So I was teaching 7th grade the other day and the smallest kid in the class comes up to me. The kid walked with a limp and was sitting at the other end of the room. (This was during the middle of a lesson.)

Kid: "Hey, Mr. S."

Me: "Hey."

Kid: "Do you know who I am?"

Me: " . . . "

Kid: "I'M RICK JAMES!"

And he limped back to his seat.

Today I spent three hours cleaning the fridge. The fridge is older than me and probably hasn't been cleaned yet. I found materials that used to be organic. Then they weren't. Then they became organic again. What remains is half a jar of mustard, half a dozen eggs and some sticks of mustard. I learned a lot, mostly that there are plenty of colors not in the rainbow that still occur in nature.

pop-ups blocked by my google toolbar (downloaded in January): 998

Edited by: TomServo0 at: 3/30/04 1:55 am

For the first time in months it's nice out and we can open the windows. Jerry came in my room this morning and said it smelled like bad breath. So I opened the windows and went to brush my teeth. I can't speak for the room, but my morning breath was horrible. Maybe he was right. Someone next door is cooking bacon. Seriously, I can really smell pork for some reason.

Flying Crocodile wins!

FREDLINE NEWS was written a few days ago. It was sent to the "printers" and should be ready one of these days. In the meantime I might just start writing ahead. so for all of you FREDLINE NEWS fans--thanks, mom!--there's more on the way. The other day I went to the University of Buffalo for some research, and found a crappy newsletter called The Journal of Truth, or some crap like that. It was crap. I could make better crap than that, and in fact, I already do. Maybe I should print out FREDLINE NEWS and enlighten the inferior competition. We've already defeated Edline News, in what will prove to be our Poland. The Journal of Truth already looks like France. AHH Ha Ha Ha hA!

My apartment is full of furniture, none of it bought. The couch came from a family who donated it to our church, but the church had no room for it. Same with the easy chair. Maybe we bought the folding table and the plastic porch chairs, but that's, what, twenty dollars? I have two lamps from who-knows-where. My filing cabinet was thrown away by someone in the Science Department. I use a nightstand that I built in a summer camp woodworking course. I stole a second filing cabinet from my parents. A small cabinet was found in a little-used closet. My father helped me grab a bookshelf/entertainment center from a neighbor's garbage one Christmas; it covers one full wall of my bedroom. In turn, I helped him rescue a large, metal teacher's desk from the scrap heap. Until recently I had a set of video shelves thrown together with some old wooden boards and empty shoe boxes. And how could I forget the green table besides me, a twenty-five-year-old reject from an ill-fated shop class? (I made the trim out of a roll of packaging tape. Someone threw away the tape as well.)

One of the last great vestages of my undergraduate life, the non-perishable leftovers, passed away today. One of Jeff's containers of Pillsbury bread dough was ceremoniously dumped into the trash. Though still in good health, we realized that it had been stuck fast to the bottom of the fridge by an unknown organic substance. Rather than try to salvage the can and risk irreparable damage we let nature take its course. The dough is survived by several pots, and assortment of blue and yellow plastic plates, and a lone jar of Country Time Lemonade Mix (TM) ("Mix w/vodka and enjoy!").

Ed and I are fighting, I think. It's over what to watch on television. This would almost seem normal if A) we were a couple, B) we were of opposite genders, and C) we lived in the same household. Instead, we live 1000 miles away. So here we sit typing away on Instant Messenger about what we're going to watch next so we can discuss it, and then we get into an argument about whether a certain show is funny or how we forced the other person to watch OUR show last week and should return the favor. We might need counseling. In other news, today I visited downtown Lancaster, New York for the first time today. In the words of Dr. Robert Butler, I had a firsthand experience of the quintessential articulation of mid-20th century Americana. Fascinating.

For the past three months or so I've procrastinated over my master's thesis. Last night I spent a full two hours on it, which is probably the longest uninterrupted time period yet for me. This is sad. What's more sad than that? The guy who's supposed to read it hasn't written back about my proposal yet. That's pretty darn sad. Sadder still? How about writing paying $50 application fees to colleges that don't tell you if you're accepted? Handsome people like me can't get a break nowadays.

New CDs: Foo Fighters, Live In Chicago 2003 (2 discs). Find it at musicbug.com

After some consideration I've decided to change my computer's user name from "Ashley" to my own. It was funny at first, then quaint, then simply sad. At least I didn't name it something pretentious, like Porcshe, but I digress. Now, instead of a headshot of actress Ashley Judd, I get to start my computing day looking at the pic of an old, black Frederick Douglass and his big, white Fluffy 'Fro.

Tonight is Ed's first experience with Adult Swim. Congrats Ed! Flying Shark vs. Flying Crocodile: a fight for the ages!

New CD: Upton Sinclair, "WBNY Upton Sinclair ID." I'm ashamed to have ended up with it, but I can't give it back.

Why I'm up at 5 AM is beyond me. Especially when I spent a good part of it on Google Image Search looking up "civil unions." You'll see why eventually.


New CD: The Eagles Of Death Metal, "Live At Slims"

Listening to: The Shins, "Chutes Too Narrow" [finally getting into it]

Ed owes me a chicken burrito. Ed, send it in an attachment.

I've come to the conclusion that rabid dogs have more common sense than teenage girls. From the perspective of a teacher, that is. Stop thinking dirty.

World War III, if you don't count the Cold War as World War III, will be fought over American and Chinese economic interests. Taiwan, perhaps?

My college loans were sold to another bank yesterday. They must think they're going to get the money back.

New CD: Smash TV, "Demo+ 2003-2004"

New CDs:

--Some Kool Cigarettes Mix Promo. Hip-hop beats with smoking ads for at least 2 tracks.

--"Civil War Songs." Haven't heard it yet. Wonder what it's like?

--"Civil War Music." Haven't heard it yet. Wonder what it's like? Also with "World War I Songs." Haven't heard that yet either. Wonder what THAT's like?

--"Road Trip." A road trip mix! Of songs!

New Album Buying Bonanza!

CDs:

Drain S.T.H., "Freaks of Nature"

--Some Swedish women play heavy metal. Very crunchy. Crunchy like crash test footage.

Ozomatli, "Coming Up"

--Newer EP of the band. Rap with a horn section. Tribal dance music with scratching. Blacks, whites and Latinos! Wheeeee!

Vinyl:

Various, "Saturday Night Fever"

--How often do you go to the Salvation Army and find a winner like this for only 99 cents? Four sides of disco is all I'll ever need. The packaging is in just as good condition as when the original owner picked it up in 1977.

Brad Swanson, "Party Time: The Whispering Organ Sound of Brad Swanson"

--My father has one of Brad Swanson's other records so I had to pick it up. Another 99 cent masterpiece. Organ renditions of "Deep In The Heart of Texas," "Mairzy Doats," Beer Barrel Polka," Hava Nagila..." and that's just PART of side A. BFLO made!

Ed is NOT a Stephen Colbert fan. NOT! He is a casual viewer of Stephen Colbert that occasionally laughs at Colbert's jokes. I'm writing this down for all posterity, Ed! You see, anyone could watch Colbert's appearances on The Daily Show. Even the weakest of comedy afficionados could stay tuned for the occasional guest spot on Tough Crowd. But did Ed see Colbert on the American version of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Of course not! How many episodes of Strangers With Candy, Exit 57, or The Drew Carey Show did Ed ever tune in for? NOT A ONE. Did he buy Wigfield in hardcover--let alone at all--and read it cover-to-cover in the course of a weekend? BAH! And yet I have partaken in all these hilarious things. Ed would never remember Colbert's first Daily Show piece, where "The New Guy" gayly sashayed in front of the camera awkwardly, yet with enough of an idiot savant flair to immediately turn the most jaded comedy fan over to his creative grip. But I do. And as I sat watching another amazing episode of Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law tonight, with another amazing performance by one Stephen Colbert I tried counting the countless times I have pleaded with my friend Ed to watch the Adult Swim block in my little head. Redundantly speaking, it was impossible. Ed, you can keep your Patrice O'Neal. Stephen Colbert is with Me.

The other day I went to Toronto with some friends but for what may be the first time ever, I did not drive. I wanted to sleep but couldn't. I was too worried about how the driving was going: navigating, not falling asleep, whether or not Joe used his signals when changing lanes. I was really anal retentive about everything. I also had a giant mound of my family's Canadian change that I was charged to get rid of. That challenge was also met head-on, turning about $30 of nickels and dimes into, well, it's all gone now. The reason I'm writing this is to acknowledge that I am too bloody uptight and need to relax a little. If you're reading this, you already know. Maybe I should smoke weed. Some guy came into work today and his eyes were comepletely bloodshot from weed; you could smell him from yards away. He was relaxed for sure...in fact, he just stood staring at the floor for several minutes at a time. He paid with exact change.

Last night I went to a wake. One guy came in with a tattered shirt with a picture of a BEAR with DEER antlers growing from his head. The shirt simply asked:

"BEER?"

Today we snuck across the border for an errand. Also accomplished the inevitable Canadian must-dos of eating poutine and spending about a litre of Canadian change that somehow smuggles its way south. You hear me, Canucks? We don't want your looney money! I'm half-Canadian, but based on the exchange rate I'm now half-American and 40% Canadian. I think the other 10% got moved to Mexico. Muy problemo!

CD purchases $5 Canadian each!

Handsome Boy Modeling School, "So...How' Your Girl?"
John Coltrane, "The Gentle Side of John Coltrane"
Sonic Youth, "Goo"
Primus, "Pork Soda"

Great albums all!

Last night's dinner:

2 Twinkies
3 Ho-Hos
2 Slim Jims
1 Polly-O String Cheese
1 Hostess Apple Pie
2 of those fluffy chocolate sandwich things with the icing filling
1 Vanilla Coke

CD: Liam Lynch, "Fake Songs"

Today at work I had to replace the Ketchup Dispenser. The ketchup (or catsup) comes in plastic bags that hold about three gallons apiece. Well, one of the bags ripped. Ketchup started flowing like a newly discovered oil well. The K.D. wouldn't take the bag, and I couldn't just throw away three gallons of ketchup, so I found a large bucket and drained it all into that. Now the big problem: how to put all this ketchup from a bucket into small ketchup bottles. A funnel? The bucket was too big to pour into a small funnel, so I got a second, smaller bucket to dip into the first, then dumped that into the funnel. That's when I realized that ketchup doesn't pour, it plops. Stuff that plops can't go through a funnel, it only clogs the funnel. That's when I grabbed a spoon to put pressure on the top of the clog to get it to go down into the bottle. It took forever. Then someone suggested finding a plastic bag, putting a whole lot of ketchup into it, then cutting a small hole in the bottom corner of the bag to let a high pressure stream of ketchup fall out of the hole. A good idea indeed. The high pressure stream, however, is difficult to control. By the end of the debacle, I had a broken Ketchup Dispenser, two ketchup-drenched kitchen tables, a cowpie of ketchup on the floor, giant ketchup stains on my shirt, pants and shoes, ten bottles of ketchup overflowing on all sides, a large stirring spoon covered in ketchup all up the handle, a small pitcher coated in ketchup on the inside and out, a second giant, practically useless Bucket O'Ketchup, and a garbage can filled with ketchup-catching napkins that made it look like the World's Most Destructive Period. Thus endeth The Ketchup Story.

Today someone at the store demanded to know whether a certain baseball cap was for men or for women. I never knew they made different caps for men or women. That's because they don't. The guy wasn't convinced with my answer, and demanded a guarantee that he could return it if it ended up being for the wrong sex. A possible scenario:

Guy 1: I hope you like it.
Guy 2: A baseball cap! Thanks!

Guy 2: It doesn't fit! This must be a WOMAN'S baseball cap!
Guy 1: I'm sooooo embarrassed!

Also at the store, we sell unisex cigarettes, gum, newspapers, and 20 oz. bottles of Coke.

I went to Perkins with The Folks. I bought them dinner. Then I went to Joe's and wrote a song about people with three names. If you know anyone with three names that's famous, please tell us what they are. We're brainstorming and need a good list. Some examples:

James Earl Jones
Mary Kate Olsen
Billy Ray Cyrus

Like all our other songs, they will Rock. Trust me.

Tonight I became a perfectionist in the studio. Joe can't keep time and it's hurting the band. He's got to tighten up his solos or he's out on his @$$.

Tonight I went to my court-ordered driving class. There was a real old lady in the front named Delores who wouldn't stop making innocent comments, stupid or otherwise. I counted 21 dumb comments to 5 useful ones. Two of the useful ones pointed out grammar errors in the book.

Teacher: "Delores, what answer did you get for number 4?"

Delores: "False?"

Teacher: "That's correct."

Delores: "Oh. So it's true?"

Teacher: "No, you're right."

Delores: "Why isn't it False? I put down False."

Teacher: "The answer IS False. Maybe I misspoke. I'm sorry."

Delores: "Alrighty. So it's False then?"

Teacher: "YES."

Delores [talking to herself too loudly]: "So that's number . . . 4."

[class rolls eyes]

Vinyl: David Broza, "Away From Home"

I just destroyed Ed in a game of online Reversi. DESTROYED. He told me I sucked and refused to finish the game! AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Loooooserrrrr...

CD: The Shins, "Chutes Too Narrow"

While spring cleaning--okay, leap year cleaning--I found a crate of long-lost stuff underneath some stairs. This included my copy of "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing", my report cart from fifth grade, the school yearbook from first grade, two copies of the official Map of Newstead (not much to see), the entire Bible on cassette, several sets of school photos from my "It's picture day again? I forgot to dress up" era, and soon to be the most disturbing of all, some mix tapes my parents made for each other when they were dating.

From now on I will also use my weblog to document the new CDs/DVDs I either buy or magically acquire. Tonight Dave forcefully dragged me to Best Buy and DEMANDED that I buy:
The Shins, "Chutes Too Narrow" CD
Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD Volume 1
D. W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation" DVD

"I don't need no instructions to know how to ROCK!" -Carl