part of the show is that it's totally bourgeois. Everyone is ugly and poor, just like the rest of us! I mean, they'll dress up to go get their prize in Los Angeles, but their home videos make them look really really bad. I guess we all wear ratty clothes when we're around the house, so now I can feel better about myself.
So my dad was watching this and I haven't seen it in years. If you only watch it every five years it can have some funny parts... But the best part of the show is that it's totally bourgeois. Everyone is ugly and poor, just like the rest of us! I mean, they'll dress up to go get their prize in Los Angeles, but their home videos make them look really really bad. I guess we all wear ratty clothes when we're around the house, so now I can feel better about myself.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Listening to: Tech TV
So anyway I was at the mall yesterday. I saw this woman dragging a kid outside the mall and she was MAD. Meanwhile the kid would not stop screaming, so I kind of figured out what was up. When their car pulled around I also saw the woman turn around and give the sign language sign for "SIT DOWN!" In conclusion, not only could the kid scream at the top of his lungs to get what he wanted, he was also deaf. He's a genious.
So anyway I was at the mall yesterday. I saw this woman dragging a kid outside the mall and she was MAD. Meanwhile the kid would not stop screaming, so I kind of figured out what was up. When their car pulled around I also saw the woman turn around and give the sign language sign for "SIT DOWN!" In conclusion, not only could the kid scream at the top of his lungs to get what he wanted, he was also deaf. He's a genious.
Listening to: Jamaican-tinged SMB3 credits music
So Ed found a really good emulator and made the mistake of telling me about it. I downloaded Super Mario Bros. 3 and played it all day, all the way through. I didn't think I still had it in me but I did; in fact it was the best I'd ever done it. Once I played it through when I was like 12 or 13 and it took 3 days, but I did it within the course of an afternoon. Pretty good considering how many years it's been. It's like those movies where the character gets anmesia... "I think I have to jump here, but I don't know why...[bonk][1-UP falls from sky]...Awesome!" Now if only I could remember the GREs like that.
So Ed found a really good emulator and made the mistake of telling me about it. I downloaded Super Mario Bros. 3 and played it all day, all the way through. I didn't think I still had it in me but I did; in fact it was the best I'd ever done it. Once I played it through when I was like 12 or 13 and it took 3 days, but I did it within the course of an afternoon. Pretty good considering how many years it's been. It's like those movies where the character gets anmesia... "I think I have to jump here, but I don't know why...[bonk][1-UP falls from sky]...Awesome!" Now if only I could remember the GREs like that.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Listening to: CBC Radio 2
In case you haven't noticed, I gave up on FREDLINE NEWS (for now) and am back to the blogs. For all 3 of you that read the bloody things.
Last night we went to see Chris Rock perform. Before I went I told everybody that he'd talk about "being black and smoking crack." It was my theory that almost all of his punchlines ended with "black", "crack", or something else that kind of rhymes, like "cracka!" I was only half right. The rest are "b****" and "f***!" Of course everything in between was pretty insightful; a biting social commentary. But when going for the big punchline laugh, you just gotta say, "f*** b****, where's my crack!?"
In case you haven't noticed, I gave up on FREDLINE NEWS (for now) and am back to the blogs. For all 3 of you that read the bloody things.
Last night we went to see Chris Rock perform. Before I went I told everybody that he'd talk about "being black and smoking crack." It was my theory that almost all of his punchlines ended with "black", "crack", or something else that kind of rhymes, like "cracka!" I was only half right. The rest are "b****" and "f***!" Of course everything in between was pretty insightful; a biting social commentary. But when going for the big punchline laugh, you just gotta say, "f*** b****, where's my crack!?"
Friday, October 31, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Friday, 31 October 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: BOO
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, FREDLINE NEWS comes along to tug at the bottom of your swim trunks. Past issues can be found at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. To unsubscribe, beg for mercy by responding to this address. Forwarding permitted (bring two forms of I.D.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEY KIDS, EAT MORE CHEESE!
Cheese--EXTREME DAIRY! Now in Neon Yellow! Eat it any way you want! Cheese is AWESOME! Now back to SpongeBob Squarepants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREDLINE NEWS: HEY HEY HEY
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one. About a month ago I was driving through Lackawanna, New York. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. In front of me was a car going about six miles per hour. No--less. As I drove around it I noticed several things:
1) The driver's door was open
2) There was a rope coming out of the passenger window
3) The driver was obese
4) There was a dog walking on the sidewalk
5) The dog was attached to the rope
Until that moment, I was like one of you. I would watch the news reports saying "Americans are fatter than ever!" and think nothing of it. It's when you see A WOMAN TOO LAZY TO GET OUT OF THE CAR TO WALK HER DOG that you realize our country really is in trouble. I don't want to sound like a sympathizer, but Lackawanna (allegedly) was the home to the Lackawanna Six Al-Qaida cell. My guess is those six, thin, first-generation Americans saw this fatso waving them by in her Lincoln and thought to themselves, "my family is starving across the sea, I work like a dog at my crappy job to make my mortgage payments, everybody hates my homeland, culture, religion, and accent, and here is this humungous white lady with no job, no desire to WALK, no common sense, and enough blubber for three whaling expeditions! Democracy my arse!"
The next time I see this woman I'm taking her dog. And that's the freaking news! Happy Halloween!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a funny cartoon: homestarrunner.com/homestarloween.html
Here is another one: www.villagevoice.com/issu...sutton.php
And here is yet another: members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIELD DAY 2003 MEMORIES
It's been several months now, but who could forget Field Day: the proposed mega-music festival that went from a 2-day outdoors picnic to a half-day, rainsoaked mess ending up with Beck in the hospital. I just found my poncho in the closet! Also this testimony:
"As if the whole event wasn't enough of a total disaster," one spectator was quoted as saying, "my girlfriend ate a hot dog from one of Giants Stadium's fine concessionaires and ended up getting food poisoning, so we had to leave early to handle the puking. After dealing with all the other Field Day s***, I didn't even get to see more than couple of Radiohead songs -- the only possible saving grace of the crummy Festival. My girlfriend was spewing, shaking and green-faced for the rest of the night (a very expensive night I might add). Anybody else get sick off the nasty-assed food they were slinging?"
In related news, second-stage act Elliot Smith just killed himself this week.
Field Day was THAT bad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREDLINE NEWS: COLLECTING FOR UNICEF!
To make up for this issue, the next FREDLINE NEWS will feature a feature interview with Moses. No, not Malone, but the real Moses. (His last name is Spiegelbaum.) He's got a new memoir out, "Blood From a Stone: My Years as Israeli Prime Minister." Should be interesting. If you have any questions for Moses, please E-mail FREDLINE NEWS at TomServo0@aol.com. We'll ask as many as we'll have space for. And now, if you do a quick Google search, "Girls Jumping On Trampolines."
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, FREDLINE NEWS comes along to tug at the bottom of your swim trunks. Past issues can be found at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. To unsubscribe, beg for mercy by responding to this address. Forwarding permitted (bring two forms of I.D.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEY KIDS, EAT MORE CHEESE!
Cheese--EXTREME DAIRY! Now in Neon Yellow! Eat it any way you want! Cheese is AWESOME!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREDLINE NEWS: HEY HEY HEY
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one. About a month ago I was driving through Lackawanna, New York. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon. In front of me was a car going about six miles per hour. No--less. As I drove around it I noticed several things:
1) The driver's door was open
2) There was a rope coming out of the passenger window
3) The driver was obese
4) There was a dog walking on the sidewalk
5) The dog was attached to the rope
Until that moment, I was like one of you. I would watch the news reports saying "Americans are fatter than ever!" and think nothing of it. It's when you see A WOMAN TOO LAZY TO GET OUT OF THE CAR TO WALK HER DOG that you realize our country really is in trouble. I don't want to sound like a sympathizer, but Lackawanna (allegedly) was the home to the Lackawanna Six Al-Qaida cell. My guess is those six, thin, first-generation Americans saw this fatso waving them by in her Lincoln and thought to themselves, "my family is starving across the sea, I work like a dog at my crappy job to make my mortgage payments, everybody hates my homeland, culture, religion, and accent, and here is this humungous white lady with no job, no desire to WALK, no common sense, and enough blubber for three whaling expeditions! Democracy my arse!"
The next time I see this woman I'm taking her dog. And that's the freaking news! Happy Halloween!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a funny cartoon: homestarrunner.com/homestarloween.html
Here is another one: www.villagevoice.com/issu...sutton.php
And here is yet another: members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIELD DAY 2003 MEMORIES
It's been several months now, but who could forget Field Day: the proposed mega-music festival that went from a 2-day outdoors picnic to a half-day, rainsoaked mess ending up with Beck in the hospital. I just found my poncho in the closet! Also this testimony:
"As if the whole event wasn't enough of a total disaster," one spectator was quoted as saying, "my girlfriend ate a hot dog from one of Giants Stadium's fine concessionaires and ended up getting food poisoning, so we had to leave early to handle the puking. After dealing with all the other Field Day s***, I didn't even get to see more than couple of Radiohead songs -- the only possible saving grace of the crummy Festival. My girlfriend was spewing, shaking and green-faced for the rest of the night (a very expensive night I might add). Anybody else get sick off the nasty-assed food they were slinging?"
In related news, second-stage act Elliot Smith just killed himself this week.
Field Day was THAT bad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREDLINE NEWS: COLLECTING FOR UNICEF!
To make up for this issue, the next FREDLINE NEWS will feature a feature interview with Moses. No, not Malone, but the real Moses. (His last name is Spiegelbaum.) He's got a new memoir out, "Blood From a Stone: My Years as Israeli Prime Minister." Should be interesting. If you have any questions for Moses, please E-mail FREDLINE NEWS at TomServo0@aol.com. We'll ask as many as we'll have space for. And now, if you do a quick Google search, "Girls Jumping On Trampolines."
Friday, September 26, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Friday, 26 September 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: IF YOU'RE "WEBCAMSUZY99," STOP IMing ME
FREDLINE NEWS is brought to you by the letters V and H and the number 1. Please reply to this address to lavish praise upon our news team for their astounding journalistic prowess. We also handle unsubscriptions. Sorry, Virginia! (There is no Santa Claus.) Back issues are posted for reasons of archeological research at http://pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius and now at http://dissek.com/webboard for no reason whatsoever. Skynyrd rules.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
PANTENE PRO-V IS THE BOMB
I lost my shampoo bottle in a hotel room in Chicago right after I checked out. After going back to the front desk to ask if they'd seen anything while cleaning up, a delightful cleaning lady appeared like Tinkerbell out of nowhere and let me down a maze of corridors to the secret lair of the maintenance department, a Never-Never Land where lost items remain forever young. She let me look through a locker overflowing with pirate treasure, but alas, no Eckerd-brand $1.19 Value Size. Then came the magic words: "Take whatever you want."
There were clothes and towels, but that seemed a little shady. I didn't come to loot, after all, I came for 'poo, so I grabbed the only bottle I could find. There it was. Pantene Pro-V 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner Classic Clean 400 mL (13.5 FL OZ). The last month has been a renaissance. Pantene's enriched "Pro-Vitamin" formula keeps my normal hair lustrous and healthy-looking from roots to ends. It cleans without stripping and conditions with balanced moisture in one step. My hair stays balanced, strong, healthy-looking, responding to my hair's structure to help bring out the beauty that's mine alone. Now all I have to do is dispense product into palm and rub hands together, apply shampoo to wet hair, massaging scalp with fingertips in a rotating motion, work lather through to ends, rinse thoroughly, and repeat if desired, and all is right with the world. I use it daily. Even better, I know that it's gentle enough to use on my permed or color-treated hair. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS CORRECTIONS
--UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan does not have an alpaca ranch in Arkansas. He sold it in 1983.
--A recent obituary claims that Ms. Greta Pellington of Tonawanda died this Tuesday. The publication of this pre-written obituary was unfortunate, as she is still very much alive and kicking, buried with her coffin.
--The FREDLINE NEWS Editorial Department greatly regrets its coarse reply to a letter sent in by a Joshua D. of Buffalo, who after describing himself as a "nonpracticing Unitarian" got the response, "Isn't that an oxymoron?" The staff does not apologize for the error.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS ANCHORETTE OF THE MONTH AWARD
Special congratulations go to Michaela Pereira of TechTV for winning the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette Award for September 2003. A member of the TechTV news team since 1998, this fabulous adopted Canadian has made inspecting gadgets the best thing on television since...since "Inspector Gadget" was on television! Check out an eerie stalker pic page at http://members.cts.com/beach/j/johnson/techtvbabes.htm today!
That's all for now, see you in October.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
TomServo0: JEFF
jeff80: DERF
TomServo0: SUP
jeff80: not much, yo
TomServo0: here also is another benefit of AOL:
TomServo0: "Hear Hillary Duff's New CD: 'Metamorphosis' is on AOL but not in stores, Listen!"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: HEY
TomServo0: english question
jeff80: HEY SHOOT
TomServo0: what goes first in alphabetical order, "I've" or "in"
TomServo0: i guess i could look at a dictionary for this, huh
jeff80: depends --- there are dictionaries that do it both ways --- i'd put i've first
TomServo0: do you think it's 2 words?
jeff80: yeah
TomServo0: i think it's one
TomServo0: but i'd say the apostrophe precedes letters
jeff80: is "i have" one word or two?
TomServo0: "con·trac·tion n.
A word, as won't from will not, or phrase, as o'clock from of the clock, formed by omitting or combining some of the sounds of a longer phrase.
The formation of such a word."
jeff80: i don't buy it
jeff80: because in academic writing you can't use contractions because they're just viewed as abbreviations
TomServo0: that doesn't mean they're not singular words, it just suggests they're informal
TomServo0: "Edward80: I would say perhaps an expression. Its like 1.5 words" "TomServo0: that's stupid"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: "Edward80: Well, its not one word, and not quite two" "TomServo0: get off the fence, ed!"
TomServo0: the intelligencia needs you now
jeff80: you're really bored, aren't you?
TomServo0: "Edward80: Okay, one word. that is my opinion" "TomServo0: YES! i win!"
jeff80: i'm still saying 2 words
TomServo0: geez, and you're an english major
TomServo0: EVERYBODY knows a contraction is one word
TomServo0: unless they're less than three minutes apart, then they are about to be 2
jeff80: ?
jeff80: i just gave ed the ultimate defense of 2 words
TomServo0: send it over
jeff80: "Edward80: I say one, because there is no space or gap between the two words
jeff80: but the apostrophe says that a space exists, unlike a compound word, where the words blend together
Edward80: good point jeff80: plus, there are no apostrophes when you play scrabble!"
TomServo0: ah, jeff, how many words are in this sentence: "Bob's car is red."
jeff80: that's a possessive
jeff80: completely different
TomServo0: it's an apostrophe
jeff80: but it does't denote that something's missing
TomServo0: in a contraction, yes. but it creates an entirely new word while still referring to a phrase
jeff80: no
jeff80: what's the difference between Dr. and doctor
TomServo0: what if they'd decided to spell "Dr." "D'r"?
TomServo0: (that's a red herring)
jeff80: yeah - i know
TomServo0: Dr. and doctor are two different words that mean almost the same thing
TomServo0: and one can't be used in scrabble, but so what?
jeff80: what is the point of this conversation, anyhow?
TomServo0: to discuss the 2 word proposition!
TomServo0: and NOW, because i'm winning the argument, you're clintoning out!
jeff80: no - because i never was really involved fully - since i'm working on important stuff
TomServo0: mmhmm
TomServo0: this will probably go in the next fredline news
TomServo0: speaking of important stuff
FREDLINE NEWS is brought to you by the letters V and H and the number 1. Please reply to this address to lavish praise upon our news team for their astounding journalistic prowess. We also handle unsubscriptions. Sorry, Virginia! (There is no Santa Claus.) Back issues are posted for reasons of archeological research at http://pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius and now at http://dissek.com/webboard for no reason whatsoever. Skynyrd rules.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
PANTENE PRO-V IS THE BOMB
I lost my shampoo bottle in a hotel room in Chicago right after I checked out. After going back to the front desk to ask if they'd seen anything while cleaning up, a delightful cleaning lady appeared like Tinkerbell out of nowhere and let me down a maze of corridors to the secret lair of the maintenance department, a Never-Never Land where lost items remain forever young. She let me look through a locker overflowing with pirate treasure, but alas, no Eckerd-brand $1.19 Value Size. Then came the magic words: "Take whatever you want."
There were clothes and towels, but that seemed a little shady. I didn't come to loot, after all, I came for 'poo, so I grabbed the only bottle I could find. There it was. Pantene Pro-V 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner Classic Clean 400 mL (13.5 FL OZ). The last month has been a renaissance. Pantene's enriched "Pro-Vitamin" formula keeps my normal hair lustrous and healthy-looking from roots to ends. It cleans without stripping and conditions with balanced moisture in one step. My hair stays balanced, strong, healthy-looking, responding to my hair's structure to help bring out the beauty that's mine alone. Now all I have to do is dispense product into palm and rub hands together, apply shampoo to wet hair, massaging scalp with fingertips in a rotating motion, work lather through to ends, rinse thoroughly, and repeat if desired, and all is right with the world. I use it daily. Even better, I know that it's gentle enough to use on my permed or color-treated hair. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS CORRECTIONS
--UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan does not have an alpaca ranch in Arkansas. He sold it in 1983.
--A recent obituary claims that Ms. Greta Pellington of Tonawanda died this Tuesday. The publication of this pre-written obituary was unfortunate, as she is still very much alive and kicking, buried with her coffin.
--The FREDLINE NEWS Editorial Department greatly regrets its coarse reply to a letter sent in by a Joshua D. of Buffalo, who after describing himself as a "nonpracticing Unitarian" got the response, "Isn't that an oxymoron?" The staff does not apologize for the error.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS ANCHORETTE OF THE MONTH AWARD
Special congratulations go to Michaela Pereira of TechTV for winning the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette Award for September 2003. A member of the TechTV news team since 1998, this fabulous adopted Canadian has made inspecting gadgets the best thing on television since...since "Inspector Gadget" was on television! Check out an eerie stalker pic page at http://members.cts.com/beach/j/johnson/techtvbabes.htm today!
That's all for now, see you in October.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
TomServo0: JEFF
jeff80: DERF
TomServo0: SUP
jeff80: not much, yo
TomServo0: here also is another benefit of AOL:
TomServo0: "Hear Hillary Duff's New CD: 'Metamorphosis' is on AOL but not in stores, Listen!"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: HEY
TomServo0: english question
jeff80: HEY SHOOT
TomServo0: what goes first in alphabetical order, "I've" or "in"
TomServo0: i guess i could look at a dictionary for this, huh
jeff80: depends --- there are dictionaries that do it both ways --- i'd put i've first
TomServo0: do you think it's 2 words?
jeff80: yeah
TomServo0: i think it's one
TomServo0: but i'd say the apostrophe precedes letters
jeff80: is "i have" one word or two?
TomServo0: "con·trac·tion n.
A word, as won't from will not, or phrase, as o'clock from of the clock, formed by omitting or combining some of the sounds of a longer phrase.
The formation of such a word."
jeff80: i don't buy it
jeff80: because in academic writing you can't use contractions because they're just viewed as abbreviations
TomServo0: that doesn't mean they're not singular words, it just suggests they're informal
TomServo0: "Edward80: I would say perhaps an expression. Its like 1.5 words" "TomServo0: that's stupid"
jeff80: lol
TomServo0: "Edward80: Well, its not one word, and not quite two" "TomServo0: get off the fence, ed!"
TomServo0: the intelligencia needs you now
jeff80: you're really bored, aren't you?
TomServo0: "Edward80: Okay, one word. that is my opinion" "TomServo0: YES! i win!"
jeff80: i'm still saying 2 words
TomServo0: geez, and you're an english major
TomServo0: EVERYBODY knows a contraction is one word
TomServo0: unless they're less than three minutes apart, then they are about to be 2
jeff80: ?
jeff80: i just gave ed the ultimate defense of 2 words
TomServo0: send it over
jeff80: "Edward80: I say one, because there is no space or gap between the two words
jeff80: but the apostrophe says that a space exists, unlike a compound word, where the words blend together
Edward80: good point jeff80: plus, there are no apostrophes when you play scrabble!"
TomServo0: ah, jeff, how many words are in this sentence: "Bob's car is red."
jeff80: that's a possessive
jeff80: completely different
TomServo0: it's an apostrophe
jeff80: but it does't denote that something's missing
TomServo0: in a contraction, yes. but it creates an entirely new word while still referring to a phrase
jeff80: no
jeff80: what's the difference between Dr. and doctor
TomServo0: what if they'd decided to spell "Dr." "D'r"?
TomServo0: (that's a red herring)
jeff80: yeah - i know
TomServo0: Dr. and doctor are two different words that mean almost the same thing
TomServo0: and one can't be used in scrabble, but so what?
jeff80: what is the point of this conversation, anyhow?
TomServo0: to discuss the 2 word proposition!
TomServo0: and NOW, because i'm winning the argument, you're clintoning out!
jeff80: no - because i never was really involved fully - since i'm working on important stuff
TomServo0: mmhmm
TomServo0: this will probably go in the next fredline news
TomServo0: speaking of important stuff
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 26 August 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FREDLINE NEWS PUBLISHED
Always late but always timely, FREDLINE NEWS is the official electronic publication for Amish Country. E-mail ezekiel@horsenbuggy.com for more details. We are probably a subsidiary of AOL Time Warner. If this is already too painful, reply to this address, type "unsubscribe," and demand a refund. Past issues are found in an old shoebox at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. All rights reserved. All lefts righted. All wrongs reversed. All right all ready.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NEW YORK CITY RE-ENACTS R.E.M. VIDEO
Residents throughout the tri-state area recently got the chance to participate in what will be remembered by the Guinness Book of World Records as the "World's Largest Re-enactment of a Music Video." Hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers hit the streets simultaneously to perform the end scene of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts."
The New York Municipal Power Authority cooperated by diverting all of the city's power grid to be used by local, national and international media agencies to film the event for posterity.
"I can't believe it," re-enacted one anchorwoman as she viewed helicopter shots of gridlocked cars being passed by legions of streetwalking pedestrians. She continued with the video's dialogue. "They all just . . . got out and walked! [gasps] This is . . . unbelievable."
Mayor Bloomberg's office is considering more mass re-enactments to bring much-need tourism to the area. The last major intra-city performance--a staging of the Will Smith action vehicle "Independence Day"--in the autumn of 2001 brought rave reviews.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Beautiful Russian Women Are Looking For Love!
You can find them right here.
The Russian women likes to look pretty.
She likes to dress well when she walks in the city street to her destination. She wears a dress and pumps, or a suit with a blouse and jewelry. She is concerned about her weight, her hair, how she presents herself.
Meet These Women Right Now! Visit Our Site at www.writetoabride.com/?oc=5215
Searching And Still Haven't Found A That Someone Special?
Don't spend another day alone, you can browse through our database of pictures and bio's of beautiful Russian women looking for a western man just like you!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DESIGNATED DRIVER FALLS ASLEEP AT WHEEL
Buffalo--Francis Shrode, 23 hit the broad side of a barn last Saturday night after falling asleep at the wheel. There were two passengers in the car at the time of the accident, police reported. The passengers, Sharon Gaulle and Jonah Fergis, also of Buffalo, possessed an above-average blood alcohol content.
According to the police, Francis, the designated driver, was extremely fatigued after a long night of drinking at a local bar, in which he did not participate. Witnesses at the bar reported a loser matching Francis' description "drowning" himself in ginger ale and, as one patron remembered, "sucking down bowls of free peanuts like an elephant with an eating disorder" until last call at 4:00 a.m.
Because Shrode was not drunk when the accident occurred, his injuries were much more serious. Gaulle and Fergis suffered minor scrapes and bruises, while Shrode received a minor concussion, a broken hand, and a bruised ego because he was the dumb one out of a group of three drunks, and he wasn't even drunk.
Al Sharpton, always having something to say, had something to say. "Anybody in their right mind would pull over if they were tired. They would AT LEAST try to hail a cab! Sharpton is currently at 3% in Presidential election polls, with a margin of error at plus or minus 3%.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Linda Stouffer, FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month for May 2003, had her baby boy. On May 8, just before Mother's Day, little Wyatt Russell Strassman was born to Ms. Stouffer and her husband, CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassman. Ms. Stouffer just recently returned to her anchoring job at CNN Headline News. What tenacity, coming back after only three months! For this Ms. Stouffer has been awarded FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the month for August as well. Congratulations again!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITORIAL NOTE
On a truly sad note, Wesley Willis died last week at age 40. For those of you who don't know, Wesley was an artist and musician from Chicago. Though born into poverty, abused as a child, schizophrenic, mentally slow, obese, and the victim of violent attacks, he went through live happy and more importantly, made countless others happy with him. His songs were both vicious and redeeming at the same time. I and several of you have met and talked to him at least once and it was always great to see him again, with a smile on his face, ready to "rah" and "ro" with his countless fans all over the world. Wesley died from heart complications after being diagnosed with leukemia and undergoing an operation for internal bleeding this year. Find out more about him at his label's website at www.alternativetentacles.com.
Rock over London
Rock on Chicago
Always late but always timely, FREDLINE NEWS is the official electronic publication for Amish Country. E-mail ezekiel@horsenbuggy.com for more details. We are probably a subsidiary of AOL Time Warner. If this is already too painful, reply to this address, type "unsubscribe," and demand a refund. Past issues are found in an old shoebox at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius. All rights reserved. All lefts righted. All wrongs reversed. All right all ready.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NEW YORK CITY RE-ENACTS R.E.M. VIDEO
Residents throughout the tri-state area recently got the chance to participate in what will be remembered by the Guinness Book of World Records as the "World's Largest Re-enactment of a Music Video." Hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers hit the streets simultaneously to perform the end scene of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts."
The New York Municipal Power Authority cooperated by diverting all of the city's power grid to be used by local, national and international media agencies to film the event for posterity.
"I can't believe it," re-enacted one anchorwoman as she viewed helicopter shots of gridlocked cars being passed by legions of streetwalking pedestrians. She continued with the video's dialogue. "They all just . . . got out and walked! [gasps] This is . . . unbelievable."
Mayor Bloomberg's office is considering more mass re-enactments to bring much-need tourism to the area. The last major intra-city performance--a staging of the Will Smith action vehicle "Independence Day"--in the autumn of 2001 brought rave reviews.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Beautiful Russian Women Are Looking For Love!
You can find them right here.
The Russian women likes to look pretty.
She likes to dress well when she walks in the city street to her destination. She wears a dress and pumps, or a suit with a blouse and jewelry. She is concerned about her weight, her hair, how she presents herself.
Meet These Women Right Now! Visit Our Site at www.writetoabride.com/?oc=5215
Searching And Still Haven't Found A That Someone Special?
Don't spend another day alone, you can browse through our database of pictures and bio's of beautiful Russian women looking for a western man just like you!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DESIGNATED DRIVER FALLS ASLEEP AT WHEEL
Buffalo--Francis Shrode, 23 hit the broad side of a barn last Saturday night after falling asleep at the wheel. There were two passengers in the car at the time of the accident, police reported. The passengers, Sharon Gaulle and Jonah Fergis, also of Buffalo, possessed an above-average blood alcohol content.
According to the police, Francis, the designated driver, was extremely fatigued after a long night of drinking at a local bar, in which he did not participate. Witnesses at the bar reported a loser matching Francis' description "drowning" himself in ginger ale and, as one patron remembered, "sucking down bowls of free peanuts like an elephant with an eating disorder" until last call at 4:00 a.m.
Because Shrode was not drunk when the accident occurred, his injuries were much more serious. Gaulle and Fergis suffered minor scrapes and bruises, while Shrode received a minor concussion, a broken hand, and a bruised ego because he was the dumb one out of a group of three drunks, and he wasn't even drunk.
Al Sharpton, always having something to say, had something to say. "Anybody in their right mind would pull over if they were tired. They would AT LEAST try to hail a cab! Sharpton is currently at 3% in Presidential election polls, with a margin of error at plus or minus 3%.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Linda Stouffer, FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month for May 2003, had her baby boy. On May 8, just before Mother's Day, little Wyatt Russell Strassman was born to Ms. Stouffer and her husband, CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassman. Ms. Stouffer just recently returned to her anchoring job at CNN Headline News. What tenacity, coming back after only three months! For this Ms. Stouffer has been awarded FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the month for August as well. Congratulations again!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITORIAL NOTE
On a truly sad note, Wesley Willis died last week at age 40. For those of you who don't know, Wesley was an artist and musician from Chicago. Though born into poverty, abused as a child, schizophrenic, mentally slow, obese, and the victim of violent attacks, he went through live happy and more importantly, made countless others happy with him. His songs were both vicious and redeeming at the same time. I and several of you have met and talked to him at least once and it was always great to see him again, with a smile on his face, ready to "rah" and "ro" with his countless fans all over the world. Wesley died from heart complications after being diagnosed with leukemia and undergoing an operation for internal bleeding this year. Find out more about him at his label's website at www.alternativetentacles.com.
Rock over London
Rock on Chicago
Saturday, July 26, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Saturday, 26 July 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: NOT ANOTHER ONE OF THESE THINGS
If you do not want these anymore, please reply and say so. Please use "please" when doing so, because your mother taught you manners. You can use the old E-mails to line the cage of your Tamogatchi pet. I think that's how it's spelled. For anyone that likes to see the same thing in two different formats (e.g. Betamax, for example) it is posted on pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DRINK MORE OVALTINE
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE SPORTS: INJURY HAMPERS ENGLISH MAJOR'S CHANCES OF MAKING NFL DRAFT
Terre Haute, IN: It could take several weeks of rehab, but the repercussions of last Tuesday's fall during an afternoon run could put Jeffrey Grose out of the running for the next NFL Draft.
Grose, a graduate student at Indiana State University, wanted to be eligible for the NFL Draft hoping to be drafted by the nearby Indianapolis Colts.
"Yeah, I've been limping around a little, so I'll have to stop running for a while. I think I pulled something," the dejected athlete remarked. "Maybe next year."
Grose runs several times a week, depending on his study schedule and weather conditions. Though never playing in professional or collegiate sports, he was a member of several intramural football teams and played countless 1-on-1 basketball games with his younger brother. Once last November Grose remarked that it would "be really cool if I got drafted in the last rounds of the [NFL] Draft. Dude I'd be rich." Though expressing at numerous occations that NFL players are overpaid babies, sources close to Grosse have hinted that a large NFL salary would not hinder his decision to enter the league.
The Colts front office was unavailable for comment.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS WORLD TOUR
The FREDLINE NEWS staff will be in the Czech Republic for the next 2-3 weeks, doing--of course--The Lord's Work. Though there are unknown hazards ahead, one thing is certain: we here at FREDLINE NEWS are prepared for the threat of terrorism, whether here or abroad.
As per recent comments by President George "Wuh?" Bush taunting would-be terrorists to "come and get us" [That's a paraphrase. We don't do a lot of fact-checking], we offer those same terrorists the following scenario:
--You (the terrorist) tries to hijack our international flight to Frankfurt
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) goes Passenger 57 on your hiney.
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) become national heroes, appearing on Letterman (NOT Leno, unless he offers more $$), Charlie Rose, and of course Larry King.
--During the call-in session at Larry King, the recently-returned-home Jessica Lynch rings me up to applaud our bravery in the face of impending doom.
--We reply, with a sly grin and a wink, "Hey, you're not so bad yourself."
--We (our staff, and Jessica Lynch) chat for a while about being heroes, the weather in West Virginia, etc.
--We get digits.
--Awesome.
Admit it, she is kind of cute.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
To those of you looking for a DIFFERENT news source, that we here at EDLINE NEWS cut through the crap (FR) and get straight to the point (ED). It's just staight News here at EDLINE. As our motto states: "We report We decide." EDLINE NEWS: Ed's opinion for you.
pub72.ezboard.com/fpubliu...D=52.topic
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITORIAL NOTE
We here at FREDLINE NEWS would just like to answer a few of the bogus claims being knocked around by the upstart media rival known as EDLINE NEWS. As their press release claims, the staff of FREDLINE NEWS has done everything from being "politically biased, and unfair," to having connections with the government of Saudi Arabia, Ashley Judd, and a Russian bride smuggling ring.
All of these accuations are complete fabrications, or as we call them in the journalism business, "horsehockey." Nay, ED is a pucking liar. Though the ongoing relationship between a member of the FREDLINE NEWS staff and actress Ashley Judd is verifiable and a private matter, everything else is purely and utterly untrue.
We challenge the staff of EDLINE NEWS to corroborate their insinuations. We also match your four insinuations and rise you one more. That's right, we here at FREDLINE NEWS have found ample evidence to prove that ED is EVIL. One look at the following website should explain everything.
asgard.drakhar.com:8080/a...eviled.jpg
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Our News Anchorette of the Month for July is Baghdad Bob. He's not exactly a woman or a newsperson, but we all love him dearly. Be sure to check out his new movie at www.baghdadbobdvd.com.
Toodles.
If you do not want these anymore, please reply and say so. Please use "please" when doing so, because your mother taught you manners. You can use the old E-mails to line the cage of your Tamogatchi pet. I think that's how it's spelled. For anyone that likes to see the same thing in two different formats (e.g. Betamax, for example) it is posted on pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DRINK MORE OVALTINE
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE SPORTS: INJURY HAMPERS ENGLISH MAJOR'S CHANCES OF MAKING NFL DRAFT
Terre Haute, IN: It could take several weeks of rehab, but the repercussions of last Tuesday's fall during an afternoon run could put Jeffrey Grose out of the running for the next NFL Draft.
Grose, a graduate student at Indiana State University, wanted to be eligible for the NFL Draft hoping to be drafted by the nearby Indianapolis Colts.
"Yeah, I've been limping around a little, so I'll have to stop running for a while. I think I pulled something," the dejected athlete remarked. "Maybe next year."
Grose runs several times a week, depending on his study schedule and weather conditions. Though never playing in professional or collegiate sports, he was a member of several intramural football teams and played countless 1-on-1 basketball games with his younger brother. Once last November Grose remarked that it would "be really cool if I got drafted in the last rounds of the [NFL] Draft. Dude I'd be rich." Though expressing at numerous occations that NFL players are overpaid babies, sources close to Grosse have hinted that a large NFL salary would not hinder his decision to enter the league.
The Colts front office was unavailable for comment.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS WORLD TOUR
The FREDLINE NEWS staff will be in the Czech Republic for the next 2-3 weeks, doing--of course--The Lord's Work. Though there are unknown hazards ahead, one thing is certain: we here at FREDLINE NEWS are prepared for the threat of terrorism, whether here or abroad.
As per recent comments by President George "Wuh?" Bush taunting would-be terrorists to "come and get us" [That's a paraphrase. We don't do a lot of fact-checking], we offer those same terrorists the following scenario:
--You (the terrorist) tries to hijack our international flight to Frankfurt
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) goes Passenger 57 on your hiney.
--We (the FREDLINE NEWS staff) become national heroes, appearing on Letterman (NOT Leno, unless he offers more $$), Charlie Rose, and of course Larry King.
--During the call-in session at Larry King, the recently-returned-home Jessica Lynch rings me up to applaud our bravery in the face of impending doom.
--We reply, with a sly grin and a wink, "Hey, you're not so bad yourself."
--We (our staff, and Jessica Lynch) chat for a while about being heroes, the weather in West Virginia, etc.
--We get digits.
--Awesome.
Admit it, she is kind of cute.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
To those of you looking for a DIFFERENT news source, that we here at EDLINE NEWS cut through the crap (FR) and get straight to the point (ED). It's just staight News here at EDLINE. As our motto states: "We report We decide." EDLINE NEWS: Ed's opinion for you.
pub72.ezboard.com/fpubliu...D=52.topic
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITORIAL NOTE
We here at FREDLINE NEWS would just like to answer a few of the bogus claims being knocked around by the upstart media rival known as EDLINE NEWS. As their press release claims, the staff of FREDLINE NEWS has done everything from being "politically biased, and unfair," to having connections with the government of Saudi Arabia, Ashley Judd, and a Russian bride smuggling ring.
All of these accuations are complete fabrications, or as we call them in the journalism business, "horsehockey." Nay, ED is a pucking liar. Though the ongoing relationship between a member of the FREDLINE NEWS staff and actress Ashley Judd is verifiable and a private matter, everything else is purely and utterly untrue.
We challenge the staff of EDLINE NEWS to corroborate their insinuations. We also match your four insinuations and rise you one more. That's right, we here at FREDLINE NEWS have found ample evidence to prove that ED is EVIL. One look at the following website should explain everything.
asgard.drakhar.com:8080/a...eviled.jpg
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Our News Anchorette of the Month for July is Baghdad Bob. He's not exactly a woman or a newsperson, but we all love him dearly. Be sure to check out his new movie at www.baghdadbobdvd.com.
Toodles.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 15 July 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: LEGAL STUFF SHOULD BE AT THE END
If this is in your Inbox: Just so I don't get sued by the FCC people, remember that at one time you gave a guy named Fred your E-mail address, and lucky you, "You've Got Mail!" You can reply to this letter with an "Unsubscribe Me/Stop The Insanity" message. This is also one of those things you can FWD around if you really enjoy it, or go to pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius if you'd like to read back issues.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
AMERI-POS: BE THAT OLD GUY IN THE COMMERCIALS!
Hey, you know those commericals with the guy that buys that Internet Station thingy that probably cost him like $20,000? And every day he goes to it, opens it up, and WOW there's, like, TWENTY bucks worth of $1 bills inside? And that
makes him rich somehow? THAT COULD BE YOU! We here at Ameri-POS have told you for two years now that other people are going to take all the good spots at malls and airports. It's an amazing coincidence that there are spots still left NEAR YOU!
"I want the American Dream, and I want it now!" --Woman from commercial, who forgot the struggle of her immigrant forefathers
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: REBELLIOUS CASHIER FEARS FOR WELL-BEING
So this lady walks into the store and wants to buy some coffee. She reaches into her pocket, and somewhere between all the Casino Niagara tokens she finds $1.50 in Canadian money and hands it to me. So I tell her I can't take Canadian money unless she wants to pay the exchange rate, and suddenly I've infringed on her rights as an American. "What do you mean?! Everyone does it!!," to which I reply that yes, they do, in Canada. Now she must See a Manager Immediately. That means I have to go find the manager, who really does have better things to do, and explain why this woman has to interrupt TWO people that don't care two cents for her $1.50 coffee. Then the manager has to do the Happy Customer Dance until the problem goes away.
When I came back, the woman was on the other side of the room, filling up a coffee cup she'd stolen from behind the register. She sees me. "Changed your mind, huh?" So I flip her off. She wasn't very happy.
That night, and for the next day or so, my middle finger became a badge of honor. For the few people at work that I told (you have to be careful what gets out) it helped relieve some work tension. It was a fun little story to tell friends and family. ("And then I did THIS, Mom!") But then the thoughts started creeping in. What if I've gone on a power trip, and start telling off customers every day? More importantly, what if she comes back? With her larger, angrier boyfriend? Uh-oh. I had to watch my back. This is what I get for not loving my neighboUr!
Next week, she did come back, and her boyfriend/husband/brother was there, too. It was a particularly busy lunch period, so it was easy to pretend I didn't recognize her and look occupied. As I said "Thanks" to her as I did any other customer, she responded with a noticeably sharp "Thank YOU!!" in return.
So my fears were not entirely baseless. In conclusion, don't flip people off, unless you know them personally. You never know when they'll show up again. And they'll show up with their mullet-headed, dumbfounded, trailer-hick redneck stringbean of a husband/brother/probably both to stare at you awkwardly for a couple minutes.
I hope she's not reading this.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FOUR HAIKU
(found amongst my notes from a conference last year)
Oh, the Renaissance.
Pictures and statues abound.
Italians do work!
Dr. McDonnell.
Stumbles, speaking, long pauses.
Weekend-old coffee.
Canadians here?
The vermin lift up their hands,
Gap-toothed from hockey.
Duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck GOOSE!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
"it would be sweet if you included links to pics of the newsanchor women of the month. its a pain in the neck to hunt these chicks down myself."
--Joe F., Buffalo
Joe, it's good to know you're hunting down chicks on the Internet! In June we declared the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month to be Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. You can see hot, steamy pictures of her sitting at a desk at www.framisdave.com/avemaria.htm. "Daniel J." who runs the site, also wrote a wonderful dedication poem named "Ave Maria." Thanks for writing, Joe! You're creepy.
Stay tuned for the next issue, when we crown the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of July and expose the unheard-of evils of our rival publication, EDLINE NEWS.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LONG INTERNET CONVERSATION
(You can stop reading now)
TomServo0: guess who driving to chicago with me and my brother?
roi058: joe
roi058: lenny
roi058: hannah
roi058: micah
roi058: jerry
roi058: tony
roi058: richard
roi058: mustaffa
roi058: duffy
roi058: derrick
roi058: dosteovesky
roi058: thoreau
roi058: dr. butler
roi058: gerri pawalek
roi058: damien
roi058: some of joe's HIV friendster hoes
roi058: michael jackson
roi058: drew bledsoe
roi058: dave
roi058: dave
roi058: dave's dad
roi058: richard allen
roi058: osama bin laden
roi058: saddam huissein
roi058: tommy franks
roi058: wesley clark
roi058: howard dean
roi058: george bush, senior
roi058: jeb
roi058: jethro tull
roi058: john mccenroe
roi058: tom arnold
roi058: david letterman
roi058: an elephant trainer
roi058: a lion tamer
roi058: a real estate agent
roi058: a tops manager
roi058: susie liddle
roi058: mary echter
roi058: mike lauria
roi058: jack kerouac's ashes
roi058: tim allen
roi058: dick van dyke
roi058: a motorcycle dyke
roi058: beck
roi058: lisa loeb
roi058: danko jones
TomServo0: warmer
roi058: david guterson
roi058: tim o'brien
roi058: ani difranco
roi058: natalie merchant
roi058: bjork
roi058: mick cochrane
roi058: father cooke
roi058: joe's grandma
roi058: thurman thomas
roi058: hillary clinton
roi058: an antelope herder
roi058: jesus christ
roi058: your mom
roi058: dr. rosenbloom
roi058: dr. jones
roi058: pete martin
roi058: catherine sicoli
roi058: dr. d'amico
roi058: jack kevorikian
roi058: bernard slepian's widow
TomServo0: should i just tell you, or are you having too much fun?
roi058: zack
roi058: mario lopez
roi058: steve irwin
roi058: bob graham
roi058: tim russert
roi058: charity vogel
roi058: megan herbeck
roi058: give me 5 more guesses........................
roi058: james lipton
roi058: charlie rose
roi058: oprah
roi058: kevin o'connell
roi058: jane cary
roi058: ok, you can tell me
TomServo0: mike slagor
roi058: i was so close
TomServo0: how you missed that is beyond me
TomServo0: i think you just re-took the 2000 census
roi058: i wanted to name 5 million people
roi058: but i don't really have the time
roi058: al sharpton, al gore, alphonse d'amato, alec baldwin...
roi058: brett boone, barry bonds, barry bostwick, bernie kosar, and bump Andgo
roi058: corbin lacina, jimmy carter, catcher in the ryle, toni morrison, and ray romano
roi058: bob evans, jimmy dean, kenny rogers, bob dylan, and michael moore
roi058: michael douglass, michael richards, richard michaels, al michaels, and dick n. anus
roi058: apricot, orange, cherry, banana, tomato, grape, and apple
roi058: lemon, lime, peach, pear, and cranberry
roi058: ibm, dell, gateway, apple, toshiba, hp, sony, compaq, winbook
roi058: jazz, soft rock, adult contemporary . . . .
If this is in your Inbox: Just so I don't get sued by the FCC people, remember that at one time you gave a guy named Fred your E-mail address, and lucky you, "You've Got Mail!" You can reply to this letter with an "Unsubscribe Me/Stop The Insanity" message. This is also one of those things you can FWD around if you really enjoy it, or go to pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius if you'd like to read back issues.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
AMERI-POS: BE THAT OLD GUY IN THE COMMERCIALS!
Hey, you know those commericals with the guy that buys that Internet Station thingy that probably cost him like $20,000? And every day he goes to it, opens it up, and WOW there's, like, TWENTY bucks worth of $1 bills inside? And that
makes him rich somehow? THAT COULD BE YOU! We here at Ameri-POS have told you for two years now that other people are going to take all the good spots at malls and airports. It's an amazing coincidence that there are spots still left NEAR YOU!
"I want the American Dream, and I want it now!" --Woman from commercial, who forgot the struggle of her immigrant forefathers
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: REBELLIOUS CASHIER FEARS FOR WELL-BEING
So this lady walks into the store and wants to buy some coffee. She reaches into her pocket, and somewhere between all the Casino Niagara tokens she finds $1.50 in Canadian money and hands it to me. So I tell her I can't take Canadian money unless she wants to pay the exchange rate, and suddenly I've infringed on her rights as an American. "What do you mean?! Everyone does it!!," to which I reply that yes, they do, in Canada. Now she must See a Manager Immediately. That means I have to go find the manager, who really does have better things to do, and explain why this woman has to interrupt TWO people that don't care two cents for her $1.50 coffee. Then the manager has to do the Happy Customer Dance until the problem goes away.
When I came back, the woman was on the other side of the room, filling up a coffee cup she'd stolen from behind the register. She sees me. "Changed your mind, huh?" So I flip her off. She wasn't very happy.
That night, and for the next day or so, my middle finger became a badge of honor. For the few people at work that I told (you have to be careful what gets out) it helped relieve some work tension. It was a fun little story to tell friends and family. ("And then I did THIS, Mom!") But then the thoughts started creeping in. What if I've gone on a power trip, and start telling off customers every day? More importantly, what if she comes back? With her larger, angrier boyfriend? Uh-oh. I had to watch my back. This is what I get for not loving my neighboUr!
Next week, she did come back, and her boyfriend/husband/brother was there, too. It was a particularly busy lunch period, so it was easy to pretend I didn't recognize her and look occupied. As I said "Thanks" to her as I did any other customer, she responded with a noticeably sharp "Thank YOU!!" in return.
So my fears were not entirely baseless. In conclusion, don't flip people off, unless you know them personally. You never know when they'll show up again. And they'll show up with their mullet-headed, dumbfounded, trailer-hick redneck stringbean of a husband/brother/probably both to stare at you awkwardly for a couple minutes.
I hope she's not reading this.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FOUR HAIKU
(found amongst my notes from a conference last year)
Oh, the Renaissance.
Pictures and statues abound.
Italians do work!
Dr. McDonnell.
Stumbles, speaking, long pauses.
Weekend-old coffee.
Canadians here?
The vermin lift up their hands,
Gap-toothed from hockey.
Duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck
Duck duck duck duck GOOSE!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
"it would be sweet if you included links to pics of the newsanchor women of the month. its a pain in the neck to hunt these chicks down myself."
--Joe F., Buffalo
Joe, it's good to know you're hunting down chicks on the Internet! In June we declared the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of the Month to be Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. You can see hot, steamy pictures of her sitting at a desk at www.framisdave.com/avemaria.htm. "Daniel J." who runs the site, also wrote a wonderful dedication poem named "Ave Maria." Thanks for writing, Joe! You're creepy.
Stay tuned for the next issue, when we crown the FREDLINE NEWS Anchorette of July and expose the unheard-of evils of our rival publication, EDLINE NEWS.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LONG INTERNET CONVERSATION
(You can stop reading now)
TomServo0: guess who driving to chicago with me and my brother?
roi058: joe
roi058: lenny
roi058: hannah
roi058: micah
roi058: jerry
roi058: tony
roi058: richard
roi058: mustaffa
roi058: duffy
roi058: derrick
roi058: dosteovesky
roi058: thoreau
roi058: dr. butler
roi058: gerri pawalek
roi058: damien
roi058: some of joe's HIV friendster hoes
roi058: michael jackson
roi058: drew bledsoe
roi058: dave
roi058: dave
roi058: dave's dad
roi058: richard allen
roi058: osama bin laden
roi058: saddam huissein
roi058: tommy franks
roi058: wesley clark
roi058: howard dean
roi058: george bush, senior
roi058: jeb
roi058: jethro tull
roi058: john mccenroe
roi058: tom arnold
roi058: david letterman
roi058: an elephant trainer
roi058: a lion tamer
roi058: a real estate agent
roi058: a tops manager
roi058: susie liddle
roi058: mary echter
roi058: mike lauria
roi058: jack kerouac's ashes
roi058: tim allen
roi058: dick van dyke
roi058: a motorcycle dyke
roi058: beck
roi058: lisa loeb
roi058: danko jones
TomServo0: warmer
roi058: david guterson
roi058: tim o'brien
roi058: ani difranco
roi058: natalie merchant
roi058: bjork
roi058: mick cochrane
roi058: father cooke
roi058: joe's grandma
roi058: thurman thomas
roi058: hillary clinton
roi058: an antelope herder
roi058: jesus christ
roi058: your mom
roi058: dr. rosenbloom
roi058: dr. jones
roi058: pete martin
roi058: catherine sicoli
roi058: dr. d'amico
roi058: jack kevorikian
roi058: bernard slepian's widow
TomServo0: should i just tell you, or are you having too much fun?
roi058: zack
roi058: mario lopez
roi058: steve irwin
roi058: bob graham
roi058: tim russert
roi058: charity vogel
roi058: megan herbeck
roi058: give me 5 more guesses........................
roi058: james lipton
roi058: charlie rose
roi058: oprah
roi058: kevin o'connell
roi058: jane cary
roi058: ok, you can tell me
TomServo0: mike slagor
roi058: i was so close
TomServo0: how you missed that is beyond me
TomServo0: i think you just re-took the 2000 census
roi058: i wanted to name 5 million people
roi058: but i don't really have the time
roi058: al sharpton, al gore, alphonse d'amato, alec baldwin...
roi058: brett boone, barry bonds, barry bostwick, bernie kosar, and bump Andgo
roi058: corbin lacina, jimmy carter, catcher in the ryle, toni morrison, and ray romano
roi058: bob evans, jimmy dean, kenny rogers, bob dylan, and michael moore
roi058: michael douglass, michael richards, richard michaels, al michaels, and dick n. anus
roi058: apricot, orange, cherry, banana, tomato, grape, and apple
roi058: lemon, lime, peach, pear, and cranberry
roi058: ibm, dell, gateway, apple, toshiba, hp, sony, compaq, winbook
roi058: jazz, soft rock, adult contemporary . . . .
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 17 June 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FREDLINE NEWS UPDATED.
Welcome to another mildly interesting editon of FREDLINE NEWS. If you'd rather
prefer to read TV Guide or some other comparable media, please reply and
request an unsubscription. This issue will also be posted at ub72.
ezboard.com/bpublius just in case it gives your computer a virus and you lose
the file.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FRIENDSTER!
The new trend: Pretend friends! Join Friendster.com today and hook up with new
friends, old friends, red friends, blue friends! Try the address that came
with this E-mail, and find out what true friendship is all about: sporadic E-
mails and grainy thumbnail pics!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: MAN LOSES FAITH IN HUMANITY
(Erie County, USA) A surprising turn of events took place at a Burger King on
the I-90 last Sunday when a summer worker, known only by the "FRED" on his
nametag, lost faith in human kind. The conclusion came about after the
hamburger grill broke, meaning "FRED" had to explain that burgers were not for
sale.
"I made signs that said, 'NO BURGERS - GRILL BROKEN'" commented "FRED." What
more did I need to do? Is everyone dumb?"
It is estimated that 1 in 2 customers had receive a personal explanation of
what the signs meant, while 1 in 5 needed to learn that the "Whopper" was a
kind of burger and hence unavailable. Also, 1 in 8 pointed to the signs and
asked "Does that mean there are no burgers?"
After two hours, "FRED" got really frustrated. "After two hours I got really
frustrated," he recalled, "so I made MORE signs. I even drew big X's on sheets
of paper and put them over the pictures of all the food on the menu. Do you
think that helped? NO!"
Justifiably so, many customers were also quite upset at the situation. One
became visibly angry. "What do you mean there are no burgers?!" the woman
yelled before she stomped away. "I've been waiting in line for 20 minutes!
The LEAST you could do is put up a sign!"
In an unrelated story, "FRED" is continuing to tell himself he has a career
future outside of Burger King and is only working there to help pay for
college.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INFLATIBLE CHURCH! INFLATABLE CHURCH!
Need a church on the go? Wish you didn't have to go to church, and had the
church come to YOU? Try the new Inflatable Church at inflatablechurch.com!
Finally, blowing up a church is a GOOD thing!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART ONE
From the employee bulletin board at Burger King:
"Lets remember why we are all here; we need money to live, and we need to have
a job to earn that money. We are here out of basic necessity. Let's make the
best of the situation. We are all here by choice no one is forcing us to be
here. Why don't we stop worrying about what we can't change? Let's not worry
about everyone else, lets concentrate on our selves and how we can do the best
work we can do to earn that money that is letting us survive. In the scheme of
things let's be glad that we are surviving. Let's all make the best of our
work environment. Let's be happy to be here each day. And be glad that the
others are able to be here too.
Going into summer lets decide to make it a good one, and remember to be happy,
it doesn't do any good to be sad or mad, be glad." [sic]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES
It's a new month, and you know what that means: the *NEW* FREDLINE NEWS
Anchorette Centerfold for June is Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. And why not? Not
only is our dear Maria a bright shining face in a sea of middle-aged, balding
male financial experts, she's also a Rock Chick! Fun fact: Joey Ramone wrote a
song about her on his last solo album. Look it up!
"One of my hobbies is the stock market," Ramone said in March 1999. His
fascination at the time was a daily financial analysis program on cable station
CNBC.
"I watch this show Squawk Box every morning, and they have this host named
Maria [Bartiromo] who is really hot and feisty," Ramone said. "When I stopped
drinking, I started getting into the stock market because it's sort of like a
mosh pit down there."
A demo of the song mixes the British Invasion sound of the Who's early material
with a touch of the Ramones' career-long fascination with Motown girl groups.
"I watch her every day/ I watch her every night/ She's really out of sight/
Maria Bartiromo," Ramone sings.
Hey Maria, you can ring MY "opening bell" any day! Also, it's good we found a
new Anchorette Centerfold because the one for May--Linda Stouffer of Headline News--gave
birth a couple weeks ago and will be on maternity leave for a while. Honest,
it's not mine. Congrats Linda, and congrats Maria! We just want to say Good
Luck, and We're all counting on you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART TWO
"I don't think the system is 100% effective; I mean, it can't as long as the
human element is involved." --Jury Duty orientation video, City of Buffalo
Welcome to another mildly interesting editon of FREDLINE NEWS. If you'd rather
prefer to read TV Guide or some other comparable media, please reply and
request an unsubscription. This issue will also be posted at ub72.
ezboard.com/bpublius just in case it gives your computer a virus and you lose
the file.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FRIENDSTER!
The new trend: Pretend friends! Join Friendster.com today and hook up with new
friends, old friends, red friends, blue friends! Try the address that came
with this E-mail, and find out what true friendship is all about: sporadic E-
mails and grainy thumbnail pics!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: MAN LOSES FAITH IN HUMANITY
(Erie County, USA) A surprising turn of events took place at a Burger King on
the I-90 last Sunday when a summer worker, known only by the "FRED" on his
nametag, lost faith in human kind. The conclusion came about after the
hamburger grill broke, meaning "FRED" had to explain that burgers were not for
sale.
"I made signs that said, 'NO BURGERS - GRILL BROKEN'" commented "FRED." What
more did I need to do? Is everyone dumb?"
It is estimated that 1 in 2 customers had receive a personal explanation of
what the signs meant, while 1 in 5 needed to learn that the "Whopper" was a
kind of burger and hence unavailable. Also, 1 in 8 pointed to the signs and
asked "Does that mean there are no burgers?"
After two hours, "FRED" got really frustrated. "After two hours I got really
frustrated," he recalled, "so I made MORE signs. I even drew big X's on sheets
of paper and put them over the pictures of all the food on the menu. Do you
think that helped? NO!"
Justifiably so, many customers were also quite upset at the situation. One
became visibly angry. "What do you mean there are no burgers?!" the woman
yelled before she stomped away. "I've been waiting in line for 20 minutes!
The LEAST you could do is put up a sign!"
In an unrelated story, "FRED" is continuing to tell himself he has a career
future outside of Burger King and is only working there to help pay for
college.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INFLATIBLE CHURCH! INFLATABLE CHURCH!
Need a church on the go? Wish you didn't have to go to church, and had the
church come to YOU? Try the new Inflatable Church at inflatablechurch.com!
Finally, blowing up a church is a GOOD thing!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART ONE
From the employee bulletin board at Burger King:
"Lets remember why we are all here; we need money to live, and we need to have
a job to earn that money. We are here out of basic necessity. Let's make the
best of the situation. We are all here by choice no one is forcing us to be
here. Why don't we stop worrying about what we can't change? Let's not worry
about everyone else, lets concentrate on our selves and how we can do the best
work we can do to earn that money that is letting us survive. In the scheme of
things let's be glad that we are surviving. Let's all make the best of our
work environment. Let's be happy to be here each day. And be glad that the
others are able to be here too.
Going into summer lets decide to make it a good one, and remember to be happy,
it doesn't do any good to be sad or mad, be glad." [sic]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES
It's a new month, and you know what that means: the *NEW* FREDLINE NEWS
Anchorette Centerfold for June is Maria Bartiromo of CNBC. And why not? Not
only is our dear Maria a bright shining face in a sea of middle-aged, balding
male financial experts, she's also a Rock Chick! Fun fact: Joey Ramone wrote a
song about her on his last solo album. Look it up!
"One of my hobbies is the stock market," Ramone said in March 1999. His
fascination at the time was a daily financial analysis program on cable station
CNBC.
"I watch this show Squawk Box every morning, and they have this host named
Maria [Bartiromo] who is really hot and feisty," Ramone said. "When I stopped
drinking, I started getting into the stock market because it's sort of like a
mosh pit down there."
A demo of the song mixes the British Invasion sound of the Who's early material
with a touch of the Ramones' career-long fascination with Motown girl groups.
"I watch her every day/ I watch her every night/ She's really out of sight/
Maria Bartiromo," Ramone sings.
Hey Maria, you can ring MY "opening bell" any day! Also, it's good we found a
new Anchorette Centerfold because the one for May--Linda Stouffer of Headline News--gave
birth a couple weeks ago and will be on maternity leave for a while. Honest,
it's not mine. Congrats Linda, and congrats Maria! We just want to say Good
Luck, and We're all counting on you.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTES IN FUTILITY, PART TWO
"I don't think the system is 100% effective; I mean, it can't as long as the
human element is involved." --Jury Duty orientation video, City of Buffalo
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Tuesday, 27 May 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: SPECIAL DAVE EDITION
After a recent Spring Cleaning I found myself with a pile of unpublished manuscripts from former roommate and current poet laureate of Blasdell, New York, Mr. David Hill. A short sample of the collection is posted below, including rough language, poor grammar, and, in some cases, newly invented words. (The typos are his as well.) This may be interesting to no one but myself. If you are not myself, you may unsubscribe by replying to this address? Ready? The rest of this E-mail will look like Picasso with dysentery.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
UNTITLED
DMX, you think you're the shiznoid.
I eat popcorn like it's my void.
All you suckers, wanna piece of the game?
I got sumpi9n' thatchya just can't name.
John Popper
Born in Asia Proper.
Thought it was Rash Hashana
Fired up the grill + ate
a Kilbasa.
A1 Steak sauce,
endorsed by Boss.
A - B's + C's, can't fite
the rex n'FX attack.
Extrapolate, cuz Wendy's
is in the house. Dave
Thomas farted out the
word mouse.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ART HISTORY REFLECTION PAPER (NOT SUBMITTED)
David Hill
Modern Art
Prof. Marie Vahue
March 28, 2000
Albright-Knox Art Gallery Visit
On Thursday, March 9th, we visited the Albright-Knox Art Gallery in Buffalo. It was totally gay. The gift shop had a plethora of stupid crap I didn't want to buy, except the checkout girl was kind of old so I kept laughing at her flapping jowels. That was pretty cool. I was going to go up to her and say, "Ooh! Live chicken!" but I got scared when somebody set off the store alarm by mistake and then I turned around real fast and ran away. The snack bar was too expensive. Like five dollars for a stupid little sandwich. Screw that, I'd rather eat a stool. And I don't mean a barstool, either!
Oh well. ONe of the most memorable parts of our visitation was this paining called "Venus." It was the bomb because you could see her boobs. Her butt, too. She was laying down on a big clam shell or something, and it looked pretty windy out where she was because her hair was flowing all over the place. It reminded me of the famous hockey movie Youngblood, where the new star hockey player does it with that chick, and then she's lying down and you see her boobs. Yeah. Boobs are cool. Huh huh huh.
In retrospect, our visit to the Albright-Knox Art Gallery was full of magic wonderment, and ferocious gaiety. I would most definitely recommend that anyone who like old flappy-jowl ladies or movies with gratuitous tittie shots to run, not walk, to the Gallery, jog up the stairs, raise their arms like Rocky Balboa, and say "Ow! My cramp!" Thank you for reading, and remember that Tops never stops...saving you more. PEACE!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
BEAUTIFUL GIRL
Beautiful Girl
Around the world
Kiss the girl
She is your pearl
Mama's girl
Went to Rome
to find a home
He loves here so
but she had to go
What a @#%$ ho.
If she only knew
What he went threw
Her panties were blue
He kept them in his hope chest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NOTES INSIDE A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM A POET NAMED CAREY MARTIN:
Happy Birthday Freddo! I hope u like this card!
Im just peturbed that that Carey Martin biatch
said everything i waited so long to tell you.
Because this Ms. Martin girl, the card 'poet' we'll call her,
stole the words from my mouth, I will write you a better poem
here:
Fred, from the first day I saw you,
you reminded me of a ball--a happy
wrinkly, wrily grimy ball.
You've always got your wits about you,
Much like a ball has that sort of not quite rectangular
but not quite cylinder shape to it.
Like a ripple in the water,
You have gently touched my life and,
I just thought you would appreciated a birthday card on
your birthday.
so, there you have it, I've said what's on my mind,
and now I'm feelin fine, but baby, baby i'll be rootin
for ya. So have a happy one you party that rocks the house
that rocks the bottle or whatever the saying goes!
--Dave Jammers
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
GOLDEN HEART, PURPLE HAWK
Golden heart, purple hawk
He was known to stalk, while writing poems.
He lost his way, yesterday, his best friend turned gay.
Who's that, down your pants, hands off, watch the boys.
He watches Dirty Dancing, with his mouth on the warm pot pie.
Can't find work so for now he dances, the Patrick Swayze that never was.
What might have been, if not for the bike with no seat. Should have listened to mom, safety first, and now he will never be able to enjoy the hard candy he once loved oh so very much.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NOTE LEFT JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK:
I feel that it is imperative that I leave you all, in an ever so early fashion, not with fading memories of scant wisdom and keen comrogany, but instead with a sense of accomplishment.
As such, let me reflect on what we have all learned this semester:
1) 1+1=2, unless you're seeing other people
2) soup tastes better hot
3) mashed potatoes taste better when spelled w/out the "e"
4) in one fell swoop, all the love of anal sex one can possibly have comes crashing down in a whimper of laconic, prosaic poetic pain.
5) No goodbye; there's only bj's.
Be proud and be merry; be puttered.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Professor Dr. David J. Hill's Course Schedule, Fall 2002:
*Representations of Jewish Thought and Practice in the Baked Goods Industry
*Exquisite Moments in the 1956 NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament
*Inculcating Basted Turkeys into Spying for the Administration
*Constructive Uses of Taco Bell Management Strategies
*Paltry Practices as Predictors of the Puff Pastry Pastime in Monolithic Islam (Part I)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES
Though I do not know if I can attribute it to Dave, I also found an old envelope with my address filled out in the corner and another full address in the middle. Apparently someone wanted to dive the impression that I had written a personal letter. The writing said as follows:
The Gay Pride Association of America
1 Commerce Plaza
Washington, D.C. 10014-40219
Membership fees enclosed
A drawing of "Ace" and "Gary" could be found on the back, also known as The Ambiguously Gay Duo. I think we can end on that note.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Fred, what do ya say...wanna be a Rastafarian? --Dave!!
[from a Post-It Note]
[Nota Bene 6/19/04: Some of these later revealed to be by Joe Ferguson and Jeff Gross. Props.]
After a recent Spring Cleaning I found myself with a pile of unpublished manuscripts from former roommate and current poet laureate of Blasdell, New York, Mr. David Hill. A short sample of the collection is posted below, including rough language, poor grammar, and, in some cases, newly invented words. (The typos are his as well.) This may be interesting to no one but myself. If you are not myself, you may unsubscribe by replying to this address? Ready? The rest of this E-mail will look like Picasso with dysentery.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
UNTITLED
DMX, you think you're the shiznoid.
I eat popcorn like it's my void.
All you suckers, wanna piece of the game?
I got sumpi9n' thatchya just can't name.
John Popper
Born in Asia Proper.
Thought it was Rash Hashana
Fired up the grill + ate
a Kilbasa.
A1 Steak sauce,
endorsed by Boss.
A - B's + C's, can't fite
the rex n'FX attack.
Extrapolate, cuz Wendy's
is in the house. Dave
Thomas farted out the
word mouse.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ART HISTORY REFLECTION PAPER (NOT SUBMITTED)
David Hill
Modern Art
Prof. Marie Vahue
March 28, 2000
Albright-Knox Art Gallery Visit
On Thursday, March 9th, we visited the Albright-Knox Art Gallery in Buffalo. It was totally gay. The gift shop had a plethora of stupid crap I didn't want to buy, except the checkout girl was kind of old so I kept laughing at her flapping jowels. That was pretty cool. I was going to go up to her and say, "Ooh! Live chicken!" but I got scared when somebody set off the store alarm by mistake and then I turned around real fast and ran away. The snack bar was too expensive. Like five dollars for a stupid little sandwich. Screw that, I'd rather eat a stool. And I don't mean a barstool, either!
Oh well. ONe of the most memorable parts of our visitation was this paining called "Venus." It was the bomb because you could see her boobs. Her butt, too. She was laying down on a big clam shell or something, and it looked pretty windy out where she was because her hair was flowing all over the place. It reminded me of the famous hockey movie Youngblood, where the new star hockey player does it with that chick, and then she's lying down and you see her boobs. Yeah. Boobs are cool. Huh huh huh.
In retrospect, our visit to the Albright-Knox Art Gallery was full of magic wonderment, and ferocious gaiety. I would most definitely recommend that anyone who like old flappy-jowl ladies or movies with gratuitous tittie shots to run, not walk, to the Gallery, jog up the stairs, raise their arms like Rocky Balboa, and say "Ow! My cramp!" Thank you for reading, and remember that Tops never stops...saving you more. PEACE!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
BEAUTIFUL GIRL
Beautiful Girl
Around the world
Kiss the girl
She is your pearl
Mama's girl
Went to Rome
to find a home
He loves here so
but she had to go
What a @#%$ ho.
If she only knew
What he went threw
Her panties were blue
He kept them in his hope chest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NOTES INSIDE A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM A POET NAMED CAREY MARTIN:
Happy Birthday Freddo! I hope u like this card!
Im just peturbed that that Carey Martin biatch
said everything i waited so long to tell you.
Because this Ms. Martin girl, the card 'poet' we'll call her,
stole the words from my mouth, I will write you a better poem
here:
Fred, from the first day I saw you,
you reminded me of a ball--a happy
wrinkly, wrily grimy ball.
You've always got your wits about you,
Much like a ball has that sort of not quite rectangular
but not quite cylinder shape to it.
Like a ripple in the water,
You have gently touched my life and,
I just thought you would appreciated a birthday card on
your birthday.
so, there you have it, I've said what's on my mind,
and now I'm feelin fine, but baby, baby i'll be rootin
for ya. So have a happy one you party that rocks the house
that rocks the bottle or whatever the saying goes!
--Dave Jammers
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
GOLDEN HEART, PURPLE HAWK
Golden heart, purple hawk
He was known to stalk, while writing poems.
He lost his way, yesterday, his best friend turned gay.
Who's that, down your pants, hands off, watch the boys.
He watches Dirty Dancing, with his mouth on the warm pot pie.
Can't find work so for now he dances, the Patrick Swayze that never was.
What might have been, if not for the bike with no seat. Should have listened to mom, safety first, and now he will never be able to enjoy the hard candy he once loved oh so very much.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NOTE LEFT JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS BREAK:
I feel that it is imperative that I leave you all, in an ever so early fashion, not with fading memories of scant wisdom and keen comrogany, but instead with a sense of accomplishment.
As such, let me reflect on what we have all learned this semester:
1) 1+1=2, unless you're seeing other people
2) soup tastes better hot
3) mashed potatoes taste better when spelled w/out the "e"
4) in one fell swoop, all the love of anal sex one can possibly have comes crashing down in a whimper of laconic, prosaic poetic pain.
5) No goodbye; there's only bj's.
Be proud and be merry; be puttered.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Professor Dr. David J. Hill's Course Schedule, Fall 2002:
*Representations of Jewish Thought and Practice in the Baked Goods Industry
*Exquisite Moments in the 1956 NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament
*Inculcating Basted Turkeys into Spying for the Administration
*Constructive Uses of Taco Bell Management Strategies
*Paltry Practices as Predictors of the Puff Pastry Pastime in Monolithic Islam (Part I)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDITOR'S NOTES
Though I do not know if I can attribute it to Dave, I also found an old envelope with my address filled out in the corner and another full address in the middle. Apparently someone wanted to dive the impression that I had written a personal letter. The writing said as follows:
The Gay Pride Association of America
1 Commerce Plaza
Washington, D.C. 10014-40219
Membership fees enclosed
A drawing of "Ace" and "Gary" could be found on the back, also known as The Ambiguously Gay Duo. I think we can end on that note.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Fred, what do ya say...wanna be a Rastafarian? --Dave!!
[from a Post-It Note]
[Nota Bene 6/19/04: Some of these later revealed to be by Joe Ferguson and Jeff Gross. Props.]
Monday, May 19, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Monday, 19 May 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: DATE UPDATED
People seemed to like the first issue so I put together another one. Please feel free to ask me off the list if clicking "Erase" is not personal enough for you. Or if you want less contact with others, you can ask me to forward these things to your friends for you. Speaking of bad ideas, the first issue declared it was Wednesday, 6 May 2003. Funny, 6 May was a Tuesday. My sincere apologies to the Julian calendar. I will also post a copy of this on my weblog at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius just for shiggs and gitles.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
SICK OF OVERWEIGHT AMERICAN WOMEN? TRY A RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE.
*American women can have attitudes that are difficult to deal with. They are often demanding and hard to please.
*Russian women on the other hand are so unspoiled.
*Russian men are often abusive and disrespectful toward women. This is what Russian women are used to. Compared to that, the life you can give her will make her so happy and grateful. Russian women tend to be devoted adoring wives.
*Russian women see American men as kind, sensitive, respectful, understanding, compassionate and dependable. Many American women take these qualities in American men for granted. However, because of what Russian women are used to, they will never take these qualities for granted. These qualities make American men very appealing to Russian women.
*Russian women are rarely overweight. They seem more concerned with their appearance. Very attractive women are common in countries of the Former Soviet Union.
We have pictures and profiles of many of these women who are seeking a man like you. Submit your profile browse through their pictures FREE!
Reply to: nysmktngra@racingseat.com
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS SPECIAL REPORT: MASSIVE DIG UNCOVERS OLD SKELETONS, MAGAZINES
(Roto-Reuters) Newstead - Forty miles from the border - Ghastly remains of the past were unearthed again this morning. For hours, Fred painstakingly went through shallow layers of debris in the hopes of finding something of value--anything--that he could salvage from his bedroom. The area has been sealed off and is being treated as a mass garbage pit by US troops, who are sending experts to try to identify the remains.
Experts estimate that about eighteen boxes of materials, ranging from old clothes to souvenirs, newspaper clippings and important documents, were discovered on the site. Investigators believe the materials were buried relatively recently, but some items were put there as long ago as 1998, when Clinton's regime controlled much of the region.
Several catalogues of faded photographs, presumably of dead or missing relatives and friends, were also found. Most of the surrounding items appeared to have suffered from indescriminate pack-ratting.
Though some of the older remains were too old to be fully distinguishable, officials hope to piece together the last five years. "I am afraid this may be the first of many of these depositories," rightly said Fred. "There are tens of thousands of items unaccounted for in the southern section of this room."
A tiny, poorly lit cell was also discovered nearby, with metal hooks dangling from the ceiling. Although much of the complex was dilapidated, there were suggestions Fred had lived out of it until recently, with new shirts found still hanging inside.
Many of the remains on display Monday showed signs of physical trauma. Some still had faded tape tied around binder pockets and singular, unmatched socks smelled of decaying feet. Several books had large dog-ears on one side or had covers bent far back. In each open cardboard box, awards and certificates were carefully wrapped in white cloth, surrounded by scraps of receipts, bits of strings and dust bunnies.
The visible evidence of effluent cleansing drove a number of family members to wailing. "Do you see this?" a red-eyed Jerry S., 51, demanded angrily. Jerry was looking for a NordicTrack that disappeared from his house in 1999. "This is the face of chaos."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In an industry filled with buzzwords and over-inflated claims, honesty and attention to detail mean more than ever. It doesn’t pay to work with someone you can’t trust. Micah Valine Software Development combines old-fashioned craftsmanship with the latest high-tech innovations.
With hard-to-find expertise in the new Microsoft .NET platform, Micah Valine Software Development specializes in multi-tier application development that targets the web, traditional Windows desktop applications and mobile applications running on both the Palm OS and Microsoft's PocketPC platform.
See www.micahvaline.com for more details.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: CULT FETISH THREATENS CUTENESS OF NOVICE JOURNALISTIC ENDEAVOR
So I was thinking of some new stuff to put in this E-mail; something that sounded extremely serious. Then it occured to me: what if we had a News Anchor Babe of the Month! I went to the CNN Headline News website to see if I could get some names and profiles. Congratulations, Linda Stouffer! You're our first Anchor Babe! You can find out more about her at www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_r...inda.html.
But here's the rub. I decided to do some more searching to see if I could write up a funny article about Ms. Stouffer, and it got a little scary. Apparently there are a small number of people in this country that watch television news because, and pardon the pun, it turns them on. There are entire web pages devoted to female anchors that look a lot like porn sites. You can find one of these at dcwi.com/~dave/newsbabes.html. The only real difference is that the "fan pages" have pictures of fully clothed women in a sitting position. The anchors don't move from their seat, but you can find some hot, steamy pics of Ms. Stouffer smiling, smirking, talking, not talking, and blinking!
Check out Linda Stouffer, News Babe of the Month, at www.geocities.com/kryst0ph/lscnn.html. As the author of one post noted (yes, you can find a message board as well), "Linda Stouffer is the absolute most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She's classy, stylish, mysterious and competent. Not since I was a little boy have I found myself sitting so close to the TV when she's on. Having my coffee and watching her in the morning almost gives me a heart attack." Well hello, nurse!
FREDLINE FINANCIAL: CANDYBAR ALTERNATIVES
From our Indiana office comes another goldmine profit opportunity:
"To encourage you in your fundraising. I have completed my fundraising in a unique way. I put a flyer in our church bulletin asking for our members to consider donating their used “white elephant” household items to me so I could put them on EBay. One of the craziest items I got was several boxes of Colostomy Bags. The father of one of our members had a temporary colostomy and was “re-plumbed” and had leftovers. God provided over $100 for them on EBay!!"
The Internet is a blessed thing. Just think if he had to sell those door to door...
FREDLINE LIFESTYLES
Our Out-of-Context Quotes of the Week:
"Today's tip: Did you know writing in ALL CAPS is considered shouting?" --Yahoo.com
"I'm dont like pb&j how about fluffernutter! We will smell fresh and clean!" --Dawn, New York, New York
"Fred-there are a lot of pictures of frogs here, but not that many live ones " --Carrie, London, England
"I don't know how much more of this I can stand!!! Just discovered yet ANOTHER Byzantine Emperor in my background! WHATAMIGONNADOOOOOOOOOO???? Learn Greek, I guess!" --Don't Know, Don't Want to Know
"and ofcourse I love praising God and eating moms beefs stew!" --Some friend of the previous guy
EDITOR'S NOTES
I'd hate to end this on an honest note but this is important. Are you like me, constantly flipping off the newsman because you think he's full of uninformative, jingoist crap? Do you hate hearing the same five songs on the radio, fifteen times a day, for three months? Do you despise having to pay hidden "convenience fees" when buying concert tickets online? Are you not against political parties but can't stand partisanism? It's all interconnected. In the name of bigger profits, media conglomerates are gouging our wallets, straining journalistic integrity and erasing our culture. I'll let the MoveOn organization explain further:
"On June 2, the Federal Communications Commission is planning on authorizing sweeping changes to the American news media. The rule changes could allow your local TV stations, newspaper, radio stations, and cable provider to all be owned by one company. NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox could have the same corporate parent. The resulting concentration of ownership could be deeply destructive to our democracy.
"After the FCC and Congress relaxed radio ownership rules, corporate giant Clear Channel Communications swept in and bought hundreds of stations. Clear Channel has used its might to support pro-war political rallies and conservative talk shows, keep anti-war songs off its stations, coerce musicians into playing free promotional concerts, and bully them into performing at its music venues. In many towns that used to have a diverse array of radio options, Clear Channel is now the only thing on the dial.
"When we talk to Congresspeople about this issue, their response is usually the same: "We only hear from media lobbyists on this. It seems like my constituents aren't very concerned with this issue." A few thousand emails could permanently change that perception. Please join us in asking Congress and the FCC to fight media deregulation at:
"www.moveon.org/stopthefcc...lrrKCActw"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Have a ball and a biscuit -F
People seemed to like the first issue so I put together another one. Please feel free to ask me off the list if clicking "Erase" is not personal enough for you. Or if you want less contact with others, you can ask me to forward these things to your friends for you. Speaking of bad ideas, the first issue declared it was Wednesday, 6 May 2003. Funny, 6 May was a Tuesday. My sincere apologies to the Julian calendar. I will also post a copy of this on my weblog at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius just for shiggs and gitles.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
SICK OF OVERWEIGHT AMERICAN WOMEN? TRY A RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE.
*American women can have attitudes that are difficult to deal with. They are often demanding and hard to please.
*Russian women on the other hand are so unspoiled.
*Russian men are often abusive and disrespectful toward women. This is what Russian women are used to. Compared to that, the life you can give her will make her so happy and grateful. Russian women tend to be devoted adoring wives.
*Russian women see American men as kind, sensitive, respectful, understanding, compassionate and dependable. Many American women take these qualities in American men for granted. However, because of what Russian women are used to, they will never take these qualities for granted. These qualities make American men very appealing to Russian women.
*Russian women are rarely overweight. They seem more concerned with their appearance. Very attractive women are common in countries of the Former Soviet Union.
We have pictures and profiles of many of these women who are seeking a man like you. Submit your profile browse through their pictures FREE!
Reply to: nysmktngra@racingseat.com
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS SPECIAL REPORT: MASSIVE DIG UNCOVERS OLD SKELETONS, MAGAZINES
(Roto-Reuters) Newstead - Forty miles from the border - Ghastly remains of the past were unearthed again this morning. For hours, Fred painstakingly went through shallow layers of debris in the hopes of finding something of value--anything--that he could salvage from his bedroom. The area has been sealed off and is being treated as a mass garbage pit by US troops, who are sending experts to try to identify the remains.
Experts estimate that about eighteen boxes of materials, ranging from old clothes to souvenirs, newspaper clippings and important documents, were discovered on the site. Investigators believe the materials were buried relatively recently, but some items were put there as long ago as 1998, when Clinton's regime controlled much of the region.
Several catalogues of faded photographs, presumably of dead or missing relatives and friends, were also found. Most of the surrounding items appeared to have suffered from indescriminate pack-ratting.
Though some of the older remains were too old to be fully distinguishable, officials hope to piece together the last five years. "I am afraid this may be the first of many of these depositories," rightly said Fred. "There are tens of thousands of items unaccounted for in the southern section of this room."
A tiny, poorly lit cell was also discovered nearby, with metal hooks dangling from the ceiling. Although much of the complex was dilapidated, there were suggestions Fred had lived out of it until recently, with new shirts found still hanging inside.
Many of the remains on display Monday showed signs of physical trauma. Some still had faded tape tied around binder pockets and singular, unmatched socks smelled of decaying feet. Several books had large dog-ears on one side or had covers bent far back. In each open cardboard box, awards and certificates were carefully wrapped in white cloth, surrounded by scraps of receipts, bits of strings and dust bunnies.
The visible evidence of effluent cleansing drove a number of family members to wailing. "Do you see this?" a red-eyed Jerry S., 51, demanded angrily. Jerry was looking for a NordicTrack that disappeared from his house in 1999. "This is the face of chaos."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In an industry filled with buzzwords and over-inflated claims, honesty and attention to detail mean more than ever. It doesn’t pay to work with someone you can’t trust. Micah Valine Software Development combines old-fashioned craftsmanship with the latest high-tech innovations.
With hard-to-find expertise in the new Microsoft .NET platform, Micah Valine Software Development specializes in multi-tier application development that targets the web, traditional Windows desktop applications and mobile applications running on both the Palm OS and Microsoft's PocketPC platform.
See www.micahvaline.com for more details.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: CULT FETISH THREATENS CUTENESS OF NOVICE JOURNALISTIC ENDEAVOR
So I was thinking of some new stuff to put in this E-mail; something that sounded extremely serious. Then it occured to me: what if we had a News Anchor Babe of the Month! I went to the CNN Headline News website to see if I could get some names and profiles. Congratulations, Linda Stouffer! You're our first Anchor Babe! You can find out more about her at www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_r...inda.html.
But here's the rub. I decided to do some more searching to see if I could write up a funny article about Ms. Stouffer, and it got a little scary. Apparently there are a small number of people in this country that watch television news because, and pardon the pun, it turns them on. There are entire web pages devoted to female anchors that look a lot like porn sites. You can find one of these at dcwi.com/~dave/newsbabes.html. The only real difference is that the "fan pages" have pictures of fully clothed women in a sitting position. The anchors don't move from their seat, but you can find some hot, steamy pics of Ms. Stouffer smiling, smirking, talking, not talking, and blinking!
Check out Linda Stouffer, News Babe of the Month, at www.geocities.com/kryst0ph/lscnn.html. As the author of one post noted (yes, you can find a message board as well), "Linda Stouffer is the absolute most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She's classy, stylish, mysterious and competent. Not since I was a little boy have I found myself sitting so close to the TV when she's on. Having my coffee and watching her in the morning almost gives me a heart attack." Well hello, nurse!
FREDLINE FINANCIAL: CANDYBAR ALTERNATIVES
From our Indiana office comes another goldmine profit opportunity:
"To encourage you in your fundraising. I have completed my fundraising in a unique way. I put a flyer in our church bulletin asking for our members to consider donating their used “white elephant” household items to me so I could put them on EBay. One of the craziest items I got was several boxes of Colostomy Bags. The father of one of our members had a temporary colostomy and was “re-plumbed” and had leftovers. God provided over $100 for them on EBay!!"
The Internet is a blessed thing. Just think if he had to sell those door to door...
FREDLINE LIFESTYLES
Our Out-of-Context Quotes of the Week:
"Today's tip: Did you know writing in ALL CAPS is considered shouting?" --Yahoo.com
"I'm dont like pb&j how about fluffernutter! We will smell fresh and clean!" --Dawn, New York, New York
"Fred-there are a lot of pictures of frogs here, but not that many live ones " --Carrie, London, England
"I don't know how much more of this I can stand!!! Just discovered yet ANOTHER Byzantine Emperor in my background! WHATAMIGONNADOOOOOOOOOO???? Learn Greek, I guess!" --Don't Know, Don't Want to Know
"and ofcourse I love praising God and eating moms beefs stew!" --Some friend of the previous guy
EDITOR'S NOTES
I'd hate to end this on an honest note but this is important. Are you like me, constantly flipping off the newsman because you think he's full of uninformative, jingoist crap? Do you hate hearing the same five songs on the radio, fifteen times a day, for three months? Do you despise having to pay hidden "convenience fees" when buying concert tickets online? Are you not against political parties but can't stand partisanism? It's all interconnected. In the name of bigger profits, media conglomerates are gouging our wallets, straining journalistic integrity and erasing our culture. I'll let the MoveOn organization explain further:
"On June 2, the Federal Communications Commission is planning on authorizing sweeping changes to the American news media. The rule changes could allow your local TV stations, newspaper, radio stations, and cable provider to all be owned by one company. NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox could have the same corporate parent. The resulting concentration of ownership could be deeply destructive to our democracy.
"After the FCC and Congress relaxed radio ownership rules, corporate giant Clear Channel Communications swept in and bought hundreds of stations. Clear Channel has used its might to support pro-war political rallies and conservative talk shows, keep anti-war songs off its stations, coerce musicians into playing free promotional concerts, and bully them into performing at its music venues. In many towns that used to have a diverse array of radio options, Clear Channel is now the only thing on the dial.
"When we talk to Congresspeople about this issue, their response is usually the same: "We only hear from media lobbyists on this. It seems like my constituents aren't very concerned with this issue." A few thousand emails could permanently change that perception. Please join us in asking Congress and the FCC to fight media deregulation at:
"www.moveon.org/stopthefcc...lrrKCActw"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Have a ball and a biscuit -F
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
FREDLINE NEWS for Wednesday, 6 May 2003
FREDLINE NEWS UPDATE: FIRST EVER FREDLINE NEWS
And possibly the last, but let's see how it works out. I might do this once a week or so. If you don't want these E-mails, just Reply and say "Unsubscribe" or "You're A Horrible Person" or something similar. I used to make a weblog, so I'll just post this there instead. It's at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius in case you're interested. Hey, if this is the first issue, it's not an update it's not an update, is it? Huh.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR PENS BY 2-3 INCHES!
Patented technology stretches your pens up to 30%! Thousands of our customers enjoy their new, longer-lasting pens! Why hurt your performance time having to reload your old, short pens? Impress your spouse, friends, and family today!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: MY CAT IS DISGUSTING
One night I came home and like usual, my cat followed me in. We have two cats, actually. One is black and white, and stupid. His name is Billy but we usually just call him Stupid. The one I let in is named Kramer, and he's pretty cool. But he's gross. So I started walking to the living room when I almost trip over Kramer, who's hunched down on the ground, refusing to move. It looked like he was trying to trap something. I stood back to get a good view and found the cat with half a mouse in his mouth, and the other half (the part with the tail) hanging out. The first thing I thought was "Why did he bring that inside?" Then the cat, with the mouse still in its mouth, whipped his head up real fast so the mouse flew like 10 feet in the air before landing on a chair in the dining room. The cat ran to pounce on it, and with the body between its teeth did one of those things that dogs do where they eat meat by shaking their head and growling. But the cat didn't eat it yet, it still wanted to play. (To which my second thought was, "Why doesn't he just eat it?") Then he body-slammed the mouse back on the floor again. I went outside to find a shovel to get rid of the mouse, not to bury it, but to find something to pick it up that had a long pole attached to it. When I came back to the house the cat was still going ape wild over this mouse, which upon further inspection was still alive, heart beating a mile a minute, with three giant holes in its underside and too scared to move. I got it on the shovel, walked outside, and catapulted it away.
For the rest of the night Kramer stood on his hind legs against the screen door, meowing to go outside. I knew what he was up to. And he kept looking back at me like "I have to go outside, and uh, do some stuff. I mean really, REALLY have to go outside now. It's important Cat Stuff, you wouldn't understand." Yeah right, Kramer. Now be a good cat and lick my dinner plate clean....On second thought, don't this time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS: FRED GETS FREE QUR'AN, NO SERIOUS INJURIES
Today at 4:30 PM EST the FREDLINE NEWS offices received a package from the Royal Embassy of Saudi Arabia's Islamic Affairs. It had Arab writing on the box and everything. Knowing exactly what it was, our Senior Editor opened it, much to the dismay of Jerry, one of our Copy Editors. Questions raised ranged from "What's that?" to "Are you sure it's not a bomb?" FREDLINE NEWS would also like to report that they expected some cheap paperback copy of the Qur'an but this is a really nice hardcover, and that you can request free copies from www.iad.org. When asked about the book, our Senior Editor replied that "free stuff" is always good and reminisced about the Good Ol' Days when you spelled Qur'an with a K.
FREDLINE LIFESTYLES
The following is a true story by a "Jamie K." who submitted this story to the "UB Embarrassed" contest for the University at Buffalo's "Visions" newsletter:
"I have a serious gastric problem, so whenever I can't hold it back I try to make a joke like "pull my finger" or something. One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went in to my room to get dressed. My girlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to fart I said, "this is how much I love you" and at the same time I dropped a BIG surprise on the floor. It surprised me as much as her. I looked at my girl who had a look of horror on her face and my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe I had just took a dump on the floor in front of my girlfriend. I screamed to her "don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers. We broke up later that day and I haven't heard from her since."
FREDLINE WORD OF THE DAY: "FERGUSONIAN"
fur*GOO*so*Nee*enne
The act of offering advice without adequate life experience to back it up. Example:
"Joe": Fred. Listen. Listen to me for a second. This is what women want:
"Fred": How do you know what women want?
"Joe": I don't. But hear me out here...
"Fred": Why, are you a woman?
"Joe": Shut up.
"Fred": "Joe," sometimes you're so...Fergusonian...
EDITOR'S NOTES
Go ahead and forward this if you're bored. If anyone else wants this they can also E-mail me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDLINE NEWS EXTRA: WORLD CELEBRATES FRED'S BIRTHDAY
Fred's Birthday's Highlights in History
On April 25, 1792, highwayman Nicolas Jacques Pelletier became the first person under French law to be executed by the guillotine.
In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.
In 1898, the United States formally declared war on Spain.
In 1901, New York became the first state to require automobile license plates; the fee was $1.
In 1945, during World War II, U.S. and Soviet forces linked up on the Elbe River, a meeting that dramatized the collapse of Nazi Germany's defenses.
In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
In 1959, the St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping.
In 1983, Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith to visit his country after receiving a letter in which the Manchester, Maine, schoolgirl expressed fears about nuclear war.
In 1983, the ``Pioneer Ten'' spacecraft crossed Pluto's orbit, speeding on its endless voyage through the Milky Way.
In 1990, Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua, ending eleven years of leftist Sandinista rule.
In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope was deployed from the space shuttle Discovery.
Ten years ago: Hundreds of thousands of gay rights activists and their supporters marched in Washington D.C., demanding equal rights and freedom from discrimination. Voters in Russia participated in a referendum, giving President Boris N. Yeltsin a sturdy vote of confidence.
Five years ago: Whitewater prosecutors questioned first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on videotape about her work as a private lawyer for the failed savings and loan at the center of the investigation.
One year ago: President Bush hosted Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at his Texas ranch for a day of talks. The House voted 405-9 to abolish the embattled Immigration and Naturalization Service. Lisa ``Left Eye'' Lopes, the effervescent, sometimes volatile member of the Grammy-winning trio TLC, died in a car crash in Honduras; she was 30.
Today's Birthdays
Basketball Hall of Fame electee George ``Meadowlark'' Lemon is 71. Songwriter Jerry Leiber is 70. Actor Al Pacino is 63. Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 58. Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 58. Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers) is 53. Actor Hank Azaria ("Moe" from "The Simpsons") is 39. Rock singer Andy Bell (Erasure) is 39. Rock musician Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) is 38. Actress Renee Zellweger is 34.
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And possibly the last, but let's see how it works out. I might do this once a week or so. If you don't want these E-mails, just Reply and say "Unsubscribe" or "You're A Horrible Person" or something similar. I used to make a weblog, so I'll just post this there instead. It's at pub72.ezboard.com/bpublius in case you're interested. Hey, if this is the first issue, it's not an update it's not an update, is it? Huh.
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FREDLINE NEWS: MY CAT IS DISGUSTING
One night I came home and like usual, my cat followed me in. We have two cats, actually. One is black and white, and stupid. His name is Billy but we usually just call him Stupid. The one I let in is named Kramer, and he's pretty cool. But he's gross. So I started walking to the living room when I almost trip over Kramer, who's hunched down on the ground, refusing to move. It looked like he was trying to trap something. I stood back to get a good view and found the cat with half a mouse in his mouth, and the other half (the part with the tail) hanging out. The first thing I thought was "Why did he bring that inside?" Then the cat, with the mouse still in its mouth, whipped his head up real fast so the mouse flew like 10 feet in the air before landing on a chair in the dining room. The cat ran to pounce on it, and with the body between its teeth did one of those things that dogs do where they eat meat by shaking their head and growling. But the cat didn't eat it yet, it still wanted to play. (To which my second thought was, "Why doesn't he just eat it?") Then he body-slammed the mouse back on the floor again. I went outside to find a shovel to get rid of the mouse, not to bury it, but to find something to pick it up that had a long pole attached to it. When I came back to the house the cat was still going ape wild over this mouse, which upon further inspection was still alive, heart beating a mile a minute, with three giant holes in its underside and too scared to move. I got it on the shovel, walked outside, and catapulted it away.
For the rest of the night Kramer stood on his hind legs against the screen door, meowing to go outside. I knew what he was up to. And he kept looking back at me like "I have to go outside, and uh, do some stuff. I mean really, REALLY have to go outside now. It's important Cat Stuff, you wouldn't understand." Yeah right, Kramer. Now be a good cat and lick my dinner plate clean....On second thought, don't this time.
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Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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FREDLINE NEWS: FRED GETS FREE QUR'AN, NO SERIOUS INJURIES
Today at 4:30 PM EST the FREDLINE NEWS offices received a package from the Royal Embassy of Saudi Arabia's Islamic Affairs. It had Arab writing on the box and everything. Knowing exactly what it was, our Senior Editor opened it, much to the dismay of Jerry, one of our Copy Editors. Questions raised ranged from "What's that?" to "Are you sure it's not a bomb?" FREDLINE NEWS would also like to report that they expected some cheap paperback copy of the Qur'an but this is a really nice hardcover, and that you can request free copies from www.iad.org. When asked about the book, our Senior Editor replied that "free stuff" is always good and reminisced about the Good Ol' Days when you spelled Qur'an with a K.
FREDLINE LIFESTYLES
The following is a true story by a "Jamie K." who submitted this story to the "UB Embarrassed" contest for the University at Buffalo's "Visions" newsletter:
"I have a serious gastric problem, so whenever I can't hold it back I try to make a joke like "pull my finger" or something. One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went in to my room to get dressed. My girlfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to fart I said, "this is how much I love you" and at the same time I dropped a BIG surprise on the floor. It surprised me as much as her. I looked at my girl who had a look of horror on her face and my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe I had just took a dump on the floor in front of my girlfriend. I screamed to her "don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers. We broke up later that day and I haven't heard from her since."
FREDLINE WORD OF THE DAY: "FERGUSONIAN"
fur*GOO*so*Nee*enne
The act of offering advice without adequate life experience to back it up. Example:
"Joe": Fred. Listen. Listen to me for a second. This is what women want:
"Fred": How do you know what women want?
"Joe": I don't. But hear me out here...
"Fred": Why, are you a woman?
"Joe": Shut up.
"Fred": "Joe," sometimes you're so...Fergusonian...
EDITOR'S NOTES
Go ahead and forward this if you're bored. If anyone else wants this they can also E-mail me.
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FREDLINE NEWS EXTRA: WORLD CELEBRATES FRED'S BIRTHDAY
Fred's Birthday's Highlights in History
On April 25, 1792, highwayman Nicolas Jacques Pelletier became the first person under French law to be executed by the guillotine.
In 1859, ground was broken for the Suez Canal.
In 1898, the United States formally declared war on Spain.
In 1901, New York became the first state to require automobile license plates; the fee was $1.
In 1945, during World War II, U.S. and Soviet forces linked up on the Elbe River, a meeting that dramatized the collapse of Nazi Germany's defenses.
In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
In 1959, the St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping.
In 1983, Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith to visit his country after receiving a letter in which the Manchester, Maine, schoolgirl expressed fears about nuclear war.
In 1983, the ``Pioneer Ten'' spacecraft crossed Pluto's orbit, speeding on its endless voyage through the Milky Way.
In 1990, Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua, ending eleven years of leftist Sandinista rule.
In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope was deployed from the space shuttle Discovery.
Ten years ago: Hundreds of thousands of gay rights activists and their supporters marched in Washington D.C., demanding equal rights and freedom from discrimination. Voters in Russia participated in a referendum, giving President Boris N. Yeltsin a sturdy vote of confidence.
Five years ago: Whitewater prosecutors questioned first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on videotape about her work as a private lawyer for the failed savings and loan at the center of the investigation.
One year ago: President Bush hosted Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at his Texas ranch for a day of talks. The House voted 405-9 to abolish the embattled Immigration and Naturalization Service. Lisa ``Left Eye'' Lopes, the effervescent, sometimes volatile member of the Grammy-winning trio TLC, died in a car crash in Honduras; she was 30.
Today's Birthdays
Basketball Hall of Fame electee George ``Meadowlark'' Lemon is 71. Songwriter Jerry Leiber is 70. Actor Al Pacino is 63. Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 58. Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 58. Rock musician Steve Ferrone (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers) is 53. Actor Hank Azaria ("Moe" from "The Simpsons") is 39. Rock singer Andy Bell (Erasure) is 39. Rock musician Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) is 38. Actress Renee Zellweger is 34.
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